The Harsh Light of Day

Blue is the new Black which is still Red at the Brownlow

2009-09-22T00:52:00.025+10:00

Alex Davis

Let’s not deny Alex is a pretty attractive girl. She’s hot, she’s got a pretty smokin body and that’s no lie but Alex honey, Megan Fox wore the crap out of the dress on the Transformers press tour. And really, it’s nice that you back yourself, good on your with the self confidence but maybe let’s leave Megan to do her thing.

Alex Fevola

Barbie and her pregnant rockers hit the blue carpet. The caftan thing isn’t actually that bad for knocked up author Alex (yes, you read that correctly, author – the world is now on official apocalypse watch) but the braided my hair before bed and then slept in the curls look isn’t so glam Alex.

Brynne Gorden

She’s a shy lass this one isn’t she? Okay here’s the problem with this outfit – it’s completely attention stunt whoring dressing. She knows it’s whore-rrific, we know, everyone is fully up to speed on the utter trashiness of this fat stripper outfit, so it only serves to draw attention to herself and get some good old Herald Sun column inches. Well, she’s achieved her goal by having me talk about her so well done Brynne, the steps you’re taking to Anna Nicole Smith territory are getting closer by the day.

Catherine Chappell

Some designer somehow convinced Catherine that a sequined one shoulder picnic rug was the epitome of high fashion. Whoever this person is should be recruited for international spy missions, because that’s some pretty good bullshitting if I’ve ever seen.

Chantelle Raleigh

You have to wonder, when you need to expose your slit to a media pack, how far have you pushed the boundaries. And no, this wasn’t the only shot of this action! Which is sad, because the colour isn’t actually too bad and the silvery braces criss-crossing the dress aside, it could have been passable.

Deanne Woewodin

Deanne will persist in driving me bananas crazy. The girl does not possess the ability to actually judge her size and buy a dress accordingly. Really Deanne, your breasts are spilling out the top – like Exxon Valdez spilling – honestly would it kill you to cover those puppies up just a fraction.

Donna Johnson

Donna’s single and queen size sheets really came in handy this year. If only she’d made the appropriate hospital corners, her leg wouldn’t have been so exposed.

Felicity Percival

Okay, I’ll admit a soft spot for the Perc. She’s always classy, always elegant and she has job that makes her really impressive and cool. So I don’t mind that Flick looks like a fairy princess bride on the blue carpet – I kinda like it and I’m kinda thinking is she wearing the runner up wedding dress and if so, excellent work!

Justine Viney

Part 2 of the patch work picnic rug conspiracy that swept the field this Brownlow. While being horribly ugly, my other thought is that it looks really damn heavy, and also probably really itchy and now I feel like I’m describing symptoms for a disease. If your dress description is interchangeable with a possible disease diagnosis, things aren’t looking good for you.

Kaitlyn (who received no last name)

While not the sequin shame of the two ladies above, the horrendous pattern of this number puts her into a solid third place in the one shoulder, one sleeve stupidity.

Kendall Nunn

I don’t know when girls thought black tie for a media attending event meant cocktail dress and hybrid boot heels (beels? Hoots?)

Kerry Lavell

Kerry’s boyfriend is the vice-captain my house’s self decided inappropriate name team: Dean Cox. Harry Sidebottom is Captain, Dick of course features and for pure giggles Peaches is in there.

Onto Kerry and her beautifully elegant with a surprise ending dress. I’m not normally a ruffle kinda girl but because Kerry’s pencil figure lends itself to some more detailing, this time I actually quite it enjoy it. The colour is subtle and she presented well on the TV and stood up straight – something many other girls failed.

Lauren Phillips

Sure it was nice, it was pretty, Lauren was pretty and while my house felt her teary-ness was a little thunder stealing (you didn’t play Lauren!), all in all it was pretty okay. But I’m a little underwhelmed – it’s just a little oh, okay, instead of WOW, shazaam - my boyfriend is gonna smoke your asses in the vote!

Lauren Thompson

No one ever, ever put the words tie-dye and formal wear together and came up with a good result. This edgy graphic designer project for Year 12 isn’t blue carpet material.

Olivia Anderson

YOU ARE KILLING ME! Would it kill you to dress nicely once? Maybe not wide and detailed? Maybe book an appointment with the hairdresser instead of the old home remedy, and I’m sure MAC or Napoleon would take a stab at some makeup but Olivia, would you please TRY something different!

Rebecca Twigley

The more I looked at Twiggers, the more I didn’t like it. The bodice especially doesn’t sit with me – the tatas out there for all to see – including a horribly drunk Brendan Fevola at your table. Also, I’ve decided you are make-up pretty – I’d be pretty keen to see you at five in the morning and see what’s going on there.

Sarah Williamson

Sarah, you’re either wearing a weird almost Olympic rings pattern dress, or a blue subdued bridesmaid dress and of course, from those two choices it would be hard. But pick one and stick to committing one fashion crime instead of double dipping.

Tania Buckley

On one hand Tania, you’ve got killer legs and for having two babies look pretty fierce. But disco theme night at Crown is next week and I’m afraid you might need to return the hair extensions before then.

Tania Hird

As reliable as James was as a player, Tania can always be counted on for her long pastel, ice princess with detailing dresses. She’s found her thing and it seems nothing, nothing at all will stop her from that theme.

Emmy’s

Top 5 – Best

Toni Collette

Perfect! Colour, spray tan, hair, jewels – everything. It proves the theory, build it and the awards will come.

Alyson Hannigan

Cute, and the layering really works on the red carpet.

Anna Torv

Different, and the colour is cool and 100 plus extra bonus points for being brave with the cleavage – hope there was some sticky tape going on.

Drew Barrymore

Old school glam done to perfection and the hair tucked is hiding that horrendous, paint bucket dipped hair she’s pretending to think is cool at the moment.

Chloe Sevigny

Cool, hip and marching to sound of her own drum without being the spaced out stoner drummer completely out of tune to the rest of the band (dragged that metaphor all the way!)

Top 5 – Worst

Christina Applegate

The weird mesh pattern sparkle panel makes Christina look bizarrely large and the girl is otherwise stunning.

Hayden Panetteire

How someone young, youthful and for about 20 mins was the IT girl, can dress like a 40 year old mum at the yearly dinner dance is beyond me? I hate to say call Rachel Zoe but she could give you a few style pointers – just ignore the diet stuff.

Kate Walsh

I’m so confused by the side airbags? Is she keeping change in there? Her lipstick, iPhone? If nothing then why have for layers of drapery?

Olivia Wilde

Last year she was stunning, this year she’s a lock for the gold in the individual freestyle ice-skating.

Anna Lynne McCord

People wonder why girls have inappropriate over-sexed ideas about fashion? Well, when some so called idols dress like lap dancers something’s going to give.

The Logies Coverage Part 2 - Gretel not so popular now

2009-05-04T22:47:00.018+10:00

The Logies fashion best and worst continues and apparently Australia doesn’t love Gretel so much anymore. And while, sure, we are the toughest of critics on our stage, I feel people who are defending Gretel with the statement of it’s a really tough job, maybe need a reality check. Doctors, Police Officers, Ambulance Offices – those jobs aren’t a walk on red carpet, comedy writer supported park. Just saying, while the bar is high – let’s not lower it to floor to be kind.

Back to the fashion then:

Fifi Box

Who remembers the year Fifi Box was the it girl? Seven and Nine were pitching for her ‘talents’, she fell down some stairs on Dancing with the Stars and flirted with Michael Weatherly at the Logies? (hang on, let’s all take a moment to think of Michael...delicious!). Well, it seems the moment passed Fifi by, and now as the simple weather girl in the midst of breakfast battle, she’s resorted to wearing an almost identical dress to her Logies heyday. Fifs love, find a look that works for you, but don’t live in that look forever!

Jessica Marais

This was a contender for one of my favourite dresses. It was red carpet, event dressing with elegance, and a touch of unique sexiness. Jessica when receiving her awards seemed appropriately humbled and thankful and she always added a hint of danger with the very real chance she’d trip up the stairs. Not that I’d wish that on anyone, at all ... well not completely.

Jodi Gordon

Good Lord, I love Jodi Gordon. She gets it - she understands how to smoke a red carpet. She’ll attempt a few brave choices but then other times, classic old school glamour. The dress is beautiful, and the cut is SO flattering. The hair, spray tan and cute purple clutch are just delightful additions.

Josh Quong Tart

Josh, the prankster that he is, thought what hilarious, foot stomping riot it would be to joke about a public health crisis that’s killed quite a few people including kiddies by wearing sequined a face mask. Are you just rolling in the aisles? No, me either. Tell you what Josh, next Logies why not dress up and singe your suit with ashes to represent how funny the Black Saturday fires were! That would just kill as a joke. Idiot!

Kristy Hinze

Kristy officially doesn’t care what you think, as she now owns everything, including your thoughts thanks to her wealthy marriage. And sure, it may actually be love, but either way, with all that cash, couldn’t Kristy splash out a little and go for a bit more glamour, a bit more zing.

Lisa Wilkinson

Firstly, I love that Lisa’s bringing the ratings battle to breakfast. I am so glad people are starting to realise how moronic Kochie and Mel’s dribble actually is! Maybe all the battling has caused some bruises, as poor little Lisa’s wrapped up like a Mummy in this dress ensemble. And I know the Chanel bag was about attracting attention to an upcoming announcement but did it really costs $11 grand? Because wow, I understand the economic crisis now.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Okay, Nat and I have spotty history. I haven’t always been there for her drunk face Dance hosting abilities, and her fashion choices often leave me chilly. I say this as pre-cursor because people I know loved this outfit, loved the look and basically love Nat. Well, sorry kids, but mama’s not feeling it. It’s just a little too drapery, a little too hot beach dress for cocktail evening and not super event dressing. I do Nat, like the hair with its soft curls and warm brown winter tones.

Peter Reckell & Kristian Alfonso

Um, was I the only one at the end of the Logies telecast, thinking ‘hang they forgot Bo and Hope!’? I thought they were presenting and that at least softened the blow of sitting through an evening of awards to people you don’t have any knowledge of. Nine Network though, come on, Bo and Hope – Bo, whose real name is Beauregard Aurelius Brady (awesome) and Hope Williams. They’ve been married twice, had three kiddies – one named by viewer votes, been kidnapped, presumed dead, and had questionable surgery receiving organs from their offspring, faced off the possessed Marlena, believed themselves to be other people, almost were buried in avalanche – they deserved to present.

Ruby Rose

She’s edgy, hip and uber Sydney cool. But since when does that mean, a flock of crows have to be victim on your dress Ruby? Really, I kinda was expecting something more, I don’t know, edgier than feathers, with a glue gun and a plain spotlight black starter pack dress.

Sarah Murdoch

You know people, she snagged a Murdoch for a reason. Sarah shows the carpet, she can bring it like no one’s business, let her stunning-ness do the talking and the simple black dress be her canvas. Lochie for all his once upon a time hotness is now just smiling thinking, take that Papa Bear, Wendi Deng ain’t no Bonds girl.

Sonia Kruger

I know Sonia’s got 10 Years Younger in 10 Days happening, but she’s taken it too far. She’s dressing like a member of the Gossip Girl funky junky cast. Seriously, Sonia, at some point elegance and understatement will work just as well. Instead, you’ve revealed the ballroom dancer within still shines brightly with this ruffle vomit in ice blue.

Tasma Walton & Rove

See I like Tasma, I like Rove, I think they’d be a very normal-ish couple. From the top to silvery spangle belt, she looks great. Dewey make-up and soft curly hair but all of sudden the GFC hits hard. Designer just thought, screw it – I’ve done enough, I’ll convince her with my jazzy designer hands that this was the way it was SUPPOSED to be. Well, Tasma love, you’ve been fooled.

Tony Barber’s Mrs

Tony’s heyday was definitely, definitely the 80’s icon Perfect Match. Clearly Mrs Barber has never moved on from those, clinging desperately to days when hers was the hottest ticket in town. Well Mrs Barber, it’s officially time to let go. The sliding door is gone, the post mortem on the bad dates is gone, so is the hilariously teased hair – let us remember fondly and not by your leggings and white ra-ra skirt.

Tracy Grimshaw

It looks like Tracey’s about to announce a stunning defection to the Anglican church and her new role as female priest. This outfit is a little too Sunday morning rejoicing with the spirit on the red altar instead of Sunday evening slamming spirits on the red carpet. I love the Lord Trace, we all do, but this is a wee tad too far.

Cast Off

Home & Away

Again, the H&A crew, especially the ladies really bring a certain pizzazz factor. The dresses all seem unique and flattering to their individual figures, the colours are work with the skin tones and hair and makeup seems pretty good – no Sharni Vision fake tan addictions to be seen here. A special shout out to Esther Anderson, in the red. I can’t find an individual shot but she’s seems to look lovely. However, the fellas let the girls down a bit, especially though Todd ‘Porn Fuzz Mo’ Lassance, who may have thought he’d just won an Oscar with his most over the top ‘I Love My Craft’ speech. Toddy, you’re on Home and Away, home of Alf ‘Flaming Galas’ Stewart – it’s not Shakespeare at Convent Garden.

Rush Cast

I had no idea Joelene Anderson joined the cast – although this version of Joelene is a little colourful for the cop shop blue the Rush-ers get around in. Still, maybe that’s why Joelene has decided to go with a Pro Hart formal wear colour landslide – raging against the machine. The rest of the Rush-ers all fade into the background a little, except the dude on the right who could play James McAvoy’s older taller brother.

Should We Rename the Logies the Rafters for more viewers?

2009-05-04T01:19:00.017+10:00

The Logies Fashion red carpet spectacle returns to our screens (both computer and TV) and with Carson Kressley was completely wasted by Nine’s red carpet team, there was only pandering and sweetness. Well, we can’t let that go on any longer – let the Harshness begin.

Adam Hills & Myf Warhurst

I think Adam’s face really says it all. But in case your face reading skills have been off lately, I’ll kindly interpret for you: ‘Sweet lord Myf, what the f-bomb happened to your sleeve? Did something attack you? Seriously, you’re missing like the armpit to the wrist bit and it looks crazy ass weird! The other sleeve though is pretty fugly, so maybe you ripped it off in a rage induced attack. Either way, it ain’t working.’ As per Adam’s face.

Carrie Bickmore

Brave is the girl who wears a dress similar to Melissa George’s Oscar dividing efforts. However, Carrie the smart cookie that she is, listened to the reviews on M-George’s dress, axed the over the top corset work and has turned with a very pretty, very on note, red carpet glamour dress. Let’s give her a tick more! (Yep, it’s that hilarious – haven’t you missed it)

Cathy Freeman

Hi Cathy, what’s up? Heard you got hitched, congrats. Must be good lovin’ as you’re glowing, and for once in your red carpet life, you look lovely. Very dignified, very elegant but still your cheery self. Now please make every copy editor at a tabloid newspaper’s dreams come true and get pregnant so they can begin the inevitable ‘patter of little feet’ pun-tastic headlines.

Dannii Minogue

Here’s the problem with this: it’s equally good and equally bad. The dress, the choices and even the hairstyle, have me swing from the demon and angel on my shoulders. I really can’t decide Dannii, I like the bold military slash Katie Holmes in full Tom influence hairstyle, and the dress is interesting and unique but then again it’s you, and maybe the hair is more Cabaret stage show than edgy funky.

Fuzzy and Dude

I always give Fuzzy a pass, she’s good at finding something different, yet perfect for her in both fit and colour. However, Dude (whom Getty seem to think is named Guppy – they could be right but then they did confuse Suzie Wilks and Natalie G so who knows), anyway Dude, not to be all weight issues orientated, but skinny jeans are for people who are skinny. And not just skinny but silly, weedy, emo skinny. You my friend aren’t a skinny jean kinda a guy, just let it go.

Giaan Rooney

From Giaan’s Logie debut of awfulness, this is light years ahead, but it still lacks that certain something for me. The major problem, being the top, it just seems so netballer’s bib. Seriously, wack a big GD on that, and she could be the first formally attired player the Melbourne Vixens have.

Jane Hall

It’s very practical and I’m sure Jane will be the warmest star on the red carpet. But you know what Jane, we the punter of lowly nothingness, don’t pay for warm and toasty. Damn it, we want you to suffer. You need to look hot, and sexy, and cool and freeze your damn behind off. Also, the dress print while pretty is a little nana for Logies red carpet.

Jennifer Hawkins

PHWAOR! Va-va-va-va-va-va-voom. The J-Hawk bough the ladies out to play. Granted, I haven’t been following J-Hawk in the recent months, but this to me represents a triumphant return for her. What with ACA and TT polling her neighbours about her apparent parties – this is J-Hawk, saying ‘check out how hot and fierce I am Australia’ and also a little bit of ‘and hot people should be allowed to party whenever bitches’.

Jessica Mauboy

I think Jessica’s going to be a little bit like a local Beyonce. Very talented, ability to wear lovely red carpet dresses but then graces the stage in some unflattering numbers. Still on the carpet, I particularly enjoyed Jess’s ruffle number. Okay, the green clutch that probably costs $10 at the Dimmey’s closing down sale, is a bit of an error but otherwise, a very respectable, un Idol whoring red carpet moment.

Kate Ritchie

Okay time to roll up the sleeves, coz this one’s going hurt. Firstly, Kate’s hair and accessories are genius and I die. But the dress, it’s so hard because it could have been killer. Could have made me ooh and aah and enjoy the subtleness yet strength of it. However, the white slip underneath RUINS THE WHOLE DAMN THING. What I wouldn’t give to see what the dress looked like with black underneath instead of what looks like Kate is flashing her bra.

Lee Furlong

Alright Lee, you’ve got an extraordinary set of legs and you’re a beautiful young woman, let’s get that out of the way. But this very nice cocktail dress, isn’t really red carpet Logies, it isn’t the amazing dress of dresses you could have chosen. Also, this dress requires a bit of bravery with the cleavage and you hesitated and went the strapless bra, which is fine, but we can all see it.

Lindsey Rodriguez

So, TRL got axed and now Lindsey’s back hoping to funk up Channel Nine. Well, good luck with that suicide mission Lindsey. It’s probably appropriate that your dress has a zip up the front much like a flight jump suit as you’ll need to pull the parachute chord very soon I’m sure. Also, are you insane? Why would you wear a dress with a front zipper when people like Sam Newman are advertising for dates? You’ve doomed yourself to an entire night of stupid footballer panellists from both NRL and AFL, drunkenly making a play for the zip.

Margot Robbie

O. M. G – This is quite possibly in my three years (veteran status people) of Logies commentary, the ugliest dress I have EVER seen. Sure, Stephanie McIntosh had an awful mistimed red number, and yep, there was Indiana Evans Supre fashion inspired choice, but this is another level of tarty, attention grabbing, Kentucky hoe down dressing. It’s whore-riffic. Her dress is basically SPORTING A MULLET. Let me say that again, so if by chance Margot reads this. HER DRESS HAS A MULLET!

Michelle Bridges

We can be honest here, and we can all admit that sure, Michelle sometimes gets it wrong, and then sometimes she gets it really wrong. But you know what, this is quite possibly, the best, most ladylike, most feminine, elegant and refined Michelle I’ve seen yet. She’s sophisticated and the hair is lovely, the dress flatters her and her accessories shine. Like a finale of Loser, the tears of happiness are about to spring forth.

Rebecca Gibney

It’s Golden – see what I did there, see how the pun was because she won the Gold Logie, Christ I’m funny. Anyway, Bec actually looks great and is doing old Hollywood glamour very nicely, so kudos to her and all her Rafters. However, is it wrong that there is some part of me that still enjoys the fact I haven’t watched a full episode of that show?

Ricki-Lee

Another dress that completely divides me. While, it’s a massive, huge step forward for the once Mutton dressing as Lamb Ricki Lee, I don’t think I can award points merely for being better than the most awful you can be. The colour is actually striking and the idea of the dress is good, Bec Gibney will tell you that but the actual execution leaves me feeling that it’s quite unflattering, in fact, it’s fattering.

Lady Harsh Dictionary Definition of Fattering: When an outfit is to be so unflattering that it makes the normal sized, healthy wearer seem large, bumpy, lumpy or wide. Used in a sentence: I couldn’t buy that top, so fattering but I will purchase the shoes.

*** ***

And with that lesson, so endeth Part 1 of the Logies Coverage. Tomorrow night, I will fulfil no contractual obligations by returning with the remaining coverage including delightful Sarah Murdoch, Jodie Gordon and her stunning self and questionable efforts of Jolene Anderson, Ruby Rose, and Tony Barber’s Mrs.

Never Miss the Big Stuff

2009-05-01T10:02:00.002+10:00

Yep, life gets busy. Things get in way. Catching up on episodes of One Tree Hill, watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy (God, Meredith was awesome in Season 2 as opposed to the whinge-fest she is now), and general bits and bobs means that I don't update regularly (understatement of the year).

BUT - let it be said, this blog here started on the back of one very important event in the Australian social calendar. A night for all to enjoy how crap our awards season really is. Yep, The Logies my friends, The Logies. And while, my coverage for Australian Fashion Week has been pretty light on (understatement of the year - Part 2), I will absolutely have Logies coverage. Sunday night is marked in the diary, my Diet Coke's are ready and nothing will hold me back from a close inspection of the Georgie Parker, Rebecca Gibney, Home and Away versus Neighbours starlets fashion scene.

Basically, without all the crap hyperbole - IT's ON FOR LOGIES PEEPS!

I'm famous...sort of

2009-04-08T10:53:00.001+10:00

It's been forever yes, I know.

However, Herald Sun still lists me as important! How very exciting. I was listed in today's Herald Sun as part of 100 most useful websites in the celebrity gossip section. Pretty impressive for a recently dormant site.

This news has propelled me to update a little. I think the MTV Awards last week, needs my attention and what better time to rise from a seeming death, than at Easter, when Jesus also rose from a seeming death. Okay, sure, comparing myself to Jesus is a bit of stretch, but I betcha J-Boy was equally harsh on his disciples and their fashion choices and I mean have you seen what Judas used to get around in.

Stand by for Easter Update!

Cleo Globes

2009-01-13T15:38:00.002+11:00

Sure, sure it's be forever - I know that, you know that, so let's all move on.

Onto Golden Globes! Now, we all know how much I love an award show, and CLEO apparently do it, as they asked me to write some coverage for them.

How exciting - so get over there and check out my work - if the site hits are good, hopefully I'll get asked back for SAG Awards and Oscars. And yes, I know it's begging.

http://www.cleo.com.au/golden_globes_red_carpet.htm

xx
Lady Harsh

Circus Circus comes to Derby Day

2008-11-02T00:14:00.012+11:00

Erica Baxter

While the dress itself doesn’t exactly wow me, and the tights are very Northern hemisphere, Erica slips past with a tick because she hasn’t incorporated a riding crop, over the top hat or just baffling stupidity in her choices. There but for the grace of God, Erica.

Jenna Elfman

There’s so much to like here, and there’s so much to hate. I love the floaty flowery thing. I love her hat. However, I HATE the shoes, like vendetta, hire an assassin hate the shoes, and I hate the length and shape. Someone with Jenna Elfman’s body should be rocking it, not competing with Johanna Griggs for the dowdy stakes.

Jennifer Hawkins

Welcome back J-Hawk! I’ve been very critical of the Hawk in the last little while, and well, she’s risen to the criticism like only a local Australian based celebrity can. She looks sexy, classy, fresh, rested and hot WITHOUT over showing her lady friends or with a skirt full of a hoochie mama.

Jodi Gordon

A little Madonna with her gloves and her diamond ring, and little free boob exercising with her singlet top, a little Year 12 Fashion student with her many fabrics for a skirt. Well Jodi, multiple personality disorder can be fun, you’ll never be short of friends, but for a fashion choice, it’s confusing.

Kate Waterhouse

Okay, I’m see what she’s going for here and of course, Kate’s stunning and she looks very good, but it’s like that point in the movie of Bring It On, when everyone realises they have the same routine. Did a ticket to the birdcage include a top hat this year? And if so, why?

Kylie Gillies

Where’s the rabbit? Come on, Kylie, where is it? You have to have one, because unlike Kate, you’ve actually got a magician’s hat, like a proper magician’s hat. So, unless you have a rabbit or you’re about to cut Larry in half and cover the box with the wretched top of yours, then we need a quiet word outside

Megan Gale

While her boyfriend's away Meggie G’s gonna play. And wholly lord does she cut loose! Naughty teacher, meets naughty flight attendant, meets naught jockey, meets Mistress of Pain. Unless you're hormonal teenage boy or make a living as one (Hamish and Andy), then this is just a little too naughty.

Patricia Field

Okay, apparently for those Seven viewers lucky enough to catch Miss P Field, she didn’t hold back in dissin’ the local fashion talent. Well P Field, guess what, YOU LOOK LIKE CRAP. The only way you got into the birdcage today was with a pass clearly labelled and even then I bet security checked it twice because this outfit, looks like a Salvation Army bin thrown at you – so take that! And PS, your ‘Carrie’ fashion line looks cheap and tacky – much like your hair dye.

Sara Groen

I guess Sara decided to be edgy and not choose black and white but Sara, if you’re going to do that, then man, look smashing, look fierce, look so hot people can’t stop looking at you. Don’t look arts and craft project from the mother’s at the local primary school matched with an ill fitting dress of boring-ness.

Sigrid Thornton

Oh dear, at least Megan, Kate and even Kylie Gillies looked a little high fashion with their wackiness but Siggie just looks knock off cheap. Like, the stylist who looked after Meggie and Kate, his assistant ran off with his ideas and peddled out the cheap version. Like buying a Prado to Prada, a Side & Bass instead of Sass & Bide.

Rebecca Twigley

Rebecca honey, we play in the big leagues here in Melbourne, and whilst you generally win the Brownlow, the standard is a little different, a little cheaper and therefore it’s similar to when we play Bangladesh in the cricket, an easy soulless victory. My point, half attempts and your coy cocking head won’t be enough in the birdcage. It’s A game time, for four full straight days, and you’ve got a lot of work ahead.

Rock on ARIA style

2008-10-19T23:53:00.009+11:00

Axle Whitehead

The first ARIA’s back for the pants dropping bad boy and aside from the KFC tuxedo affect, he’s looking all kinds of brooding hot. It’s very James Dean over styled, and it’s very NOW. Anyone watching the building hype for the Twilight film will totally see the Robert Pattison likeness here.

Gabrielle Cilmi

Well, we now know that Gabrielle is one of those dressers! Yep, those wacked out crazy antic red carpet dresser. There isn’t much to say about a number like this, except that it would be a BITCH to dry clean. Also those boots are horrendous!

Lizzy Lovette

Thinking about it, it seems that I rip into Lizzy here at Harsh Light a lot, but come on, how can I resist? She’s wearing a leopard print dressing gown! It’s a cast off from the Kath and Kim wardrobe department. ARIA night is hard to dress for, I’ll give that to Lizzy, but surely a Gold Coast retiree isn’t your fashion icon of choice!

Megan Gale

I hate to be cruel about Meggie because God knows I love her and her taste in men, but that dress is awfully cheap looking. And that’s not saying Meggie is cheap, not at all. But it strangely resembles the bathmat material from my old house, the textured one that was always nice to rub my feet on. Not great dress material. Also at a passing glance, it could be Krystal Forscutt and no one wants to resemble her, not even a passing glance resemblance.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

This is like a giant reminder to take my medication. Take the red pill.

Pink

I really like Pink. I like her attitude to herself, about herself and her general it’s my way style. Which means of course she can wear whatever she wants, in any style. It’s great and this works completely. Classy, sexy and sassy and very un-ARIA’s which makes it awesome.

Ricki-Lee

I don’t want to be mean to the Rick-ster especially post the separation, but this isn’t the most flattering outfit for the girl. It’s a little too much junk in the trunk, Jennifer Love Hewitt style. And let it be said, as a possessor of a fair bit of junk in my trunk, I’m not against said junk. I’m just against dressing said junk badly. I’m a believer of making the trunk and all it's junk look good. And I’ll stop now before I confuse the junk and trunk.

Ruby Rose

Cool, sassy and rock with hot hair and even hotter shoes.

All ruined by the tatts. Okay, sure it’s rock’n’roll but when you’re 80 and rolling down to the newsagent to buy the lotto ticket that tattoo on her arm is going to look crinkly and wrinkly. Blah. By saying yuck to tatts though, I now realise how much I sound like I am 80.

Tim Campbell & Anthony Callea

Awwww. Does anyone else think that’s really cute?! I’m glad they’re not afraid for the red carpet, embrace it up boys and be proud I say. Although, I didn’t realise there was such a height difference. Funny.

Vanessa Amorosi

Re Tattoos, see Ruby Rose, ergo. Secondly, Vanessa, I thought the last album did well? I’m confused why you needed to dress in garbage bag material and I’m also afraid because those bags rip all the time and I’d hate to think of it ripping in the wrong area at the wrong time. Or is that what you’re attempting, a little Janet Jackson publicity nudity. If so, please no. Also those shoes are not your friends and are doing you no favours, especially your ankles.

The Brownlow 08 - Trashtastic Reigns Supreme

2008-09-23T00:37:00.036+10:00

Alex Fevola

Like any good bogan dress, unexplainable parts must be removed and serve no purposes but to be completely unflattering. Bogan dressers must also have two tone hair colours and cleavage encrusted jewels. Tick Alex, bogan tick.

Amy Pollard

Oh Amy, god lord no! This is some x-rated ice dancing dress of shame. Why would a jewel encrusted boob ever, EVER be fashionable?

Symone Demetriou

Sure, Symone looks very respectable but I’ll never ever understand the one shoulder dress. Did the designer simply run out of fabric? Just run out of time? Just give up? Either way, it completely looks unfinished.

Andrew Walsh’s Date

Wow, Date Walsh, that’s a pretty impressive Melanie Griffith 80’s hairdo impersonation. But you missed Idol’s 80’s night by an hour and now you look questionable to say the least. Your dress however could be lovely, but I can’t tell, the hair distracts me.

Anna Green

Again, I can’t see the entire dress but it seems to be a beautiful colour, and a nice classy fit and she looks elegant and seems to have resisted the urge to tear unnecessary parts of the dress away.

Shayne McClintock

By far and away this is the best dress of the night and by best I mean absolutely worst. Like, hands down, trash-tastic! As commented in my house, it looks like Shayne actually has a pot – and that’s even worse than being possibly pregnant. And the muffin top is horrendous.

The back of the dress just gets even better – it’s like Spiderman’s costume and its formal wear – how horribly bogan is that – this is what the Brownlow is all about people. I’ve just found my wedding dress, stand clear!

Rebecca Twigley

Okay, I’ll admit. I’ve never been Twiggers biggest fan. Her ‘famous’ dress was slapper town and encouraged girls for years to reveal more than their GP had seen – see above Shayne. But here, we get the right amount of football flash, Melbourne fashion and event formal wear. It’s good, I’ll give her that. But it will take many more years for me to forgive what she started – it’s like fashion Underbelly.

Harry O’Brien’s Date

Well Mrs O’Brien clearly you bought the ladies to play. Did they get seperate invitations? Seriously people, most of us understand the concept of gravity. So when the ladies point north without any obvious natural assistance, we’re going to ask questions and the most common question is: what is your plastic surgeon’s phone number?

Katie Williams & Jason Gram

Katie was last year’s gravity test and sure, while I can’t see the front from this angle, I’ll bet my rapidly decreasing stocks that she too has bought her ladies to play. And that’s fine, bring them Katie, but don’t pretend to be shocked when Herald Sun covers an entire page to your breasts and not global warming, economic crisis and even world peace!

Jobe Watson & Guest

Jobe’s date said on the pre-show that Jobe’s sister made the dress. Well, maybe the Watson’s should only play football because Date, this ain’t flattering, it’s flattening. Your boobs seem to be trying to escape a closing vice grip of fabric – in fact your dress reminds of a mammogram. Yes boys, a pain you should experience too because that’s a fun day for everyone.

Lucy Cornes

Lucy closed her eyes and willed herself back in time. Only 30 minutes, she thought to herself, thirty minutes and I could have tried the bra on, and realised that Melbourne’s unpredictable weather would mean nipple-city. Alas, her astral projections weren’t quite working.

Lauren Sharkey

I think it’s time to address formal wear with parts missing. Okay, yes cleavage is good, and interesting design is always appreciated. But turning up like a damn jigsaw with random no-essential parts just missing is stupid and annoying and turns formal wear into bikini wear.

Danielle Foote

If this is the same Danielle Big-Brother –One-Terrible-Cover-Single-Foote that I think it is, then damn, the girl went and got cleaned up good! Seriously, she looks really good. Good dress (from what I can see thanks photographers!), great hair and tan appropriately brown without being Fanta. Seriously that’s a Lara Bingle-esque transformation taking place right here.

Hayley Moxon

Cute. Sweet. A little bridesmaid-y. Still, compared to some of the whore-o-ful (get it!) dressing out there, this is demure and Hayley, please stay that way. Retain the sweet couple vibe I see here.

Random Girl 1

Another ice-dancer’s costume is recut and makes its way to the Brownlow red carpet. I personally love how with this dress the completely over the top backless part wasn’t enough, there also had to be a neck to navel slit down the middle – because that’s classy!

Felicity Percival

Don’t you just love Tom and Flick? Seriously, she’s the girl people want to be friends with because you can totally see her coming back to work the next day and telling fantastic stories about how the Melbourne tramps were in the bathroom, pumping cleavage, faking tanning up a storm. And she’s there all lovely and natural with her pretty green dress and AWESOME necklace (Tom, buy that for her – NOW!) with the hot boyfriend, who is Captain of the team. It’s like Senior Year in High School – if I went to an American fantasy high school that is and if I had been friends with the nice girl who is popular but also friends with the nerds – it’s a pretty involved fantasy.

Carla McGuire

What the hell Carla? What happened to the once bastion of fashion? What happened to the lady we used to depend on to consistently put in a good effort? You got caught up in the world wind of ruffles and kerfuffles didn’t you? Well, like Eddie has said to his more social players – enough is enough, walk away!

Emmy’s Best & Worst

Brooke Shields

I am in no way a fan of the dress itself but the colour – POP and Brooke’s hair – sublime!

Debra Messing

No comment required: see the woman’s face to Debra’s right – awesome reaction shot.

Emilie de Ravin

Em’s always been on the kookier side of our Aussies in Hollywood, and she continues the weird theme here, with some sort of Roman coin number than strangely ran out of coins in the final stages. Commenting on the world economic crisis through fashion?

Eva Longoria Parker

See I LOVED this. Its total hot, she rocks it, and it's aspirational - we mere mortals shouldn't try it. And it’s unique and different without being trashy! Sure the legs are a little Sunkist and not sun kissed. And yes, the hair bob isn’t amazing but it’s for the new season and her bid to be more ‘serious.’

Evangeline Lily

A deceptive beauty to be sure, what with all the being Lost all the time but Evangline looks super elegant here and the dress really grows on you the more you look at it. Seriously, it’s the magic eye of dresses, just keep staring, it will draw you in.

Grace Park

Firstly: Who? Secondly: I’ll have a vodka tonic – what? You’re not the bartender? Seriously, cause I’ll pay for it. Really, an actress – in what?

Hayden Panetttiere

I love it, it’s very sophisticated very elegant but there’s a giant part of me that feels Hayden wears this adult get-up so we won’t be too weirded out by her dating the decade older co-star.

Heidi Klum

Only Heidi Klum or Charlize Theron could pull of wacky shit like this is and it’s because she’s Heidi Klum that we let her. Anyone else – tragedy. Heidi and its high fashion.

Jennifer Carpenter

For the Dexter fans out there, this is Dexter’s sister – how good does she scrub up huh? For the fashion fans out there, how electric is that red? Comes up good doesn’t it?

Jennifer Love Hewitt

This dress is like an episode of Ghost Whisperer. I’m always strangely excited to see it before it airs, while watching it I feel cheap and equally entertained and by the end I always end up crying. Good self-promotion then J-L-Hew.

Jennifer Morrison

Clearly Jennifer Morrison stole this dress off a midget and is hoping no one noticed. What other explanation is there for the fact that inches, and I mean inches, are missing off her dress?

Julie Benz

In between all the blood and murder the Dexter girls went and got fashion game! Julie’s purple dress is fierce, and not in a Tyra Banks hog the limelight, it’s all about me and my crazy ass fierce. Just a normal level of fierce.

Lauren Conrad

For those that watch The Hills and OMG, you all should because it’s the perfect microcosm of our society right now – people pretending to be real for cameras and fame – anyway, LC or Lauren is our heroine, Queen B. She and/or her makeup artist does the best eyeliner but that’s about it. Clearly Lauren’s reality followed to her red carpet.

Mariska Hargitay

It’s that bright yellow that makes your eyes hurt, like when looking directly at the sun. Still, once you adjust, it’s actually quite nice and is complimented by awesome hair and make-up.

Michael C Hall

Michael, just a tip – when you play a homicidal serial killer on TV, best not to pull homicidal serial killer faces in real life as well, scares the folks at home. Okay, thanks.

Olivia Wilde

Love it! Elegant yet sexy, classy yet modern. And Olivia gets bonus points because she had to pretend to be in love with Mischa B for half a season on The OC and girl must have acted her ass of in that stretch.

Mrs Dempsey

Okay Mrs Dempsey, cheer the f*** up. Every time we see you, the face has a sour grimace, as if walking into a room on Patrick’s arm is the worst thing in the world. Well, lady, I can think of plenty of things that are worse than that – plenty. 1. Having dinner with Amy Winehouse 2. Listening to the entire Paris Hilton album ....smile bitch or I’ll go on.

Rachel Griffiths

Snooze-a-poolza! Seriously, Rach where is the fun Aussie spirit? Where’s the Melbourne fashion influence? Where’s a bit of colour, life or vitality? Has Calista Flockhart sucked it out of you.

Rose Byrne

The worldwide grimace fest continues. Go hang out with Mrs Dempsey Rose, you two would bring the house down.

Saffron Burrows

Oh wow! Remember when Saffron Burrows was actually young and attractive? Not pinched and pale. Hold onto that memory.

La La Logies Pt 2

2008-05-07T18:08:00.016+10:00

Chris Bath

Chris has always sneaky hot. You never quite knew that she was hot until she danced her pants off to AC/DC on DWTS and she has a knack for a good red carpet dress. Again, she gets my award for Sneaky Hot – great colour, flattering shape and a little different than the normal.

Erin McNaught

Okay, why is Erin McNaught there? She was on Neighbours for like two seconds, then decided that Sydney was more her scene and hightailed it back there. It’s not a massive loss for Neighbours in my opinion. Still, Erin shouldn’t suddenly get to trot down the carpet, even if she does look nice in her sack dress.

Fuzzy & Nathan

I’m going to shock a few people I think and say I actually like it! I do, I think Fuzzy’s cool enough and hot enough to carry this off, and sure the back train ruffles are crazy town and Nathan’s working some severe pinstripes, I actually think it’s kind cool crazy hip and the colour of her dress is jumping and you know what, I’m just glad it’s not black.

Jessica Tovey

Jess like her H&A cohort Jodi Gordon isn’t afraid to push the envelope, stretch the friendship, test the boundaries. However unlike Jodi G, I’ve been tested a little too far for my liking here. The bodice part is actually really good and I like the shape it’s giving, but then the flamenco ruffles that make up Part 2 of the dress are just bad. Bad in a Paso Doble kind of way.

Joelene Anderson

See, you almost had me Joelene, I almost wrote you a lovely review about how I thought this was cute and fun and quirky and sure, a little twee and a little prom but I was almost going to embrace that. Then I saw the SHOES! What are those shoes doing with that dress? How did this happen? Black shoes are not friends with sparkly pale dress, they just aren’t!

Jane Hall

I kinda like it and I kinda hate it. It’s much like an episode of Today Tonight, terrible because it’s so poorly executed (the tucked in things is way weird) but pretty because Anna Coren’s got nice hair and is trying hard to be liked (different to other middle age red carpetters). I also feel for Jane because Vince, her ex not so charming hubbie was there and it was a little bit of an Oprah face off on the red carpet. So I give Jane a pass, if only for the withering glance I hope she shot Vince.

Kate Langbroek

I heard Kate on the radio the next morning, trying to defend this dress and the one shoulder strap debacle. Well Kate, much like the Nazi’s, it’s pretty indefensible, the dress is just bad and the strap down, is wrong. And as you said, Alex Perry tried to fix it for you, but you refused. Between your word and stylist super successful designer Alex Perry, you know whose word I’m trusting – his, every time and twice on Monday.

Kate Ritchie

Like the John Farnham farewell tour, so drags on Sally Fletcher’s but you know what, I don’t care. I like Sally and I like Kate and sure her dress was bit billowy but who cares, her make-up and hair were beautiful, Alf was tearing up with pride and so was I.

Kat Stewart

Mission: To dress as formal shower curtain from the 1970’s.
Result: Majority successful, will attempt more fish based pattern next time, so as to avoid confusion with a magician’s assistant about to disrobe her cape.

Kim Watkins

Kim seems to be heralding the new formal uniform of someone from Star Trek in a horrendous orange, that only makes me think of pumpkin or sweet potato…in fact, I’m awfully hungry.

Lisa McCune

Hi, I’m Lisa. You may remember me from every Australian drama produced in the last ten years. You may also remember me from the many disastrous red carpet appearances I make, so much so that it’s now officially a joke. In fact, each year I’m invited on the basis, I don’t hire a stylist and trust my instincts. I cheated a little this year and hired a stylists for the bottom half of my dress. But my instincts kicked in and said, don’t match, don’t have the same pattern.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Sure, it’s pretty and Nat’s hair is nice and she looks good. But, it’s a little bit of anti-climax after all the dresses we saw on Dance.

Natalie Blair

I would like to ask for a Senate inquiry into how this girl keeps getting nominated for the Golden Logie. I’m mean, really and truly! While the Senate’s investigating why she received so many votes from someone called Satalie Flair, they should also check out why she decided this dress, if you can call it that, was a good idea. I see layers, I see tulle and I see lace. I see too much.

Natarsha Belling

Tarsh, seriously looks 12! The 12 year old little sister who comes to her big sister’s 21st, but got to go to the hairdresser for the first time, so they over styled her hair to make her feel special and then over the top make up to make her feel even more special. Well, Tarsh, you're 35, it's not special.

Rose Byrne

Channelling Keira Knightley on her most foulest, pissed, PMS day, Rose is just a ‘delight’! Besides the face of death and the colour of death, Rose, why the one arm sleeve route? Do you love one arm more than another? Does one arm feel fatter than another? That poor one arm, just hanging out there by itself.

Seven News Team

Latest headlines: ‘Seven news women dress badly’ --- ‘Melissa Doyle has amnesia, thinks it’s 1983’ --- ‘Kylie Gillies challenges Tania Zaetta for Bollywood throne’ --- ‘Natalie Barr looks oddly tall and manlike’ --- ‘Blonde woman is dreading being compared to Charlize Theron’ --- tune in tonight for these amazing stories.

Sigrid Thornton

Oh Christ Almighty! Sigrid, you’ve got to warn people when you’re about to scar their retinas like that. The weird pom pom hair effect – that ain’t right and is that a dress, shirt or bed valance? Whatever you think it is, it’s not.

Sonia Kruger

It must be hard for Sonia to resist all the sleepy park jokes at Todd’s expense but from what I can tell she’s resisting so well done. And well done on this little ensemble. Very classic and elegant and ladylike. Sometimes our dear Sonia comes off a little severe but tonight it’s soft wavy hair and womanly curves, wrapped in tulle and I approve.

Sybilla Budd

Well this is quiet lovely Sybilla. Very floaty and dreamlike. And it must be hard considering your show got the boot faster than your character wanted to give it to the lead dude – yeah, I was one of two people who watched it. Normally, I’m also very anti belts, bows, ribbons etc but here this just enhances the elegance so bravo to you.

Tom Williams & Zoe Naylor

Trains were the clearly the ‘thing’ of the this years Logies but you have to ask yourself Zoe, when my train becomes so large and pillow like, that it could be a game in my new show Gladiators, have you gone to far on the train? To carry home the pun: Get off the train Zoe, get off.

La La Logies Pt 1

2008-05-05T03:14:00.021+10:00

Don't worry kids, I have been very much MIA, but I wouldn't abandon you on the biggest night of all!

Abbie Cornish

Excuse me...I’ve been gone for a few weeks and I come back to 1985! Abbie, formal pedal pushers – in navy! Are you kidding me? You’re an edgy person, I get that, you’re hip and cool and that’s fine but navy formal pedal pushers and embroidery class velvet hide the sins of a 45 frumpy soccer mum top – that ain’t no edgy to me.

Ajay Rochester

Sure, Ajay, it’s been a busy week. Had to crown another Loser and all the ensuing madness but Ajay, honey, somewhere in all that joy and weight loss, could you not have maybe done your roots? Coz man alive are they distracting me. Also, whilst at the hairdresser, talk to them about a conditioning treatment, Barbie’s hair is more natural.

Alice Burdeau & Ian Thorpe

Shock horror, a model and a gay man. Well I never! Sorry, Thorpy, you’re not gay, are you? Moving onto Alice, despite it being a little pink and my personal dilemma of if her hair should be up or down – I still can’t decide – I actually quite like this. It’s daring and risky and very model, very statuesque. Very Costume National Gala Ball.

Andy Lee & Megan Gale

See, now that Meggie’s retired, I wondered if she could have just shown up in some trackies and called it evens? While Andy’s looking suitably dapper and spunky, Meggie’s still rocking her particular brand of exotic model. And the dress, it’s a bit undecided. The pattern’s nice but the cut outs, not sure about that. So all in all, a bit eh.

Anna Jennings-Edquist

Whatever diet, weight loss program, facial treatment or surgeon Anna is seeing, I’d like a phone number please – ASAP. Anna’s obviously decided to take it up to Meggie by looking very glam and sophisticated in the black and I applaud her. Go normal girl, you take that super model down a peg or two.

Antonia Kidman

Beautiful. In a sea of chiffon and silk, Tones looks delicate, and ethereal, and much like her sister, there’s always a chance she could snap in two. However, if she snapped, she’d still look very glam doing it.

Bree Amer

Okay Bree, I’m just going to get straight to the nuts and bolts of it. What’s with the formal armband? What’s up with that? When have you ever seen a formal armband look good? When? If you can give me one celebrity occasion, I’ll watch every episode of Friday Night Live. Yeah, good luck with that! (Although if midget's keeping breaking their legs, I might have to tune in)

Caitlin Stasey

After last year’s bikini formal hybrid nightmare and ensuing talk of ‘sexed up’ Neighbours starlets, Caitlin takes it back a notch this year. Instead of emulating a Britney type over exposure, she’s now heading down the edgier, more hipper, I don’t brush my hair, Isabel Lucas path. Next week, the environmental cause and Jesus sandals will surely follow.

Catriona Rowntree

Well that’s just lovely Catriona. A seasoned Logie red carpetter, I’d expect nothing less that her A game, and Cat brings just that. The right amount of glamour, sexiness and event dressing. Watch and learn you silk worshippers!

Charlotte Dawson

This reminds me terribly of the ‘is she, isn’t she’ Angeline Jolie Golden Globes brown sack. What gave her a clear passage Charlotte, was that firstly, she’s Angelina and secondly, she’s got Brad Pitt on her arm, and thirdly, she is reproducing with his child, thereby endowing human kind with more beautiful people. If any of these are also applicable for you, then you get a pass, if not, then go home and change.

Dannii Minogue

Dannii, no matter how much some over the top, screaming queen says, mounds of fabric held together with a staple gun click tries to convince you, this is not high fashion. Stop listening to what Kylie says, its sister sabotage.

Dean Geyer

Is this how hot boys are dressing these days? Thank God, I’m not in school because, I’d struggle to find anyone cute if Dean Geyer is the barometer for taste. It must be all that hanging around with and proposing to half of the Veronicas. The weird Supre Top 40 punk is rubbing off.

Erika Heynatz

I’ll tell you straight up, it’s not my cup of tea. It’s different and unique and I very much applaud that, but it’s not exactly setting my world on fire. And that is completely personal choice. Some people may love this, and they would be absolutely justified. So Erika enjoy this ambivalent reaction, I’m sure to have an opinion on something you wear soon.

Georgie Parker

Snoozefest 08. Seriously, seriously, boring. From her GHD straight hair (anyone can do that), to her black (sleepy), billowing (whatever), dress (snore), this entire ensemble was lazy, boring and completely wasteful of a good opportunity to red carpet dress it up!

Giaan Rooney

Giaan, what made you think this oriental fan dance dress would work? It’s pretty tricky to start with, and you’re not high Vogue-end fashion yet, it’s still ex-sporting star for you. What completely ruins it though it the black velvet layer – why? I know Melb’s cold this time of year but girl, suck it up. And take off Wendy Harmer’s dress.

Holly Brisley

Guys and Dolls said no Holly. Wicked! rejected you, and Rocky Horror Picture Show probably are hiding from your calls, so stop dressing like some demented grand dame of musical theatre. I mean come on, a head band? Are you busting out a jazz hands rountine later on.

Indiana Evans

This may be the last time we see poor Indy on our carpet as her contract was not renewed (insert: sacked). She’s chosen to go out on a high note. She looks fantastically her age, with great playful colours, her tan while clearly fake is actually well done and hair and make-up are classy and youthful and the shape of the dress means she can look thin and glam and still eat dinner – works for everyone!

Jennifer Hawkins

I think the pressure of being Australia’s girl next door is finally getting to the J-Hawk. She looked tired and pale during her red carpet interview and the dress is very un J-Hawk, in its heavy tones and over feathers. I feel like J-Hawk is actually get old, and she’s lacking her sparkle and dazzle from the earlier years...years when she could put not a foot, hand or manicured finger wrong. Doctor Harsh prescribes a three week holiday, preferably somewhere with sun for you and Jake and turn off the Myer tracking device.

Jodi Gordon

Wow Jodi, talk about take my obvious and known affections and test me. I see that’s what you’re doing here – you’re testing how far you can push my fashion allegiance to you. And I’ll tell you what, you almost lost me. On first glance, I was admittedly, shocked and a little horrified. However, the longer I look at it, the more it grows on me. And grows. And I think now after half an hour of coming back to it, I think I like it, I like the risk you’re taking and staking a claim on individuality and again, Jodi, just like Constable Jack on H&A, you suck me back in with your dazzle.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2 of the Logies coverage.

Runway is a Funway

2008-03-09T16:27:00.023+11:00

I’d firstly like to thank the lovely reader who sent me an essay of the culture of celebrity and of how my ‘tall poppy’ critiquing is mindless rubbish and wasteful of my time. Yes, I completely agree, it’s very wasteful, in fact if I felt this was at all productive I might have to stop.

I hope, that you have set your sights higher though, as really, in the pond of celebrity attacking, I am but a tiny minnow, a baby really, and I would hate for you to think that your email was getting to the people that matter. I matter least. Although feel free to keep expressing your thoughts on my rubbish.

Ajay Rochester

Slogan t-shirts are the death of an outfit. No matter how rocking the rest of the look is, no matter how much you’re feeling it – if you’ve got a slogan printed across your chest, someone will inevitably have a comment, and 99% of the time, it’s not going to be complimentary. Ajay, you’re not Paris, Britney, Lindsay etc, you don’t need to make statements through t-shirts.

Erika Heynatz

And here’s the ultimate case of its all good, really nothing wrong, Erika looks lovely and fresh and the colours work together. But something isn’t right. I don’t understand what, I can’t explain it, and really, it’s quite unfair of me to bring it up but that’s the breaks kids! Anyone got any ideas?

Jennifer Hawkins

I don’t know about you but Jen’s looking a little tired these days. The dress is pretty of course and she does look better than most people do on their very best days. But, the mismatching leg tan to arm tan is very amateur mistake, bad J-Hawk. I’d also love to have a chat with her hair stylist, maybe discuss the levels of blonde and its tiredness?

Lee Furlong

Poor Lee, some people don’t come with the fashion gene. It’s just never going to come naturally for them. And here, Lee demonstrates the off-ness, the shoes and bag match but they don’t work with the dress, the dress doesn’t really look good.

Megan Gale

It’s well known fact that Meggie isn’t fashion model size and before I receive flaming torches of death threats, I’m not at all saying that Meggie is large. No hell way, I’d love to wake up looking like Meggie G! But this dress doesn’t work for her...size. It’s very pretty and so is Meggie but together, they don’t work.

Natalie Gauci

Oh Nat, honey child, darling one (I’m using Marcia speak). When you’re attending the front row of a fashion show, dressing like you’re attending the first day of Centrelink payments is not the done thing! Each of these items are okay as casual, Saturday shopping centre items, together they are terrible. Together at a fashion show they are catastrophically inexcusable.

Tiffani Wood

Very nice Tiff, very nice. Sure, you’ve looked fiercer but as we know you can't operate at 10 all the time. It’s got to be shades of grey. The dress, the hair, the make-up are very event appropriate. You’re actually giving off a very strong Catherine Zeta Jones casual vibe here, and I encourage chasing that vibe, she’s got good red carpet vibe.

L’Oreal Melbourne Fashion Festival – Shots From the Runway

Today’s youth have enough trouble, what with drugs and alcohol corrupting their young minds, why would we make it harder for them to be cool by dressing like little orphan Annie’s?

Brides often have nightmares of their dress turning into giant tutu extravaganzas. This is that nightmare come to life.

Suzie suddenly realised why Mark, her fiancée was so keen to attend the bridal shows.

An early auditionee for the available spot in Hi-Five took their brief of brightening a child’s day too seriously.

That’s a party trick my friends!

Bee keeper with clean Blundstones or high fashion, you decide?

The new boy turns up in a pink parka? Close the door and think happy Javier Bardem manly thoughts.

The follow-up series for the Teletubbies early pre-marketing was going well, soon Inky Dinky characters would be everywhere!

China’s Swim Team costume makes its debut

Fashion for the home renovator. Pasta shell necklaces that can be put together in an easy afternoon of decorating.

Melissa wasn’t sure, was this appropriate for the office? Would her boob be inadvertently be captured in the photocopier?

The brief: to design for the country, with Australia in mind, design with thoughts of Waltzing Matilda, design with corrugated iron roofs, design with tough outback years. The mission: accomplished.

Nothing says hot man, I must date you, like stocking and bomber jacket. It’s why you see me at 7/11 every Saturday night, just hoping for some action.

WAG's and the final farewell

2008-03-02T15:53:00.020+11:00

Adam & Mel Gilchrist

It’s a tale of two dress, torn apart at birth, separated to the ends of the earth. Then, through chance, fate and coincidence, they reunited and became one. Sadly for Mel, they became one right before she was to wear either the yellow or white. She obviously felt so happy about the two dresses reuniting she didn’t want to tear them apart again, so wore this dress amalgamation and hoped for the best.

Andrew Symonds & Katie Johnson

If Katie weren’t so damn pretty, I’d be so tempted to talk about how the dress should have been fitted better to her, how it looks a little sack-ish and silvery milk bar curtains thing would have work better on a fitted dress, but I can’t because Katie is so damn pretty and she has accessorized well and her hair is pretty.

Brad & Mel Hodge

It seemed this style of dress was very popular with the WAG’s, and I understand why. It’s very flattering and classy and gives you a teeny tiny waist effect. Mel looks very elegant and she’s done well with hair and resisting the urge to plump her ladies over the top of the dress. Overall, classy.

Brett & Elizabeth Lee

See against my better judgement I really loved this dress. It was different and summery and fun. Yes, there are contrasting patterns and ruffles, but somehow it all seems to work and Liz has wisely laid low on the hair and makeup but THEN, SHE RUINS IT BY CARRY A DAMN EASTER EGG PURSE! Or wait, is that a cricket ball purse! Either way, terrible, terrible, terrible. And can’t see past it, I can’t look at the dress and not see Easter egg/cricket ball purse so DAMN you Liz.

Cameron White & Jacqui Morris

Oh dear Jacqui, this isn’t a happy time. The champagne coloured silk skirty thing is okay, but the criss cross sparkly top thing is completely wrong and gives the effect of being formal wear for a Lollipop Lady. At this point, I’d like to ask also what man convinced every Australian cricket that higher you middle hair line stands the cooler you are. It’s so not try and you look stupid – L’Oreal, please cancel the hair gel order for the Australian Cricket team please.

Frank Sweet & Emily Clark

Yes, Frank the 80’s are strangely and un-explicably making a comeback. Hypercolour is in, tight leggings are all the rage. However, when it’s like you’ve been photoshopped in from 80’s – that’s a step too far. Seriously, Frank I think you’re wearing my jeans from 1986 and even then they weren’t that cool. I can’t even look at your girlfriend properly with the stonewash scarring my eyes.

Georgia Sinclair

Is that formal gingham I’m seeing? Or formal netting? Either way, it ain’t good here. Georgia seems to have mistaken it for a farewell BBQ for Meggie G, not a farewell catwalk. Also, Georgia, it’s time to step away from the straightening irons. Honey, I love my GHD’s as much as the next girl, but when the wind blows and your hair moves as a unit, you know it’s time to stop.

Jason & Anna Gillespie

Part 2 of the same dress – Anna tries to the more saucy red and black combo. And the results are pretty much exactly the same, classy, elegant and all the above. However, the red doesn’t quite bounce for me and that’s why I award Mel Hodge, winner of the best ribbon and long strapless dress best on carpet award. Well played to both ladies though.

Jo Silvagni

Like a fine wine Jo just gets better with age (who manages to keep wine long enough for it to age – my wine is lucky to last a week before someone’s cracked it open). The perfect combo of yummy mummy, fashionista and yoga-licious lady. I’m just going to ignore what I believe to be a cork wedge I just don’t see it. Can’t, won’t, refuse to see it.

Kate Waterhouse

Kate continues on her merry way of stripping Jodi Gordon of her mantle of consistently best dress red carpetter. Make-up, hair, skin colour are just delightfully perfect. I’d personally lose the ugly black Fendi bag for another outfit. I’m also concerned that at the end of night after a few drinks, Kate’s going to have a real challenge on her hands to get out of that dress – but that’s not my problem – or maybe not Kate’s either! Boom boom ching!

Kathryn Eisman

Alright Eisman, you’re either hot or cold. Pick a feeling and stick with it. You can’t be Miss Priss buttoned up to Amish standards at the top and then be Paris Hilton’s leggy sister at the bottom. Pick one and stick with it. Probably neither are great choices, but still.

Lara Bingle

Against every fibre in my being, against everything that I am – I have to say I like this. I think Bingers, looks great. She’s doing her thing and look good at it. Now just don’t speak, or think too much or actually do anything else. Just be quiet and still and look pretty.

Matthew & Kellie Hayden

Oh my sweet lord. Kellie? Are you auditioning for Annie Get Your Gun? I hope so. Or, as the song goes ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ and he obviously came back with this dress for you to wear. If you sold your soul for Mattie to have some form, and this was the payoff, I’d understand – otherwise, nup.

Mitchell Johnson & Jessica Bratich

I think Jessica’s a really supportive girlfriend, really there for Mitchell. Probably goes to all his games, claps loudly when he is about to bowl. Won’t ever go to the bathroom when it’s his turn. You want to know how I know this? Because only super supportive girlfriends, wear sparkly sports tape as part of their dress, only top notch, really committed girls call up Elastoplast and ask what’s in their formal range.

Nathan & Haley Bracken

If you were asked to close your eyes and imagine what the visual of sugary sweet, candy coloured formal dressing would look like – I would think many people would see something along these lines. In fact, this dress only serves to remind to visit the dentist because it’s so sweet, so saccharine sweet I feel like my teeth are rooting by merely looking at it.

Sarah Jane Clarke

Yes Sarah Jane, Katie ‘Jordan’ Price would like her shoes back.

Shane Watson & Lee Furlong

How is she actually standing without toppling over? Lee, eat something! This is the ultimate in lollipop fashion and Lee you may feel the soup diet and over exercising is a good show of will power – it isn’t. You look like a Barbie doll, and those Barbie dolls aren’t anatomically correct. Life can’t be good when you’re not anatomically correct.

Stephanie McIntosh

Everyone please rise, stand up and take everything out of your hands. And join me in thundering applause because HOLY COW STEPHANIE looks AMAZING, FANTASTIC, SUBLIME. This is by far, the best I’ve ever seen dear Steph. Hair, make-up, dress, tan, everything is pitch note perfect. I’m so proud, I might cry!

Thomas & Susannah

I always love seeing the reality starlets a few months after the show has ended and the cameras have been packed away. And I’m kind of excited to see that Thomas and Sus are still together and they look cute and fresh and well matched in their shared vanity (and I don’t mean that in a bad way). Pretty people being pretty together.

Trent Croad & Partner

The only thing that struck me about these two, is that seriously, don’t they look like they are about to break into the bank. Like they are auditioning for the roles in the sequel Mr & Mrs Smith. They just seem to ooze -Catherine Zeta Jones, Entrapment, check your handbag, you might be missing a phone, sensuality in the black.

Oscar Monster Post Part 2

2008-02-27T23:42:00.018+11:00

Blame Sydney and their need to have severe storms that temporarily ground planes meaning completely revised departure times! Sydney has a lot to answer for.

Heidi Klum

In a sea of red, and I mean a sea! (you’d think some stylists would whisper in people’s ears – ‘wear purple this year, trust me, stay away from RED!) – anyway, the sea of red, saw Heidi emerge victorious. Sure, she’s Heidi Klum and that already helps, but still, the theatre of this dress, the grandeur, the statement. It’s very Oscars, the one place where statement dressing is really allowed.

Isabella Miko

In many, many, many, many secondary events, held for people who will never be good enough to crack an invite Isabella confused me greatly. Did she just come from a seafood restaurant and leave her Lobster themed napkin on her dress? Or is that really a design pattern?

Jennifer Garner

I love Jen, I mean love her. She’s just so lovely, polite without being a suck, always doing the good mum things with little Violet (park, library, food market), so I’m loathe to criticize but I have to. Jen, you’ve got the assets, you’ve got an excellent figure on which to dress, and you can carry a few colours. Why, oh why, are you dressing like you’re attending a very glamorous wake?

Jessica Alba

The Alba-nator. Either very beautiful in her plum dress or stuffing an ostrich down her cleavage – your choice?

Jodi Lyn O’Keefe

There was like five minutes in 99 when Jodi Lyn was hot. She participated in She’s All That, another teen rom com was on the way, and fame beckoned. A wrong turn and some bad decisions and she was starring in Out For Blood as a vampire named Layla. Here Jodi demonstrates why the side bun isn’t really making a comeback, you just end up looking stupid and with probably the worst hair headache ever!

Julie Christie

I know it was cold in LA on Oscar day, I get that. I don’t get the need for pink, thumbless (oh yes, look closely) long gloves. And if it was so cold that gloves were required, why the bare legs? So many questions.

Keri Russell

Keri’s another working mum who I think is delightful and whenever I see pap shots of her, I think you look lovely and happy with the bub. However, here Keri reminds me of myself at the Year 11 formal. I’d been sick all week, hadn’t eaten a thing but was determined to attend. It was a bad/good godsend because I’d lost at least five kilos and in the photos my shoulder blades could cut glass. Much like Keri. Sadly, that’s where Keri and I finish in our similarities. Probably not so sad for Keri.

Kristin Chenoweth

The other colour of the night, next to red, was black. Black, black, and more black. And yes, black is the new black, but come on people, live a little. Kristin however is one of the more hotter black dressed beauties. She completely plays to her assets, a tiny waist and generous ladies. Well played.

Laura Linney

From the best black to the worst black. Oh my god this is the fashion equivalent of StillNox, I’m already getting sleepy.

Marion Cotillard

Yes, I know it’s very Ariel, A Little Mermaid, but people, it’s not black, it’s not red, it’s unique and she’s French. That excuses a whole lot of shit. Seriously, drop an ‘oui, monsieur’ and people suddenly feel compelled to sit straighter and call your fashion choices daring and experimental as opposed to lazy and clearly hasn’t done her washing.

Melora Hardin

This is what happens when BeDazzler’s malfunction.

Miley Cyrus

Little billionaress Miley (yes, her projected earnings are now in billions – my life at 15 was a little different). She looks the right cross of adult/child attending grown up award show. Don’t want to sex up and piss of the conservative mummies who pay for Lily-Sue’s concert tickets, bedspreads and every single DVD of Miley ever created.

Nancy O’Dell

Oh God Lord Nancy! If Renee Zellweger is having trouble convincing me a split is a good thing, then I think maybe mere mortals shouldn’t attempt it. Also, the cleavage is incredibly ice dancing and not Oscars red carpet. I know you’re generally behind the camera, but the stars do have to look at you, pay them some respect.

Penelope Cruz

Penny is an Oscar’s dresser. She just comes prepared for a red carpet glam off. Sure, the dresses are big, bouffy and nothing you’d ever wear to the shops – but it’s not supposed to be that way. She also gets all my points because that hair style is so HOT! Imagine her and Javier – wholly lord!

Renee Zellweger

In my house we have long discussions re: Renee. I just can’t imagine hanging out with her. There doesn’t seem to be an inch of warmth there. And she just looks so pinched all the time, seriously squeezed and uncomfortable. Right down to her eyeballs, squished into her face. The dress gives the same feeling, sure it’s sparkly and glamour but you can imagine her entire body squished in. Ooch!

Rosamund Pike

If I were creating a movie were (inexplicably) the Jetson’s were attending a red carpet event, this is what I would have Jane Jetson wear.

Javier Bardem

And finally, Part 2 of men you didn’t realise were this hot, Javier Bardem. There’s just something so manly and Spanish about him. And not to be crass but, check out the size of his shoes ladies...you know what they say.

I will now go to bed, with the thought Javier is picturing me when looking at his Oscar.

See you Sunday for the cricket awards coverage and trust me ,there are some corkers.

Oscar Monster Post Pt 1

2008-02-25T23:15:00.010+11:00

Part 1 today, Part 2 tomorrow - got keep you interested!

Adrienne Frantz

Hey wait a sec, isn’t this the Oscar’s? You know, the height of heights, the hardest invite to score this side of a Jolie-Pitt playdate? What the hell is Amber from Bold & The Beautiful doing there? Sure, she looks super glam and very red carpet attention seeking, but I just can’t get past the fact that a Forrester has finally made it to the red carpet. Do you think it’s a Ridge Forrester original?

Amy Adams

Amy was one of the few brave ones who risked a colour and boy, am I glad she did. The green is so very flattering to her pale complexion. The cut and style are perfectly Oscars.

Amy Ryan

You know, everyone just played it a little safe on the red carpet this time. And Amy, you are Captain of the Safe Team with the boring navy. Come on, you’re nominated in Best Actress and yeah, you’re up against some heavyweights but maybe put up a bit of a fight.

Anne Hathaway

I feel dear Anne has forever felt the pressure of high fashion since starring in Devil Wears Prada. She’s felt required to be the after shot and it sometimes doesn’t work. While the colour is very sumptuous, the cut and hydrangeas she dragged along with it – not so much.

Calista Flockhart

I couldn’t decide if I liked Calista’s dress or not and what tipped me over was above neck action. It seems that she got half way through cleansing and just stopped, no foundation, no powder to prevent shine, hair pulled back in a butterfly clip. Just flat out stopped!

Cameron Diaz

Sure, Cameron’s the good time girl and she always brings something a little unique but this outfit totally feels like last year Part 2. In fact, I’m not entirely unsure, she didn’t wash her white dress with something red and hey presto, recycle.

Courtney Love

You really can’t tell what you’ll get with C-Love, so in a way, this is not bad – it could be a whole lot worse. Sure, the fringe is very questionable and who knows what’s been ingested pre-carpet but she’s standing, she’s alive and looking at a camera.

Josh Brolin & Diane Lane

I consider Josh Brolin to be part of the two men No Country for Old Men revelation. Men you never knew were quite that hot! See also: Javier Bardem. And Diane, you don’t look too bad at all in the brown.

Eva Herzigova

Do you think Eva saw Heidi Klum’s consistent invitations to every award and wanted in on it? Well Eva, you’ll have to do better than excess yellow tissue paper dress you’ve got going on here. Really, florists should never design dresses.

Eva Orner

Eva, we know not who you are
Well before yesterday anyway
You looked amazing, very pretty
Don’t start working with Michael Bay

George Clooney & Sarah Larson

Really? Seriously, really? Sarah, um, have you actually looked at who you’re standing next to? Yep, that’s George Clooney. THE George Clooney, dude who runs around Lake Como and who everyone in Hollywood wants to bed – men and women. So honey, to be on his arm, a bedspread ain’t going to be enough. You’ve got a whole lot more to work on.

I Like Your Ladies

2008-02-24T18:21:00.005+11:00

A small post today, as tomorrow the Monster Oscar post will probably kill me! Get ready people, it’s the big one and there’s so MANY people, who get it SO wrong. Check in Tuesday morning for full comprehensive coverage!

Amelia Pain

I don’t want to be obvious, because that will be frankly, well a bit lazy. But it’s too easy to associate Amelia’s surname with the feeling I get when looking at this outfit. Pain - hah! Also, Amelia, as a Ralph girl, I would assume it would be part of your contract to wearing a more busty revealing dress.

Charlie Brown & Jennifer Hawkins

I just don’t quite understand what’s happening with Jennifer. This floaty dress is probably quite nice but I just don’t see Jennifer in it – except obviously I do because I’m looking at it. It’s just something I’d expected Nicole or Cate to wear, it’s very Queen of the Fairies as opposed to Queen of the Catwalk. Still, this is very much a personal choice from my taste wardrobe.

Deni Hines

Deni continues to jump between midlife Ezibuy Shopper Catalogue dressing and Mum’s wardrobe raiding dressing. Also, why does Deni always struggle to pull an appropriate and normal face on the carpet? She looks like a first day kindergarten attendee.

Jordan Loukas

I need someone to explain why Jordan is famous? As far as I understand it, she’s famous for being an annoying foul mouthed wannabe model who didn’t win on Australia’s Next Top Model. Well, visit Frankston on Saturday night people, there’s plenty of foul mother wannabe models who don’t win anything.

Melissa Doyle

Not Mel’s finest hour really. I’m not going to say Melly’s added a few kilos, but she enjoyed the summer break, and that’s fine – so did I, I think we all should. However, maybe the strapless dress isn’t ready yet? Maybe just do a few more Naomi Robson newsreader yoga classes and then get back to me.

Sarita Stella

Memo
To: Sarita Stella
From: Ralph magazine
Re: Invitation to Ralph party

You are attending a Ralph magazine party, the dress code will be D cups on plentiful display, a very short hemline and piles of flowing hair with a special added tantastic glow.

Memo
To: Sarita Stella
From: Ralph magazine
Re: last night’s party

You were awesome, so were your ladies. See you next year!

With An Infrequent Frequency

2008-02-18T00:11:00.014+11:00

Just a pre-warning, this year, due to possible challenges in time management (mine completely) the updating might not be every week. Of course, I aim for that, but I don't want to say absolutely every week it will happen - why not sign up for the email to let you know when it's posted, save the checking back hassle? Fear not, I will absolutely be around for the big ones, Logies, Spring Racing, ARIA's etc and also Oscar coverage next week (YAY!).

Annalise Braakensiek

Anna...lise! It’s been a while and look at you, you look smashing! Red is working for you and the black shoes while a touch shiny are very glam. I know we’ve seen the black version of this dress on all and sundry but this red makes me forget all that, and I say welcome to 2008 Annalise.

Gracie Otto

Look at this – out of the arm slouch presence of boyfriend Matt Newton, Gracie can smile! Gracie can stand! Gracie is free! Gracie maybe wants to fix her dress – it just looks like it doesn’t fit her and before you all scream at me, I know it does, but it looks like it doesn’t okay! Also, what does Gracie do? I’m not trying to be sarcastic, I’m actually curious, does Gracie act, sing, dance and if any of these are applicable then maybe she could do some more.

Laura Csortan

Laura seems to be wearing the latest from the Amish line. Or at least the local Byron Bay Hemp Formal Wear Winter 08 collection. Sure, probably very good for the environment but not so good for your red carpet credentials.

Megan Gale

If only shopping was this formal and fun, I’d be there faster than something very fast. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an escalator look so good by merely having a glam girl ride it.

Oh Meggie G, don’t cry - I know you'll miss me. Really, I don’t think this is the end for you, I think you’ve more than endeared yourself to Australian hearts. You’ve done some excellent walking, some excellent racing attending and some excellent boyfriend selecting – seriously, you’re living proof that the funny guys are better than the hotties – not that Andy’s anything to sneeze at.
So good luck Meggie G, please keep attending red carpets, and bring your boyf and his third wheel, I know many people like them too. Miss you already – call me later, we’ll catch up for a coffee.

Rose Byrne

Gosh Rose is just a fresh faced beauty. Seriously, I hope Estee Lauder has signed her because she’s so fresh, no other word for it. I also quite like the simple the dress and wouldn’t you believe it, don’t hate the belt. The cardy is a little daggy but it does look a bit chilly in Harbour Town, so I’ll let that pass.

Samantha Brett

See, Sam, you’ve really screwed this up. I was this year, planning to be open minded and maybe give you a break but then you turn up like this? And the problem is that dress could have been nice, if maybe it had a smidge more length in it, and wasn’t paired with shoes stolen from the Gentlemen’s Galley dancers room.

And clearly Sam, doesn’t believe in letting go of a theme. Last year it was the over puffed red dress, this year, clearly it’s going to be lace. Lace on everything. Lace will free the world.

Tali Jatali & Samantha Wills

I’ve always had a fascination with Tali here at Harsh. She’s Australia’s answer to Juliette Lewis, bizarrely photographed and famous for not much at all. At least Juliette’s dated Brad – Tali just seems to excel in taking the most inappropriate red carpet photos. I’m not sure if there was a massive and sudden chair shortage wherever Sam and Tali were, but one would think standing politely instead of using your friend as a sofa would have been the way to go. Who knows what Tali was thinking?

Tara Moss

Still walking the line of bizarre male fantasy’s, Tara’s male fans can now tick saucy librarian off their lists. I’m all for glasses, in fact, correct eyewear is very important (so I’m learning) but Tara’s seem more stage showing, more prop than necessary – ‘look, I’m a famous SMART author, I write things that are fastened into a book, so take that lowly actors.’

Tiffani Wood

Well, Tiff’s year hasn’t started off well. Poor lovie is apparently having trouble at home, and that’s no good, but there’s no need for those nasty tabloid’s to be accusing her of invitation-itis (a disease were one accepts invitations to all things going, see envelope opening). A handbag store opening with the chance of a free bag, would drag the most reluctant woman away from the homestead. Still, Tiff next time such an opportunity drags you out – can we maybe brush the hair a smidge more, and maybe less beach cafe wear. Sure it’s summer, but it’s evening, and a telephoto-lense is there, game on time.

Watch My Show, Come on

2008-02-03T22:08:00.000+11:00

Brian McFadden

The McFadden makes it ultra clear who is his lady is – a very Wizard of Oz, Big Brother is always watching kind of way. Also, whilst Delta’s highlights are good, Brian my lad, not for you. It’s too much. As is the Year 9 art project which is your t-shirt. Also remember what they say about horizontal stripes – bad stuff.

Catriona Rowntree

Cat’s looks hot here, the cocktail dress, the glam hair, it’s working, which leave me flabbergasted as to why she’s standing in the street. And before you email, I know, I know, she’s at the UnderBelly launch but they couldn’t afford a red carpet? I’m sure the gangsters the show is portraying could pay for a red carpet.

Edward Scissorshands Ballet

Alright, this isn’t exactly fashion but more a question of how exactly this will work?? I mean, one slip and its curtains for the poor lassie. Or one miss timed jump and the front row will be part of the CSI live stage show.

Hilary Duff

The Duff-ster’s back in town and I’m happy to say looking very age appropriate yet cool, hip and happy with herself. Once embroiled in the Brothers Madden and Nicole Richie triangle, she’s looking better and better and hats off to the girl, who doesn’t sell the break up story. Continue on the slim-line fierce Duff-ster and maybe an inspiration teen movie or two.

Kirsty Allan

I’m not sure who Kirsty Allan is, but I’m sure Zoo Weekly will be onto first thing tomorrow morning. Sure Kirsty, there’s attention grabbing outfits, but this is attention groping. Really, do you really want to be this girl? The girl whose breasts enter a room a full five minutes before she does.

Lizzy Lovette

If Lizzy is hosting a wedding tea party for a Southern Belle then she definitely looks the part and the bride will be thrilled. If she is doing something else, like perhaps launching the older, wiser, cooler Duff-ster’s perfume range then maybe Lizzy misjudged the event. Less Peaches’n’Cream more adult sass.

Melanie Greensmith

Holy Jesus! This just inexcusable. Unless, she’s had the most awful, terrible break of all time, come out drunk on cocktails and no food and just FORGOT her pants and under top and even then, where are her friends? The alternative is the snapper mistook her for a guest, when in fact she is walking around the corner to the Buck’s party for some adult ‘entertainment.’

Paul O’Brien

Paul O’Brien’s been hanging around my radar for a year or so now. I secretly have a crush on Constable Jack and I was terrible upset when he married the whinging nurse Sam, and not true love Martha on Home and Away. However, whenever Paul turns up on the red carpet, despite all my hopes for him, he just has the air of try hard. The glasses so ‘casually’ placed, the vest, the sleeves rolled up look. It just screams stylist! When in fact, he’d probably do better being himself, and the boy next door look.

Shane Jenek

For those who wonder who Shane is ...this my friends is the alter-ego of one Courtney Act. Yep, this is that woman! I know, I’m kind of bizarrely attracted to him, he’s really quite hot. I could totally see him in a guest spot on All Saints or some other needy Australian drama. Can’t you? And Shane looks good in the suit too. It’s totally freaking me out!

Shelley Craft

Shelley’s ditched the network and moved to Nine and in turn has also ditched all that heavy travel reporter hair (see Natalie G). And she looks all the more better for it, fresh, youthful and happy to have a chance at new places. The orange also doesn’t overwhelm her and I’m loving the new Shelley.

Carla Maguire

How HAPPY does Carla look to be back in Melbourne? And we’re happy to have her back too. Even Eddie. Melbourne seems to understand him better. So Maguires welcome back – we expect to see Carla looking lovely and Eddie smiling proudly more often.

SAG is the hottest girl in town

2008-01-28T21:12:00.000+11:00

I love award shows, like maybe a little too much. It’s just so exciting, and in a really anti-climatical way. The red carpet is the best, and when I lived in America and E! would indulge me and have four hour red carpet coverage – come on, what’s not to love? So with the possibility that the Writers’ Strike (a worthy cause – seriously, those writers’ were being robbed, they need to strike) may turn the Oscars into a sad little semblance of its self, the SAG’s could provide the only red carpet this season, so I’m taking a bigger interest that normal for the local Harsh Light.

Allison Janney

As precursor, I have to say I love Allison, LOVE HER. She’s is so classy and elegant and an amazing actress and if you see only one episode of the West Wing, you too will fall madly in her trance. Having also seen in her person, she’s incredibly beautiful and slim. Which confuses me, because with her height, I’m surprised the dress is too long? Who the hell was it originally made for – Michael Jordan?

Amanda Bynes

I kinda like this for the Bynes-ster. Whilst, not entirely being a fan of the drapery down the bottom, the bodice part and especially the hair and make-up are very good. The Bynes-ster has been known to over-tan in the past but I’m proud of her restraint here, it makes her look less teen Lohan cohort and more upcoming actress with talent and future career besides tabloid scandal.

America Ferrera

I like it, and then I don’t. It’s a great cut for her and flatters her figure beautifully but it’s also boring. Like really boring. In fact, I want to say Snoozefest 08. Come on America, this is it – no Globes, this is the one red carpet of the season for TV stars, you can bring it better than that!

Andrea Bowen

This is what happens when young actress try to act older than their age. Andrea obviously feels, that she doesn’t want to be the young teen actress on Desperate Housewives, she wants to be a housewife. Fine, but Andrea, you look stupid dressing like a 40 year old, when you’re nineteen.

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

I understand that you’re hiding the bump, I do, I get that. You want a little more time before every single camera lense is focused on the midriff only, but Ange, wasn’t there something else in the ‘hiding bump from paparazzi’ section. I’m sure it’s a pretty big section these days, what with everyone in Hollywood being knocked up. On another note, you two looked HOT at the actual awards show and THAT kiss was smoking!

Becki Newton

The flaps, why the flaps, it ruins what was to be a really lovely stunning dress. Imagine the dress, without the tissues look – the simple belt line, and then it drops to the floor in sparkly goodness! Oh what could have been.

Carla Gugino

I don’t know why celebs feel the need to test their cleavage. In some sort of challenge to her breasts, Carla’s given them the least support and most access to escape from the front, the side and even into the middle. The dress is fine, but I spent the entire time holding my breath, waiting for an errant boob. Hopefully Carla, the cleavage past the test.

Chandra Wilson

At first I thought I LOVED it, and in parts I still do but I’ve just noticed that golden sparkle in the dress is oddly reflective on her skin and makes her seem – golden? I know, I know small things but it just keeps bugging me and also makes me squint a little.

Christina Applegate

Of all the sparkle grey dresses (and there were a few), Christina romped it home in this one. She looks STUNNING, in my eyes. The dress fits perfectly, the hemline is to die for – imagine the swishy fun it would be. The décolletage is sublime. And the hair, it’s not over the top 40’s do, it’s soft and floaty and I love it all. It only further heightens my anticipation of Samantha Who? what looks to be a perfectly stupid show – so unbelievable but so watchable.

Ellen Pompeo

Meredith looks good here – happy, healthy and not having strayed off the path of fashion individualness to Bjorktown. The only thing, imagine how annoying that train is going to be in four hours.

Eva Longoria

Eva knows her stuff! She knows her body and what works on it, what colours compliment and if she turned up to something looking terrible, I’d be shocked to the core.

James Marsden

Who? What? Is someone talking, if so, SHUT IT. I’m looking at James Marsden, who is such a cutie! I’m mean, come on people, if that turned up at your door one night, how pleased would you be? And after seeing 27 Dresses, he’s even cuter because he survived a perfectly clichéd film (which I loved).

Jamie Lynn Sigler

This was my absolute favourite dress of the night. It’s just so beautiful, without being a disco ball of sparkles. It’s so understated in its beauty too. The crisp white paired with the blue – just awesome and Jamie Lynn doesn’t do anything stupid with hair, makeup and accessories. Where can I buy one? Including her perfectly toned shoulders.

January Jones

That name can’t be real, can it? January, who is born in what month – yep, December, no kidding, she’s actually born in January. Still, January's dress isn’t exactly floating my boat. It’s a weird sort of tissue paper gift wrapped, coming out the front, coming out the back thing and it’s not working.

Javier Bardem

This is for all the people (especially the ladies) who saw No Country For Old Men – a brilliant film – and had nightmares for days later thanks to Javier and his pageboy haircut as Anton the killer (I haven't ruined any plot lines, don't worry). Javier is actually quite the manly man and likes fiiinnnee and rocks an open collar.

Kate Beckinsale

Dear Kate, can you please appear in a movie that I actually like? Or have heard of? Also could you please avoid yellow in that shade at all costs, it’s completely overwhelming you and forcing you to make bad decisions. Much like you film script choices. Love, Lady Harsh

Marion Cotillard

Maybe it’s because she’s French and that sounds so much more elegant, maybe it’s because she classy and quiet and demure. Who knows, but Marion looks so beautiful here. The colour and cut somehow work and she doesn’t end up looking Disney fairy princess in a big ball gown.

Mindy Kaling

I’m the first to say, I have massive respect for Mindy, one the writers/stars of The Office (USA). She writes some of the best episodes ever and has a hilarious blog about buying shoes amidst the strike etc. Mindy however, a split down the middle is no one’s friend. Never has been, never will be. Please don’t feature on my page again as a fashion mistake, please next time feature as smart, cool, connected woman you are.

Rene Russo

Okay Rene, obviously didn’t get the memo that’s she’s 54. YEP! That woman is 54. And sure, I’m pretty confident mother nature isn’t that kind (and if she is, where the hell is that kindness in my direction). But Rene's crafted a beauty that doesn’t reek of botox. She can, as witnessed here, craft an expression. And boy does she look good! I’m considerably younger than her, and wouldn’t complain if I looked like that every morning.

Sandra Oh

Is it too easy and lazy to simple write Sandra Oh and mean it many, many, many ways. Oh my God, Oh dear, Oh my how sad, Oh no pink and black, Oh man that’s a big bow, Oh boy she’s housing a small camp of children in her dress, Oh how much must her limo be crowded, Oh I'd hate to be sitting next to her. Simply, Oh.

Sophia Bush

I have a girl crush on Sophia Bush. I don’t know why either, it’s not like I watch One Tree Hill, I think her taste in men is questionable (what would possess you to marry Chad Michael Murray) and she doesn’t seem to do much else but her little soap opera show. However, I do see her in some cute outfits and her hair is always pretty. And her dress her resembles bark off a tree, but still I don’t really care. It’s very A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Viggo Mortensen

What happened Viggo? Where is Lord Aragorn? Hell, I’ll even take the oversexed baseball player from 28 Days, another entirely good-crap (or groop as I like to think) movie. This like a cross between Colonel Sanders from KFC and Tibetan monk. I don’t think I even want to know what that red tassel is attached to. I’ll assume it’s something sexy and not a tasselled cummerbund.

I'm Back!

2008-01-28T20:40:00.000+11:00

After an extended break, which I neglected to mention in my last post, I’m back! And I did keep an eye on the local fashions and nothing to traumatic happened. But I’m back and ready to regularly post so make yourself comfortable, grab a beverage of choice and let’s rejoice these next items aren’t in our wardrobes.

Alannah Hill

I’m not quite sure why or how Alannah got invited to the Aus Open tennis ball, it’s not like you think tennis and Alannah. Can you picture her on the court? No, neither can I. I’m also concerned about Alannah’s growing dependency to eye make-up, it’s as if she’s the Veronica’s older, lesser seen band mate who was ditched just before the fame arrived. And not to be rude (sure!) but the dress is oddly widening – two tiny legs seem to be strangely far apart. Yep, bizarre-town.

Diane Neal

Di’s attending the NY G’Day Australia ball and I have no idea who she is or how she’s related to Australia – at all. IMDB says Diane Neal is the blonde woman on one of the Law & Order’s but I don’t think this is the same Diane Neal we’re talking about. Firstly, I don’t think that Diane would wear a curtain as a dress. So, dear Diane Neal the second and unknown, maybe chat with the more famous Diane Neal about how Diane’s are supposed to dress – less drapery probably is a start. (Are you Diane confused yet?)

Gina Jeffreys

Gina’s the old girl of country music scene, and has been at the Golden Guitars before they were so Golden and were most likely held at a BBQ in the beer garden of the Tamworth pub. Gina’s obviously decided to fight the age references by dressing like a seventeen year old formal going lass. I understand Gina that it’s hard with all these youngsters joining the ranks but seriously, maybe the cliché ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ isn’t entirely appropriate here.

Julian McMahon

Julian was honoured at the NY G’Day Australia ball, and I’m still not sure what gig got him over the line. Was it his stupendous work in Charmed with Alyssa Milano, was it his amazingly, sadly Oscar unseen, work in The Fantastic Four as a Doctor Doom? My personal belief is it was his brilliant work in Dannii Minogue’s This Is It, video film clip. Anyway, the hat Julian, the hat. What’s going on here? Are we busting the gangster scene later on? Hoping for a call up to Sopranos: The Next Generation? Whatever the reason, I’m going to need an essay of explanation.

Kate DeAraugo

I heard one Miss D on the radio the other day, discussing joining Jenny Craig (I think) and while I commend the efforts, everyone needs to feel healthy, maybe dressing better would win half the battle. This is a better look for sure, than the awful, eye scarring denim skirt ensemble of late last year, but still, the shark netting around your neck? And eyeliner is good, eyeliner is great, but in moderation Kate, moderation.

Kimberley Joseph

I saw Kim in the background of someone else’s shot and wanted to like the dress, saw it briefly and thought, ‘oh that’s pretty and fresh and glamour.’ However, up close, it just keeps growing in resemblance to Grandma’s bedspread.

Kim Wilson

I don’t understand, really I don’t. Sometimes, you look at a dress and think I could work that, and even in the store under the pressure gaze of the store assistants, you think okay, not quite but I’m still buying it, and even it at home, under the suspect gaze of friends and family, who are just dying to say something, you convince yourself, this could be okay. How Kim at any of these stages didn’t look in a mirror and rip off the dress and burn it immediately, is beyond me.

Lee & Robbie Kernaghan

The first thing I know you’re all thinking is – did she really fake tan her legs that badly? No, rest assured people, they are sparkly deep tanned nylons! Yep, that’s right, sparkly deep tanned nylons– don’t you just want a pair? No, me neither. So while it’s not a tan gone bad, it’s now a step away from being the gold statues that stand in the street and somehow earn money for doing not much. Ladies and Gentlemen, Australian of the Year, Lee and his statue impersonator.

Lisa Rinna

Another un-explainable attendee at the Aussie Tourism thing in LA. But still, Lisa looks good. Sure, the face has been a recipient of one too many injections but still, the dress is classy and elegant and something I think I would like to wear. Even the shoes are cute, simple and assisting the dress instead of fighting the dress.

Michael Vartan w/ Shane Warne, Brendan Fevola, Mark Poo

OH MY GOD, Michael run far away! Please don’t listen to anything, anyone one of these men have to say about women, especially Australian women! You’ve accidentally wandered into the cheating, cashed up bogan (CUB’s), my IQ’s so low, they stopped testing around 12 club. Really, nothing good here, move along, move ALONG!! SAVE YOURSELF, YOUR DIGNITY and RESPECT!! RUN FOR GOD’s SAKE, RUN!

Miranda Kerr

Holy Miranda Kerr! Girl, looks good. When are Portman’s bringing that out? It’s very funny but if you read the message boards from the USA, Miranda really divides people, they either love her, or think she’s a PR pushing, boyfriend tabloid sellout. Strange because I think she’s cute, kicky and would personally put her in my top five ‘I’d have her package thanks magic genie granting my wishes,’ – what you don’t know that game?

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Okay Nat, we’re a week out and the pressure’s mounting. From my informal polling, So You Think You Can Dance, is shaping up to be the show of the year, excitement is building, people are stretching, getting ready to learn routines. No pressure, but Cat Deeley is pretty good – a few tips, she seems genuinely sad/excited about the contestants prospects – do that; she has a signature statement ‘it’s the judgeess’ in her UK accent - find something that endears you to the viewers; she takes fashion risks, but doesn’t look like Gretel Killeen on eviction night – don’t listen to Ten stylists, make them call people other than Supre, Glassons and Dotti. Good Luck, and I’ll be watching.

Sara Storer

So that’s what happened to that football dress from the Brownlow a few years ago? You can actually see that Sara’s realised how bad this dress is, how much she’s misjudged the whole thing, but it’s too late and she’s going to grin and bear it. That’s the Aussie spirit Sara.

Ursula Brooks

Ursula every year comes to the Aussie gala in LA and every year, mistakenly believes she’s attending a ho-down. Come on Urs, that dress is made for a dance sequence in a country western cliché ridden film. You just need the cowboy boots, a fair ground, and somebody who has done you wrong and hey presto ‘Wilma Jean: Riding High’ the telemovie will be born.

Silver Ain't Your Friend

2007-12-17T23:06:00.000+11:00

Firstly, a Merry Christmas to all and everyone. Thanks for checking in weekly, especially with the recent sporadic (Clueless flashback!) updates. Thanks to all those who've been Harshed this year, most of you have taken it in the spirit intended and for those that didn't...well, it's the season of giving, so I'm thinking happy thoughts for you.

I'll be posting across the summer as per normal, but due to the slow local scene may need to source some material elsewhere - should be fun times!

Axel Whitehead

Seems Axel has taken a leaf from the Matty Newton School of embarrassing incident recovery. He’s laid low for a suitable amount of time and is slowly resurfacing. Sticking strictly to the rules of Principal Newton, he sports the scruffy beard and dishevelled look, loose tie. Points are being deducted for not draping over girlfriend, but I’m sure Principal Newton will give Axel a pass, it’s his first time back. Plenty of drapery time still ahead of him.

Debora Lee Furness

Well, that’s certainly one way to counter those beard rumours. Take that gossips columnists, Deb seems to be saying. You think I’m his butch beard, well let’s see you make sense of tuxedo that seems to be taken directly from my hubbie’s wardrobe. Yeah, that’s right – betcha you’re confused now huh? And while I applaud Deb’s resistance to the rumours and her fashion statement...couldn’t a well timed public display of affection be just as convincing without the hassle of such as weird outfit.

Guy Sebastian

For Christmas I would like to hire Guy a seamstress, who post haste would sew the hemlines on all his jeans, thereby stopping him from ever rolling up the cuffs again. It’s stupid, stupid fashion that makes him look so damn top heavy – and not in a robust fireman way, but a pudgy bear way.

Kate DeAraugo

See, all nice and simple. Of course, a little too much eyeliner for the daylight, and maybe Kate needs her roots done but pretty normal right?

OH HELL NO! Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? What in God’s or Hillsong’s name would possess Kate to do this? Firstly, the shiny nylons – are we starring in a Working Girl remake as Melanie Griffith later on? And the short denim mini? No Kate! Lady of Night is a fashion you don't want to emulate. And Payless Shoes called and want to thank you for wearing the latest in their line – Sassy Girl Blue.

Kerri Anne

How very Angelina at Cannes! Seriously, Kezza, you look damn fine here. The yellow’s working for you and the length means no stocking issues. The hair and heels, it’s all good my friend. That’s right Kezza, you finish the year on high – love your work.

Matt Newton & Gracie Otto

And here he is! The master of slouch, the king of laidback and the bearer of the scruff. It might appear to some that I have a problem with Mattie, that after earlier escapades I look unkindly towards the boy. Not in the slightest, I just have problem with the fact that poor Gracie Otto is being used as crutch or a bar ledge. Matt, if you can’t stand then don’t walk the carpet – and if you can stand, then by gosh, do it, don’t use Gracie.

Natalie Gauci

Hello Natalie, congratulations on that unbelievable win – and I mean unbelievable in the slightly negative sense, because I just didn’t believe the tweenies would desert their beloved Corby in such staggering numbers. Still, you’ve won the crown and one limited year of publicity that affords you. As part of said publicity that includes me and my nastiness. And yes, I’m sorry darling but the blue skinny leg jeans, ain’t do you no favours. The vest and pink heels also bad ideas. So that leaves a black singlet top.

Nicole Kidman

What does one say? I’m really quite disappointed is what I’ll say. Cause seriously this is damn ugly. And in case you’re wondering why she’s got her hands clasped across the suit – it’s because she’s trying to avoid being the world’s first photographed celebrity silver skinned foil camel toe. I hate to say it, but I think loopy Cruise may have dress sense marital thing going on. Look at one Kate Holmes – Nicole once was as sharp and unstoppable as that, and that time strangely coincided with her arrangement with TC. You do the math.

Tara Reid

You have to ask yourself at what point in your career that opening basement stores became a viable option? It’s a question I pose to Tara as she opens Perth’s Myer Basement store. Yep, you read that last part correctly. I’d also like to issue Tara with a sandwich alert – maybe have one or two. This yoyo dieting cannot be good for your body and I’m a little concerned. It doesn’t keep me awake at nights, but occasionally it crosses my mind, so help me out and clear that off my mental checklist by eating something, much appreciated.

Our best effort at credible awards

2007-12-09T22:14:00.000+11:00

Adelaide Clemens

Hello Avon calling! While this outfit is lovely and demure and is never going to appear on the Supre racks, I think Adelaide has run too far to other side of the line. Whilst searching for demure, she’s found retro housewife with ill fitting mid-section. And sure it’s cute and historical probably accurate, Adelaide could be so much more funky and cool.

Alan & Tracey Dale

Well Jim Robinson has come a long way, like a seriously long way. Delta, Kylie, Holly, Jason, Guy – they’d also wish for this guy’s career. The pinnacles being sharing screen time with the always fantastic Jack Bauer/Keifer Sutherland (never a hotter mug shot has been taken!). Still, I respect Alan & Trace for respecting the red carpet here in Aus. He’s dug out the tux and she’s wearing a lovely frock. Yay for you both!

Amy Erbacher

I kinda like this, actually I kinda a love it. I mean it’s summery and different and co-ordinated and just cool! This really makes me want lose the Christmas insulation, get a fake (healthy tan) and traipse around in white skirts which I’m sure to stain.

Asher Keddie

Asher’s a beautiful woman, there’s no denying it. So why would a strikingly gorgeous woman dye her hair such a boring brown? And then a loose sack purple dress that doesn’t really do anything for her? Okay, it doesn’t hinder her, she’s not revoltingly awful but it could be so much better, so much better.

Daniella Farinacci

If Daniella was the intermission entertainment, performing with animals jumping through her earrings whilst they were on fire and then she would perform a magical scarf dance revealing scarves from her hoop fronted dress, I’d understand this outfit. If not, then what’s going on here?

Delta

Glamour and Delta finally come together after so many near misses it was becoming a TAB sponsored event: Will Delta look good today? Heading back into more normal fashion grounds Delta finds safety and comes out looking amazing. The perfect combination of length, cleavage, jewels, adult hair helping Delta continue transition to adult with an ease that Britney Spears will never know.

Emily Barclay

I’m a little worried about Emily, I think there may be a serious problem. I think she’s been sewn into her black tights and is desperately hoping someone will notice and free her from the confines of perma-black legs. I’ve noticed Em, I’ve seen your cry for help and I’m assembling a crack team of seamstresses and we’re on our way, hang on, just hang on.

Emily Browning

Emily’s always been the little funk-ster than other starlets aspire to. She went off quietly to Hollywood, got herself her a nice little starring role and not a New Idea story to be seen. She rocks a fresh young look here, that I think is so cute, hot, rocking – even the shoes, they somehow work, even though they shouldn’t, they do. Hurray for you, young thing.

Emma Booth

Another youngster showing the early Blanchet gene of beautiful, ethereal fashions. Okay, it’s not red carpet stopping and we’ve seen versions of this Grecian inspired frock before, but there’s something in way she’s refused to even touch a bronzer that excites me. Especially heading into summer.

Isabel Lucas

She’s back! My fashion fruit loop! My off centre darling! My scoop of something different ice-cream. Issie, honey, let’s talk together, talk about your shoes? What’s up with this things? Are they booties? Are they surgical shoes? The dress itself is pretty but the ski boots you’ve teamed with overpower everything!

Joelene Anderson

I’ve resisted so long with Joelene using the lyrics to one Miss Dolly Parton’s classic song and I can resist a little longer, so consider that my Christmas present to you all. Here is the ultimate case of so close, so very, very, very close. And this is probably the prime example of my taste ruining everything. The dress is beautiful, great: insert your own adjective of choice. However the boring middle part in the hair COMPLETELY ruins it for me. I’m sure I’m alone but just imagine the outfit with a glamour updo and sparkling earrings – it would be that extra bit special.

Kathryn Eisman

In the case of the belt that ate the dress, Kathryn is Exhibit A. I put it to the court, that on the alleged night, Kathryn, the suspect, went to her wardrobe, pulled out a black caftan, and then without consent of any reputable stylist, BELTED the dress (insert courtroom gasps) with the SILVER REFLECTIVE BELT (insert crying ‘No’s from the courtroom). The people rests its case your Honor.

Marny Kennedy

Okay, don’t lie, this picture freaks you out too right? It’s really bizarre, and it’s nothing to do with the fashion. Very girlie, and simple but it’s not the dress, that’s got me hooked. It’s completely weird and I checked all other pictures to make sure it wasn’t just me, but nope, it’s Marny. Her head is seriously two times too big for her body. I’m not trying to be mean but it’s the only think I can think of when I see this picture. I feel like I’ve wandered into a modern day fashion parade from Munchkin Land.

Pippa Black

Pippa has never been renowned for her fashion sense. In fact, she seems to be fighting against good fashion on constant, war on terror kind of way. Tonight, she wears a dress from the Noni Hazelhurst strain of circus stripes. How anyone in team Black thought this was flattering for a young little starlet in training, I’ll never know.

Sara Groen

This could really go either way, it’s the definitive line ball decision. On one hand, it’s a cute cut, summer dress with hot shoes and a great fresh hair style to match. On the other, its Grandma’s bedspread recycled with pearls thrown in for good measure. You call it, however you see it?

Sophie Monk

The hairstyle screams ‘my stylist completely f***ed up what I asked for so in the last 5 minutes I’ve had to wash my hair back and pin into some Tara Reid slick do.’ The eye make up screams ‘I partied really late last night and had to use three layers of black liquid eyeliner to cover up’ and the shoes scream ‘Misstress of Pain’s special priced hour sessions now on sale.’ Everything else is getting drowned out by all the screaming.

Tania Zaetta

Someone, preferably not me, needs to sit down with Tania and have a serious chat about why stripes in her hair are awful and make everyone laugh. While they are chatting, could they also mention the Espirit mid 90’s top needs to be into the recycle bin. Feel free to submit your resume for consideration to chat with Tania, I’ll pass them along to her agent.

The Banas

I’m love with both of these people. Eric, firstly, cause damn that’s a fine piece of moody, broody, yet down to earth loveliness. And Mrs Bana, because she always seems stunningly girl next door. She’s never out there selling Eric’s stories, she’s just raising those kiddies, looking amazing and wearing exquisite dresses when required. And The Banas, because they seem genuinely happy together and honest and I could imagine them being great movie couple buddies. So Banas, give me a call, I’m free most nights but prefer Tuesday’s cause I’m cheap.

Beckham's in the house, what's offside mean?

2007-12-02T21:44:00.000+11:00

Ajay Rochester

Look, it’s not brilliant but it’s actually pretty okay. And yes, you don’t want to hear that on your big night, you look okay, I think Ajay should take it as a compliment. I feel like Network Ten stylists have in the past few weeks extended the arm of friendship to Ajay and offered her a few nice dresses, this may or may not have something to do with Biggest Loser currently filming. I like to think Network stylists were being nice, but then I think Idol and those clothes.

Antonia Kidman

The Kidman sisters are funny bunch and not as in hysterical sitting around the table discussing the emotional repercussions of Martha not interrupting Jack’s wedding on Home & Away with a bottle of wine and then becoming increasingly excited about High School Musical 2 – my house is fun! They strike me as severe, chilly, frosty, polite private school girl giggling behind hands over mouths. I feel this comes across in their fashion sense as well and all I want to say is lighten up – and maybe eat a donut.

Bianca Dye

Lordy be! Firstly, and fore mostly, does Bianca Dye not owe a bra? Or is she a really strongly minded, fight for everyone feminist? If that’s the score, then so be it. But alas, I feel it’s just Dye-rs has real trouble finding a dress that she likes that also has room and availability for a bra. They do existing B-Dye, search high and low but you’ll find it. Also, while searching, maybe steer well clear, like not even same suburb as the colour yellow!

Jennifer Peers

People often remark how flattering wrap dresses are, how becoming and ladylike and very good for the figure. And sure, most of the time, this is true. However, when said wrap dress is kiwi fruit green with lovely dust ruffle as a collar, the above compliments are completely void.

Jordan Lukas

Firstly, does anyone else see the young Seventh Heaven Jessica Biel similarity here? Like Jordan could absolutely play Jessie in a telemovie about her days on the religious soap. Take That Rev. Camden: Sticking it to Aaron Spelling By Posing for Playboy, it would be called and I know at least three people who would watch. In other news, the shoes totally don’t match and belong somewhere else, probably Kings Cross.

Kate Ritchie

I feel like last summer was Kate Ritchie’s moment. There was actual genuine anticipation about her possible character death, her fashion sense was also creating excitement and sure nobody likes a nasty split, but it gave her celeb breakup cred. Now, the fashion’s gone, the stupid ending to this season of H&A and she’s probably happy with a new boy. As a way to celebrate her move to radio, I might buy her a steamer, she seems to need it – crinkles be gone!

Kate Waterhouse

It’s like Kate Ritchie has (I think unwillingly) passed the baton of local Aussie fashionista to Kate Waterhouse. And this is big for me, because I was a ice cube when it came to Kate W, cool and chilling. Colour me surprised because I’ve completely melted – Kate looks hot here and the whole outfits is unique, not bought of a Sportsgirl rack at the local mall and completely flatters her sky high long legs. Keep rocking it Kate and you I could be besties.

Sarah Jane Clarke

I’m sure you’ve seen this photo by now, but I think it needs revisiting. If only to prepare for Halloween next year or that 80’s party sure to happen. Objectively, David Beckham’s in town, big soiree with everyone desperate to meet Golden Balls and you’ve scored an invite. Good on you. So why then, would you put on this outfit and think, I’m going to rock it. I’m actually picturing SJ sitting on the edge of her bed, rolling on her silver socks and at that very moment, right at that very moment – what is she thinking, what?

Stephanie Brantz

See it’s all good and okay and everyone is fine and dandy until Steph buys a dress that looks like a Dalmatian pooped on the front, or she possibly spilt a bit of soy sauce. I can’t tell if maybe the big black oil spill is supposed to be something but that’s my point, if it doesn’t come across on photographs and that’s half the reason you buy the dress!

Virginia Gay

Oh dear Ginnie! Like Tiffani Wood-ster I sense we’re going to have long, long road to travel towards fashion forwardness. We took steps at Spring Carnival but back in your natural habit of Sydney, you seem to revert to form. The form of mismatching colours, fabrics and unflattering fashion…yeah let’s work together Ginnie, let’s move forward.

Sing a song and win a prize

2007-11-25T22:57:00.000+11:00

Okay, I’ve been terribly lazy and there was no update last week. And yes, there has been plenty of things to Harsh about, so really there’s no excuse but sometimes people, mamma has to live. Or in my case, do my laundry and get ready for my real job. Yep, I have one. I would say I promise that we are back on track here at Sunday but I won’t cause forks in the road and all that jazz. I am mildly confident (Marcia Hines is there room on your fence to sit) that I should be back on track.

Billy & Aleisha

Secretly, just between you and me, and a few other people. I’m secretly kind of pleased and very much surprised to see these two still together. Unlike previous BB relationships these two have been quietly restrained and private, which is frankly AMAZING! While the Blue Steel gaze that Billy’s attempting here is failing dismally and I’m not too sure about Aleisha’s Bee Movie dress, my more romantic side is going to let it pass – because who doesn’t secretly support a little reality TV romance – and don’t lie.

Bree & Brodie

These two on the other side of the coin, annoy the CRAP out of me. Firstly, I have no explanation for Bree’s dress sense and secondly her continual employment at Ten. And Brodie ... some people on reality TV can be annoyed about being portrayed as an idiot. I firmly believe you are a full time idiot. The glasses, mullet and self satisfied cheesy cat grin don’t sway me differently.

Camilla Frank

Dear Diary,
Tonight I went to a launch for a new hotel, something about pioneering and getting back to nature. The invitation mentioned something about meeting the natives, so I dressed in this awesome bearskin pantsuit. I found it on sale at the Paddington Markets. The guy I bought it off said something about it being a great rug but what does he know about fashion – I’m the designer! So basically, I was totally themed up and everyone else just came looking normal and lame. Losers,
Growling, Cami!

Chloe Lattanzi

Um...interesting, it’s well...there’s...well...okay, here’s goes...yeah...um...hmmm...I got nothing, there are simply no words.

Damien Leith

How do you stand in front of a mirror on the way out the door and as heterosexual male who is appealing to the nanna & mum market, see sparkly black tuxedo jacket, tight man t-shirt with no collar, a weird piece of rope masquerading as a tie, off colour denim and formal polished shoes and think I look matching and good and will make people remember my Idol time fondly? Do you dim the lights for that?

Danielle Foote

How is Danielle still on the celebrity guest list? Sure, it’s not the AFI’s but still, I’m surprised to see her dragging out the fifteen minutes so long. Especially in the orphan Annie sack dress she is wearing. Yes, she’s matching and her accessories and shoes are good but the dress itself ...it would make an excellent first day period, lay on the balcony dress. Not a red carpet dress.

Monique Coleman & Lucas Gabreel

Who? I hear many, many, many, many people say. They were in a little telemovie recently, didn’t get much attention, I don’t think you would have heard of it. A little something called ‘High School Musical 2.’ Firstly, I will right now say, I am a fan, I know the words, I may have learnt some of dances from the first one and yes, I know this is incredibly sad. However, I am pleased as punch to see Monique looking so good. Usually she’s standing next to the two skinny girls and she chooses to wear something truly horrible. Here she’s looking full figured and proud and sassy and Go Wildcats! (if you've seen it, you'll get it). Lucas is scaring me a little with his demonic Macauley Culkin’s younger brother thing but because he virtually saves the day in HSM2 (it’s okay, I know it’s that sad) I’ll forgive him the hair dye.

Natasha Pincus

A small time actor with indie cred, who dresses as if the world were one giant parent teacher interview. She is the new teacher, probably majored in art and teaches the kids all kinds of neat uses for pipe cleaners and sequins. She’s realised too late that all her wardrobe is tie dyed and hemp dresses and wouldn’t say respectable. So fashioning her pillow case, borrowing her dad’s pants from the 80’s and some of her brother’s school shoes, she thought she’d show those parents a thing or two.

Noni Hazelhurst

Noni has always been fond of a stripe. Whether it’s the couch or the curtains or her skirt, she’s not afraid to see the world as opportunity to audition for Charlie and Chocolate Factory 2: Revenge of the Oompa Loompa’s. With herself in the role as Head Mistress Oompa Loompa, I see box office gold.

Samantha Noble

It was all fine, all normal long hair and black party dress and what have you. And then the shoes that should be classed as weapons of mass destruction. Like a weird cross mutated version of tap shoes with heels and Sammy Davis Jnr rat pack dancing man shoes. If she’s planning a song and dance number for later, good effort in saving on carrying baggage but even then, I’m sure the dressing room would have held them for you.

Is someone else coming along?

2007-11-11T23:14:00.000+11:00

The marquees are down, the tents folded and the champagne’s all gone. And I have to say, I feel Equine Influenze affected the marquees as well. There was a certain celebrity factor lacking. And who in the hell was Christopher Cross? He is for Dad’s 60th backyard BBQ birthday bash, not the Emirate Melbourne Cup. And the international quality severely poor – Carson Kressly doesn’t count – the dude loves the festival. Maybe people should start sending invites out NOW, like right now, this very instant. Get the emails happening PR people.

Alex Fevola

In what can only be described as bogan/westie high fashion, Alex inexplicably wears a tuxedo vest jacket with a silver scarf threaded unflatteringly through! Also pants! Really pants? For a Ladies Day races lunch at the Broken Hill pub, Alex would look smashing – for a high profile, marquee guest – NO.

Ali Mutch

There’s a gaggle of Sydney stars who aren’t good enough, or can’t afford a Virgin airfare and a night at the Formula 1 Tullamarine to come to Melbourne – who get together and pretend not to be upset over the rejection. In the theme of cheapness Ali does well with her cheap looking dress and very cheap looking head piece.

Ann Marie Cooksley

Ann Marie is paying homage to the idea of excess! Way too much of the hat, way too much of the dress, way too much of the tan, way too much of the hair. In fact, Ann Marie will be a new harbinger of my new phrase WTM. For those slow on the uptake Way Too Much. Congrats Ann Marie on doing something good today, probably not what you’d planned but congrats anyway.

Chris Bath

Well, Chris I must say you look very sophisticated glam. Sure, red shoes and/or clutch to match the hat would have been splendid but of course, the dress itself with the shoulder baring sexiness – very good! Take that newsreaders.

Chrissy Amphlett

The races go Greek grandmothers. Seriously, the only word that springs to mind right now is babushka. However the scarf with its skulls does give it a touch of ‘gang totting babushka!’

Delta Goodrem

Okay, what the hell is going on here? Is Delta planning on heading over to the stables later and planning to help birth a baby fowl? Is she giving the horse their rectal EI checks? Why the gloves of Lady Death? Take them off quick smart or Delta, you’ll find yourself in a Marilyn Manson video.

Fiona Horne

Okay, I hear that marquees have standards and refuse anyone with the listing of ex-Idol or ex-Big Brother contestant, and I fully understand that. You’ve got to set the standards and make it completely out of mere folk reach. You don’t then go and invite and professional witch! And no, that’s not a derogatory term, that’s what Fiona describes herself as one the world’s leading authorities on White Witchcraft. What crowd that must be.

Georgie Parker

Okay, Georgie, when you’re attending a Georgio event you dress up. You find the best outfit in the entire wardrobe and you damn well dress up. You don’t dress up in brown sackless dress with netting. You insult Giorgio and everyone else who attended!

Ian Thorpe

Ian was quite surprised to find so many people outside the massage parlour. Sure, his fame meant people followed him many places but a black carpet with security blockades? Wow this new place sure knew what they were doing. It was at this moment Ian realized he’d forgotten to get his shoes and was still wearing the beauty parlour provided slip ons. Oh well, these were pretty comfortable, maybe he’d keep these instead.

Jennifer Hawkins – Oaks

Out of the three outfits for the week, this was my favourite but wow, what a lacklustre campaign from the J-Hawk. So very achievable and bought off the store rack. Any little teeny bopper with daddies credit card could buy this outfit from the local Myer and while that’s wonderful advertising for Myer, it doesn’t make it her the fashion force she once threatened to be.

Jennifer Hawkins – Cup

This was a far more sophisticated look for the Hawk but alas, a little nutclubbie for what is a daytime event. The amazing floaty fabrics, the feminine touches, the ladylike elegance of last year all gone for pop rocking cool. Sure, it’s with the times, but the J-Hawk should be getting paid millions to be ahead of the times.

Jodi Gordon

I’d be sad too Jodi if I was wearing that outfit. Contrasting silvery fabrics with a ballooning high waisted skirt, and a giant trampoline shirt. Sadness and even tears. In fact, pretty girl like Jodi dressed so badly makes me misty eyed right now.

Kate Langbroek

Kate has always, always, always been some one who marched to her own drummer. Sadly the drummer is an out of time, completely tuneless amateur and that I guess reflects Kate’s clothing choices. In an dazzling display the devil’s shoe workshop has gone into overdrive with those awful clog heels. Kate also may feel, one day, to maybe run a brush through that hair? But far be it from me to suggest such CRAZY ideas.

Kate Waterhouse

The fact that Kate’s the size of a toothpick aside (more jealousy than criticism) I actually quite like this. It’s fun, flirty, yet still daytime ladylike. The ruffles are something that could only be carried off by very few. On others this would be the nightmare 80’s flashback we fear but the mark of a good fashion dresser is making it contemporary.

Matt Newton

Like Ben Cousins refuses to walk anywhere without looking a cocky so and so, Matt Newton refuses to shave, tuck in his shirt and straighten up that tie. And sure dressing doesn’t really have anything to do with the man, but Matt, maybe you’d like to take a few steps forward and meet us half way. Spruce it up a bit, look like you care and we might care back.

Melissa Doyle

It screams mum so badly I want to ask where the rumballs and cucumber sandwiches are and then promise to catch up and the Christmas BBQ at the Johnson’s house. In fact, Mel, where are the rumballs?

Melissa George

High fashion, yep sure. Expensive and out of the reach of all but a few, again big ticks. Sure to impress the fashion packs, of course. Looks like she sat on an emu and wrapped herself in silk curtain with a pink tea cover on her head – definitely.

Rachel Hunter

Part 2 of the ‘Rachel Hunter’s really famous, no, seriously, she’s famous – it doesn’t matter what for alright, she’s famous believe us – no believe IT!’. Maybe like me, her headpiece kept on falling off so she ditched it. Unlike me though, she ditched it into her cleavage. And while that’s incredibly crafty it isn’t particular flattering or alluring. Merely draws attention to the ill fitting and unflattering bodice area of a bad dress.

Sam Brett

Yep Sam was another sad Sydney-ite who didn’t warrant an invitation to the big end of town. And I can’t say I’m at all sad about that because she would have tarnished the marquees with her red dress version of her black dress book launch. Especially the tarnished with the feather duster on the head. So shoo Sam, go back to the clichés and poorly timed advice.

Sonia Kruger

I feel like this nasty photographer caught Sonia on the way of the bathroom with her dress accidentally tucked into her knickers. And for that I won’t judge her because that’s mean.

The Maguires

A much better showing from Carla Maguire and this ladies is race-day wear. Classy, elegant, sophisticated and definitely not a red carpet dress recycled. I am a step away from loving it because it lacks the hat/fascinator/headpiece/adornment, but generally bravo Carla well performed.

Virginia Gay

Warmer, warmer, warmer…Virginia Gay is known to readers here as quite possible one of Australia’s most horrid dressers for her size. Again not a criticism of her weight, but her dressing. This does more her than anything but still, it could be a whole lot better. Why, would you chose stripes? Also baggy – it just invites comments of nastiness. But slowly Ginny's walking away from terrible-ness and heading towards possible goodness. Keep coming Ginny.

Derby Be Your ARIA

2007-11-05T00:30:00.000+11:00

I'M back! Yes, ARIA failed promises aside, I'm back and just in time for the Spring Carnival - HURRAY!

Don't forget to check back on Wednesday for Cup coverage, Friday for Oakes coverage and Sunday for the usual stuff.

Ajay Rochester

Oh Ajay, Ajay, Ajay. Why would you pay for hair?? Especially hair that comes from the Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson. It’s very striperella and what’s worse is the dress itself is quite nice. Sure, a bra would have given it an extra lift but overall, it was a very nice ensemble. Until Ken Paves clip on hair ruined the whole thing!

Amy Pearson

I get it, and then I kinda don’t. I see the leather and sure rock star, and glamour and all that jazz, rock your socks off. But then the weird tissue paper décolletage, what’s going on there? Also the lack of rock starry-ness in regards to the rest of the outfit. Some heavy black eyeliner could have worked a treat.

Anna aka Hamish Blake’s Lady Friend

Well, I’m sure glad to see Anna back in the pack, staking her claim that yes, normal ladies, you can too bag a celebrity male. It’s possible! I think she takes her quest to make us all feel like we can achieve greatness a little too far, what with her awful yellow sparkle dress. But that’s nice Anna you felt like offering. PS Love the figure from this angle, you look like you’ve been working hard and so congrats to you.

Bree Amer

Okay I’m officially sick of this pose, especially on Bree Amer but in generally. This ‘how cute and tender and shy am I?’. It doesn’t fly with me and frankly looks stupid. The dress is quite pleasant and a good colour on tanned old Bree. However, is it just me or do those shoes make her toes look splayed?

Christine Anu

Christine once asked us all ‘Why don’t you come join my party?’, well Christine, it’s because we’d all have to dress in revolting citrus colours and wear building site materials as shoes. Hope the party goes well though.

Delta

I’m a robot Delta, I am robot Delta. Can’t you just see it with this dress, pose and stance. I’m waiting for her to start shuffling forward and motioning a robotic fashion. Her dress completes the Star Trek structured look but at least she’s committed to the cause.

Deni Hines

Deni, really, I think it’s about time we sort out what exactly it is you do? Now, I don’t get Foxtel, so maybe you’re hosting some weird reality show called ‘My Mother’s More Famous than I Am’ and having awesome guests like Lauren Newton but I’m not sure so until then I’m not even sure you qualify for celebrity status and thereby fashion reviews don’t count.

Katie Noonan

I like bedspreads, I really do. I like what’s underneath them, I like bunching up under them and snuggling into them. I even like laying on top of them and staring absently out the window. I don’t really like wearing them though and furthermore, I do like doing my hair before leaving my bed.

Megan Gale

I would say all my usual stuff for Meggie G, fierce, awesome, hot and just plain envy worthy but my problem is, I do feel like I’ve seen this from Meggie before and maybe not just once. It’s all good to look like this, but don’t make it a permanent signature style that forever defines you.

Melissa Tkautz

ARIA Barbie really enjoyed her visit to the ARIA’s. She felt like all those around her, Nicole Kidman included that her plastic-ness fit right in. She was unhappy that her owner had mismatched shoes with dominatrix Barbie but she would smile, and shine as all Barbies should.

Missy Higgins

A real conundrum – do I like this, or do I hate this? Is this cool, assured, black jeans rock roll and too cool to care star turn? Or is this, trip to the shops, black jeans from last night at the pub, primary school bow tie shirt?

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Look I can’t say I’m Nat’ s greatest fan, I’m not even a small fan. But I appreciate her efforts and her multi tasking from acting and singing. I don’t appreciate her multi tasking colours here. I don’t appreciate the straight as can be hair do but often my appreciation levels run contrary to others, so you know what – I’ll let it slide. It’s okay.

Raen

Whence the Young Divas announced their split, there was much wailing and nashing of teeth. Who would provide such a joyous union of mismatched clothes? Raen (described by their website ‘With impressive vocal harmonies, electrifying moves, eye–catching looks [I'll say] and their own fresh fusion of pop, rock, dance & funk - huh?) have admirably stepped into the breach. The bastard child of Pussycat Dolls, Young Divas, and the new older, not wiser and far less clothed Spice Girls. Each girl brings a particular trash-tasticness to the proceedings but I especially appreciate the tiger print dress girl, who has paired the outfit with animal print shoes. Carrying a theme to its ungraceful end.

Sonia Kruger

There’s nothing worse than a pretender. I almost prefer someone to go down in a flaming heap at least trying something different and new. Nothing says I have no clue about being a rock star than satin jumpsuit and Sportsgirl Aviator sunglasses – really! Also, what’s all the fuss about Sonia, sure she can stand in front of a microphone and has a few funny quips but next to Grandpa Darryl Somers, anyone looks sassy and funny.

Tiffani Wood

Can I get an AMEN! Can I get HELL YEAH! Let’s all join together on this day and PRAISE JESUS AMEN! Tiffani Wood, take a bow, take a standing ovation, run a few laps of celebration because honey child you deserve it! Wearing a maxi-dress to perfection, you have accentuated your assets (and what fantastic assets they are!) and you’ve worked what your mamma gave you! Hot hair, hot accessories, hot make-up – just damn HOT. Quite possibly the best I’ve ever seen you! PRAISE THE LORD!

Brendan and Alex Fevola

Have stupid, will travel. For those who missed the Sunday papers, Brendan further enhanced his Bogan Courture Line 07 with a missing front tooth! Lovely. Alex, pays homage to Westie era 04 with her zebra hair. Brendan, Alex and the mistress Bingers all deserve each other.

Anna Coren

Anna’s got game! Looking every bit the Derby day black and white with flapper touch, Anna shines. Perfect accessories don’t ruin the intricate-ness of the dress and she absolutely has the Yoga-fied news journalism body to carry it off. Well done Anna and back to the studio. (Cheap jokes a plenty!)

Barbara Hawley & Paul Licuria

Babs and Paulie continue the footballing tradition of it’s all better left on the field. Paul looks to very much have booked a ticket on the early train to untidy-ville. Babs is sporting the must have weird headdress – the bathroom head band holder. The dress itself also doesn’t do anything for her, and also draws close inspection for its sheerness. Barbara, it’s the races honey, time for some covering up.

Dave and Holly Hughes

Very nice and pleasant and I feel like Holly may invite me over for cocktail cucumber sandwiches and tea in the drawing room. Not to say that’s a bad thing, but it just lacks a certain X factor to it. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but the shazaam is missing. And yes, I fully reserve the right to downgrade based on shazaam factor.

James Packer & Erica Baxter

As much as I don’t want to like this dress, I really, really, really do. I don’t like Erica in the dress, her tatty blonde hair and haphazard flower aren’t at all wise choices but that dress is so pretty and ladylike and I just want to touch it! Jamie looks good too, I feel like he’s lost a few kg’s. Maybe he saw those Speedo paparazzi photos from the wedding and called Weight Watchers.

Jennifer Hawkins

The J-Hawk. So lovely and so girl next door. And here she could quite literally be the pretty girl next door, popping over for the Christmas summer BBQ, that you’ve decided you might have in an effort to be more Nigella Lawson, and you buy three tealights and realises that decorating an entire patio is just way to expensive so you give up and buy cheap tinsel and hope no one notices. I may have drifted from the point, and the point being – the J-Hawk can and should do better.

Kate Ritchie

Sally Fletcher’s packing her bags and bongos and hightailing it out of Summer Bay – I wonder how that will affect Kate’s invitations next year to the Birdcage? Probably not much at all. Next year, she might want to match her hat and dress. While the cream hat is lovely, it would have looked better with a cream or brown dress. Her dress is a striking black and white number and it would have looked good with black or white hat. As Michael Jackson says, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. I think he meant the same for fashion.

Megan Gale

Meggie G, Meggie G and her ladies! Woo-zer! Okay, as a representative of ladies with ample ladies I stand up and say Meggie G – give the girls a break. Give the poor ladies a rest, they look incredibly, painfully squashed and everyone needs their lady friends in tip top condition. Also put them away, if only to avoid the unabated stares from all the fellas and even some curious ladies.

Melissa George

Melly George has always marched to her own drummer in the fashion stakes. Even when she was rebellious Angel Parrish on Home & Away, and even with her bed wear line An Angel at My Bedside – oh yes it existed. Here she demonstrates the fine lines between high fashion and silly-ness, I’m sure the Vogue-ettes will love it, I’m sure the normal people will be confused by it.

Michelle Walsh

If I were Michelle I’d hot foot it out of there ASAP. Because sooner or later someone’s going to realise that she’s stolen a centrepiece from the tables and be after her ass.

Rachel Hunter

Wow, if cheap had a dress range this dress would be scene stealing finale number. Hoping Rach didn’t pay too much for this little number because Target are doing a lovely version for about $24.95. If you were watching the telecast, I think Rach realised how underdressed she was at about 10.37am. Pretty entertaining viewing. PS Network Seven - this pissweak thing you called Fashion Extra at the end of the day, you spent have the show talking about some retired nutter's art collection! Put a reporter on Flemington Station at the end of the day and the show will make itself!

Michael Klim & Lindy Rama

While her husband can’t dance Lindy’s got pretty happy that he’s pretty snappy dresser. And while Micky’s doing well, Princess Lindy looks damn fine. That Posh But Better Bob or P Triple B, is awesome. I even love the catnapper gloves. Bravo snazzy people, bravo.

Vanessa Amorosi

With the comeback sliding off the rails, and the train almost about to derail, a good showing at the races really could have helped those tweenies fall under Ness’ charms. Instead she now appeals to all ABC TV watchers of The Convent. I would see Sister Margaret having serious problems with Ness’s arm decorations though.

So damn busy

2007-10-21T22:57:00.000+10:00

Well, no weekly update this week. I'm being very glam and living out of hotel rooms and working and stuff, so make you're own damn fun and I'll see you round for the ARIA's.

The Kids Are Alright...Well, Not Really

2007-10-14T13:56:00.000+10:00

A little self induced mini-break last week...also there wasn't anything to awesome or not, on the carpet.

Ajay Rochester

Look, I’ll tell you right now, it’s massive, massive improvement for Ajay. She of pants and ill advised top combinations. It’s a nice colour on her that really pops so excellent work there. And while the shoes don’t really match the dress, I’ll let it slide cause their cute. My only issue here is the ruffle-ly trim thing that doesn’t really seem to offer anything to the dress except badness. Avoid ruffle-ly trims Ajay and its smooth sailing.

Annalise Braakensiek – Part 1

Well that’s certainly one way to get your point across, both even! The dress in and of itself isn’t actually a bad thing, it really isn’t, its just left me with this yearning to run from behind the camera, yank the top of it and then pat her hair and say ‘there you go darling, no need to offer everyone a free show now is there,’ in a maternal nurturing way.

Annalise Braakensiek – Part 2

Much, much, much better. This is very contempo casual chic with a hint of sexy lady and I think it’s great. When I stupidly mismatch a short pant with a short top and feel a breeze across my stomach, I like to imagine I look like Annalise, sexy, fresh and cool. Sadly I don’t think what it really looks like.

Asha Kuerten

Welcome to the party Asha, you’re a little late but still you’re here. It’s the badly dressed, every trend rolled into one party and your our guest of honour. What with your cut off boots, pregnancy inducing dress – with belt! And inappropriate tuck roll over line. Please sit down and tell us what’s planned next of the agenda? Smocks and leggings?

Bree Amer and Brodie

Yes, before you say anything, I too worry about what will happy if these two reproduce. A super strain of bogan unlike anything since Brendan Fevola almost reproduced with Lara Bingle. All I can say for Brodie is: tool. Nothing more, nothing less. Bree, revolting colour on the bottom and the top of death to boobs.

Brian McFadden

You can kind of see why Brian had a beard and long hair last time we say him. Cause he looks kinda stupid underneath the scruff. While the top, vest, jeans combo is very typical male at the moment, those shoes are horrible. Unless he arrived by yacht, he really has no reason to be wearing boat shoes on the red carpet.

Charlotte Best

This is typical dressing above your age and confidence level. The dress is fine, actually very pretty but Charlotte is so insecure and so timid in it, that she’s ruining it. From the neck up she looks to be in a school photo and from the neck down she seems to be channelling someone else.

Dean Geyer

Speaking of channelling people, I think Dean Geyer has taken huge steps towards morphing into Cowboy from the Henderson Kids. The haircut, the bogan Aussie rock top, even the cowboy boots. Now all he needs is an infatuated Kylie Minogue and Tam and Steve Henderson, a nasty town developer and 1985 to roll around and he’s set.

Delta Goodrem

HOLY JESUS! Actually, this could be Delta’s tilt at a role in the acid trip 70’s version of Jesus Christ Superstar. Why, like seriously Delta if you are by some chance reading this, why? Why would you wear what mounts up to be a hyper-colour formal sack? You can’t seriously thinks that look good, can you?

Fiona Faulkner

Alright, I’ll admit it, I may have a slight dislike for one Miss F. While I was originally thrilled that she lost the weight and looked so good, she then proceeded to turn up to all envelope openings and clearly threw in the training program and just enjoyed life. That’s fine, but don’t go trashing the show because you’re too lazy to keep it up. Don’t be all, they deserted me…honey, it’s a reality TV show, what did you think was going to happen. Anyway, grudgingly I’ll admit she looks nice and summery here.

Jaime Wright

For all that is good in this world, can people stop dressing like tarts? Can they? Jaime this is trashy, plain and simple. It’s a half dress made up of off cuts from the floor and pasted together in the Devil’s sewing room.

Jana Pittman

Well Jana, that’s one way to go isn’t it. I’d prefer the other option of classy and elegant formal wear that gives me a fantastic silhouette and makes people think I’m fantastically stylish. But that’s me and clearly you’ve chosen the other path. Very brave of you.

Krystal

Well, I can’t say I’m shocked. It’s not like Armani would have been knocking on her door. In fact, I’m not even sure Portmans or Sportsgirl would knock on her door. From this, I think Glassons and Payless Shoes knocked on her door and she opened it welcomingly.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Okay Nat, we need to have words. You’ve got a big responsibility coming up, more important that world climate change and political campaigning. You are going to be the host of So You Think You Can Dance - Australian Edition, and let’s just say I happen to know a few people, myself included that are a little hesitant about you and your hosting abilities. So no pressure, but if you stuff it up, there will be trouble to pay.

Ricki Lee

While not stunning orange carpet stopping, this maybe, possibly makes me think that the Young Divas were to blame for Ricki Lee and her dressing. Maybe.

Tiffani Wood

Three beautiful steps forward and six inappropriate steps back. Tiff, honey Spring Racing isn’t for another month, and if this is your subliminal way of asking me what to wear to the Cup, this outfit, not so good.

Young Divas

Maybe the split was good for both parties. The new look Divas, must have hired a stylist and listened to half of what they said. Jess and Kate look quite nice actually, although Kate’s stance needs work. Paulini continues her efforts to be Australia’s Beyonce, through the good times and bad. And Emily is always the questionable one on the end.

Zac Efron

Once upon a time there was nice normal boy who was in some average WB TV shows like Summerland and so on. He then did some little Disney movie and become insanely popular and then he found foundation and possibly mascara and protein shakes and filmed the sequel and became even more popular and tweens (and possibly adults) swooned. He found more foundation and more attitude and then his girlfriend stripped and people saw and he’s trying to remake Footloose. The lesson of this story for Zac, the foundation is affecting your brain. Step away from the bronzer, the matte base and the Mystic spray tan. Also put down the GHD straightening irons.

You Can Paint With All the Colours of the Wind

2007-09-30T19:34:00.000+10:00

Anthony Callea

The inherent problem with being a baby faced boy wonder is that until you’re forty, and all those around you look haggered and old, you will always be trying to convince people you’re a man. Hence Anthony’s continued search for masculine, rough edge. The search should continue Ant’s because this comb over teamed with Like a Prayer rosary beads – not the most tough look.

Bianca Dye

I like Prison Break too Bianca, I’m a big fan of the show, and I am obe who thinks a certain Michael Schofield is the sexiest criminal going around these days. You know what Bianca, I don’t dress as a fan though, I don’t put my boobs in a prison. I certainly would never put my stomach a separate unequally unflattering prison.

Holly Brisley

While I can’t see the rest of the dress, I don’t think I really want to. The serviette from a 70’s wedding folded into the front, with an ill fitting bodice and chunky a lunky diamonds makes me want to not see the dress. Really, not see the rest of what could be a cast off from the Kath and Kim wardrobe.

Jessica Mauboy

Hopefully this is a sign that joining the Young Divas, Jessica will turn the tide of fashion horrible-ness. Maybe she will introduce Paulini to hourglass figure dresses. Maybe she help Emily realise that not everything in Spotlight is a dress. Maybe she help Kate…just help Kate. Here she shows how to sparkle without being a disco ball. While not a show stopper, it’s good ground laying work for a hard campaign ahead.

Kate Ritchie

Maybe it’s a good thing that Sally’s leaving the bay. Because she’s obviously quickly turning into Pippa – mum with the mumu. My only explanation for Kate’s choice, is that she dropped a pre arrival canapé on the planned outfit, and in an effort to make it on time, she had to duck across the road to 50% sale behind her and make do with Aunty Jean’s Thursday night Bingo top.

Laura Csortan

I don’t mind this outfit from Laura but it just leaves me feeling hungry for her. And a little yoga’d out. It’s verging into Madonna gym junkie territory, and I think Laura is far prettier when she’s not a pencil. See Logies 06, there was one hot lady.

Lizzy Lovette

Look Lizzy it’s fine, really it is, and sure it’s breast cancer benefit and pink is their signature colour but there comes a time, when you wonder if you’re simply morphing Elle Woods. And that’s what I always tend to feel about Lizzy, that’s she’s sixteen and dressing up for the Sorority. Go Kappa Gamma Girls!

Natalie Michaels

Against my better judgement, I actually really kinda like this. It’s a really nice colour on Nat, and she teamed her accessories and hair well, and whilst the shoes aren’t really part of what I would consider fantastic – the rest of the outfit counterbalances and I say bravo Nat.

Sam Brett

Wouldn’t it be nice if the end of the red carpet in this picture was a metaphoric and Sam Brett’s time was coming to an end. Sam’s choice in dress is severely questionable. The burnt orange isn’t doing her fake and bake tan any favours and the wrap up neck, it’s not really helping with an elongating face shape.

Sami Lukas

Cute Sami, cute and fresh and spring-y without being over the top. The subdued sandals let the dress do the talking and Sami is confident and perfect and spot on.

Sarah Murdoch

Good God, it must be so hard in the morning! My love for Sarah grows all the time and here she looks confident and classy and elegant and powerful and sexy and just overall good. Damn that O’Hare girl, damn her!

There's a Slit Over Here and Some Cleavage Over There

2007-09-25T17:45:00.000+10:00

A lot of people said to me before the Brownlow, aren’t you worried that people are going to be classy this year? Well, let’s just say after watching with a close eye last night – HELL NO!

Alyce Oksuz

I see what she’s attempting to do here, but why the applique sections? It’s like Halle Berry got stage fright at the last minute and decided some crochet sections would tone it all down. The dress as a plain gold would have bee fine.

Anna Lodge

See, people have incredibly bizarre fashion taste, because I thought in a sea of flash’n’trash, this was dignified and classy and elegant and very lady like, whilst certain commentators said this was sheet-like. WHATEVER! Anna is certainly skinny enough to carry it off and avoids sacktown, and considering what else was out there, this is one of my favs for the evening.

Bree Hately

Won’t her mother be proud! Firstly, Bree I understand all WAG’s (wives and girlfriends for those under rocks) now envy Rebecca Twigley’s dress and call it the show-stopper and basically want that type of attention but here’s the thing. The dress was pretty slutty – it was slit from front to back and side. And half the reason it received the coverage it did, is because sports journalists are often comprised of gorilla-men – how else do you explain The Footy Show and Sam Newman? And not to be nasty, but your dress is pretty slutty too, and doesn’t do you any favours. So if you’re goal was to be Rebecca Twigley, then mission accomplished; if however, elegance and class where the goals, then maybe a team meeting is required.

Brooke Robertson

YEE-HAW! I real excited to be tonight! I’m performing some of my best country tunes including Some Dogs Come Back, My Truck Ain’t Broke and Tie Up My Corset. Sure hope, my hair don’t get in the way y’all. Still, I’ll be sure to have a rockin’ good time and remember to take my pick up truck home!

Carla Maguire

While the instincts were right, the execution pains me. Carla, oh how I normal love what you do but the dress isn’t doing your hips any favours at all – in fact, the hips should get a big I Owe You from the dress because they took the brunt of it’s badness.

Catherine Chappell

Classy, elegant and just a smidge boring. I think the dress and hair combined give me an overall School Captain Awards night feel, with Catherine accepting Dux and her place at Melbourne University in BioMedical Science while in the summer holidays volunteering on a trip to East Timor. While I’m sure that’s admirable, it’s not completely fashionable.

Chantelle Delaney

Holy Mumma Jugs! Seriously, if the drought continues on the way it does and diary cows start going belly up, Chantelle could cover Victoria with the milk storage in her lady friends. What’s actually sad is she seems to have deliberately pulled the dress down, because as you’ll note the boob area isn’t placed securely in the dress designated boob area. Sad, really sad.

Felicity Percival

Flicka does the Sydney girls proud! Yes, she is very much at an advantage working for the magazines but still, it’s a sophisticated yet sexy number and it completely works her best assets without revealing her entire body to all and sundry. If only others would follow suit.

Jodie Henry

Completely boring and completely bridesmaid, Jodie ‘I’m Not a Home Wrecker’ Henry, dazzles no one with this ensemble. Pale pink is for weddings or 12 year old girls, not young sporting starlets. And yes, Jodes – a watch is practical but looks damn awful.

Kaiti Williams

I would place a bet that about three months ago silicon was a rare commodity in Melbourne. Kaiti having depleted the reserves of all plastic surgeons, proudly displays her purchases. Every footballer in the room would have loved this dress, every women in room would have laughed at this dress. Inflatable breast pump is sold separately.

Kylie Adams

Clearly flashing your business and showing as much skin as possible has become a fashion must for Brownlow attendees. God only knows why! Sure, Kylie you have a nice body, sure you could all let us know what a grab job you’re waxer is doing but next year, dare to be different, throw caution to the wind and come in a nun’s habit!

Lauren Kirkman

Lauren continues the parade of unflattering bridesmaid’s dresses we saw last night. As Rachel Griffiths will also tell you, half up half down hemline is a complete and utter failure. Also the side head tilt and matching hairstyle is questionable? Was that French Roll that heavy, your head was dragged sideways.

Lyndall Degenhardt

I feel bad about Lyndall in one respect because she is, at least covering up and she should be rewarded for that, however, during the stupid red carpet coverage last night, she mentioned that the corset wasn’t that tight and was okay to breathe in. You know why Lyndall, because it’s not done up properly! A real, quality corset that gives you the hour glass figure, should make it barely impossible to breathe. You should be like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge and cracking ribs because it’s so tight.

Mrs Laidley

Here’s the thing Mrs Laidley. I know the Kangaroos lost by a big fat bundle last weekend. And yes, it was probably pretty embarrassing and I bet Dean was a real grump to live with for a few days and spent most of the time huffing and mopping about – still cut outs dressing is no way to fight off the blues. And your mammaries protest the punishment.

Olivia Anderson

Olivia is up there with Bianca Dye for having little to no sense in how to dress for her body type. Last year, I was very happy to cut the new mum a break as she’d just had bubs, but this year, there is no excuse for panelling in your trouble spots. No excuse at all.

Rachel McLeod

Considering last’s years branding of numbers dress (yes, she was that one) this can only be an improvement. But what’s the pattern all about – flowers and tiger print and a purple snake? If there’s a story, sure I’d love to hear it but even then stories are for books and not dress prints.

Random Girl 1

Wow, talk about badly, badly misjudge a good dress. Poor little lass got all excited about her shot at the big time and just overboard on everything: fake tan, ruffles, cleavage, length and who knows what else? The only thing that seems small is the odd fitting and badly constructed triangles meant to hold her cleavage.

Random Girl 2

I don’t understand; I really, really don’t get it. Did she just think, crap this dress is missing something? Quick honey, pass me the Sorbent Thicker For Sure Six Pack Toilet Paper, I’ve got a brilliant idea. Is she planning to toilet paper some one’s room later and this was the only way to hide it? Worried the stocks at Crown would run low?

Random Girl 3

Clearly there was an accident at Random Girl 3’s house with a blender and her dress. Never fear though, she made do with her economy size garbage bag, some scissors, UHU Glu stick and a bit of spunk. Either that or it’s a passive aggress attempt to remind her hubbie to take bins out.

Random Girl 4

Holy Jesus! Pleats are never any one’s friend. In fact, in the history of things, they’d be up there with locusts, cane toads and droughts in usefulness strakes. Yet every year some poor girl embraces the pleat and suffers the consequences. What’s extra special is the pleat itself is topped off by a wheat germ vomit green. Now that’s a whole other level!

Random Girl 5

See this is what happens when very well meaning mothers offer to make their daughters dress, because then they will have something completely unique on the red carpet. Sure Random Girl, it’s unique, but the it’s made out of faux pearl necklace at the back – if that isn’t an invitation for some gutter minded footballer to say dirty things then I don’t know what is.

Random Girl 8 (left) & 9

These ladies are also known as the Henchmen of the Silk Apocalypse. Leftie needs to firstly, stand up the straight and possible consider that cheesecake lemon was never going to be a crowd pleaser. And Right – man, you need to delete all your friend’s phone numbers. If anyone of them saw you before you left and said ‘you look great, have a good time,’ they were flat out lying through their teeth, or blind.

Random Girl 10

See here’s the thing, I was to applaud her for bravery and fashion forwardness because it’s not silk or taffeta and it’s not plunging necklines and tarty leg slits. However, she’s gone and ruined the whole thing by wearing a black under-sheath and having a hairstyle eerily similar to a bird’s nest. Also, she has a strong resemblances to Cat Deeley and that’s even more annoying – but not really her fault.

Rebecca Twigley

As I said before, everyone raves about Twiggers and how amazing she was and is. Well, let’s be honest kids, the red dress from a few years back wasn’t that great! And I haven’t seen anything that I’ve loved from her. The dress actually photographs badly, it looked much nicer on camera but here it’s another boring tulle/corset combo with Twiggers and Judd exhibiting about as much chemistry as a rock and another rock.

Rhiannon Whitnall

Okay, when you run out of organza and the dress isn’t finished, people will notice if you try and fudge. We’ll spot that a mile off, so nice try but back to the sewing machine. Also, I think Rhiannon, you need to step away from the curling irons – just put them down and back away.

Susie McLean

Okay Sus, sorry but Liz Hurley came and went and did this over ten years ago. And it was much less Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation goes formal and far more sexy, risqué (considering Hugh Grant’s hair then, she had to do something). So take your slit, and stripped hair and tanned to the max self home and find a new trend to cheaply mimic.

1.30am and still no photos

2007-09-25T12:29:00.000+10:00

Yes, that's right people, I stayed up until 1.30 and awaited Getty's Brownlow contribution and then checked again at 6am and still nothing, nadda, zip. It's like they don't think sequins and thigh-high splits are important!

Never fear, I've got off campus for pics and I will be updating later today - trust me you'll want to see it, there are plenty of trash-tastic dress to celebrate!

Trashy Excitement Buidling

2007-09-24T08:53:00.000+10:00

Yes, you may have arrived looking for you Monday morning fix. However, today should be marked on your calendar in gold, glitter sparkles and with a slash up the leg. It's Brownlow Night tonight and next to the Logies, it's my favourite night of the year. So try again tomorrow morning, and you'll have coverage of all the dresses, ladies and gents and whnt's sure to be an entertaining red carpet!

A Holiday and Emmy Fun

2007-09-18T18:28:00.000+10:00

Check Your Mailbox: Check your own damn mailbox, I've been on holidays.

Amy Pearson

A grand, grand improvement on her Dolly Awards appearance, Amy looks surprisingly good in yellow. Still, the belt – while it serves a purpose, I just don’t understand why the dress itself couldn’t have been sewn that way. Why a big ugly belt, when a needle and thread and few extra minutes in the design studio would do?

Asha Kuerten

Appropriately green at the Miss Earth Awards, Asha is, let’s face it, a very pretty girl. However, she seems to be unaware of her body’s best assets and how to accentuate them. This dress would be far more suited to a bustier lady but instead on Asha, it makes her look incredibly flat chest-ed and also quite wide hipped.

Elka Graham

Wow! And not good wow! Like, weird Ellen Pompeo (more on that later) but seriously – I really want to feed poor Elka something, or she runs the risk of being confused with a xylophone. The dress itself is okay, a little beachy but still fine. I’m just of the opinion, that while women come in all shapes and sizes – 2B Pencil’s aren’t some of the shapes we’d like to see.

Kim Ellery

I don’t know what Kim Ellery does, I don’t know who Kim Ellery is. All I know is she successfully passed the Op Shop challenge. Dressing for under $10 is easy that’s for sure. Just don’t expect to look stylish, presentable or sane.

Rachel Hunter

There seems to be a misunderstanding that peasant dresses are cool, fashionable items that make you like exotic and summery. I have to ask, no offence to the peasants out there but would you really want to wear an outfit from a community of ‘small farm labourers of low social rank’?

Saskia Burmeister

Oh Saskia, I want to have your skin, your glowing smile and cute lovely dimples. I can’t really see your silvery tin foil dress. Could be bad, could be good, but I just like to look at your normal, beautiful fresh faced face! I’d be very temped to buy any makeup and/or skin product Saskia happened to be selling.

Tiffani Wood

HURRAY! Start blowing up the balloons, start unravelling the streamers, start flowing the confetti. Tiffani looks good, and I’d even venture into fine!! Sure there’s cleavage, but mamma’s breasfeeding and might as well use what you’ve got. And she does the fashion maths and covers up below. The black is flattering and the hair and makeup. Oh Tiff, together we can conquer worlds and worlds of red carpets.

Emmy’s Special

I love me some Awards shows, like a pathological love of them. So, while we stick to the Aussies around here normally, every major award show we delve into the overseas starlets.

Ten Best

1. America Ferrara

While for some reason Today Tonight was reporting that people didn’t like this dress, I’d ask for written essays or powerpoint because I think she looks FAB. Classy, elegant and not showing her hoochie, shaving her head or in rehab! (okay, the belt’s not my fav).

2. Ali Larter

While it slightly borders on sack, still Ali’s tall enough to rock it.

3. Ana Ortiz

The crazy wacky sister on Ugly Betty, looks glamorous, stylish and very not Ugly Betty. She’s not denying her hips, or her breasts, she is completely accentuating her woman-ness and boy does she look good doing it.

4. Eva Longoria

Sure, Eva seems to be have been born in sparkles and loves to work it. But she does look good, and knows what works for her and that’s half the damn battle!

5. Jane Krakowski

The kooky little secretary from Ally McBeal (remember that show!) looks lovely. With white being the colour of the night, she looks one of the best of the best. And even more so, the belt actually for me, kinda works! (I know, the locusts are almost upon us).

6. Katherine Heigl

Another white classic, Katherine looks beautiful and classy and actually quite sewn into that dress. And I think it’s an ironic reference to her role on a hospital show! Also, it makes me happy for the new season of Grey’s.

7. Lisa Eldenstein

Very nice Lisa, very nice. Daring and sexy and still not thrusting her boobs out for the world! You go Good Doctor, you go get some!

8. Sarah Chalke

While, it’s different and unusual and yes, has ruffles. I think Sarah totally wears this dress. She looks lovely, and fresh and has taken a little daring and driven it a long way.

9. Ellen & Portia

Lovely gad pride aside, Portia does look great. And healthy and happy and Ellen clearly adores her and I say fantastic work to all of you and to each of your own. I do actually think her dress is beautiful and unique.

10. No one else really grabbed my fancy. In fact, there wasn't a dress that I adored, covetted or would sell family members to have. A little disappointing, I must say.

Ten Worst

1. Debra Messing

Debra has been hailed for her fashion choices for years, and you know what, I’ve never, NEVER got it. Sure sometimes she looks better than most but times, as in tonight, it’s boring and blah and I really don’t care.

2. Elizabeth Perkins

Liz apparently thought she was off to a Sunday BBQ and then realized that actually no, while the maxi dress was definitely in, it wasn’t red carpet in. She fumbled hurriedly in her pocket for her car keys, hoping for a salvation that wouldn’t come.

3. Ellen Pompeo

Hairspray looks to be a good film, funny, fluffy and pretty people, singing pretty songs. It isn’t however a new way to start living your life. Ellen, it’s always an idea to check your hairstylists previous credentials.

4. Hayden Panettiere

Being a new famous person must be hard, all your old friends suddenly remembering your number and want to go to the hot shows. Still, Hayden try and resist the pressure. Don’t bend and try and sneak them into the Emmy’s in giant tent dress. People will catch on!

5. Jaime Pressly

WOW- when you have a nice figure and could chose hundreds of beautiful dresses, why would you choose something that makes your ass look huge and your books look saggy!

6. Joely Fisher

I talk a lot of about fashion maths, about giving and taking. Joely has given us everything and then some. Clearly she didn’t get my memo about slutty hemlines and droopy boob cleavage.

7. Kathryn Morris

Someone recently revealed the fact to me there can be such a thing as a cheap red. While Kathryn kindly has showed me cheap red. Along with it’s extra-cheap and tacky red ribbon!

8. Mary-Louise Parker

What starts as a completely normal corseted dress ends in a weird, weight adding dust ruffle. Why you’d ever want to start a hemline at the mid-knee and think that things would be okay, baffles with me and I’m sure many others.

9. Sara Ramirez

Oh Sara! You are normally my light shining brightly, wearing clothes that are beautiful and figure flattering. And you shown up with a peep hole! A peep hole for Christ sake! And then your poor ladies look very squashed and plumped. No, no, no.

10. Tori Spelling

Oh Tori Spelling, or for those who are purveyors of fine television: Donna Martin. Although if you look at Donna’s troubled history you can kind of excuse this dressing: Donna was a shy teen who was pressured by her younger, dorky boyfriend David to have sex, she hold off - he cheated but she forgave him. She got drunk at the Prom and was almost expelled but a march to protest saved her. David pressured her for a third time but just before, they were interrupted and then David turned to Crystal Meth and Donna helped him but then he cheated again and it was over. Donna met a musician who managed to respect her virginity and even wrote a song about it, but he became a bit of a hitter and pushed her down some stairs. In between some dude tried to rape her but David came to the rescue. She ditched the hitter and started with a new dude, but he was ditched to reunite with David, who was then diagnosed as manic depressive. She finally graduated and had sex with David. All the same type of stuff happened in the College years and it ended up with them getting married.

So you can kind of understand why she dresses like she does, can’t you?

The Cracked Teen Dream

2007-09-09T15:12:00.000+10:00

Check Your Mailbox: December Boys premiere - Sydney (some kid that has something to do with Larry Notter - I think); Peter Andre and Jordan's 2nd Wedding Anniversary - Worldwide (what to get?); Miss Earth Finals - Sydney (will be held by candlelight to perserve the environment); Brainwave Ball - Sydney (nothing's an event until charity is involved); The Emmy Awards - LA (I'm not nominated this year).

Abi Tucker

It seems that as soon as you become as cast member of McLeod’s Daughters, you must check your fashion instincts at the door. For a pretty girl, how Abi felt gumboots (well they look like gumboots okay?), and dress/shirt/dress thingie, was the best way to showcase her beauty, I’ll need a 500 word essay to understand.

Ajay Rochester

Ajay has quite possibly the worse sense of dressing for her own body. Unless it’s Russian National Day of Something, there’s no reason for Ajay to be were cassock pants under her dress. The kids on the red carpet aren’t pleased and neither Ajay, am I.

Amy Pearson

Bubble dresses I feel are going to the death of me this season. Because in all fact on 4% of the world’s ladies look any good in them, and half of that 4% is Charlize Theron, and them are some pretty big shoes to fill. Amy doesn’t even get close. The pretty pattern dress is ruined by the Bananarama hemline. Also Amy, half the kids behind the barricades could have purchased this outfit themselves, and that’s not red carpet dressing.

Big Brother-ites

I was beginning to wonder where these kids were? Firstly on the left Bree Amer, unless you’re pregnant, you need to fire your stylist – if you are, I’d like an OK! in-depth interview please. Billy, completely expected. Bodie, massive improvement with the terrible hair gone, but still I remember you as a twat and a nice t-shirt and leather jacket won’t change that. Zoran, my Aussie Colin Farrell look-like. Alisha, for a hairdresser that’s some seriously average hair and I’m not even commenting on that dress. And Emma, Queen Bee and cleavage lover, you are as expected. A blonde Barbie D-grader with red carpet aspirations above you celebrity grade.

Bianca Dye

In a way, Bianca is worse than Tiffani Wood with her dressing. Tiff at least seems to have with fun her dressing (often at her own expense) but Bianca seems to hate her body and goes out of her way to punish it with bad outfits. This is very Milly, Molly Mandy and doesn’t absolutely nothing, NOTHING for Bianca. It does offer her for a leading role in any new Amish plays that are currently casting.

Camilla Franks

I can’t quite believe I’m going to say this; maybe it’s the sunshine out my window and the summery feel but Cami looks good. And you know why I’m saying this, because there’s a pool behind her and the sun is out and this is a very appropriate outfit for her clothing line. It completely suits the location – just don’t leave, don’t try and go shopping in this, or red-carpetting, just stay by the pool.

Rhys Wakefield & Charlotte Best

I get Rhys is the new style of metrosexual funky teenager who is so more fashion conscious than I ever want to be, but there comes a point when it’s too far. When you’re just channelling Joey Dee from Young Talent Time and you’re also clashing terrible with your date. (PS was the carpet uncomfortable with ex Indiana there?)

Delta

See Delt’s, I see what you’re doing, I really do. I love you for trying, you definitely have the body for it. But in the end, it’s just a bit weird and funny this outfit. And I really can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but something’s not right. However, hair and make-up are sublime!

Indiana Evans

Indy’s another one of these young starlets who has the perfect arsenal of hair, looks and body but has absolutely no real fashion sense. This dress really does her no favours. It’s actually very shower curtain-esque, and you have to ask yourself, if that’s what you’d want to look like. Probably not.

Jennifer Hawkins

This was the J-Hawk that was missing in action in the Sydney showdowns. The sparkle in the eye, the purposefully strut, the fantastic clothes, the untouchable girl next door feel, that no matter how hard any of us try, we will never, ever be able to emulate. Maybe Jen’s really pacing herself for Spring.

Kate Smith

There was a seriously disappointing lack of Dally M photos but I searched for what I could, and Kate didn’t disappoint. In what has to be a recycled formal dress for the mid to late 90’s, Kate hits every wrong mark for an adult red carpet debut. Pink – no, bustier strapless – no, flow-y chiffon pieces – no, streaky, nasty blonde hair – no. Good luck for next year Kate.

Michala Banas

The McLeod’s Daughter disease continues to wreak havoc on Sydney red carpets. Michala in a bird inspired sack and booties looks desperate to find the bathroom – hopefully to change her outfit!

Michelle Bridges

To be awfully rude, but if this were the Australian Porn 07 Awards, I wouldn’t bat an eye lid. However, than much leopard print and cleavage and eye liner found its way to teen awards – Michelle, the littlies are watching this one – please cover up and ease off the mascara.

Natalie Blair

Just as I was about to love her, Natalie doesn’t take steps backward. She turns around and practically sprints to bad taste dressing. The dress in and of itself, isn’t too bad, but the damn red clip belt and stupid, stupid boots are completely tarnishing the look.

Nikki Blonsky

Now, let’s just put it out there straight away. I don’t think Nikki is overweight. She seems to the be size she’s supposed to be and her body suits as opposed to equally sized Casey Donovan. This green number is the Melbourne premiere outfit and it’s great. Classy, suits her very well and doesn’t make her look bad.

However this gold number is a different story. It does nothing for her shape, making her seem very boxy and not showing off her legs in the most flattering way.

Ricki-Lee

Its official, the Young Divas are not to blame for Ricki-Lee’s terrible fashion choices. It’s all the Ric-ster. And what’s terrible, is that Ricki is pretty girl, with a healthy body and could, with the right outfit, look damn FIERCE. However, here she seems to be the missing piece of puzzle. And not a good puzzle.

Roxanne Lebrasse

This summer is all about the maxi dress. But what’s the rule people, short people stay away. I know you want to and it seems like an easy look, but let Roxanne be the example of why shorties and maxis don’t mix. Also Roxy, the dust ruffle/valance as a hemline is the worst look ever – I mean, unless you’re auditioning for a bedsheet.

Tali Shine

Sometimes, it’s bad all over. From top to toe it’s bad. But sometimes it’s the small details that completely trip you up. Firstly Tali’s shoes – are they not the most painful looking things ever? I’m really concerned for her toes! Secondly, sun glasses on a carpet! Unless you’re Bono, never gonna happen.

Terry Biviano

Terry on the same day and two separate events. Before you ask, one was at night and was during the day. They were not in the same place. Meaning she a) had time to change clothes, b) why didn’t she change clothes c) seriously, Terri why didn’t you change? d) all of the above.

The Veronicas

Firstly, Max Factor has called ladies and asked if you could let them know when the next red carpet event is so they could prepare their eyeliner stock levels appropriately. And yes I know that you’re rock stars, but there’s a difference between Shirley Manson Garbage attitude rock stars and orange hair, tatt’s on the calf, denim dresses and Everything I’m Not soft pop rock.

Thomas and Susannah – Big Brother-ites

I always get kind of excited when ex-housemates pair up. It’s got New Idea ‘House Bound: How True Love Found Me in a the Diary Room’ kind of story. And here Thomas and Susannah have exceeded expectations by the basically remaining themselves. He still has that wanky blonde tipped hair and is really tall. She is very pretty and seems to dress well.

Tiffani Wood

CHRIST ALMIGHTY! Are you naked under that? Really, you want to head down that road? The shoes are horribly terrible (excellent writing there), they cut your legs off and make you look leg chunky. And that top/skirt flouncy thing isn’t doing you any favours!! Instead of celebrating your womanly curves with a hourglass shape, you’ve decided to block your waist. Excuse me while I cry myself, dreaming of a day when Tiff-ster will rock a red carpet. It’s going to happen people, I have a dream!

Vanessa Hudgens

Pre-naked photo scandal (who and how exactly were these leaked – thinking caps on people), Vanessa looked like the teen dream she is/was – sexy little dress but not revealing, great hair and makeup and general red (or yellow) carpet quality, we don’t often seen round these parts from one so young.

Zac Efron

A statement must be first made – I kinda love High School Musical, and I’ve already seen 2, and hello, just as good. Any movie where people sporadically break into song with choreographed routines and a chaste teen romance brews is my kind of movie. And most disturbing about my High School Musical fan-ness, is that yes, I have a soft place in my heart for Mr Efron. However soft place doesn’t restrict me from reporting that my on the ground spies mentioned use of make-up on Mr Efron and quite a bit of foundation to boot. Now Zaccy boy, I realise these are tough times and all, what with your Vanessa, having a little photo shoot leak out, but just hear me out. Maybe lay off the Clearasil tinted moisturiser, and also the Stila Bronzer also.

Melbourne Spring Fashion Festival

Totally love the t-shirt, although I question the model knowing who those two people are. I’d like quiz on the triangle of Kelly, Brenda and Dylan submitted on my desk – making note to include Valentine’s Day Blood donation, the Spring Dance Night and resulting pregnancy scare and THE episode ‘I’m choosing Kelly Taylor’ episode.

With a pair on Bonds leggings and hoodie and some gaffer tape, Sarah knew her dreams of a fashion designer weren’t far off coming true.

Selina’s efforts to get free Foxtel took on a whole new level.

Betsy hoped no one had noticed how nervous she’d been backstage when she soiled herself.

And they said I couldn’t create a racing hat with just this role of roil and a highlighter! That will teach ‘em. I do wonder how I will get my dress on though?

Revealing and sexy aren't the same thing

2007-09-02T23:13:00.000+10:00

Check Your Mailbox: APEC - Sydney (small gathering, not a big deal, no fuss being made); SMH Good Food Guide Awards - Sydney (wonder who is catering?); Rugby's Dally Medal - Sydney (joy, oh joy! Sydney's Brownlow!); Hairspray Movie Premiere - Sydney & Melbourne (I'm a little excited about Zac Efron being in town); Dolly's Teen Choice Awards - Sydney (Wanna bet Zac Efron's going to win something?); Flemington Spring Fashion Lunch - Melbourne (BYO Tissues)

Camilla Franks

You know it’s the first day of spring, and the birds are chirping and flowers are blooming and in absolutely no way shape or form did Camilla Frank’s boobs factor into my wants and desires to spring. In her what must be overflowing wardrobe of caftans, Camilla doesn’t seem to own, not one camisole? Not a bra of some sort? Clearly not. But your doctor called and thanks to this outfit, this month’s mammogram can be rescheduled.

Camilla Freeman

I don’t know if her long lustrous hair is totally distracting me from the actually clothing but again, Cammie looks good. Sure, her seamstress could have taken a few inches of the bottom and I’d love to see her stand apart from Mark, if only to see that lovely dark hair.

Delta Goodrem (or just Delta)

Oh dear LORD! Delta, seriously, I know it’s all about your hot new look, which is really an extra layer of foundation and thicker eye liner, but you can’t be girl next door fashion and then attempt to be Mary Kate Olsen. You either believe in high fashion or you don’t. You don’t market test your adult look and then overreach. Coz now you just look like Plucka Duck’s black fluffy cousin and not edgy runway fashion.

Elka Graham

If Elka’s attending the opening of Bed Bath & Table then she made the right choice. It’s very inspiring to wear their latest bedroom linens – definitely a new way to advertiser their products. However, if this were a fashion, movie, CD or product release not associated with toiletries then, man wrong choice.

Elle Macpherson

Elle, you still bring it. Its a little Liz Hurley meets ARIA Kylie Minogue but the confidence, the Bermuda perma-tan and hair all counterbalance.

Gail Sorronda

Too much. It’s all too much, the dress is too long, the flower is too big, and the hair is too much. Gail, you either have a print, print dress or not. Commitment.

Jaime Wright

New Kids on the Block sang it, step by step – oh baby and Jaime and I, we’re living it. Happily, we’re moving away from the trashy Supre dressing, and heading towards to class. Sadly, belt-itis has struck again. The dress was fine, was completely nice and lovely and good, and then this thin unmatched belt gets thrown into the mix! BOO. PS Love, love, love the fringe.

Jodhi Meares

Holy JESUS! Jodhi, whoever you’re sleeping with, whoever is your stylist, whoever is doing your hair, whoever is doing your makeup – HIRE and KEEP every single one of them. Give them a raise even, because man alive, you look DAMN GOOD! DAMN GOOD!

Kerri-Anne Kennerly

I know, it’s absolutely shocking, Kezza in sparkles! In reflective bright sassy colours. It’s like I’m on permanent holiday – like I live on the Gold Coast. Wouldn’t that be fun!!

Kate Mulvany

Okay, let me be the first to say that everyone has problem areas. Everyone! Me, my stomach, third month pregnancy! Who Weekly covers ‘Is She Pregnant?’ if I was celebrity. Still, I try and dress around that. Kate, you may be aware of your thick ankles. Maybe you’re not. Either way, this dress only serves to act as giant highlight in pink on that area and all I’ve left with is an awful word in my head – cankles.

Michelle Langsdon

As a bridesmaid, she’s taking attention away from the bride with her red shoes. Otherwise, besides her hot sexy shoes – BORING! Blah! Snooze.

Raelee Hill

Why is this week inappropriate revealing clothing for people who shouldn’t be revealing things week? Raelee joins Cammie Frank in flying the flag of supposed sexy dressing. It is kind of what I imagine David Jones might chose as a staff uniform – if they were running a strip club.

Roxanne Lebrasse

Oh Roxie, Roxie, I once quite loved your Moxie. However, you do maybe want to purchase a mirror. A mirror that tells you that short shorts and spaghetti straps aren’t the best look for you. Neither is large belts across your belly or shiny reflective fabrics.

Virginia Gay

Ginnie, darling – do you know what GHD means? Have you hair of that phrase before? Cause the 80’s half perm, half straight do, isn’t doing you any favour. After that masterclass, call me and we can send you Masterclass Two: Belts Often Harm Opposed to Hinder.

Everyone is tired and stayed home

2007-08-26T14:30:00.000+10:00

Check Your Mailbox: Harper's Bazaar Project Pink - Sydney (Size 12's aren't invited); Danish Embassy Gala Night - Sydney (how do you say is there another Prince who is single in Danish?); 30 Days of Fashion & Beauty - Sydney (the ACP fashion fight for September begins); Australian Writers Guild Awards - Sydney (with my spelling and grammar I'm a shue in for best blog!); Colour My Life - Sydney (raising money for CanTeen, good people).

Bianca Dye

I’m beginning to worry about Bianca’s self esteem. Is she actually purposefully sabotaging her own outfits because she doesn’t feel worthy enough to look good? Bianca, I think you need to love yourself a little more, or at least enough to realise that potato sacks aren’t dresses and wishing won’t make it so.

Jason Dundas

I know skinny leg jeans on boys are all the rage right now and any boy worth his metrosexual salt is slipping into a pair. However, my problem with this is, I struggle enough squeezing into my jeans, and I don’t want my partner jumping around the bedroom, doing the same bend and stretch manoeuvres to get into his jeans. Next thing we will have to share hair straighteners.

Jo Stanley

There’s that lovely phrase, ‘a face for radio.’ And sure John Laws, is captain of that team, but the latest crop of radio presenters have the looks and the voice. Why Jo does her best to dress down and dowdy, so that she and Bianca Dye are having a dowdy off, is beyond me. And sure, the mullet hairdo is cool, but Jo, I HATE it! HATE IT!

Marc and Camilla Freeman

You know Marc, if you don’t want to be in the picture, just say so, okay? Nobody will care, but this pissed as hell shot doesn’t befit anyone. Meanwhile Camilla, is doing her best impersonation of an Allen’s Lifesaver, but still oddly making it work! It’s truly bizarre. It’s really not a great dress, but the simple hair and makeup, she some how makes it look cool??? Weird, huh?

Sharon Millerchip & Marina Prior

You can so tell in this picture, that Sharon is just busting to get away from Marina, just itching to break free from the clashing fabrics and colours that Marina showed up in. Seriously Marina, you really thought the red lacy thing matched the rest of the outfit? Honestly, you can’t have, otherwise maybe get your eyes checked, you could be colour blind.

Natalie Gruzlewski

Yeah sure, she’s pretty and nice figure but this outfit is very blah and shows no fashion inclination except what’s in pages of Cleo and what you’ve been told is cool. Also, God help me Nat, but please, please cut that damn hair. It looks so unhealthy and ratty at the ends. I just want to get a whipper snipper and have at it.

Sarah Murdoch

She’s a classy little minx that Sarah. Here, she’s co-launching her parenting book and boy, don’t you immediately trust her. Funky, youthful and fresh yet appealing to the younger mum market and respectable all at the same time. Fashion’s a skill and Sarah excels. A little down point for the black shoes – don’t quite hit the mark.

Stephanie McIntosh

And the Stephanie dance continues, one step forward, two steps back. Hair and makeup and shoes are good, keep that up Steph, but the pattern dress! Come on, I know you told Herald Sun that you’ve lost a few kilos and that’s great, good work, but it may be a tad early to jump into the print dress. Especially that print, which is like those psychology cards – tell me what you see? A bunny killing it’s mother, is that wrong?