The Harsh Light of Day

Alex Fevola

Like any good bogan dress, unexplainable parts must be removed and serve no purposes but to be completely unflattering. Bogan dressers must also have two tone hair colours and cleavage encrusted jewels. Tick Alex, bogan tick.

Amy Pollard

Oh Amy, god lord no! This is some x-rated ice dancing dress of shame. Why would a jewel encrusted boob ever, EVER be fashionable?

Symone Demetriou

Sure, Symone looks very respectable but I’ll never ever understand the one shoulder dress. Did the designer simply run out of fabric? Just run out of time? Just give up? Either way, it completely looks unfinished.

Andrew Walsh’s Date

Wow, Date Walsh, that’s a pretty impressive Melanie Griffith 80’s hairdo impersonation. But you missed Idol’s 80’s night by an hour and now you look questionable to say the least. Your dress however could be lovely, but I can’t tell, the hair distracts me.

Anna Green

Again, I can’t see the entire dress but it seems to be a beautiful colour, and a nice classy fit and she looks elegant and seems to have resisted the urge to tear unnecessary parts of the dress away.

Shayne McClintock

By far and away this is the best dress of the night and by best I mean absolutely worst. Like, hands down, trash-tastic! As commented in my house, it looks like Shayne actually has a pot – and that’s even worse than being possibly pregnant. And the muffin top is horrendous.

The back of the dress just gets even better – it’s like Spiderman’s costume and its formal wear – how horribly bogan is that – this is what the Brownlow is all about people. I’ve just found my wedding dress, stand clear!

Rebecca Twigley

Okay, I’ll admit. I’ve never been Twiggers biggest fan. Her ‘famous’ dress was slapper town and encouraged girls for years to reveal more than their GP had seen – see above Shayne. But here, we get the right amount of football flash, Melbourne fashion and event formal wear. It’s good, I’ll give her that. But it will take many more years for me to forgive what she started – it’s like fashion Underbelly.

Harry O’Brien’s Date

Well Mrs O’Brien clearly you bought the ladies to play. Did they get seperate invitations? Seriously people, most of us understand the concept of gravity. So when the ladies point north without any obvious natural assistance, we’re going to ask questions and the most common question is: what is your plastic surgeon’s phone number?

Katie Williams & Jason Gram

Katie was last year’s gravity test and sure, while I can’t see the front from this angle, I’ll bet my rapidly decreasing stocks that she too has bought her ladies to play. And that’s fine, bring them Katie, but don’t pretend to be shocked when Herald Sun covers an entire page to your breasts and not global warming, economic crisis and even world peace!

Jobe Watson & Guest

Jobe’s date said on the pre-show that Jobe’s sister made the dress. Well, maybe the Watson’s should only play football because Date, this ain’t flattering, it’s flattening. Your boobs seem to be trying to escape a closing vice grip of fabric – in fact your dress reminds of a mammogram. Yes boys, a pain you should experience too because that’s a fun day for everyone.

Lucy Cornes

Lucy closed her eyes and willed herself back in time. Only 30 minutes, she thought to herself, thirty minutes and I could have tried the bra on, and realised that Melbourne’s unpredictable weather would mean nipple-city. Alas, her astral projections weren’t quite working.

Lauren Sharkey

I think it’s time to address formal wear with parts missing. Okay, yes cleavage is good, and interesting design is always appreciated. But turning up like a damn jigsaw with random no-essential parts just missing is stupid and annoying and turns formal wear into bikini wear.

Danielle Foote

If this is the same Danielle Big-Brother –One-Terrible-Cover-Single-Foote that I think it is, then damn, the girl went and got cleaned up good! Seriously, she looks really good. Good dress (from what I can see thanks photographers!), great hair and tan appropriately brown without being Fanta. Seriously that’s a Lara Bingle-esque transformation taking place right here.

Hayley Moxon

Cute. Sweet. A little bridesmaid-y. Still, compared to some of the whore-o-ful (get it!) dressing out there, this is demure and Hayley, please stay that way. Retain the sweet couple vibe I see here.

Random Girl 1

Another ice-dancer’s costume is recut and makes its way to the Brownlow red carpet. I personally love how with this dress the completely over the top backless part wasn’t enough, there also had to be a neck to navel slit down the middle – because that’s classy!

Felicity Percival

Don’t you just love Tom and Flick? Seriously, she’s the girl people want to be friends with because you can totally see her coming back to work the next day and telling fantastic stories about how the Melbourne tramps were in the bathroom, pumping cleavage, faking tanning up a storm. And she’s there all lovely and natural with her pretty green dress and AWESOME necklace (Tom, buy that for her – NOW!) with the hot boyfriend, who is Captain of the team. It’s like Senior Year in High School – if I went to an American fantasy high school that is and if I had been friends with the nice girl who is popular but also friends with the nerds – it’s a pretty involved fantasy.

Carla McGuire

What the hell Carla? What happened to the once bastion of fashion? What happened to the lady we used to depend on to consistently put in a good effort? You got caught up in the world wind of ruffles and kerfuffles didn’t you? Well, like Eddie has said to his more social players – enough is enough, walk away!

Emmy’s Best & Worst

Brooke Shields

I am in no way a fan of the dress itself but the colour – POP and Brooke’s hair – sublime!

Debra Messing

No comment required: see the woman’s face to Debra’s right – awesome reaction shot.

Emilie de Ravin

Em’s always been on the kookier side of our Aussies in Hollywood, and she continues the weird theme here, with some sort of Roman coin number than strangely ran out of coins in the final stages. Commenting on the world economic crisis through fashion?

Eva Longoria Parker

See I LOVED this. Its total hot, she rocks it, and it's aspirational - we mere mortals shouldn't try it. And it’s unique and different without being trashy! Sure the legs are a little Sunkist and not sun kissed. And yes, the hair bob isn’t amazing but it’s for the new season and her bid to be more ‘serious.’

Evangeline Lily

A deceptive beauty to be sure, what with all the being Lost all the time but Evangline looks super elegant here and the dress really grows on you the more you look at it. Seriously, it’s the magic eye of dresses, just keep staring, it will draw you in.

Grace Park

Firstly: Who? Secondly: I’ll have a vodka tonic – what? You’re not the bartender? Seriously, cause I’ll pay for it. Really, an actress – in what?

Hayden Panetttiere

I love it, it’s very sophisticated very elegant but there’s a giant part of me that feels Hayden wears this adult get-up so we won’t be too weirded out by her dating the decade older co-star.

Heidi Klum

Only Heidi Klum or Charlize Theron could pull of wacky shit like this is and it’s because she’s Heidi Klum that we let her. Anyone else – tragedy. Heidi and its high fashion.

Jennifer Carpenter

For the Dexter fans out there, this is Dexter’s sister – how good does she scrub up huh? For the fashion fans out there, how electric is that red? Comes up good doesn’t it?

Jennifer Love Hewitt

This dress is like an episode of Ghost Whisperer. I’m always strangely excited to see it before it airs, while watching it I feel cheap and equally entertained and by the end I always end up crying. Good self-promotion then J-L-Hew.

Jennifer Morrison

Clearly Jennifer Morrison stole this dress off a midget and is hoping no one noticed. What other explanation is there for the fact that inches, and I mean inches, are missing off her dress?

Julie Benz

In between all the blood and murder the Dexter girls went and got fashion game! Julie’s purple dress is fierce, and not in a Tyra Banks hog the limelight, it’s all about me and my crazy ass fierce. Just a normal level of fierce.

Lauren Conrad

For those that watch The Hills and OMG, you all should because it’s the perfect microcosm of our society right now – people pretending to be real for cameras and fame – anyway, LC or Lauren is our heroine, Queen B. She and/or her makeup artist does the best eyeliner but that’s about it. Clearly Lauren’s reality followed to her red carpet.

Mariska Hargitay

It’s that bright yellow that makes your eyes hurt, like when looking directly at the sun. Still, once you adjust, it’s actually quite nice and is complimented by awesome hair and make-up.

Michael C Hall

Michael, just a tip – when you play a homicidal serial killer on TV, best not to pull homicidal serial killer faces in real life as well, scares the folks at home. Okay, thanks.

Olivia Wilde

Love it! Elegant yet sexy, classy yet modern. And Olivia gets bonus points because she had to pretend to be in love with Mischa B for half a season on The OC and girl must have acted her ass of in that stretch.

Mrs Dempsey

Okay Mrs Dempsey, cheer the f*** up. Every time we see you, the face has a sour grimace, as if walking into a room on Patrick’s arm is the worst thing in the world. Well, lady, I can think of plenty of things that are worse than that – plenty. 1. Having dinner with Amy Winehouse 2. Listening to the entire Paris Hilton album ....smile bitch or I’ll go on.

Rachel Griffiths

Snooze-a-poolza! Seriously, Rach where is the fun Aussie spirit? Where’s the Melbourne fashion influence? Where’s a bit of colour, life or vitality? Has Calista Flockhart sucked it out of you.

Rose Byrne

The worldwide grimace fest continues. Go hang out with Mrs Dempsey Rose, you two would bring the house down.

Saffron Burrows

Oh wow! Remember when Saffron Burrows was actually young and attractive? Not pinched and pale. Hold onto that memory.