The Harsh Light of Day

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Bianca Dye

I’m beginning to worry about Bianca’s self esteem. Is she actually purposefully sabotaging her own outfits because she doesn’t feel worthy enough to look good? Bianca, I think you need to love yourself a little more, or at least enough to realise that potato sacks aren’t dresses and wishing won’t make it so.

Jason Dundas

I know skinny leg jeans on boys are all the rage right now and any boy worth his metrosexual salt is slipping into a pair. However, my problem with this is, I struggle enough squeezing into my jeans, and I don’t want my partner jumping around the bedroom, doing the same bend and stretch manoeuvres to get into his jeans. Next thing we will have to share hair straighteners.

Jo Stanley

There’s that lovely phrase, ‘a face for radio.’ And sure John Laws, is captain of that team, but the latest crop of radio presenters have the looks and the voice. Why Jo does her best to dress down and dowdy, so that she and Bianca Dye are having a dowdy off, is beyond me. And sure, the mullet hairdo is cool, but Jo, I HATE it! HATE IT!

Marc and Camilla Freeman

You know Marc, if you don’t want to be in the picture, just say so, okay? Nobody will care, but this pissed as hell shot doesn’t befit anyone. Meanwhile Camilla, is doing her best impersonation of an Allen’s Lifesaver, but still oddly making it work! It’s truly bizarre. It’s really not a great dress, but the simple hair and makeup, she some how makes it look cool??? Weird, huh?

Sharon Millerchip & Marina Prior

You can so tell in this picture, that Sharon is just busting to get away from Marina, just itching to break free from the clashing fabrics and colours that Marina showed up in. Seriously Marina, you really thought the red lacy thing matched the rest of the outfit? Honestly, you can’t have, otherwise maybe get your eyes checked, you could be colour blind.

Natalie Gruzlewski

Yeah sure, she’s pretty and nice figure but this outfit is very blah and shows no fashion inclination except what’s in pages of Cleo and what you’ve been told is cool. Also, God help me Nat, but please, please cut that damn hair. It looks so unhealthy and ratty at the ends. I just want to get a whipper snipper and have at it.

Sarah Murdoch

She’s a classy little minx that Sarah. Here, she’s co-launching her parenting book and boy, don’t you immediately trust her. Funky, youthful and fresh yet appealing to the younger mum market and respectable all at the same time. Fashion’s a skill and Sarah excels. A little down point for the black shoes – don’t quite hit the mark.

Stephanie McIntosh

And the Stephanie dance continues, one step forward, two steps back. Hair and makeup and shoes are good, keep that up Steph, but the pattern dress! Come on, I know you told Herald Sun that you’ve lost a few kilos and that’s great, good work, but it may be a tad early to jump into the print dress. Especially that print, which is like those psychology cards – tell me what you see? A bunny killing it’s mother, is that wrong?

Check Your Mailbox: Max Factor Global relaunch - Sydney (free Mascara is always appreciated); Cocktails Under the Sea - Sydney (save the Sharks is hard sell); New Idea 105 party - Melbourne (Neighbours stars en masse); Salvation Army Ball - Sydney (you really can't have a ball without a charity these days).

Anthony Callea

Oh dear me. See Mr Callea what happens when you officially come out, is that you get to turn up at functions wearing bright colours and over the top outfits and no cares because you’re gay. Or does that seem to stereotypical Will & Grace description of homosexuality? Nevertheless, I just found the lovely original version of The Prayer on YouTube and in those halcyon days of 2004, you cleaned up very well – so go download and then repeat.

Asha Kuerten

Asha kicks off the stampede of what seemed to be animal print week. Why or what for, I’ll never know. Still, Asha, you’re a lovely looking girl and clearly you try hard, but it’s too hard, it’s all too much! This dress firstly doesn’t fit – it’s baggy and ill fitting. And really, it’s nothing that you can’t find in the Surfers Paradise strip mall for around $20.

Bobby Morley

I’m all for skater cool, and being young and hip and living on the edge, and any other Bon Jovi phrases that mean you’re bad ass but have a heart underneath. However, Bobby, this outfit isn’t even good enough for a first date, let only a red carpet. This is popping down to the supermarket for last minute supplies.

Brendan and Alex Fevola

In what was the most over-hyped event in the sense that it would be so hard to get into, Nobu, it seemed let anyone with a remote claim to fame! The Fevolas are point in case, with Brendan sporting the I am as dumb as I look facial expression and Alex trying to pretend she’s cool and classy, but honey, that act ain’t fooling nobody. We know, we saw the A Current Affair story.

Deni Hines

You’d forgive me for having to check three times that this was in fact Deni. Listen Deni, I know times are hard, and no one really wants to hear about you, and your mother has all the attention but when you start stealing her clothes, right down to her black wrap, then you’ve gone a step to far…probably three or four steps.

Shae Brewster

Sadly sometimes Getty Images mis-caption people and I, in all my hours of research, don’t check and get their names wrong (sorry Roxanne Lebrasse, you were not Jessica Mauoboy last week, maybe you should have been though, because that dress was pretty bad). Poor Saskia Burmeister has no idea that right now she’s apparently looking terrible in vomit yellow jacket, a curtains lace dress with cowboy boots. In fact it’s Shae Brewster but I worry for all the Saskia fans who are crying themselves to sleep in a dark corners right now.

DJ Havana

Yep, I’ve never heard of the DJ either but she warranted a photo so she must be somebody or she paid somebody. Either way, Fergie called and wants her look back. She doesn’t need the talent, she knows you didn’t steal that.

Debora-Lee Furness

I don’t understand, I simply don’t understand! This makes me think of that really sad scene in Love Actually, where Emma Thompson has just cottoned onto the about-to-cheat-hubbie and she says to him, she felt fat at the party, and she can only fit into Pavarotti’s clothing now. I can almost believe that Debs said the same thing to Hugh post the ball.

Fuzzy

See, it was all good, it was funky and cool and very hard to pull off but the fro and cute spunk worked for her. Right up until the moment she chose to put those stupid Munchkin-men shoes on her feet. Who cares if they are comfortable, no one – pain is beauty so suck it up Fuzzy.

Georgie Sinclair

Earlier in the week Georgie showed me how to wear a sack dress and be okay (basically it involves having a teeny, tiny waist!) Here, she undoes all her good work in getting my approval by wearing a very nicely fitted Persian Rug themed dress.

Hamish Blake, Sophie Blake and Andy Lee

Well, either Anna and Hamish are having problems (hope not), or Anna just got damn sick of sitting there telling everyone how fine she was with Megan Gale, and yes, isn’t she great! (Fight on for the normal girls Anna, fight on). The boys, look their usual spruced up selves but I see Hamish has yet to take my advice re the shave. Ham, we need to communicate.

Indiana Evans

Why so sad Indy? You look good, and sure the shoes, are pretty horrendous and don’t really go with the outfit at all, and yes, you seem to have been forced into the corner, a smile wouldn’t go astray? Maybe you’re sad because you’re carrying mum’s handbag?

Jade McRae

I don’t understand how you could physically take this off the rack, try it on and think ‘damn, I look good.’ I would try it on and then ask for a bucket! Not only is the colour truly retched but, dear lord, it does absolutely nothing for her legs! And Jade’s got some legs. Also, Courtney Act would like her shoes returned when you’re done.

Jaime Wright

WHY? Oh why, oh why! The dress, it was so pretty, and it fitted her well, and she looked cute and equally sexy. Why then, would you put the scourge of society underneath! These damn black opaques, have well and truly finished their trend run. Jaime it could have been so good, but alas, open toed shoes with stockings will never win my heart over.

Jason Smith

This is just silly. It basically is to illustrate that if you’ve spent you’re career as a nerd, and won over many tweenie girls with your cute nerd portrayal, then don’t try and pretend to be cool hip thing. It fools nobody but yourself.

Alan Fletcher and Jennifer Hansen

If the auditions for the Dusty Springfield were being held at the opening of Nobu then Jen Hansen is definitely in a with a chance for the main role. If, for some reason, she just felt like dressing like this, then well…go home.

Johanna Griggs

I understand Johanna has a busy life, making all those homes and gardens better and the always fascinating column in the New Idea each week, must be hell. Jo, I do however believe that you have time to change from the office job outfit of a fifty year old, you’ve left on for the red carpet. If not, maybe a segment on next week’s show could be about time management.

Jodhi Meares

Jodhi’s obviously saying that if a third retailer entered the fray between Myer and DJ’s, that she would represent with a fierce intensity. For the past two weeks she’s been look fine! And yes, I am completely contradicting myself with letting her stockings pass, but you know what, she wears them! She owns them. It’s all her. And that’s how half the game is won!

Jodi Gordon

While I like this outfit, it’s probably the weakest showing we’ve had from Jodi in a long time. It’s a little blah, and sure the colour jumps and she still looks miles ahead of anyone else, she just doesn’t rock it like she usually does. Sorry Jodes, high standards mean you have to always keep reaching.

Justine Clarke

I love Justine, she is so good on PlaySchool and before you mock, every actor ever had said it’s one of the hardest gigs ever – and I believe them. I think though she may be too PlaySchool these days. I see through the circle window, a bright pink leather jacket! Colours are good things to learn but so is fashion sense.

Kassandra Swavy

Again, not a clue who Kassandra is but she might need an ambulance pretty quickly. Because you’d hope she is bleeding severely from the ankles and not wearing the most atrocious shoes seen in quite a long time.

Kate Alexa

Kate Alexa gets invited to Nobu opening? Are you kidding me?! Besides the fact she is absolute nobody, she is also wearing an awful headdress thing, and another ill fitting mismatched black ensemble. I’m mean come on, Kate Alexa

Kim Watkins

Again, Kim reaches out to her fan base with the doudy housewife look now completely perfected. I’ve actually seen Kim in person, and she’s not half as dowdy as she portrays herself to be and I think Kim, you’re viewers would go with you if jazzed it up just a touch.

Kirsty Lee Alan

I’m very loathe to say this, because it’s quite blunt and really, I often try to sugar coat my Harsh-ness because if I didn’t my hate mail would increase ten fold. But really, there’s no way around this but to say that Kirsty Lee Alan, of no known fame, looks like a whore. Now before you all call lawyers for defamation, I said looks like, not is! Seriously, even Britney would blush a little at this (and scarily, it gets higher at the back!)

Maya Jupiter

Don’t you wish this was a video? Because you just know, that Maya, in jump suit is a step away from moon-walking and then breaking into the running man! As some pre-viewers of this week’s post said, ‘I bet you she posed like that in the dressing room and thought hot, I look hot!’

Melissa Tkautz

Melissa, when the dress doesn’t fit or you aren’t brave enough to wear the belly cut cleavage, it doesn’t mean belt it up. It doesn’t mean visible lingerie time. This is actually a learning lesson for all those poppets on Home and Away and Neighbours. The fame game is tricky and once upon time you were the girl of the early nineties. Now, you’re just a sad, trashy clothed wannabe. It’s the circle of life.

Mirrah

No, people don’t get excited, Bai Ling, isn’t in the country. Although her doppelganger is. While the outfit itself isn’t particularly offensive, the repulsive, superstar pose is. Only Beyonce can pull that off, and even then, I question it!

Matt Newton and Gracie Otto

Cheer up Mattie, the court case is over. And sure, you’ve probably done some irreparable damage to a brightly shining career, and every women looks a little differently at you now, what you can take from all of this is - the only way is up!

Lauren Newton and Matt Welsh

Once upon, Matt was a pretty hot swimmer. He had the swimmer body and was cute and many a school girl had developed a crush. Then it all came tumbling down – he met Lauren. Now I’m sure they are nice and lovely, but by God, are they boring. And I’ve decided Lauren boring-ed him further. The longer hair, the sappy doppy eyed expression. It’s got Newton all over it.

Paulini

I’ve been using the expression sack dress for a while now, referring to dresses that resemble sacks. However, Paulini has taken it one step too far and actually worn a sack. She’s even helpfully pointed out the string to tighten when it’s full. No Paulini, just no.

Samantha Jade

Don’t know who Samantha is, or what she does, but today she wears this dress. And she looks good. She’s got the body and look to carry it all off and for others who try it would have been horribly awful, she plays demure seductress and that’s okay.

Sharni Vision

Sharni, Sharni, Sharni – hats are cool, hats hide problematic hair issues, hats are good for sunscreen protection. Hats are not however, an accessory for a red carpet appearance. Unless you’ve shaved all your hair off in a fit of desperation, take the hat off!

Stephanie McIntosh

Look Steph’s back and she’s also back to listening to Harsh. Gone are the stupid cowboy boots, and back are the skinny, legs with the flattering dresses. The super long trashy hair is also gone as well. Oh Steph, this is good times for us – together we can go onto bigger and better things.

Tania Zaetta

Okay Tania, we get it, you pretend to be famous in Bollywood and remind us so by wearing Bollywood fashion to everything. You know what Tania, like your face, this trend is getting tired and old and we just don’t care. Who Dares Wins ended almost ten years ago and the small amount of fame you’ve carried on since then, is just about to run out.

Tiffani Wood

Tiff, Tiff my love. I think it’s time. Time for us to step forward together and face the realities of the situation. It’s time to hire a stylist. Ring OK! and ask if they will feature the story and maybe certain designers will donate dresses. A stylist would never let you onto a red carpet with a summer beach dress and too pale legs. They just wouldn’t let it happen. Still, you again look fantastic from the neck up. Great hair and whatever skincare product you’re using is tops! But photos aren't from the neck up - at least not in my judgemental world.

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And finally, some kind, lovely, awesome reader sent me this pic and let me tell you, it made quite a few people's day, mine very much included! There isn't anything I can really say, the outfit, the pose, the person - it does all the talking.

Sam Brett, ladies and gentlemen!

Just posting in an attempt to get the most recent post onto the front page. Yes, the global mega show down of retailers was covered and yes, it was posted on Sunday but alas, for some unknown reason won't load on the front page.

This is why people subscribe -free - to the email update, means you get direct link to the latest post.

Check Your Mailbox: Lexus Young Chef/Waiter Awards – Sydney (food at that event better be good); Urban Music Awards – Sydney (Aussies trying to be LA rappers); David Jones launch – Melbourne (Neighbours starlets and Lauren Newton book your hairdresser); Myer launch – Brisbane (Do Brisbane have any celebs?); Nobu opening – Melbourne (despite a soft opening for a week, Robbie De Niro hits town); Gorgeous Cosmetics – Sydney (you’d hope it’s gorgeous, as opposed to Average Cosmetics); Red Ball – Melbourne (no bad words, charity for Bone Marrow Donors, good work people!).

Annalise Braakensiek

Is it a compliment to say, that Annalise strongly resembles a Barbie? With her tiny, tiny, tiny waist and overtly large chest and even matching Ken doll? Where did Annalise park the Barbie Ferrari? And how is her dreamhouse I wonder? So many Barbie questions, so little time.

Antonia Kidman

Oh dear Tones, this is not good. Why you felt it was necessary to dress as a Byron Bay hippie who is headed into town for a night of dinner with the local ladies golfers and not like the sister of a superstar, who would have access to a very decent wardrobe. Maybe though, you’re like me and can’t really borrow from your sister, she of all the clothes. I understand Tones, I really do, but try this: when she’s out, nick in there and grab something, and then by the time you’re on the red carpet, it will be too late.

Andy Lee and Hamish Blake

Well aren’t these two little fellas looking smick. LOVE Andy’s hair chop. He is now man and no boy – the mischievous grin still firmly in place. I see Meggie has been here. And he even bought her b’day pressie, isn’t that sweet? Do you think it’s a bath bomb? Shower gel? In other news, I’m more than a bit ready for Hamish to clean up a little. The facial growth resembles bum fluff as opposed to the manly shadow. That’s something for you to work on Ham.

Belinda Chappel

This summer is all about the maxi dress and thank Christ, because I’ve got some serious winter insulation to hide. Belinda shows how to wear it with a clean neckline. My only concern is her sure to develop hair headache from the bun. It’s so tight, she’s given herself a home botox job without the botox. So commeth summer, so commeth the relaxing Bel.

Bianca Spender

I think Bianca had the right idea but an almost laughable execution. The dress is quirky and interesting but with her colour tone, flattens her out. Especially with the limpest hair seen on a red carpet in quite some time. I hope to dear god, that Bianca didn’t pay some one for that hair do because really and truly, I could have done that with a toilet roll and five minutes.

Cheyenne Tozzi (left)

Well Cheys certainly earned herself a diva-esque reputation this time around. Talk of name dropping and phone conversations that entire rooms had to endure about her catching up with Brandon Davis and Paris next week. Really Chey, if you’re going to name drop then maybe pick some one a little cooler. Here it's the almost barely there dress, the platinum hair, it’s all there and sure she does look good, but personality trumps a pretty dress.

Elka Graham @ DJ’s

Elka clearly likes an invitation and sat right on the fence by attending both DJ’s and Myer. At DJ’s she is exhibit A in why belts with dresses are bad. What could have been a nice striking maxi dress is utterly ruined, by what could be a belt, but what also could be packing tape from a warehouse.

Elka Graham @ Myer

Elka version two and we can see Elka has only one pose in her arsenal. Part 2 also continues the warehouse fashion trend, with Elka sporting what could be a rope tie around her waist. The dress itself is nice but a bit blah, and a bit four years ago.

Eliza Taylor-Cotter

In what has to be the most concerted effort to be considered the front runner for the Britney Spears bio film White Trash Mess: The Rise and Off Rails of Brit Brit, Eliza follows the diva's lead with four unrelated layers of clothing, an armful of bags and a shortened hemline with revealing cleavage. Also mismatching shoes and cheap $2 store jewellery piled on. Good luck Eliza, hope you’re prepared to shave your head for the role.

Jamie Durie

Sadly from Jamie we’ve seen this awful floral jacket before, however tragically he’s never paired it with a flower imprint t-shirt. The tragedy is those who will now have trouble focusing on still objects thanks to this magic eye, fit inducing ensemble.

Jessica Mauboy

Fashion is tricky, especially if you’re a young starlet hoping to inspire youngsters to buy your latest CD. Wearing a coloured sack, that looks like it could be a disguise to hide either a pregnancy or stolen food from the premiere, probably won’t encourage a growing fan base. Lots to learn little one, lots to learn.

Jennifer Hawkins

We are now entering the tricky years for J-Hawk. The sheen is about two seconds from wearing off, and we could possibly enter the phase where people get a little sick of J-Hawk. I know, it’s inconceivable, but every new IT girl is labelled the new Jen, and it’s getting pretty damn tiring. Here Jen doesn’t dazzle me like she should. This is her show, her game and she should come out looking FIERCE. The hemline on that dress should be inches shorter. She has absolutely got the legs to pull it off, and the arrivals outfit should make us all go AHHHH!!!, instead of MMMM.

Jodhi Meares

Now this is what I’m talking about. Jodhi looks HOT. The smock-ness of the dress is compensated with the length and those tanned to perfection, hot legs. The shoes are a little clumpy but very in and the hair natural and refined, letting the dress speak for itself. Jodhi, bravo to you.

Lisa Hewitt

While I’m sure this outfit started with good intentions, Lisa just takes it all a step too far. The obscenely reflective blue, the boob enhancing straps. The stage makeup and super slick hair. It’s all just too much. Sometimes, a little less is a good thing.

Lizzy Lovett

I don’t know what budget the Nova stations have but clearly it’s not a massive one because both Lizzy and Bianca Dye always manage to turn up on the red carpet looking cheap. This dress is an Aladdin’s cave of handkerchiefs, with a completely mismatching handbag. And what’s most infuriating is Lizzy has good assets, great legs, great hair, excellent body – it’s all there, but she refuses to use it to her advantage.

Michelle Walsh

I’ll applaud Michelle’s hair cut, it does wonders for her face and not dragging her down and making her look like mutton parading as lamb. I don’t applaud her mismanagement of the cleavage. Those poor little ladies look quite squashed together and I feel their pain. It’s a shame because it distracts from what could have been a superior performance.

Michelle Lee

Clearly enough time has expired that handbag Ecstasy holding Michelle is no longer toxic to a red carpet. She proves the ultimate that in the end, no press is bad press. Sure, she spent two years not working but now, the girl is on the carpet and we know her name. Two things previously not attainable for her, and sure the dress is cute and unique and she definitely has the model body to carry it off, but there is a reason she wasn’t famous before…the look at me factor is missing, the [pun intended] X-factor.

Matt Welsh & Lauren Newton

My mother gets a direct mailing catalogue called EziBuy. It contains pages and pages of rip-off fashion which she tries to convince me to purchase. There is one fashion line that is more entertainment and it’s called Apart, and it contains pants with chaps, and jackets with multi-fabrics and it’s pretty damn ugly. Clearly Lauren hasn’t been able to say no to Patti’s insistence she wear this line. She and Matt are now the poster couple for this line.

Rhonda Burchmore

Ffor Rhonda all the world’s a stage or at least a Riva coffee ad. This cabaret show dress finds it way to the red carpet (or marble staircase) and really, it’s only meant for the Palms at Crown Casino. Maybe Rhonda’s short a penny or two, it must cost a fortune to upkeep that lollipop red hair.

Sara Groen

Oh Sara! It was all so lovely, and beautiful and then you stupidly added black tights! It’s the summer spring launch sweetpea, and of course, you probably haven’t tanned up yet but everyone else seemed to embrace the fake tan. You’ve stuck yourself into the winter warmers of tights. No, step into the light and move on from the tights.

Sophie Faulkiner

FIERCE! That’s the kind of legginess, shimmer, summer dazzle I expected from J-Hawk. Soph, very smartly, lets the dress do all the talking and pairs it with simple black shoes, up do and silver clutch. It’s the hot mamma turn from Sophie that I’ve been waiting for.

Toni Pearen

Toni is either on her way to last year’s Autumn/Winter launch and is really late or after the show has to attend a Murder Mystery party as the French seductress spy with secrets to spill. In short, she’s completely inappropriately dressed for a spring/summer launch!

Zoe Naylor and Laura Csortan

Both girls look fantastically presentable here. Zoe, in a stunning red dress that accentuates her curves, and makes us forget all about her stint on MacLeod’s Daughters. And Laura, takes the curves to a whole new level. It’s unique, the pattern is different and she totally works it and I love her for it. Good to see Laura, possibly finding her way back to fashion.

The Actual Fashion

David Jones

Normally, I like to make jokes – but seriously, this outfit is so simple and divine and gorgeous and I just absolutely envy the entire look. I would kill distant relatives to achieve this look.

I often think what’s missing from my lingerie collection is underpants with an inbuilt abacus.

Grandma Jean waited patiently for her dining room curtains to be returned.

The exits are here and here, under you’re seat you’ll find your life jacket which also doubles as the latest in cocktail dress wear.

Jessica wondered: did anyone notice I forgot my pants?

Myer

I often stand in front of my mirror and think what’s missing from this dress? Now I know, it’s a cape.

Inga, your milk maid will be with you shortly.

Myer: Where men are questionably dressed as five year old school boys with hair better that yours.

This dress is sizzling, and J-Hawk, you certainly rock it. But in the end, accounting for the entire campaign, your dazzle level has certainly faded.

Yay Meggie G, in the 07/08 battle for my vote of fierce-ness, I crown you the winner!

Who was your vote for the battle of best-ness: Meggie G or J-Hawk?