The Harsh Light of Day

On the Menu: Ladies Day at the Ascot Races in UK

Bacon Degree: I'm going to the races tomorrow (also a reminder that Spring Racing Carnival is coming...soon...ish)

I may have strayed a little from the motto of celebs around here at HLOD but I saw these images and couldn't resist. With the Spring Racing Carnival coming soon (and shouldn't that be a treat - fingers crossed Tiffani Wood comes down) these pics are a timely reminder about the often delicate balance of wearing a beautiful outfit and being completely plastered!

You've got to admire her flexibility really... but as countless mothers always said, a good lady shuts her lugs. A slapper lets her drunken boyfriend hoist her into the air then spreads it wide for what can only be considered a sordid X-rated Dancing with the Stars manoeuvre



It's always the way isn't it? You've had an awesome day, won a few dollar and was happy to see that no one was wearing your dress. Meanwhile, your friend and supposed ally has got absolutely plastered, ruined her outfit, spent all her money meaning she solely depends on you and your money for a lift home. Let this be a forewarning ladies. Lightweight friends are baggage!


Then there is this awful friend who let some big press photographer come up and snap happy at her clearly comatose friend. The entire crowd around her is having a good old chuckle, thinking 'Phew, glad that's not me!' Poor little lass, I feel sorry for her. I've been in that situation and even lying in a comatose state, feeling good awful, the tiny sober part of your brain is saying 'You should be so mortified' and this poor girl is clearly hearing that part of her brain.

PS Ironic that she's passed out directly in front of the bar too...not really ironic I suppose, more simple consquence.

Here is the worst friend of all...the absent friend. This girl is in all sorts of trouble. I think this is the day we've all though (without the ill fitting dress, I hope) where you will never, ever be drunker in your life. This is the bottom, the pit of ugliness - the day you talk about with awe and shock in years to come...the pain will ease and the memories will focus on the earlier highlights of the day. This lass' problem was the fact she was snapped in such a state. The memory won't fade on that one.


A Letter from her Royal Highness Queen Liz,

Dear Commoners,

It has come to my attention that whilst attending Ladies Day at Ascot this year, many did not in fact, participate as Ladies should.

Let my grandchildren Harry and William NOT be a lesson in social decorum for while drinking with friends and having glorious time, look like fun - it's not. A jolly good afternoon is a brisk walk with the corgies and killing something to which the dogs can later play with.

As you can see, my time at races was full of laughs and good times. One must remember to keep ones emotions in check, especially at public events. So until next year, when I see you all unfortunately, at Ascot, decorum, sensible shoes and fake smiles are the order of the day. Alcohol and men are not.

Small waves and looks of scorn,
Queen Liz

Andy G

I am so, so, so over Andy G and he’s need to prove how too cool for school he is. ‘Look at me, I know who Bon Scott is. I hang out with rock stars and I’ve got shaggy hair.’ We get it Andy, you have a cool job! It doesn’t make you cool and by dressing like a Rolling Stone reporter who is ahead of the music curve and then hosting Australian Idol – it just makes you a sad loser.


Antonia Kidman

What an extremely busy week poor Antonia must have had? Big sister comes to town and basically brings with her the entire entertainment media with her. Angela Bishop camped at her doorstep, Nelson ‘Sunrise’ Aspen pretending he is connected enough to know the scoop. She now has to deal with in-laws from Caboolture – ARGH!. Poor Ton’s must have been buggered. It’s still no excuse to wear a tea cosy out of the house. It may sparkle and have pretty flowers and butterflies but it’s a tea cosy plain and simple.


Bessie Bardot

It’s an over baked and colour infused attempt at Audrey Hepburn and I almost like it…almost. Firstly, Bessie needs to stay away from the sun bed, no one believes in June that you are that colour, it’s just not possible. I have a problem with the thick red shoes – they are too heavy, a strappy heel would have worked better without dominating the outfit. But this is all minor deductions that Bessie could have sneaked away with…it’s the bloody Sandra Dee headband. I understand the headband craze is in full sweep at the moment – I’ve seen it enough to know. But it doesn’t match the outfit, the red’s a different red to the shoes, dress and belt. If you’ve gone to enough trouble to match those three – bloody hell, match the damn headband properly.


Jade McRae

Today the lesson here at HLOD is small things make big differences. As with Bessie, this outfit could have been nice…I say nice because the colour isn’t exactly wowing me but that’s more a personal thing. But it all could have been okay…until the Australian Army stepped into the picture. What is that gun strap doing holding up her top? It belongs on a AK-47 as opposed to a delicate evening top. Supporting the troops is fine Jade, that's your personal choice, just don't wear it.


Jai Evans

Wow…this is a whole other level. I can’t decide whether Jai is part of the early guerrilla marketing campaign for Miami Vice or is he paying homage to Vanilla Ice, the Ice, Ice Baby years. Seriously though, do you think he had to duck when entering the room with the fringe that high? And why wear a shirt at all if your going to open it that far.
My other problem is his date who is not only wearing the Bundy Bear as jacket (watch out for drop bears), but the more pressing concern is why are her tights pulled up around her boobs? Is this a new fashion? God I hope not.


Jane Fleming

You know, you have a great body for some one your age, you really do. Fantastic legs, killer abs – there are many good things to work with here. Why then would you choose to dress like a Paddlepop colour is beyond me? I don’t ever recall a time when ice-blue velvet was fashionable and Jane as much as we admire your athletic skills, you are not the person to start a fashion trend. Especially ice-blue velvet.


Lara ‘Bain of My Life’ Bingle

She’s just not letting go of those stockings is she. Another inappropriately teamed dress and shoe/stocking combo from Lara, proves even with a fantastic setup, window dressing can be extremely challenging and not for the faint hearted. Lara although new to red carpet seems to attend anything so she really should be getting it right by now…my patience levels are being severely tested.


Melissa Tkautz

The eighties/early nineties were cruel to many people but for young Melissa, life was at a high point then. A hit single, every week making out with Bruce Samazan, living a fictional street with the easiest spelling ever, Dolly covers every month…it really was the cat’s pyjamas back then. It’s been a tough ride ever since, Paradise Beach, failed single relaunches and now this…look. I think I know what this is though, it’s a girlfriend consoling Melissa at home one night over a bottle of wine saying ‘you are so beautiful, you’d look good in anything, you’d look great in a potato sack you’re so hot’ and Melissa being the literal person she is (read my lips) just went out and bought a potato sack with some sequins.


Nikki Webster

I think Nikki Webster reads Harsh Light of Day, I really do. I think she is right into it and last week’s reference to Best Little Whorehouse in Texas gave her a whole bunch of ideas. Why else would this little poppet wear a corset with breasts hiked that far into her chin? Why else wear jewellery that actually disappears into your cleavage? Why else wear a belt chain from the middle of your belt if not to attract attention to a certain area? Nikki, I wanted to applaud your dedication to the site, it’s nice you’re a fan but this is a site that critiques fashion errors not applauds them. When I was saying how much I loved Dolly Parton in that movie, I was being sarcastic, you know, not really meaning what I said. It’s what grown ups do when they are trying to be funny.


Tiffani Wood

Oh Tiffani Wood, I love you and your unexplainable reason for being photographed at events. Your efforts almost every week continue to amaze and surprise me …I think as a present I might buy you a mirror for your home. Clearly you don’t own one, no one who dresses like this could. Mustard yellow jeans with a matching handbag, mixed with red strips and matching nails and then top it off with a stupid hair piece that three year olds wear to fairy parties. It’s like a lunar eclipse, I don’t want to look ‘cause it will hurt my eyes but I so am going to anyway.

On the menu: Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Bacon degree: She's British, we are unfortunately one under the Commonwealth


This is what being a human toffee apple must be like. You get dipped syrupying stuff so one end of looks sickly brown and the other end is a white stick!! People this is the latest crime in fake tanning - the half/half. It's like ordeing half/half pizza - if you're going to indulge in something so bad for you, just eating the whole damn thing! She's seriously not wearing stockings, those are her really honest to goodness, British legs. And we all know the Brits don't tan well, so unless she's literally half mum, half Brazilian Dad there is no excuse for such an error.

In the absence of any parties in Australia that I could wrangle photos of, I’ve had to go out of the country to find our Aussies. Don’t worry my commitment to D-Grade
celebdom hasn’t diminished but if Muhammad won’t come to the mountain…

Another note - last week a reference was made to Tiffani Wood (who sadly, isn't in this edition - Tiff where are you?) and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. For those who aren't sure - yes, this is actually a real movie and the title did say Whorehouse. It's classic Dolly trying to save all her little whores when the crazy religious zealots try and shut down said whorehouse. If you've got a free Saturday afternoon, check it out and learn the show stopping numbers such as A Lil' Ole Bitty Pissant Country Place and the wonderful instrumental Courtyard Shag. Moving stuff.


Danii Minogue & Shane Warne (UK)

Talk about the celebrity duo of cringe. Danii obviously needed some friends (aka: people who photogs can snap) at her album launch. But I question the need to invite Shane Warne and his hair – they would have to be separate invitations because the size of that cow lick is impressive. I’m not actually sure when cow licks became fashionable but I think Shane may be the only one who followed through with the trend. Danii’s dress is actually very nice but I’m guessing they ran out of black ribbon because there doesn’t seem to be a good reason for the gap!


Erika Hairnets (TM EL 2006)

Just when we thought Erika had proven us wrong, just when we thought fashion enlightenment had dawned she goes and does this. Clearly opaque tights are THE THING for winter – we get that loud and clear but they are tricky numbers to work around an outfit. The dress is not bad at all, not fantastic but hey what are you going to do? For me, it’s the shoes – the 1980’s Speed’s court shoes IN RED!! They are quite possibly the ugliest shoes EVER and that’s saying something. I can’t comprehend how anyone let her stand in front of camera looking like that.


Mia Hewitt

Don’t look at Bec ‘cause this one ain’t about the Yummy Mummy it’s all baby Mia and her fashion choices. That’s right we breed them young here at HLOD. I’m loving the summer dress with flowers, and what a great length – perfect to hide that baby fat. The hair is simply styled and good effort on refraining on the accessories - would have looked cluttered. My only critique is the sad face Mia, what’s troubling you so? Life must good with Mum and Dad making a packet and Dad’s even back in winning form. So lighten up little Mia – it’s all good!



















Nicole Kidman – A Now and Then retrospective

These are two very different women and yet, they are one and the same. The fresh faced, ringlet curled BMX Bandit (and wasn’t that the greatest movie EVER! I so wanted to be her). Yes, there is the tragic fashion outfit, but hey, it was the 80’s - everyone was fashion retarded. Look back on your photos, you probably can’t do any better. But the sparkle in the eye is palpable – the excitement brewing in her about the amazing career opportunities ahead.

Fashion fast forward to now and it’s a very different story. Poor Nicole, under siege and overwhelmed. Strangely this tiring time is not showing on her face, it’s incredibly smooth and milky white …hmm wonder how that happened?! Recently Nicole has been sporting this interesting hair do…it’s almost like she’s had doll hair implanted…it makes me awfully nostalgic for those over the top red curls. Curls of fire and spirit, curls of pre-messed up marriage with scientology freak happiness. Curls of Aussie achiever and awesome kids movie…oh how I miss those days.


Stephanie McIntosh

Some people think I have it out for Stephanie, that I’m some twisted deluded Ramsey St stalker who wants only to ruin Skye Mangel’s life. This, my friends is not the case – in fact I don’t mind Steph at all. It’s just I see so much more in her. All the assets are there but it’s the execution that fails almost every time and again we witness a tragic it could have been good moment but no. I can already hear shouts of what’s wrong with this humble little number? Well, nothing at all and everything in between. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Steph you need to dress for your size. And I’m not saying you’re a fattie. In fact, I’ve seen you in person round Melbourne town – you’re small. For some unknown reason though, you seem to wear clothes that expand your hips. I know hipster dressing is all fashion but honestly, I think it’s time to recognise your weaknesses and change direction. I’m also not a huge fan of the Barbie hair but that’s a choice you make. Also the baggie grey jumper – it’s a bit low-key for a press call. Next time spruce it up a bit.

After a really, really exciting moment of six degrees of Kevin Bacon for this website, I'm going to celebrate with FREE stuff.

Have a look back over the past entries and email me nominating your most favourite outfit comment and new comment you'd like to add. Think I missed something with Isabel Lucas? Stephanie McIntosh needed some love?

Email your personal critique and be in the chance to WIN an Aesop Pack. Worth $75 it contains a Facial Hydrating Cream and also Aromatique Body Balm.

Winners announced on Tuesday morning.

Enter now - email me with subject HLOD Competition:
HLOD Master

For some Friday fun- a loving HLOD-der suggested an international celeb critique and being the patriotic person I am, I was quite resistant. Yes, she said it's a must - why not still make sure they are some how associated with Australia.

So I call this The Friday Bacon (Copyright EL 2006).

On the menu: Victoria Beckham (Bacon degree: she's at the soccer...Australia's at the soccer)




Would you seriously believe this woman is 32? It's all very 12 year old Year Seven, bought my slogan top at Supre to wear to the football cause the boy I like's playing and if I wear shorter than short shorts he will so notice me. Two things really strike me here: firstly her sunglasses are now officially a seperate entity of her face - commeth Victoria, so commeth her sunnies. Secondly, everyone seems to be having a great old time, laughing and smiling but is Posh a little pissed off? Did David not style his hair correctly on game day? Vicky love, it's the World Cup - as Ricky says Livin' La Vida Loca!

Erika H

It can be cured! Like the discovery of penicillin, this my friends is a momentous day. Erika has been cured of Inappropriate-revolting-dressitis. This outfit is great – the playful black cocktail dress snazzed up with a dash of red in matching shoes and clutch. Erika, I’m so proud, I almost want to break into song, but after hearing your performance on that awful show I think we should both refrain. My only minor itsy bitsy note is the hair and makeup. A splash of red lippy would’ve been stellar and the hair is a little Noms Robson-esque – and we all know were that path leads.


Isabel Lucas

I really don’t understand. Is Sydney that unseasonable cold? If someone could explain this entire ensemble to me I’d be eternally grateful, because if I had even a smidge of the body she has I’d be in outfits that required been sewn into. My only possible answer is her publicist is making her go to these events, forcing poor little Izzy down the carpet and this is her sweet revenge. ‘I could have been home with Chris, my man hunk so take this PR bitch – shapeless Von Trapp family member climbing every mountain escape outfit!’


Kelly Smythe

Internal monologue of Kelly Smythe:

‘My new boobs so totally rock in this outfit, I’m too happy I bombed out 9K on these babies. I mean check out the fact I’m being paparazzi’d. That sooo never used to happen. And this Chanel bag I stole from my mum’s wardrobe is so vintage 80’s cool – that’s when stuff was like, OLD. I rock! With this feather I wore at Spring Racing carnival as a hat now working as brooch, that’s awesome revitalising of my wardrobe or so the Cosmo girls would say! I am like, the new Tozzi sister of the Sydney scene. I’ll teapot pose to top it of!


Lara Bingle and Jodi Gordon

This is like a side by side of good belt and evil belt. Jodi again knocks herself out of the Home and Away league, with a beautiful white dress that’s demurely belted. She red shoeses up and yes, it was a popular choice that night – it still looks great. It’s unique and stylish and her only mistake was letting Lara I’ll come to anything it doesn’t even have to be an envelope opening, seriously call me Bingle latch onto her. Why you’d decided to team white satin dress with black winter tights!! Really, why? And Lara, there is a huge bloody difference between sun kissed and solarium baked and we can tell!!!


Lee Furlong

Hi Y’all. Welcome to Las Vegas, and I’m your hostess tonight Sheree-Lyn-Ann. My dream is one day make it big in the bright lights of this big city here but for the moment, I’m just happy servin’ y’all! This little outfit here was worn by all girls before they made it big! I haven’t even ironed it cause that’d be bad luck y’all. My hair is real pretty with these here curls, I had to set them for eight whole hours! You just sit yourself right down here and enjoy the show and if y’all need anything - just holler!


Mink

This is why I’ll never, ever get a visible tattoo. You spend the rest of your life co-ordinating your outfit to match. While I commend Mink (I hear a chorus of who’s? and I don’t have an answer) for her overall theme and effort of sticking to Harley’s Going Ballgown, look behind Mink. She’s at a Lancome event, I mean really I know black and white is a restrictive dress code but skulls was her magical X factor?? This however is probably a dress Denise Richards would love to marry Richie Sambora in!


Richard E. Grant and Rachel Ward

It’s all very Sergeant Pepper meets Iskha here with both Rachel and Richard – wait don’t forget the E, must always use the E. And while on anyone else I’d really hit the roof, and I’m not even a Richard E. fan, its Rachel Ward people. She of infinite beauty and spirit. She who married Bryan Brown and wept tears of loving devotion on Denton that made us love her even more. She’s like Trudie Styler – you let her get away with just a little bit more because, it’s Rachel.


Tali J

Before you all spit your coffee through your noses in shocked horror at the disease that’s crept up Tali’s legs, fear not. Some weird Ebola Bird Flu Leg Munching disease hasn’t overtaken Australia. No, it’s actually worse – the awful weird winter stocking phenomenon continues. We’ve seen it before and I’m guessing we’re going to see it again. But that’s not the entire absurdity of this outfit – call me crazy but she looks like a new-born baby horse – granted a skanked-out East Compton call my pimp baby horse but still, she’s got massive limbs that she seems incredibly unsteady on, a drugged out where am I expression and a general fowl like feeling.


Tali Shine

So close Tali, so very, very, very close. I actually don’t mind this dress at all. It’s very beachy fun with the correct revealing clevage cover the knee rule and those shoes are so cute. I’ll bet they hurt like a bitch, but they look great. You haven’t over tanned too much either which is a bold step. It’s the handbag – why, oh why would you think bringing a radio with a strap wouldn’t go unnoticed? Did you think the event would be so boring you’d tune in a little Nova and rock out? I’m just baffled. It looks like a prop stolen from the set of Happy Days or worse, those kitschy sixties tribute diners. Just dump it in the bin on the way out and we can all be friends again.


Tiffani Wood

Tiff’s my girl I’ve decided. She obviously knows that I need people to write about and she’s offering to support me by turning up in more bizarre outfits to each event. This is number is gem! I’m flashing back to Dolly Parton and her awesome performance in ‘Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ where she was the Madam of the Ladies but was secretly in-love with just Burt Reynolds (it was when Burt had real hair and no face lift.) Seriously though, I can just imagine Tiff waving an arm Livinia style and offering me the best price for a night with one of her ladies.

PS – Still not sure what Tiff’s up to these but it seems attending things is pretty much a full time occupation.

Yes, I know it's been a while and I've only at this game a short time...but it was the Logies, it took it's toll. I guess I will have to mentally prepare myself for the Brownlow.


Anna and Michael

I love this time of year…not for the crisp (freezing) winter temperatures which offer the chance to snuggle by a blazing fire with a red wine and good looking partner …no it’s Big Brother evictees fifteen minutes of fame time. And with that fifteen minutes comes the fantastic tradition of fashion crimes.

Here Anna demonstrates the Jekyll and Hyde dress – a lovely green flowery number that inexplicably is joined with a stripey fabric. Did the seamstress get halfway through and run out of fabric and decided to use off cuts? And Michael, you are not buff enough to open the shirt like that, you are not famous enough to open a shirt like that, you are not worthy enough to open a shirt like. Button up and respect your elders.


Axle Whitehead

Yes, he maybe too hyperactive for a Sunday morning but boy, oh boy, does Axle smoulder. It’s classic rock boy cool here, and I’m loving it. So laid back, so self assured and in no way try hard loser style of fellow presenter Andy G.


Bianca Dye

The dress that keeps on maiming. People stand clear of racks that have this dress, it’s nobodies friend. It masquerades as summer fun with length for winter chill but is a Bris Vegas dinner party dress that’s sadly taken Sydney by storm. If it had black I’m sure tragic Melbournites would follow but thank God for small graces. As you can see from the surly look on Miss Dye’s face, she’s not happy to be in it and we’re not happy to see her in it. No more can be said.


Erica Baxter

How oh-so-PR-driven that Erica be at the Aussie premiere of The Break Up. Get it? Kudos to PR flack for thinking outside the socialite launch list of Sydney square. It’s a vast improvement on the last time we saw Erica here at HLOD but that’s only because she’s removed the rollers and added lipstick. It’s too many clothes competing for attention and primarily the inside out kangaroo skin that is her jacket annoys me. Did she also need to wear Grandma’s tablecloth as a dress? It doesn’t seem to provide any respite from the cold so why wear it?


Guy Sebastian

Wow did Guy get the message wrong. In his efforts to be cutting edge hip and funky, when he read about skinny leg jeans, he clearly ignored the female section of the article. He looks like an eight year old boy needing to urgently go to the bathroom. Seriously, what is that pose? Are you hiding a pregnancy belly? Is the fly on your jeans broken? And the greatest rule of all for a reality TV star, don’t ever, ever change the thing that made you famous – grow back that fro ASAP!!


Isabel Lucas

Oh Isabel, you break my heart, you really do. You are such a gorgeous, natural, tiny girl but you continue to dress in the most ridiculous outfits. Why? Are you trying to sabotage my day, trying to remind me that even though you dress like a bedraggled bag woman you can still hold down a hot man like Chris Hemsworth and I, alas can not. In fact, now that I mention it, where is Chris? Is he hiding beneath your skirt? It would definitely explain why it’s so big!


Jennifer Aniston

The circus comes to town, so I get to judge. And while there is nothing at all wrong, like my international queens at Go Fug Yourself, I too am so bored with the black. Yes, Jen, I would too mourn the loss of Brad, I would mourn that he is shacking up with Angelina, she of hotness and charity giving goodness. I would mourn the recent birth of little Shiloh, realizing that I could have squirmed $4.2 million from People mag if I’d reproduce but ENOUGH WITH THE BLACK!! As Kevin Bacon so beautifully states in Footloose ‘There is a time for mourning and a time for dancing.’ Jen, please, please oh please, DANCE. Break out a colour, rock the red carpet, make people realize that yes Angelina is hot, but so too are you and there is a reason you nabbed him first.


Kathleen de Leon

After the savaging I gave poor Kathleen at the Logies (and yes I did feel bad) she has redeemed herself thoroughly. A picture of prenatal bliss with her hubbie, the normal one from Savage Garden, she shines in this grey white empire waisted dress. Simple, elegant, graceful. I salute you for an excellent recovery into fashion good books. With this look, you can check back often.


Lauren Eagle

Lauren is apparently a model but really, isn’t everyone these days. Lauren has however no sense of time management. How do I know, you ask? It’s clearly obvious after a day at the beach over baking herself, she’s looked at her watch, realised she is way late for the FHM bash and just buttoned her town to her bathers. Obviously she hoped that no one would notice…sorry Lauren, you’ve been busted! The other tragic thing about this outfit is Britney Spears is eyeing it off as a maternity number.


Lizzy Lovett

There comes a time and place where you have to take a stand. Here and now I declare war against footless tights. Look closely friends, she’s actually peeping her little toes through those tights. Why? Really, why? Has she been creative with a ladder in her stockings? Are her toes unusually overheated? I don’t understand. The rest of the outfit is fine, very Rizzo from Grease but Stockard Channing rocked that look so can others. All ruined by those damned tights! Footless tights be gone I say!


Nikki Webster and Sasha Farber

It was only a matter of time before Nikki popped up. In fact, she’s done well to hide from me for this long but I can’t ignore this treasure. It’s all wrong and I love her for it. She’s just the ultimate child star who will never ever be allowed to grow up. Her awful home job hair straightening efforts through to her golden cowboy boots reek of self styling and while yes, after Strawberry Kisses, finances have been tough for Nikki, you can always pick up a Cosmo or Cleo. Look at Mischa, Nicole Ritchie, little Li Lo and copy.


Tiffani Wood

Tiff’s becoming a firm favourite here at HLOD for her wacky ways. I’m still yet to learn what she actually does now but hey, who needs a job to be photographed. I know the crazy tights are in, that’s fine. It’s just let them do the speaking. Don’t pair them with short whory denim skirt with weird brown hemming, mismatching black pumps and black tee with white lace trimming. It’s like a Better Homes and Gardens craft project out of control.