The Harsh Light of Day

In a supreme lead up to Harsh Light of Day’s night of nights – Brownlow night, the next best thing came out to play this week. Nine versus Seven D-grade celebrities trying to impress their various network chiefs, which gives us a plethora of fashion nightmares. Oh goodie!

Alexandria Davies

Looking at this outfit gives me the strongest urge to grab Alex by the shoulders and turn her around and around like a spinning top. Then I would get her a dunce’s hat, thread black and white ribbons out the top and dance around this May Pole dress. And do you really have to ask how bad a dress is when there is a hula hoop sewn into the hemline.


Alison Cratchley

I equally loathe this out and equally love it. I love it for lace sheer top and matching cream skirt, I love her demure soft curl swept hair. I loathe the belt over the top (for God sake’s people), I loathe it because she forgot to tell the Seven tailor to take the dress length up a inch. And mostly I loathe it for the white, cotton Bonds sports bra she has on underneath. With glamour dressing should go glamour underwear.


Amy Mathews

Amy continues to dazzle me with her appalling choices. She of the Brides of Christ outfit from our early days here at Harsh Light, triumphs again in this denim bikini top over pink sack with what looks foil pieces run through a blender that have static electricity to thank for sticking to her dress. Yes, man behind her, turn away, save your eyes while you still can. The rest of us are not so lucky.


Candice Alley

I can see where Candice thought she might have been onto a winner here. I’ve highlighted in the past my delight at dresses that have tie over fluffery -Kate Ritche at the Logies take a bow. However the major difference between Kate and Candice is the colour, Kate had two whereas Candice’s one colour choice just looks like she got the straps of her dress caught and has been trying to unravel herself the whole limo ride over. Obviously time ran out.


Erin McNaught

Erin Mc I Almost Won but Now I’m a Sub Standard Jennifer Hawkins Fill In, continues to prove why she didn’t wrestle the diamond tiara down under. It’s all the extras here, or lack thereof, the pasty legs – and I’m first to admit it’s been a long winter but I’m not at a press call in a mini. The Payless stilettos and unpolished toe nails – tsk, tsk. Even the dress just doesn’t sit right on her. I can actually imagining it working on someone else but Erin doesn’t have the shazzam to pull it off.


Georgie Gardner

Clearly when they sold Prix D’Amour Rose Hancock Porteous old digs, there was a garage sale and Rose got rid of a few dresses. Well Georgie’s been the lucky, I would say unlucky benefactor of a tiger print wrap dress, that looks more like throw from the local bordello than a dress. Quite possibly the most unflattering dress I’ve seen on a celeb in a good while (Kate Fischer not included – she’s another level)


Holly Brisley

At the moment on Home and Away, Holly’s character is romancing her sixteen year old daughter’s boyfriend – yes it’s gripping real life drama. She is clearly stealing from her wardrobe as well, cause Holly’s thrown on every Cosmo/Cleo adorned fashion of the past five minutes in an effort to out trendy a trend. Shorts – yep, footless tights – there and not going away, bomber silk jacket – just like the ANZAC’s wore. She completes the outfit with a top that Target designers would even roll their eyes at and turn down.


Indiana Evans

‘Edelweiss, Edelweise, every morning you greet me!’ Either Indy’s putting in an early bid for a role in the Aussie Sound of Music or some stylist is laughing their ass off right now. I am hip enough (hip as word is a dead giveaway that I’m not) to realise that Indy’s attempt to Mischa Barton herself a style but have you seen how stupid Mischa looks lately? It’s a fine line Indy and you are right now over the line and into the role of Leisel Von Trapp.


Jennifer Hawkins

I hate, hate, hate, hate it. The colours are horrifically bad together, she looks like a pastel life saver lolly. Her only saving grace is the fit around the wait corset area which is so flattering but even then the rest of it is a cm too much cleavage and straining ugly fabric across the lower waist.


Jessica Rowe

Spring is definitely here and every TV personality seems determined to project that in clothing. And while yes, Jess does look like a pimp for Peter’s Ice Cream circ 1970, I don’t entirely hate it. The colours work a hell of a lot better than some people today (Jennifer). My only drama is the heavy clumpy brown shoes that weigh it down. Where’s a springy strappy shoe Jess?


Jody Rigby

It must be hard working with all those boys in a gardening environment. I bet Jody secretly harbours a dream of one day walking into that backyard and every man on site, stops and turns and stares at her with melting eyes akin to Danny Zuko checking out hot Sandie. Yet those crazy Blitzers will only ever see poor Jods as a little sister and this outfit won’t do anything to change that. Clearly short on time, she’s used what was available to her on set. The picnic blanket which she’s rolled in and stapled gunned together and then the host family’s youngest child’s tap shoes.


Kate Fischer

God I so want to hate it, I really do. But to be fair, it’s a massive improvement for Kate. She looks polished, not strapped into the dress and it actually fits her well. Yes, the damn belt everything craze continues but it’s not too bad. Breathe a sigh of relief Kate, I’ve let you through, but I’ll be watching.


Kate Ritchie

It goes against my entire nature but I like this number, creases and all. It’s flattering to Kate and it’s fresh, it’s glamour without being over the top for Australia and her side swept hair is beautiful and subdued. It’s firmly cementing in my mind Kate’s a game day performer. As Alf would say ‘Flaming Hell.’


Krystal and Camilla

I feel bad that Camilla’s getting dragged into this but you stand next to that on a red carpet and you’re asking for trouble. In outfit that has to be solely sponsored by Supre and Mystic Tan, Krystal dazzles in how trash-tastic she can be. Posh Spice eat you over tanned heart out, a new competitor is on the block. The awful yellow shoes and how good am I, cause I’ve got jugs around my chin stance only make me want to throw things at her.


Nichole Dickson

Nichole has clearly been away from the game for so long, she was surprised to be invited to such an event. Begging friends she finally found someone to lend her one but only realised on the red carpet, it was two sizes too big. In crafty effort to divert attention from the masses of extra fabric she tucked the hem into the neckline and prayed for fashionistas to assume a new trend and not delve deeper.


Nicola Charles

This is an assault on retinas everywhere. The trashy pink is further enhanced by the diamontes tastefully sprayed all over the dress and nothing says trailer trash like a slit up the leg. The necklace also has no business associating with that dress. Very suburbs glamour.


Sara Groen

The stylists at Seven must have got a massive discount on hula hoops and offensive mind altering prints. Like Alex Davies, Sara’s dress is an optical illusion that reminds me more of Charlie and his trip to the Chocolate Factory than elegance, style and grace. Tis a shame really as Sara seems to be a lovely looking girl with very usable tools at her disposal.


Sonia Kruger

One week Sonia improves for the next five she’s terrible. This dress looked absolutely OTT horrid on screen. The heavy thick straps giving her a Chinese swimmer look and with enough sparkles to make Dame Edna say ‘too much darling’. The black prints that are haphazardly sewn around the dress more resemble nasty stains than interesting design.


Young Divas

Saving the absolute best for last, these girls are glutton for punishment. Left to Right –

Kate, oh my God! - If you went to someone and said 'pick a dress for me that will accentuate all my worst bits and make me look ten times my size', this is the dress they would pick. And what is the silver thing? It looks like a misplaced chastity belt!

Emily – take one table cloth run down to Spotlight, wrap self in tulle and hey presto a formal out fit!

Paulini – The three harbingers of fashion death on either side ruin you, as does the tatty hair extensions. Also go home, stand in front of a mirror and practice posing, practice to never stand front on, practice the over the toe cross leg stance. PRACTICE!

Ricki-Lee – It’s a nice day for a white wedding. When I went to Vegas and had the best time ever because the alcohol flowed freely like a river, my sister and I decided to witness a few weddings. I truly believe that Sue Anne Jo Stanton who married Ricky Elonso Jnr with their three lovely children from four different relationships as witnesses, was wearing something very similar to Ricki-Lee’s dress. And that’s the lesson for you Ricki-Lee.