The Harsh Light of Day

Erika H

It can be cured! Like the discovery of penicillin, this my friends is a momentous day. Erika has been cured of Inappropriate-revolting-dressitis. This outfit is great – the playful black cocktail dress snazzed up with a dash of red in matching shoes and clutch. Erika, I’m so proud, I almost want to break into song, but after hearing your performance on that awful show I think we should both refrain. My only minor itsy bitsy note is the hair and makeup. A splash of red lippy would’ve been stellar and the hair is a little Noms Robson-esque – and we all know were that path leads.


Isabel Lucas

I really don’t understand. Is Sydney that unseasonable cold? If someone could explain this entire ensemble to me I’d be eternally grateful, because if I had even a smidge of the body she has I’d be in outfits that required been sewn into. My only possible answer is her publicist is making her go to these events, forcing poor little Izzy down the carpet and this is her sweet revenge. ‘I could have been home with Chris, my man hunk so take this PR bitch – shapeless Von Trapp family member climbing every mountain escape outfit!’


Kelly Smythe

Internal monologue of Kelly Smythe:

‘My new boobs so totally rock in this outfit, I’m too happy I bombed out 9K on these babies. I mean check out the fact I’m being paparazzi’d. That sooo never used to happen. And this Chanel bag I stole from my mum’s wardrobe is so vintage 80’s cool – that’s when stuff was like, OLD. I rock! With this feather I wore at Spring Racing carnival as a hat now working as brooch, that’s awesome revitalising of my wardrobe or so the Cosmo girls would say! I am like, the new Tozzi sister of the Sydney scene. I’ll teapot pose to top it of!


Lara Bingle and Jodi Gordon

This is like a side by side of good belt and evil belt. Jodi again knocks herself out of the Home and Away league, with a beautiful white dress that’s demurely belted. She red shoeses up and yes, it was a popular choice that night – it still looks great. It’s unique and stylish and her only mistake was letting Lara I’ll come to anything it doesn’t even have to be an envelope opening, seriously call me Bingle latch onto her. Why you’d decided to team white satin dress with black winter tights!! Really, why? And Lara, there is a huge bloody difference between sun kissed and solarium baked and we can tell!!!


Lee Furlong

Hi Y’all. Welcome to Las Vegas, and I’m your hostess tonight Sheree-Lyn-Ann. My dream is one day make it big in the bright lights of this big city here but for the moment, I’m just happy servin’ y’all! This little outfit here was worn by all girls before they made it big! I haven’t even ironed it cause that’d be bad luck y’all. My hair is real pretty with these here curls, I had to set them for eight whole hours! You just sit yourself right down here and enjoy the show and if y’all need anything - just holler!


Mink

This is why I’ll never, ever get a visible tattoo. You spend the rest of your life co-ordinating your outfit to match. While I commend Mink (I hear a chorus of who’s? and I don’t have an answer) for her overall theme and effort of sticking to Harley’s Going Ballgown, look behind Mink. She’s at a Lancome event, I mean really I know black and white is a restrictive dress code but skulls was her magical X factor?? This however is probably a dress Denise Richards would love to marry Richie Sambora in!


Richard E. Grant and Rachel Ward

It’s all very Sergeant Pepper meets Iskha here with both Rachel and Richard – wait don’t forget the E, must always use the E. And while on anyone else I’d really hit the roof, and I’m not even a Richard E. fan, its Rachel Ward people. She of infinite beauty and spirit. She who married Bryan Brown and wept tears of loving devotion on Denton that made us love her even more. She’s like Trudie Styler – you let her get away with just a little bit more because, it’s Rachel.


Tali J

Before you all spit your coffee through your noses in shocked horror at the disease that’s crept up Tali’s legs, fear not. Some weird Ebola Bird Flu Leg Munching disease hasn’t overtaken Australia. No, it’s actually worse – the awful weird winter stocking phenomenon continues. We’ve seen it before and I’m guessing we’re going to see it again. But that’s not the entire absurdity of this outfit – call me crazy but she looks like a new-born baby horse – granted a skanked-out East Compton call my pimp baby horse but still, she’s got massive limbs that she seems incredibly unsteady on, a drugged out where am I expression and a general fowl like feeling.


Tali Shine

So close Tali, so very, very, very close. I actually don’t mind this dress at all. It’s very beachy fun with the correct revealing clevage cover the knee rule and those shoes are so cute. I’ll bet they hurt like a bitch, but they look great. You haven’t over tanned too much either which is a bold step. It’s the handbag – why, oh why would you think bringing a radio with a strap wouldn’t go unnoticed? Did you think the event would be so boring you’d tune in a little Nova and rock out? I’m just baffled. It looks like a prop stolen from the set of Happy Days or worse, those kitschy sixties tribute diners. Just dump it in the bin on the way out and we can all be friends again.


Tiffani Wood

Tiff’s my girl I’ve decided. She obviously knows that I need people to write about and she’s offering to support me by turning up in more bizarre outfits to each event. This is number is gem! I’m flashing back to Dolly Parton and her awesome performance in ‘Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ where she was the Madam of the Ladies but was secretly in-love with just Burt Reynolds (it was when Burt had real hair and no face lift.) Seriously though, I can just imagine Tiff waving an arm Livinia style and offering me the best price for a night with one of her ladies.

PS – Still not sure what Tiff’s up to these but it seems attending things is pretty much a full time occupation.