The Harsh Light of Day

Ann Saunders

This is what always happens when newsreaders are allowed from behind the desk. They have this yearning desire to show us all how sexy they are, how hot and smoking they are, and usually it means someone gets hurt. Here Ann’s breasts are the innocent victims – squashed into her cleavage like Karl Stefanovic is squeezing himself into rainbow print outfits on that ice skating show. The dress and the pearls and hair are all very acceptable but on behalf of your breasts Ann, I’m asking you to go and change.


Cate Blanchett

It’s been such a slow week in Australia, I had to go continent hopping in search of Aussie celebs. Cate’s at the UK premiere of Little Fish, and again Cate is in a league of her own. A simple cinched black top, with plain pants and hot black peep toes – its Cate doing her ‘I’m so impossibly chic and fabulous that you’ll never ever be as good as me and I’m not even trying’ thing. My love of Cate also extends to a sharing of pale skin – however she looks ethereal and magical, I look pasty and blotchy. I guess that’s why you pay through the nose for SK II?


Hugh Jackman

Oh Hugh, how do you do that thing you do? Isn’t he just manly X-Men man-ness with vulnerable show tunes sweet heart. He also manages to cut a fine line in this grey pin strip lounge suit. He is there to support wife Deb but you just know the publicist for that little film pretty much moved heaven and earth to get Hugh there. And her efforts clearly paid off!


Jane Fleming

STOP THE MADNESS JANE! I can barely understand one wearing of a truly horrible drag queen with great legs crushed velvet dress but when Jane wears the same dress, slightly different neck and colour line, in the space of two weeks I am at loss? Anorexia inducing velvet was never, ever cool and from Jane’s embracing of it, you’d think we were in the midst summer 05/06 short invasion.


Jennifer Hawkins

Truly impractical underwear and bra set that no one will ever wear aside, what is going on here? She is the ultimate girl next door, the Alison Brahe of the 2000’s and she looks like an extra from Barbarella meets A Street Car Named Desire meets Rocky Horror Picture Show. This overcoat of tule death should be burned immediately but I fear the fire may engulf the entire eastern seaboard of Australia. And her hairdo, oh Jen the hairdo! Sarah I-make-My-Own-Money-O’Hare-but-just-for-the-future-I’ll-take-his-name-Murdoch worked so well as the Bonds spokesperson because she was herself – not some gussied up trampy alter ego.


Maria Venetti(something like that anyway)

Okay Maria, you know what, we all get it. You’ve got big boobs, oh my god, they are hanging out of your dress, that’s so shocking. This ugly as sin dress has been done so many times before that joke is just plain old and tarty, much like the person attempting to rerun the joke. It’s funny and ironic once maybe twice but when you aim to shock people – it has to be actually shocking as opposed to boring.


Juliette Lewis & Martin Henderson

I have no explanation as to why Juliette Lewis is with Martin Henderson. She’s not part of Little Fish as far as I know (she may have catered for the cast and crew but she’s not part of the team) and I don’t believe they’re dating but who knows? Still it’s never good form Juliette to bring a beer car to press photo call, call Tara Reid, she can tell you where that behaviour leads. And Martin, you look fine and stylish right up to your neck then it takes on this whole hobo homeless motif and I’m sorry but I can’t get behind that. I miss my clean cut Marty Henderson from Ten’s long forgotten but so good it’s bad Sweat – remember that Marty, you probably had to shave a bit? Please watch those tapes again and let your face relive the glory days.


Tracy Grimshaw

This is bad on so many, many, many levels. Firstly, velvet as we’ve learned repeatedly from Jane Fleming is a truly difficult fabric to wear, not for the faint hearted. This roll neck but I need to keep the tops of my shoulder cool top is truly ghastly. Then to further propel it into awfulness, Trace’s gone the full length layered skirt with Speeds court shoes. It’s like Mrs Grimshaw is heading to the School dinner dance in 1989.

If I were on a ACA right now it would something like this ‘Imagine wearing the worst outfit IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD that meant your neighbours from HELL who started WORLD WAR THREE and the dodgy chippie who stole EVERYTHING took pity on you. Stay tuned for this truly SHOCKING story,’