The Harsh Light of Day

Firstly, let’s just say people I go out of my way for Harsh Light’ers. On Monday night I found myself in Sydney and rushed through a lovely dinner to be in front of the TV and ready for Brownlow good times. SHOCK, HORROR, WAILING & TEARS were followed as I realised that Sydney don’t show the Brownlow, until 11.30pm. So I took one for the team and stayed up to watch until 2am in the morning. Dedication doesn’t come any better people


Alice B

Suffering the same crinkle cut fate as Erika Hairnets at the Logies. The truly horrible halter jewellery that looks like paper clips strung together in an elaborate fashion clashes awfully with the earrings as well. Also the handbag colour is just that tad too far off the colour she’s trying to match. Like milk left on the bench after a mad dash to work, it’s all just a bit off.


Amber Petty

Why, when most teams were only allowed to bring five players and this resorted to some generous fellows taken their own team mates instead of slutty girlfriends, is Amber Petty allowed to attend the Brownlow? I don’t for one second pretend to believe she is an entertainment reporter. That’s like saying Nelson from Sunrise is a foreign relations expert because he covers international celebs. Amber has gone all out with the purple tissue paper and what better way to follow through than with a heavy black pump. I vote you off the hardly watched celebrity island.


Amy P

As was universally conceded this was probably the most well played on the night. Classy and elegant, with enough cleavage to make her footy man happy, Amy ticked all the boxes. It does however, for some strange reason give me flashbacks to Delta Goodrem. Is Amy her long lost sister?


Anna R

See, I feel sorry for people like Anna, who have to turn up on the red carpet competing against models and brainless girlfriends who have nothing better to do with their day than primp. Clearly Anna has more important things to do, because she didn’t have time to style her hair properly, or find a dress that really fit well, and her makeup was a quick foundation wipe in the taxi.


Brendan and Alex Fevola

How to spot a bogan, CUB (cashed up bogan), or try hard wanker:

Step 1: Female’s hair will have four or five heavy thick stripes of opposing colour.

Step 2: Heavy cleavage (for Cub’s this is then tailored against in attempted classy elegance with lengthy dress)

Step 3: Bling, bling, jewellery and accessories that are really from Klein’s.

Step 4: Male’s hair is over styled to a point of stupidity.

Step 5: Said males wear clothing or stand as though they are fashion plates. Mentor: David Beckham.

Step 6: Both will be sporting ‘I’m as a dumb as I look’ expressions. See Kyle Sandilands and Tamara Jaber.


Carla Mc

In my Logies coverage I did say that Carla may be stacking on the kilos as a result of Sydney-ites being mean to Mrs McGuire. Of course, I said this jokingly and with no thought that it could be true. Well, I think it is. In the Sydney press, they slammed poor Carla, saying she looked like a Red Rooster cooked chicken. Now I don’t want to turn this into a city versus city thing but JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! Look at this woman, she’s had three kids – and they’re Eddie’s so that’s not going to be a slim line baby she’s pushing out. She looks hot and the dress is fabulously different and we in the land of fashion uniqueness will take her over your Tiffani Wood’s and Tanya Tozzi’s any day of the week.


Cassie

Sadly, Cassie Lane admitted that this dress had been purposefully made for the occasion. The next day the designer went into foreclosure. Really though, when in the history of dresses has a knee high fronted dress with dropping back train ever worked? Demi Moore will tell you all about her troubles with it. Also the lead singer of the B52’s called and wants her hairstyle back! The shoes are a plague on both her houses.


Catherine C

Having thought she was attending a Moulin Rouge party and her mock of Nicole Kidman’s Satine was pretty good, poor Catherine was rudely awakened on the red carpet. This is something Ricki Lee would wear.


Fiona D

The bio on Fiona is she’s a sports commentator. For who I don’t know but they may want to review their memo to staff on how to get attention for the show through publicity whore dressing. Fiona seems to have taken the ‘show as much skin’ clause to heart and done her best to reveal if not both breasts, one for effort’s sake.


Jo S

Look, ordinarily I would hate it. It’s tutus and side pony tails but as we learn every week here at Harsh Light, it’s often the woman who maketh the clothes. And this is Jo Bailey people, one of the first hot wives. She should begin a mentoring program to some of the little whorebags on the red carpet. ‘How to win Respect and Appear Sexy – A Lesson in Brownlow Red Carpetting’


Katie W

Everything that is wrong with footballer’s girlfriends is symbolised here, in this one ensemble. Tatty, over bleached blonde hair with stripper curls. Excessive, unnatural and gravity defying cleavage. Anatomically unachievable waists that often are achieved through questionable nutrition. Absolutely, not a single vein in her tiny lolly pop body that has any fashion sense, what-so-ever.



This is where this look ends up! Isn't that right Mrs Flutie?!


Kristie N

A gold star for Kristie, who looks lovely and sophisticated. The fantastic shape of the dress, with her restraint in hoisting her breasts over the top of the cleavage line is beautiful. Sublime hair and makeup and her not being afraid to go black means Kristie gets a tick in my book.


Lauren K

‘Grab her, shit, I didn’t see that’s what she was wearing, I was too focused on keeping my white shoes white! Quick, some one help me hold her back! Her boobs have already fallen way too far out of that crap dress. Seriously, I think she’s thinks she is the new Rebecca Twigley and I love my woman, but come on, Twiggers is another level.’


Leanne Tucker

If some one I knew was blind and asked me to describe what their friend Leanne had worn that night this would be my take on it: Peppemint colour velvet carpet with a slit up to an inappropriate level, with a singlet top of sewn together paper punch holes from all the office hole punches. The friend would then probably beat me up but at least I would have accurately described what Leanne was wearing.


Lisa Loyd

I never thought I would say this but Lisa, have a look at Tanya Buckley, that’s maternity dressing (it hurts even now). I don’t understand why a perfectly nice navy blue dress with jewellery embroidery had to be ruined, desecrated by tule tuft circles. WHY!!!!!


Mara

It should probably go that the winner on the night, should also have the best played dresser and Mara, she looked good. Sweet, innocent, pretty blonde hair with sensational red dress (team spirit = boyfriend points). And who doesn’t love hearing that after a month of dating him back in ’03 she didn’t muscle her way to the Brownlow but he took his mum instead!! Awwwhhh!


Mrs Stynes

Unusual, different, unique and you know what…I love it. She looks youthful and fresh, the shoes while not entirely red carpet, are great. The cute cap sleeves and polka dots give it all a very French, very elegant feel. Oui, Oui!


Nameless Girlfriend

I wasn’t able to get a name for this woman and considering what she’s wearing, it’s probably better I don’t. This is the ultimate Dotti/Glassons/Supre dress and the less we focus on it, the better.


Rachel McLeod

What can one say about a girl who brands herself? Is there much to say that doesn’t relate her to cattle. This is the kind of thing you come up with one night when you’re so drunk and you think saying the word ‘fork’ is hysterical. Apparently this took five hours to do, which means she’s even dumber than she looks!


Mrs Tredera

Something must be in the water in Adelaide, and not in a good way. A mutated fashion retarded gene of some kind, flowing into the drinking supply. It would explain both Mrs McLeod and Mrs watch out, you’re about to get a free lap dance courtesy of my half dress Tredea. You can just imagine her finishing up the red carpet walking inside and doing the biggest dress hike known to man!


Samantha Lane

Did they run out of sequins? Is that even possible? This could have been a really great dress for Sam, the cut of the dress was working well for her and she was looking good. It’s the crappy sheer gaze at the bottom. Its designer cost cutting and I won’t stand for it!


Olivia

Look, Olivia just had a baby, like only a couple of weeks ago, so already it must be hard. Still there are much better ways to dress around a post pregnancy. Vapid blue with attention drawing drapery across your stomach is really only one step away from a pointing neon arrow to said problem area. The length of the dress only further enhances the problem of making her look like a dowdy electric blue sack.


Sonja R

Firstly, ID check please. Come on, these two must be a combined age of what, 12? Secondly, and I hate to be nasty (oh I love it), maybe Sonja should have gone over the underarms with Venus before heading out the door. The five o’clock shadow should only rest on the man sweetie.


Stephanie M

Oh Stephanie, Stephanie. I feel like it’s a hard slog, and we’re slowly learning things together but overall you’re not hearing me. I too suffer from many of your problems when it comes to dressing. Heavy, big boobs – yes sir; stomach of flub (not quite flab, not quite tub), yes me too. But there are dresses in the world that help hide not accentuate. This sarong you’ve wrapped around yourself, is very pretty pattern but not a dress. It doesn’t do you any favours, however as in recent times, it’s not your worst, which leads me to our learning lessons. Your home work for this week, bra shopping.


Susie Kouta

A number of questions arise from looking at this puzzle of a dress…why so many crappy sequined brooches? Why so many prom queen layers? Why the crazy someone knifed my dress, slash across the cleavage? Why a bag that matches nothing at all on your dress? Why Susie, why?


Tania Hird

While most of the senior ladies performed above and beyond, Tania let the team down in a very un-Hird like way. This outfit is what synchronized swimmers wear right before they jump in the pool. I’m actually waiting for her to rip of the dress, revealing her sparkly bathers, dive into the fountains at Crown and perform Swan Lake, An Aquatic Journey.


Tanya Buckley

I never, ever, in my wildest, crazy, one day I’ll rule the world dreams would I ever think I’d say this. Tanya Buckley you look good. Great colours, with fantastic hair (Mrs Hird take note), demure bump dressing (Mrs Lloyd take note) and good use of pre baby cleavage without being over the top (Mrs B Spears take note). How long this maternity induced fashion joy will last, who knows but here’s hoping.