The Harsh Light of Day

Charlie Brown

Take away all the accessories, remove every single one and it would be okay. But alas, we can’t and Charlie maybe wishes in retrospect she could. Starting with the smallest offensive and working my way up – the shoes with the cross over leopard print tab, interesting but I just assume they are the slippers with tails at the end. The weird leopard print chef’s hat and that’s attempting to pretend it also is a race hat. Dr Burke aka McChokey wears a similar type of hat and print – FOR SURGERY. And finally the leopard print continues its reign of terror with the handbag. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie – that handbag is a Toorak mother step away from having your own face imprinted on a bag. In fact maybe you’re being metaphoric with your dressing and you’re really just saying that on the inside ‘I'm a leopard!’


Dave Hughes and Lady Love

Firstly is Dave Hughesy dying to be a father? Is he feeling the parenting pull now that fellow radio host Kate’s knocked up again? Because this constant need to grab the lady’s stomach region is weird and a little creepy when there is no baby. Secondly, is the lady love committing a crime later in the day? Some sort of heist caper going down? Cause the cat napper gloves and rolled up balaclava indicted a bit of criminal intent.

Gemma G

After the monstrosity of the crushed velvet affair Gemma took a good a hard look at herself. Some how she concluded this was an appropriate way to return to fashion form. Mismatching hat and shoes, hoisted cleavage and enough necklaces to set off the metal detectors at any prison. Way too fight back Gemma!


Jane Fleming

I applaud Jane’s craftiness. Simply stunning, is the amount of patience she must have had to sit in the public toilet and slowly pull each piece of flimsy, tear-any-minute tissue toilet paper and fashion it into a dress. Really that takes some doing people and we shouldn’t be afraid to recognise that. I think if I was on Survivor, Jane might be my castaway of choice. What with her ability to run fast and make toilet paper dresses.


Jennifer Adams

[Heralding trumpets]

Lords, Ladies, Sires, Sirs, Good Madam’s, Gentlemen and Noble Steads. May I present on this night of great occasion, Lady Adams of the North. She of the forest and twigs, she of the berries and earth. Her heritage and great skills in finery dressing, make her a truly welcome addition to the court. Her yellow sash presents her a partially available conquest for young gentlemen to pursue. Her headdress indicates her Northern Forest upbringing and a plentiful Dowry is sure to be offered by her family. Most pleasant and bountiful evening to you all and Good nigh.


Jennifer Hawkins

[Shaking fists to the God’s above] NOOOOO, man she was so close, so close to a perfect spring run! Every day before had be unique and pretty but today, oh today. The dress looks like she bought it off eBay and it was originally some awful putrid green then Jen thought craftily, she could dye out. Alas, she left it in the bucket too long and it stained into this! Then to add injury to insult – she spent the morning plucking a dog for shoe decorations. Why!!!! PS What business does red have to do with that dress? Nothing, run away red, run and save your colour self.

Kate Alexa

The dress is deceptively average. Just glancing you think oh, boring black dress but nothing too bad. LOOK AGAIN, it’s some weird multi storey carpark with five layers and belt thrown in for good measure. Then just because she thought why not crap on crap, the tulle tied in a bow for a hat? Sure Kate, nice one.

Kim Watkins

Appealing to her audience like no other presenter ever has, Kim has decided to come as dowdy, dumpy housewife. The dress is incredibly unflattering – adding about ten kilos to her waist and giving David Reyne even more reason to be bitchy. Also the Flock of Seagulls hat, man is that special – in a Wildlife of Australia kind of way.

Krista Vendy

Cheap! It’s all I see, hear, think and believe when I look at this outfit. Cheap stiff structured fabric with Kleins on sale $40 hat cheap. Aren’t you supposed to be a Hollywood connected starlet now Krista? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Kylie Gillies

Hello Ladies, I’m your Avon representative and have I got some great specials for you. No, Pam, this coral peach lipstick is far more your colour. And for the cup this year Sheryl, this headpiece I’m wearing is a fantastic go anywhere, do anything number – it might even get you into a marquee! Just kidding. Make sure though, not to get your hair caught in it, as you’ll see mine is stuck and I may have to rip out my hair to take this off later but for the bargain price of three easy payments of $69.95, it’s so worth it.

Lindy Rama

Axing the baldy aka Michael Klim, Lindy looks divine. In fact, this is way to work a lacy number that Kate Bosworth couldn’t. Clearly, one must be the size of a pencil but unlike Kate, Lindy’s a freshly sharpened 2H instead of dull blunt 3B. Well done your Highness Princess Lindy.

Livinia Nixon

Poor old, Livy. She’s just so nice and lovely, and sweet and girl next door and BORING! This is a Christmas party picnic for the mum’s and dad’s at the local primary school. This isn’t Oakes Marquee hotness, don’t try and copy this look at home ladies, cause I’m out of your league. I could wear this and look just as good, and that is a failure. Coz if celebrity dress is anything it has got to be unachievable damn it!

Sonia Kruger

I must say that Sonia has been a pretty fierce contender over the Carnival session. Without the freshness of Jennifer Hawkins, Sonia has still provided some pretty hot outfits and this little spring delight isn’t at all bad. Yes, it is a little to green thumb gardening show for some, but overall the awesome shape and funky pockets that actually work and demure hat provide Sonia a nice little outfit.


Young Divas

Oh my lovely ladies again make it a special day for me. This time no one escapes a word or two because crimes are being committed all over the shop.

Ricki-Lee – Darling, sweetie, honey. What the? with the black shoes. Also the Pomerian Dog on the head is not a hat.
Kate – Strapless dresses do you NO favours, and no matter how much Ricki Lee tries to convince you to wear one, it’s only to make herself look better. Also your dress got caught in the lawnmowers this morning, might want to check that before you leave the house next time.
Emily – Man Emily, don’t you wish I wrote these things on the day because if I had, you would have escaped judgement. However, while cringing through parts of the ABBA special on Sunday, I noticed you had EXACTLY THE SAME outfit on. Speak to Toni Pearen, you can’t recycle outfits in such a short amount of time. Do we have to go back to school on this? Length of wear (hour) = next time you wear it again (months). Emily’s sum 4 hours = 4 months.
Paulini – I’ve decided the entire Diva camp must not have had full length mirrors in their rooms because those are quite possibly the ugliest shoes, in the history of shoes.