The Harsh Light of Day

I'm sure you probably saying: 'What's going on? It's Monday, not Wednesday! What the hell? Have I slept through the past few days? I don't understand! You've thrown my entire week out, hell! Now I'm going to have to pretend to laugh at my expenses account on Monday and not Wednesday and people might catch on - ARRGHH!'

Well there is rhyme to my reason, Spring Racing week is so massive that each day is going to need its own special coverage. Yes, I’m that dedicated folks, I’m getting the coverage done. And for those in the Birdcage on Tuesday, watch out cause I’m coming in. Yes, that’s right, I’ve found a way in (EL shoutout!) and I’m coming ready to judge. In fact, I will be at Flemington for Cup, Oaks and Stakes day and I will be covering every area of the track so don’t think you can hide. It’s not that easy! Betcha want to know what I’m wearing?…well, it’s- sorry, I’m like Sydney Bristow, you won’t see me coming.


Ada & Mark

Flying the Home & Away flag these two don’t actually look that bad. I’ve never been a fan of boys in white suits, I’m sure it has something to do with Miami Vice but let’s forget that. Still, Mark manages to carry it off nicely and while Ada’s dress isn’t setting my heart on fire, it could be a whole lot worse. My only word of warning Mark, the sideburns – yes, I know you think they are cool but the last TV celeb to sport sideburns just got booted for inappropriate displays of his ‘other’ sideburns.


Alex

Some people would look stupid in this getup, some guys I would refer to as hot shoe shufflers who have stepped forward from the Chorus Line. Alex however, works it like the hot piece of Euro class he is. Is it the smouldering dark looks? The cheeky bad boy grin? In the US the ladies swoon over Julian McMahon, imagine how much they’d like Alex.


Alison Cratchley

If you watched the Channel Seven coverage, you’d swear the All Saints team were the only celebrities attending Derby. Alison was one to feature prominently and so I was afforded a long, in action, viewing of the dress and while the dress itself is lovely and the scarf she’s adorned with it is elegant and girl pretty, I can’t for the life of me explain the pink shoes. On the coverage she explained them as a desire for colour, well, Alison, we all have desires but most of the time these are NOT met – I should know. These shoes have no place with the dress or fascinator, no place at all!


Amber Petty

I think clothes rebel against Amber Petty. I think in the wardrobe they all get together and chat about what faux celebrity she is and decided to look ugly and cheap on her body because they feel embarrassed to be associated with her. That’s why she’s got cheap Wal Mart red shoes and bag. My favourite in rebelling clothes is the hat which is a bastard child of a top hat and cowboy hat with wannabe flowers.


Andrea Bowen

There’s always a dodgy celebrity isn’t there. The person who half the room spends the day guessing who they are. Andrea I feel will grace our presence in ten years time in a Who Weekly special, Where Are They Now, and Andrea will be making clay bowls and talking about how fame was so stressful she stepped away – the readers will still be thinking to themselves, Who are You? The outfit itself fits this theme wonderfully, very blah. It’s completely okay and completely un-offensive but it’s completely boring and bland.


Anneleise Subert

Look, I’m all for more pale people on red carpets. I’m paler girl myself I feverously wait for the day that I can stop Holiday Skinning myself. Anneleise is not helping the pale women cause, I’d go as far to say she’s set us back a step or two. And Anneleise's other fatal error (and it seems a permanent affliction) is her terrible shoes. It looks like a Fiji banana leaf class has banded together to weave a set of heels.


Anne Marie Cooksley

Derby Day is traditionally black and white day and I completely understand that most people dressed that way. I also understand we all can’t march to same belting bongo drums. However, in an effort to bring colour and splash to the day, Anne Marie murdered Big Bird and used his remains as hat/fascinator. I don't understand that.


Catriona Rowntree

Looking lovely and dressing so beautifully for her shape. It’s nice to see her va va vooming it up but I do question the hat, it seems a little breeze would either send Catriona sailing away or having her receive satellite television through her head.


Erin McNaught

In one way, you have to applaud Erin. For stretching out her fifteen minutes and when the origins of her fame is the fact she LOST, well it’s quite an achievement to get a spot at Race Day. Still dresses like this won’t achieve further longevity for her faux-fame. It’s a plain old white dress that seems to have been paper creped in some odd pattern that draws ones attention straight to her downstairs flat.


Jane Fleming

Clearly Jane is attached to one design, one style and one look. Slinky, form fitting longer dress with a pointy matching colour shoe. It’s fine Jane really, but it’s all bloody boring. Yes, you look good for someone your age but seriously, it’s blah, blah. Also, the big floppy hat – when you are your own marquee then you’ve got too far.


Jennifer Hawkins

Perfect! Preppy chic, the hair very Marissa Cooper (RIP) and the cute little dress are all bravo. My only slight question is the shoes, they are a little too clunky but still, tiny, tiny note on a very nice start to what will be a busy week for Miss Universe.


Jessica Rowe

Oh Jess, how cute are you. With your little baby bump – I look more pregnant after eating one Sakata. This use of colour is great for a day of black and white domination. The head piece is not fantastic but with short hair I imagine it must be hard and of course, you don’t want to not hat it up. Overall, well done to you, and your little bump too.


Jolene

This dress really could have gone either way and unfortunately for Jolene it went down hill. The dress is okay, but it’s very 50’s picnic, very Charlotte York-McDougall-Goldenblatt on a shopping trip, not a glamorous race outfit. The hat is also questionable, it doesn’t really go with the dress and is at an odd angle on her head. Maybe she should turn around and use the resourceful stall behind her.


Kate Bosworth Outfit 1

Was the pressure to wear an Australian designer so much that Kate decided to steal the backdrop curtains from the Motorola marquee? I hated this outfit as well as the headpiece thing. I mean seriously, is she pledging allegiance to the Star Trek Enterprise and its intergalactic members? And PS if she is so touchy about people photographing her bony little back, don’t stand against a bank of mirrors!


Kate Bosworth Outfit 2

A little more acceptable but the major problem here is Kate. The dress is a beautiful piece of lacy work but it just hangs off Kate. I think it would have more curves hanging in a wardrobe than on her. And yes, I realise how harsh that is to say but look at the name of the website – I ain’t kidding.


Kate Ritchie

Poor Kate, I’ve been heaping high standards on her and recently she’s been head butting the bar that I’ve set too high. Maybe she thought this unique hat would help her clear it, something sassy and forward thinking. Well sorry Kate, again the bar is just a tad high for you today – the only thing I’m saying is ‘clambake’, ‘lobster shell’ and ‘seafood buffet.’


Katrina Warren

See I like it all, it’s quite different to anything else on the day. It’s a nice introduction of colour while still having white. My one and only problem is the hat, it’s size is completely wrong for her head and makes Katrina look like an uneven lollipop, just about ready to topple over.


Kerrie-Anne

Oh Kerrie, my little spastic colour queen. You of the bright fluro flavours and inappropriate cleavage for a woman your age. You, that wears the stockings which are clearly not your natural skin tone. You with a dead pink parakeet in your hair. You, Kerrie-Anne are something special.


Laura Csortan

Laura’s had a rough few weeks from me, I’ve been particularly harsh and Laura, like the game day player that you have proved yourself to be, you’ve stepped up admirably. This cute spunky little number shows off your best assets without showing them off, a past mistake. You look polished and not over tanned and you are winning back my love.


Nicky Whelan

Too Much – A Poem

Too much hair and too much hat
Too much tits, too much ass
Too much tan, too much lycra
Too everything, not enough class


Sass and Bide

Here is where I may diverge wildly from my colleagues in saying that these girls and their ‘funky’ clothes are just sometimes plain stupid. All this rolled in my closest and this is what stuck dressing doesn’t impress me…sorry. In Sass’s defence, she’s donned a hat and so I think great. The fact the hat looks like she’s about to launch hunting season at Buckingham Palace is neither here nor there. However Bide, really doesn’t seem to have made much effort at all, no hat, hair thrown back willy nilly. The ladies of the VRC should tut their heads in shame.


Shelley Croft

Roll up, Roll up, it’s the incredible stripped woman. With stripes going everywhere, she’s a sight to be seen. And while you pay 5c per viewing checking out the crazy, wacky shoes of matching colours. That’s right folks, stripes are going crazy here, don’t miss it!


Simone Warne

Either Simone’s been attacked by the Bundy drop bears or Tom Williams and his jumpin jive cats have convinced Simone to join their gang and she’s the top broad.


Stephanie

I’m going to have to be plainly explicit with Steph, it’s seems the only way to reach her.

Good
Colour – works well for you.
Length – perfect for a hippier girl and the cap sleeves work well.
Hair – classy and not stringy and unkempt

Bad
Headpiece – if it slips any further down, it will be an eye patch.
Shoes – Clumpy heavy shoes that drag the entire thing down.
Bra – Please wear one, please. It will make it fun for Nick to take off later.