The Harsh Light of Day

Colette Dinnigan

Good old Collie, she’s clearly stuck with the New York Fashion week motto. Thou shalt be doe eyed and demure. Thou shalt have lengthy un-functionally long Rupunzel-esque hair. Thou must and shalt forever wear tights/leggings/spray-ons of black. It shalt only be black, do not deviate from black. Fashion = black.


Candice Falzon

Oh good God! Will this never die! It is heartening to see that only bogan D to E listers have put on the beach blanket come dress. But seriously ladies, do you not see it, when you leave the house? Do you not see the floaty material and plunging neckline and way too high hemline that all means, beach, beach, beach. Please see it!


Grant Wing’s Date (I think that's his name?)

Obviously Grant’s date go so revved up about attending a fashion show. She consulted all her friends asking ‘what’s in at the moment, what’s cool?’ A varied list of responses must have come back. One was sure to say – ‘Oh Mod, 70’s mod is so in.' Hence the dress. Another must have said ‘bootie shoes, it’s very Grey’s Anatomy goes formal’. And another ‘distressed leather handbag, Target do some good knock offs try there!’


Ian Thorpe

Firstly Ian, no one’s buying it okay. Really, you’ve retired, you can stop trying to sell us on this ‘straight’ thing. I don’t think people are convinced. Secondly, do you ever wear sunscreen? It seems that whenever you appear on the red carpet, you face is a reflective red as .. well something really red. You could maybe talk to Megan Gale, she’s got that zinc stuff, I’m sure she’d be happy to loan a tube.


Blonde Beer Girl

A complete advancement for intelligent women everywhere. This is the girl who won that publicity stunt Bondi Beer thing on New Year’s Day when the Devil came to town aka Paris. I’m not going to bother to learn her name because unless she Bingers herself, the 15 mins should be more 15 seconds. In her fashion defense she is attending Ruby Red’s party, which from what I understand is the poor wannabe cousin of Pussy Cat Dolls former venue (you know when they were Burlesque dance group and actually had talent).


Krystal

Following from one wannabe to another. Look her, with her ‘I’m on my way to celebrity status stance!’ A tick at least for putting the surgically enhanced ladies away. A massive cross and failing grade for the orange legs and Supre boots. Also the Fanta orange legs aren't making friends for you Krystal.


Kate Ritchie

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! SALLY FLETCHER!! I don’t want to point out the obvious, so I’m not going to say anything. Just a few, bizarre, un crackable phrases, like on Lost.

Cleavage …scar…explainable reduced bust size…happy Kate.

Oops did I say too much? Probably not, I’m sure you’ll just read between the lines, you smart readers you!


Kathryn Eisman

Ladies and Gentlemen, I pronounce myself at a loss. For months now we’ve seen Kathryn grace our red carpet. She’s showed us some pretty interesting numbers, recycled a few way too early but hey at least she’s making an appearance (Tiffani Wood, I know you just got married but come back, come back I beg you!). Still, Kathryn and her stooping is now infamous, well in my mind it is. I think maybe she’s a bobble head. Hence she can never quite hold her head up straight.


Megan Gale and Andy Lee

Oh Megs and Andy. What a little Aussie couple! She’s got a great red dress on and he’s casual behind the scenes supportive boyfriend in jeans and shirt. On the flip side, is it just me or is Megan a little more bogan, a little less European and cool, now she’s ditched the hot Italian and moved back here. And on the flip side of that, how great is Andy Lee feeling at the moment! How much is the dude who used to play in the pub band in my local loving that he’s pulled Megan Gale! That’s right people, I spotted that first, way back when, Cleo ain’t got nothing on my search capabilities!


Michelle Walsh

Kate Ritchie made the bow work so well at the Logies and I commented she was lovely little present to herself. Michelle is actually a literal present. It’s like she found the leftover Christmas decorations from the David Jones’ window and hey presto it’s a dress. Also I don’t think you can appreciate how horrific the dress is until you notice the mess adjoining top area. Oh yeah, that’s style ladies.


Peter Morrissey’s Date

I didn’t know Camilla Parker Bowles was in the country? And she’s taken some tips from the kiddies and popped on some leggings. Yes, they are a little Grease lightening but she’s royalty. Wonder what Charles is wearing?


Raen

Like the opaque tights are page 1 of the Aussie IT girl handbook (Abbie Cornish, Rose Byrne and Emily Barclay hello!), it must be in every girl band group handbook pg 1: You must all wear unique outfits supplied from a cheap and tacky store. Be sure to go overboard on the latest trends, belted dress, cinching material, boots and lacy prints. You should also always put the largest member of the group is something so unflattering she looks twice the size of everyone else. Well Raen, tick page 1 of the handbook off.


Sam Brett

This person makes me quite mad, so I will refrain from getting too out of control!! But for just a second, indulge me – YOU ARE NOT CARRIE BRADSHAW, YOU ARE NOT SARAH JESSICA PARKER, YOU ARE NOT CANDANCE BUSHNELL, YOU ARE NOT PLUM SYKES.

Phew that feels better. For someone who is supposed to be the cool, edgy, hip girl about town, Sam looks strangely like Dannii Minogue just before she left YTT. Including the bubble skirt and massive fringe.


Sarah Murdoch

Another one bites the dust. This makes me sad, because I loved Sarah, I did. She had a beautiful dressing sense and her recent outtings were lovely. But like all those who have come before her and then felt my pressure she falters. I kinda get it, but that could just be my desire to not attack it. Basically, Sarah, honey, there’s a slit in your top! Are you Superman about to break out the cape? Also, we can really see the bra, like not seductive underneath see it but really see it.


Sharni Vision

Okay Sharni it’s time we had a talk. I know we’ve spoken before but you’re not hearing me and that’s a problem. More for you than me. Firstly, positive feedback. You’ve stepped down the orange, good girl. Although I do see the face and arms don’t match the feet. Now the negative – are you ready Sharni? The head band is revolting, no witty pun needed, it’s just plain ugly. The knit shrug-a-thing was fine, until the very moment you decided to tie it up! Why? The stone wash jeans do nothing for you, nothing. And finally, what, in the name of the Summer Bay caravan park is on your feet? Mad Max having a reunion? Janet Jackson reforming the Rhythm Nation? As Alf would say ‘Flamin’ hell, you pack of galas!’


Susie Wilks

I think we need to sit a few people down and have chat about tanning levels and overall coverage. We can tell it’s not real when it doesn’t really match your face. Susie also, isn’t it about time you showed us something different? We’ve seen those legs a hundred times in the shorts. We get it, they are good. But variety is the spice of life, so spice it up Suz.