Wednesday, February 28, 2007
OSCAR MANIA!!! Part 2
Jennifer Hudson
Once inside the venue, Miss Hudson came to her senses because we never saw the caplet of death. It would be perfect, perfect for the local High School musical of Mad Max or We Will Rock You, but a red carpet, no Jenny darling, no.
Jennifer Lopez
Marc: Look Jen, honey look, look over here. See, look, you look good, see I did well. I pointed out the photographer, I made press for you. Sorry, I know I’m leaning heavily on you but I haven’t eaten anything since November. Sorry, you, focus on you. You honey, you look great. This is the look you’ve been trying to achieve for three years running and you’ve finally got it. Those blogs will mention you in a good way honey, see more press for you.
Jada Pinkett Smith
Jada’s internal monologue
Yes, Will, I get it, your famous, I really get it – okay! Yes, I know, I’m supposed to be an actress too and isn’t that, well HA HA! And I know that I’m wearing Julia Louis Dryfeus ugly as sin Globes dress with a train, I know that! Not everyone can be as disarming and charming and liked by everyone cause he’s funny! Hell, you were in INDEPENDENCE DAY! Yeah, funny Will, go right ahead.
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
There are a few things we can learn from John and Kelly by looking at this picture.
1 – Animal print, should under no circumstance be allowed at the Oscars. Unless it’s a viewing party being held in Caroline Springs. And only then because it’s Caroline Spring.
2 – John and Kelly whilst insanely rich are savers. Note the economical use of the same hair colour between two people (spotted EL)
3 – John is the devil in disguise, like literally. The oddly shaped fringe, I believe is masking horns. Just a theory people but be warned.
4 – Kelly has terrible taste in men. Before John, she was engaged to Charlie Sheen.
5 – John Travolta of Grease era is a fantasy of sexual machismo we will never see again. Like a comet, gone too soon.
Katie Holmes
Before I get pelted with olives and boo-ed and people run screaming from this site never to return again, let’s just say it’s been a big day and maybe my judgement has been skewed by Diet Coke overload but I kinda like it. And, heaven forbid, I kinda like Tom and Katie together at the VF party and I kinda liked his presenting. They lost the puppy fat, the intense crazy eyed gleam has gone from his eye and I don’t know, for some reason, I have a weird feeling this contract she’s signed could see them lasting at least five years. And I kinda don’t mind it.
Kate Winslet
Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – sorry what? Nothing then? Okay. Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – WHAT! I can’t look at it, it’s giving me fashion narcolepsy, it’s so snoozy. Kate, my divine queen, who usually shines in refined classy elegance is helping me sleep better at night in this outfit beca-snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Liv Tyler
I shouldn’t by normal standards like this, but Liv wears it. She looks free spirited and radiant, the demure colour doesn’t drown her, it completes her. I want her shoulder shrugging happiness to be bottled and sent to Britney in rehab. I also wouldn’t mind her body to be packed up and sent to me, so I can rock it like Liv Tyler every day but hey, science will figure it out for me.
Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts
NK: Hey bitch!
NW: What was that for?
NK: You damn well know.
NW: Know what?
NK: Oh don’t play my publicist won’t confirm with me, Wattie, I can see it!
NW: See what?
NK: The god damn baby! You’re pregnant. You know the rules. I’m THE Aussie here. Not you, you’re just an indie girl.
NW: You want to start this now Bon-Bon?
NK: What is that supposed to mean!
NW: Nothing! I’ll just make sure to set the table for Christmas with you on the same side as everyone’s fork. Do you have a toy monkey and Christmas hat up your ass?
NK: How well did King Kong do again?
NW: What country were you supposed to be from in The Interpreter?
NK: Quick, smile camera!
Natalie Portman
I love Natalie, I love her style, I love her ability to transform from child actress to adult, I love her taste in men – hello Jake G and Gael Bernal Garcia. Still Natalie, I don’t love this. I see how it started off well, I do, but then someone decided to add pockets on the side and now you just remind me of a ticket inspector on the trams and you make me feel guilty for sometimes not validating my ticket and it’s a vicious cycle and that’s not what fashion is. Also for someone who is notoriously tiny, it takes a fairly chunky ankle strap to give you biggish calves.
Oprah Winfrey
I’m not afraid of Oprah, I’m not. Her practically owning all the money ever made doesn’t scare me. Which is why many won’t believe me when I say I actually like this outfit. It’s completely complimentary to her figure, the colours are unique and snazzy. Her hair is fairly natural and not overally styled. She’s working it! And it has nothing to do with the fact that everything belongs to Oprah. Everything.
Penelope Cruz
Poor Penn coped a beating by most people for this number. People related it to Bjork’s outfit from a few years back. Hello to these people, do you have eyes? This is the outfit, you wear when you’re nominated. This is the outfit. It’s like there’s only one day, maybe two days, that you can wear a white dress and a veil. Penny rocks a perfect awards gown! Yes, of course, a trip to the Coles to pick up a loaf of bread isn’t the idea of this outfit, but I think Penny gets that!
Rose McGowan
Rose, was once upon a promising little starlet. Then she ran into Marilyn Manson, and he stole five years and her dignity. Then she freed herself and went to work with the tramps (sorry) ladies on Charmed. Here’s what happens with prolonged exposure to Alyssa Milano. Tony Danza barely lived to tell the tale. It gets worse --- if you can bare it, take a look:
MY EYES, MY EYES! It’s good to see the Tara Reid’s dodgy plastic surgeon has found work, along with Anna Nicole Smith’s make up artist – the clown one!
Reese Witherspoon
From the beast to the beauty, Reese was my Best on Ground. She is just fabulous post Ryan and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, the hair. I would do it myself but I’d look stupid. The dress is a fantastic floaty blue into purple and it’s magical and transforming and if Reese were to start a religion I’d join.
Sarah Michelle Gellar
I hope Buffy’s pregnant. I hope she’s knocked Prinze up good. I want a baby Slayer. I want to see them running around. I want to see massively tall Freddie with a tiny baby in his arms. I want Buffy to be happy. I want all this because it would then excuse the fact she’s wearing a shower curtain.
Suzanne Somers
After trying to move those pesky ab crunchers and not really having success, Suz moved her hand to wedding cake designs. Her Marketing Manager suggested boldly to begin wearing the designs. Suz was struck with what a brilliant piece of viral marketing this was and set to work immediately.
Zoey Deschanel
Against everything that I am, I really like this. It’s kicky and kooky and Zoey isn’t an Ashlee Simpson wannabe cool girl, she is. She wears a pair of opaques appropriately. The dress is funky cool, and her make up is pitch perfect. She is right now, the ultimate cool girl at school, who smokes in the art department and rights deep poetry and mocks her Mischa Barton-esque counterpart and everyone is scared of her but secretly wants to be her.
Zin Zgyhing (something like that)
I can’t really critique this, because it makes me so hungry. A vanilla tart. It’s all I want, with icing sugar sieved over the top. A dolp of cream. Yum. Sorry chick but your dress is a dessert. And that's all I have to say about that.
