The Harsh Light of Day

To start of proceedings an apology - no, sorry starlets not to you, but readers to you. Another late one this week, but to remedy this, in the future, I moving posting to Sunday's. It means I've got a whole day to procrastinate now. It also means something to look forward to on Monday.


Alison Cratchley

Arrgh! Shivers me timbers, it’s almost Pirates of the Caribbean time and me blessed Mary, Johnny Depp is back in town. Do ya think if I dress this way, I might be in for a chance to replace Keira I’m too good for Johnny and Orlando Knightley. Maybe a wooden leg will do the trick?



Alex Dimitrades

Hey Alex, can you grab me a vegie pizza with no olives. What? You’re not running out to get pizza? You’re on a red carpet? Are you sure? Really? Cause I really will pay you back for the pizza, I promise. Okay, you stick with that red carpet story then.

Alana Valentine

Suspenders are hard. Hard work for the pants they hold up, and hard work for the shirt they flatten over. In fact, unless you’re auditioning for either Naughty Teachers and Their Night Time Fantasies or one of the Lollipop Kids in Oz then really, you’ve no business wearing them.


Bessie Bardot

Good old Bessie, she is a trusty and reliable as the day is long. Without doubt, I think I can be sure that Bess will turn up to any event, be it day or night with lengthy, lengthy neckline, the same slick back blonde Bond girl look and an outfit that’s ruined by accessories. The white belt today is the culprit, but really, we all know who the real culprit is, yes, we do.


Candice Falzion

I’d love to rush to Candy’s defence and say that shortly after this photo was taken, she rushed screaming from the carpet, realising that she’d torn her dress on the way to the venue. Yes, she’d thought the breeze had been very fresh prior to walking the carpet but hadn’t been able to explain it. Sadly, I can not say these things as this people, was intentional. I know, counselling is available for all those who seek it.

Erika Hairnets

If you look very hard into Erika’s dress and squint for like five minutes, you’ll see…absolutely nothing. No, people, Erika’s dress is not a magic eye puzzle, although she might want to start spreading that story because the amount of people who are going to sue after looking at this picture and getting a migraine, is mounting. Also, the Air Pacific ladies thank you for flying with them but would like their hat back, they have a flight to catch.

Erin McNaught

Bless Erin and her poor little misguided heart. I can actually see how this dress started off some place normal. The details on the cleavage area is actually quite nice and if it had been left alone would have been fine. But no, some over the top design student from RMIT went a little mad and added belts and ruffles and contradicting patterns and before you know it, it’s a right royal mess. From small things, big things grow – doesn’t mean these big things are good.


Fiona Faulkiner

Look, it pains me to say it (not really, but I’ll pretend) Fee, darling one, maybe it’s time to have a little less time focusing on becoming an E grade celeb and maybe, working a bit more on the diet. Seriously, I’m sure the canapes are lovely, and the food at these dinners are good too but what would Trainer Bob say. Otherwise, you end up like this and have people looking at your picture and wondering was it a two jug minimum that night?


Kathryn Eisman

Loathe as I am to do it, sometimes I must give credit where credit is due, and I, will say that yes, Kathryn does look quite nice here. Okay, so the cleavage is a little hiked and the skin is a little Fanta but in general, the gold, black dress is great and she is blessed be, standing up straight! For Kathryn, this is a marked improvement.


Kate Waterhouse

Okay people, this belt thing is getting out of hand. I mean truly, how far away can we be from people heading down to Coles in trackies and jumper and a belt around their waist? Some dresses Kate, are perfectly okay to not have a belt, not everything comes with a belt, our ancestors survived for years without them, I think maybe, together we can too.


Shari-Lee Hitchcock

Just ignore Lizzy Buttrose in the cream, take a little look to the right. Man that’s an outfit! I mean Shari, I thought you brought something hooker special to the Spring Racing Carnival but boy, I am glad to see you are preparing to bring that something special to Sydney’s Easter Carnival. I’m so ready to see what’s next. If this Deadwood southern dame belle is the opening act then bring on the main numbers!


The Minogues

‘Kyleeeeeeeeeee! God, I thought we discussed this.’
‘Sorry, I can’t hear you over the flash bulbs.’
‘You said you wouldn’t steal my thunder this time.’
‘Sorry Debbie, what now?’
‘It’s Danii, and you said, you would slip into Melbourne and no one would ever know you’re here.’
‘Why would I say that, every one in Australia loves me.’
‘Yeah but they’re supposed to love me too. I’m in Australia’s Got Talent and people thought maybe I was like, being ironic about my talent.’
‘You’ve got talent?’
‘Yes Kylie, I do!’
‘Really, in that beanie?’
‘Shut up! It’s cool.’
‘Sure it is.’
‘Tell me what happened to Frenchie again!’
‘Tell me about Julian McMahon.’

Natarsha Belling

I think poor Tarsh, got very confused by whole bathers, Gold Coast glamour launch thing and actually came dressed in what she thought was Gold Coast glamour. It’s like she was given twenty minutes in down town Surfers Paradise with twenty dollars and this is what she came up with. Which would have been fine if it were some crazy Shopping for Love thing but unfortunately for Tarsh, it’s not.

Rachel Hunter

Fantastic legs aside, can someone actually remind me when Rachel was actually that famous. I don’t remember her being Elle big, but this past week, you’d think she was better than Elle/Jennifer Hawkins and Olivia Newton John combined. Plus work for the PR team. The stylist however, looses points for this disco ball number. It only shows of Rach’s legs, which yes are sightly, but does nothing, nothing at all for the rest of her.


Mrs Fenech

When they say it fits like a glove, sometimes that’s not the best thing in the world. Although it does give us fantastic insight into why Jeff married the Mrs. Even ex boxers need punching bags.


Tali Jatali

When I was at school, at the beginning of every year I would start anew, believe I would work hard and focus. This inexplicably started with organising my pencil case, writing my name on all my books in big balloon letters and wrapping my folders in colourful contact. I’d usually have a colour for each subject, Maths was red, PE usually blue, and Science was Green. Tali’s dress is the contact covering from my Year Eight Science folder.



The Black Dress
Anneleise Brakensack, Charlotte Dawson & Melissa Doyle

AHA! It’s working, those celebs are hearing me, they see my advice as being harsh, yet right! Only two weeks again, Miss Candice Alley received big ticks from me for her beautiful black dress and what do we see, everyone’s gone black dress crazy. Candice should be extra proud because she still looks the best, by far. Still ladies, it’s good to see you’re hearing me but maybe, we might take the tips and adapt them to a new dress. Not just copy someone. Lessons to learn for everyone.