The Harsh Light of Day

Courtney Act & Bessie Bardot

I know, I know, I know, you can’t actually see what either Courtney or Bessie are wearing but that’s not the point. You may ask why Courtney and Bessie are on a panel together? Feminist themes in contemporary fiction of Austen? The Frank Gehry effect on American architecture and its global reflections? The modern charity giver’s choices with their investment dollars and the third world ripple? No my friends, Court and Bess were judges at a fashion show – yes, these two …um…ladies. Miss Tic Tac Necklace and White Afro. It’s so wrong, it’s like Mother Theresa being a guest judge on Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.


Bianca Dye

I wanna like it, I really do because thinking back, I haven’t been very kind to Ms Dye here. I’m sure she’s lovely, really, I’m sure she’s a regular hoot. But she does have little problem dressing, specifically today the accessories. While the dress is actually quite okay, it really has nothing to do with the handbag and flapper headband from last seasons Sass + Bide catwalk.


Deni Hines & Peter Garrett

Peter: Really?
Deni: Yes, I totally am.
Peter: I don’t think so.
Deni: No, seriously, haven’t you seen my expert comments on 20 to 1.
Peter: Yeah, but have you ever recorded anything?
Deni: YES!
Peter: Oh wait, are you the person from Big Brother, the year it was really boring?
Deni: NO, that was Trevor and he was GUY!
Peter: Sorry I just can’t place you.
Deni: That word, say clear now…L O V E.
Peter: That’s a song by Nat King Cole.
Deni: No, that's just LOVE. The Rockmelons and I recorded another song like that.
Peter: Nup, sorry drawing a blank.
Deni: cia…ines.
Peter: What is, park ya Heinz?
Deni: Marcia Hines.
Peter: Yeah?
Deni: I’m her daughter! Damn it, I’m Marcia Hines daughter.
Peter: Oh, well nice to meet you Penny.


Elle McPherson

While Elle looks very Barbados-come-back-to-my-retreat-and-hang-out-by-the-pool-how-do-you- like-your-Mojito-cool, I can’t help but see this as a declaration of local lingerie turf war between the reigning queen and mastermind of celebrity business acumen, and the new kid on the block, whose is twenty years younger and already captured the elusive boys-want-to-shag-girls-want-to-be-her market. It’s a crowded little market with Meggie Gale also waging a campaign, so Elle you better come prepared for battle. And also maybe a hairdresser, a colourist for those roots and make up artist next time.


Giaan Rooney

Well Giaan’s impressing the pants off me at the moment! Her debut here at Harsh Light was a tragedy. And like the good ex-sports star she is, she listened to advice, went away and trained her little behind off and re-presented herself on the circuit, improved and ready for the competition. This dress is uniquely beautiful and there is no way just anyone could carry it off, and there Giaan is your gold medal. When you stop dressing for anyone, and start dressing as someone, well, you know you’ve arrived.


Gai Waterhouse

There are pros and cons, and Gai’s a busy woman, so let’s break it down quickly for her.

Pros: The boots rock and are fantastic introduction to autumn.
The suit, while a little boring, is perfect work day attire and let’s not forget, you are there to work.
Cons: When your hat obscures your view so much that you have to walk with your head tilted upwards, it may be time to rethink a few things.


Jennifer Hawkins

Holy Jesus! The skirmishs are being fought all over town with Elle around and Meggie fronting up now and then but with one graceful appearance J-Hawk smacks them down. Tell me, male, female, small children and animals that have learnt how to use the computer (like the tricky Optus animals who attended pub trivia nights), that you would not like to wake up looking like that. With those legs and those shoes and that light non orange tan and with the tricky yet beautiful, side plait ponytail. Sigh of jealousy.


Karen Tso

It actually could have been nice, it really could have been but the black heavy lattice work up Karen’s arms makes me think she’s picked up some rare African arm mauling disease. The black oppressiveness continues with the shoulder panels (is she enlisting is the Fashion Special Forces?), and the totally unnecessary pillbox hat. I know black is the new black, but sometimes Karen, sometimes it’s not.


Kate Waterhouse

Wow, there’s a lot going on here. Statement hat, paired with statement dress and court shoes. Each item on it’s own may have stood a chance but together they are a giant colour explosion of bad. (Although, secretly, the dress never would have a stood a chance, the bottom half looks my bath mat and top half looks to have lost it’s way from another dress).


Laura Csortan

You know, there’s wearing a sexy revealing top that hints at something more. There’s wearing a lacy number that suggests at something with the allure of sexiness. Then Laura, there is just looking like you forgot your undertop. Seriously, Laura, do you realise that you’ve just got a bra on? Like just your bra with a spider web?


Lisa Oldfield

I guess if you were trying to convince the nation, that your husband vastly traded up from his tiger print wearing political puppet to a classy, elegant day time hostess, that dressing like a 50’s school matron at the Athletics day would be appropriate. Still, Lisa, she was wearing tiger print in blue, you don’t have to try that hard to make us think he upgraded.


Natalie Bassingthwaite

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ll be thrilled to know, absolutely thrilled to know that Barbie and Rockers have reformed and tickets for the national tour are on sale this Monday!


Olivia Newton-John

My EYES! My EYES! A single tear is drifting slowly down my cheek as I realise that Sandy, yes my Sandy is now gone. Livvy, what have you done? What have you done? I only say to Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts and Kylie Minogue, let this be a lesson. While Julian McMahon may make plastic surgery look sexy and glamorous – oh no, it’s not.

Oh Sandy baby, can’t you see I’m in misery. I sit and wonder whyeeeeeee, oh why you left me, oh Sandy!!!