The Harsh Light of Day

Alison Cratchley

I am a lover of art – sure of course, I love art that’s cheap but looks like I’m cool and cultured and people think I’ve spent a bomb when in fact it was painted by a street vendor in Bali and costs the same as a packet of Extra. That’s besides the point for Alison, because she’s obviously an art lover and that’s great but honey, art belongs on the walls, not on a dress.

Anthony Callea

Anthony, firstly, we haven’t spoken since you came out. Bravo and good on you, although I’m with Dave Hughes, not a total shocker. And you know what that makes you, our resident gay pop icon and there’s at least five years of cache in that. Back to the clothes though, I’m just wondering why you borrowed Ronald McDonald’s tie. Seriously is that a clown tie? Maybe if you actually tied it up properly it might not look so big.

Asher Keddie

I want to like, man do I really want to like it. To me however, it’s just a bit like her show Love My Way. Fantastic acting, brilliant execution, lots of fans and just about the full bang of good stuff but then there it is, the slight condescending tone.

Amy Matthews

Amy is recognised in my house as probably the worst dresser for her size. And that’s in no way saying her size is a bad thing but she’s making herself look like a Chinese swimmer in a formal speed suit. She should take notes from people Sara Ramierz from Grey’s or America Ferrara from Ugly Betty. Also the added ick factor of her date being the guy that plays her brother on the show. Something a little Tasmanian in that.

Charli Delaney

If anyone watches the brilliance that is Extreme Makeover, you know that we start of with generally butt ugly people and then make them over to a shiny startlingly over buffed white. They also usually makeover their wardrobe from giant jean overalls to Wheel of Fortune dresses. Charli is modelling what I deem the Ultimate Extreme Makeover dress.

Caitlin Stasey

Okay people let’s put this into a harsh frightening light. Caitlin was born in 1990! That’s right 1990!! And anyone who is born in 1990 should not be dressing like a little hoochie mamma. Bikini formal wear is and never will be appropriate. Go home young lady, put on a jumper and then watch educational repeats of Full House.

Deborah Conway

Firstly, why is Deborah Conway there? I’m sure she’s a great artist and what not but why is she at the Logies, are we just inviting anyone these days and if so, why wasn’t I invited? This outfit would be great, if it was at the ARIA’s but it’s not, it’s the Logies and there is a certain amount of glamour attached to the event and Debs, bless her heart, just didn’t bring that in her tiny little bag of tricks.

Deborah Hutton

Classic, elegant, ladylike and BOH-RING!!!!!!! I am such a damn hard task master but come on ladies, this is THE event for the year. It’s THE red carpet and people are rocking up like it’s the god damn Primary School Christmas Fundraiser Ball. Deb, takes some risks, you’ve got fashion blood in you, give me something.

Eliza Taylor-Cotter

There’s just something about the Neighbours girls that means they all look so try-hard and yet their Home & Away counterparts always dazzle. ETC has raided the Neighbours closest and grabbed all fabrics in a hope of hitting upon one good one. Ruffles, stripes and satin. WAY too much going on here and ETC doesn’t have the rocks to pull it off.

Fifi Box

Apparently falling down some stairs and coming second on Dancing with the Stairs Season 74 means that you’re the new hottest thing on TV. And more power to you Fifi, not my personal cup of tea but good on you for getting yours! Still it’s not time yet to steal Whitney Houston’s breast plate from The Bodyguard –you’re not the Queen of the Night yet.

Georgie Parker

Georgie Parker is obviously a crafty working mum. Too busy to attend dress fittings etc she’s just popped on down to Bizarre Beads and spent a lovely afternoon weaving a nice black number with some gold and woodwork pieces. Resourceful Georgie, very resourceful.

Indiana Evans

Bravo Indy, bravo. After last year’s Supre debacle, this is a step in the right sophisticated, glamorous direction. Quality ticks on hair, makeup, and colour. Above and beyond her years Indy follows the Home & Away trend and works right out of her soap starlet league.

Jamie Durie

I’m all for supporting your primary source of income and with the drought gardeners aren’t really in demand. Jamie though is actually wearing a floral imprint tuxedo. Just say it out loud ‘floral imprint tuxedo.’ ‘floral imprint tuxedo!’ yep, it’s as ugly as it sounds.


Jodi Gordon

Good God I want to pledge my allegiance to this girl. She is so fantastically, brilliantly great at picking the absolute right dress for the right event. Her hair and makeup are always pitch perfect. It’s so unfathomable that she will ever do me wrong, that in fact I live in fear of the day, and of course it’s inevitable, that she will turn up and look decidedly average. I will just close my eyes and click my high together three times.

Johanna Griggs

Oh Joey – your efforts to win Australia’s Most Dowdiest TV Presenter are smack on track for a sweeping victory. Sure Melly Doyle wants the mum’s vote. But in a pink bed valance, you really can’t be topped.

Jennifer Hawkins

Part 2 of the white off and J-Hawk comes in a resounding second place. This is by far the best angle on a badly fitting, abstract zipper dress that pushes the boundaries of Girl Next Door mantle. And it disappoints me, because we all know Jen can do so much better.

Jessica Tovey

Big cahunas to the girl who wears the critically dicey Cameron Diaz Golden Globes dress. You know what though, she does a damn fine job of carrying it off. The hair is slightly OTT but still as a complete picture, it’s unique and girly and its red carpet – it’s damn red carpet so bravo to you Jessica.


Lauren Newton

Lauren is completing her transformation into Patti with frightening speed. The fringe and the shortening hair, it’s getting a little eerie. The dress for Loz, is admitting quite okay. Sure, it’s through gritted teeth I say this and it hurts me but I’m sure tiger print and denim can’t be far away. PS notice the clutch across the stomach, could Newton: The Next Generation be on the way?

Lisa Wilkinson

If Lisa W is angling for a spot on the rotating chair next to Karl then this might not be the outfit to do it with. If she is was hoping to secure a spot on Today: The Flamenco Morning Shift, this is the shirt and sleeves to do it with.

Michala Banas

It’s a little mantra here at Harsh but the Devil’s in the Details. And for Michala it really is. The dress itself is actually pretty great. Stylish, plays up her assets and is cocktail classy cool. Problem being the shoes, they are way too damn heavy for the dress. The hair is also way too slick for the dress. Yes, it should have been up, but the ballet bun is way too severe for the ensemble and those pesky details pull apart what could have been a fine little outfit.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

In her efforts to make us believe she’s still a serious actress and maybe to hide the legs after almost giving away the gander at the MTV Awards, Natalie decides that coming as the bride to Mad Max would win the fashion followers. Sorry Nat, no can do.

Natalie G

For God’s sakes Natalie cut that damn Barbie-esque tatty horse hair. Seriously it’s long enough to braid it like a pony. Still it is hiding what is essentially a putrid green dress. Another satin bow tied monstrosity, it’s so boring and awards dress 1 2 3.

Natalie Seleeba

Another Neighbours starlet, another nightmare outfit. If this were a children’s birthday party and Natalie was the entertainment as Strawberry Shortcake, fine, perfect, great costume. It’s not though, and Natalie just looks like dessert.

Nicky Whelan

Unanimously voted the ugliest dressed of the evening (the poll was inclusive of me, myself and I). Nicky looks like a Sienna Miller impersonator who then ran through a florist and fish market and came out wearing this! If a stylist came to you and said flowers and pink netting, would you think ‘hot stuff’? No, didn’t think so.

Pippa Black

Ruffles must have been going really cheaply in the Ten fashion department. Either that, or there is a seriously disgruntled ex-wardrobe assistant who was fired but took the girls down with a last memo re the hottest new trend: ruffles! It’s not as bad as last year but Pippa’s infatuation with tulle needs to be curbed immediately.

Ricki-Lee Coulter

Oh no Ricki, no. I’ve figured out what the problem with you is; you’ve had the Young Divas to out ugly you. You’ve had Kate, Paulini and Emily to soften the blow, but out here on your own - no where to run. Out here in the open light I can actually see that you’re wearing a collection of antique handkerchiefs over a white dress with all the spare ribbon your seamstress had lying about.

Shelley Craft

Dear Shelley,

A letter from the Australian Tax Department. You seem to have claimed a formal gown for the 2007 Logies. We understand this is common place and expected, however you have charged for a full length gown when pictures indicated otherwise. We see no fraud claim against your gown designer attached and therefore must ask you remove the gown from your claims.

Best,
I.HV Monee

Sonia Kruger

I think finally, all those sparkles have gone to Sonia’s head. Or she was actually hit in the head by the disco ball and thought this outfit was a lovely plain white dress with a nice necklace. Either way, she’s joined the Great Wall of China as a man made object to you can see from space.

Stephanie McIntosh

Is it against Steph Mc’s DNA to dress well twice in a row? Does she break out in an allergic reaction? Because there’s no other reason for this play up my faults dress. Why double ribbon your hips when you have known badly photographed hips? Why cover the best asset of those lovely legs? Why chance a strapless bra, when you’ve got a set of ladies that need support? WHY STEPH WHY??

Susie Porter

In an early move for a role in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Morans: The Carl Williams Story, Susie puts a claim on for the early years of Judy Moran. I have definitely complained, vocally, in the past of Susie’s casual approach to red carpets. Well, Susie took me way too literally and decided to get her fashion tips from a Big Brother contestant.


Sandra Sully

Look at me,
I’m Sandra, see
Wholesome and pure
Oh so bright and unsure
A poor man’s
Sandra, see

Sandy, you must start anew
Don’t you know what you must do
Strange as it may seem
Stay away from pink and green
Goodbye to Sandra, see!!!!

Sharni Vinson

I can not believe how impressed I am with Sharni and her drastic improvement. From Supre lover and tan-aholic to classic, elegant and dignified with allure and adult sexiness. The H&A young set really did throw down a massive challenge and as a combined group receive my BOC Award - Best on Carpet.

Tania Zaetta

Tania mentioned on her red carpet interview that she was originally scheduled to wear another dress until she was given this to wear. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? Look, I know Tania you like to think you’re some massive Bollywood star and that we’re foolish enough to believe you but unless you’re name is Shilpa Shetty, Aishwarya Rai or Brett Lee we don’t believe it, so give it up and dress properly, otherwise go hang out with Liz Hurley.

***

And thus endeth the thoroughly exciting and incredibly exhausting Logies coverage. Holy mother of gold statues I need a drink and a small coma. We will now head back to regularly scheduled Monday posts.

You can email me (on the top left) to receive the weekly notice of updates or to rant and abuse me for any number of spelling, grammar and people mistakes I make with wild abandon for journalism each week.

# posted by HLOD : 11:35 PM