The Harsh Light of Day

Alannah Hill

I’ll admit to it right now but I’ve never been a huge fan Alannah Hill and her fashion. It’s a little too much for me, and here is prime example of that. What could have a been a nice black dress ensemble is ruined by sparkley shoes, a tiara and more make-up than Barry Manilow possess. It’s all just a big step in the direction of drag queen fashion and that’s fine, but Alannah is a woman.

Ajay Rochester

Ajay is quite possibly the worst dresser for her size I’ve ever seen. Here, we have the jeans that ate her shoes – seamstress exist in this world Ajay and I’m sure they’d be happy to help you out with the runaway hem you seem to have. The white shirt is okay, but paired with the jeans gives a completely boxy look and she could put to better use her assets.

Bree Amer

I think Bree might be placing a few frantic calls to her agent this week. With the rumours swirling about BB demise, Miss Bree might find the Supre speed dial drying up quite quickly. And with the more than stretched out fifteen minutes gone, so too will her presence on the red carpet. I might get sad…for fifteen seconds in honour of her fifteen minutes.

Bianca Matino

Look darling, I’m a fan of people that I’m not so keen to admit. Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 is my theme song, I love rocking out Kenny Loggins and his Danger Zone and I’ll even tear up my living carpet room to a bit S Club 7 but there’s no way, any one ever loved Marc Anthony that much! He’s just not worth it and there is no way in a J-Lo frozen hell that he’s worth putting on a dress and wearing it publicly. No way EVER!!

Natalie Saleeba & Eliza Taylor-Cotter

OH MY GOD! Like, OH MY GOD! Excuse me while I quickly go and clean my retinas … … … … Okay, I’m back now but scared for life. Firstly, lady on the left – if the dress doesn’t fit, don’t add layers underneath and think people will just get it. We don’t. And Eliza, firstly thanks for ruining my desk on Tuesday when I saw this outfit and spat coffee out over my keyboard! But why, why, why, why would you ever think pleather pocket short pants, with a shirt from the 86 Ken Done collection and vicious ballet bun hair would look good? Clearly, your friends and family hate you, because there’s no way they should have let you leave the house like that.

Caitlin Stasey

Okay Network Ten has real problems. They are spending thousands of dollars of script rewrites and new cast additions (thank God, they are axing the bogan element) and basically trying to Home & Away-ify the whole Neighbours show. You know what would bring the viewers back in droves, hot young starlets who don’t dress like retarded fashion tragics. Following Eliza’s stellar lead, Caitlin (she of Logies horrid dress) pairs a stud bolt dress with a tie over her head, a TIE!!! Trade the tie in a for a brown paper bag and you’d be far better off.

Estelle Andrewartha

You know, I actually quite like this outfit. Sure the hair is Barbie-esque and if I see another set of pockets on a dress, I’ll drop something from a very high place on someone, but overall it’s a cute dress. It flatters her lovely long legs, which aren’t perma tanned orange, it’s got cleavage but not a free lap dance. And sure, she could have matched the shoes, but really in today’s proceedings I’m very much willing to look the other way.

Frank Sweet and date

Frank Sweet aside, and its hard to do with all that hair, but Frank Sweet aside, this lovely nameless lass is divine. I think she’s so classy in gorgeous green, with a funky bob and matching accessories. The temptation for nameless date is to grab attention by tits and arse displays but this youngster has shown how to really grab attention – with a flattering, fitted dress and striking colour. Bravo little one, bravo.

Judith McGrath

Good old Von, she’s been puttering around All Saints for who knows how long and if anyone can survive the tornado known as Georgie Parker then they are doing well in my book. She also displays an elegant pant ensemble for the older lady. Cool, funky without being mutton. And extra points because Von’s got quite a set of pins there. Must be all that running around Emergency.

Klara Lisy

I have no idea who Klara is but today she can be proud. She’s avoided being Harsh. This dress is a little tampon commercial but it’s still quite charming and floaty and spring-y and I commend the early welcome party from Klara. I also commend the matching shoes and handbag. Every little bit helps.

Kym Valentine

I’m sensing in the ratings turnaround effort for Neighbours they’ve brought back Kym Valentine in a hope she will turn into a Sally Fletcher/Kate Ritchie style character. That’s a big jump for little old Kym but I can see the resemblance and I’m not tempted to put nails in my eyes when watching her so, give it a go Neighbours, can’t be worse than what we’re seeing now.

Michala Banas

Michala fully kills the smock dress for me here. Like gets the nail with a power drill and shuts that coffin tight and then even throws the dirt down. It’s such a unflattering outfit and she truly does look ready for a round with the finger paints. I can totally see why guys hate this look and I’m fully in the camp of anti-smocks now too.

Natalie Blair

Finally, someone at Neighbours figures out what fashion is and tries to replicate it. This is a cute outfit from Ms Blair, and considering Ms Blair has been known to truly screw the pooch, I’m extra proud of her efforts here. The pattern top is very sophisticated and cool and the black skirt, while a little office party, is still far better than anything I’ve ever seen from her, so points to you.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

And just as we think, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, Natalie Bassingthwaite turns the torch off. Seriously, Nat, a few more inches on the hemline wouldn’t have killed you! Now we’re all treated to a view of your nether regions that only FHM and Zoo Weekly readers want to see. Also, those boots are the most appalling shoes ever! EVER! Those shoes should be given to terrorist to wear to trial as punishments.

Rachel Carpani & Matt Passmore

While Rach’s looks stylish, elegant and very un-McLeod’s Daughters, boyfriend Matt suffers a little from boxy jacket syndrome (donations are tax free). The jeans and jacket severely clash and cause a block effect on poor Matt, who otherwise is a good looking fella. I’d also consider Matt, visiting a tailor and getting the inseam of the jeans looked at, either that or Rachel is a very, very, very lucky girl!

Romola Garia, Sam Neil & Frances Barber

RG: Oh my God, what a hoot.
FB: I know, it’s just fun playing dress ups.
RG: I love dress up parties! And the eighties, what an awesome theme!
FB: It’s so awesome. I love your dress, where did you get that?
RG: This op shop, I almost wet my pants trying it on, it was so funny.
FB: I had this in the garage, it’s actually something I once owned!
SN: Um, excuse me ladies?
RG: Sam, where’s your costume?
FB: Yeah Sam, you didn’t do a very good job of dressing up.
RG: Unless you are you twenty years ago.
FB: You do seem to never really age.
SN: Yeah ladies, this isn’t actually a dress up party.
RG: What?
FB: Yes it is.
SN: No it’s no.
FB: Then why did the invite say at 80.
SN: That meant it started at 8.00pm, not set in the 80’s.
RG: Oh shit.

Rhys Wakefield

I’m very torn here. I’m so torn between cute boy wonder in funky Seth Cohen-esque jumper and nerd in a jumper I had when I was five. He’s young so I learn to the former. Lucky break Rhys, lucky break.

Sibylla Budd

Isn’t this a chic little number from Sib? It’s a beautiful little winter number, that is tasteful and elegant and befits some one who managed to escape the Patrol boat thing – or did she, I stopped watching after two minutes of forced chemistry between Ian Stenlake and Lisa McCune. But Sib’s, good effort to you. Classic cool and working it like the adult you are, and not some Dotti wannabe.

Veronica Gaye

In either a fantastic homage to Sarah Jessica Parker’s role of Janey Glenn in Girls Just Want To Have (one of the best movies of all time!), or the most tragically misguided following of crappy fashion. Either Veronica isn’t really doing herself any favours, if she is paying homage, then I commend her bravery and taste in classic 80’s films!, if she isn’t, then run, don’t walk, actually step-forward change with a split leap home right now Veronica.