The Harsh Light of Day

Alyce Oksuz

I see what she’s attempting to do here, but why the applique sections? It’s like Halle Berry got stage fright at the last minute and decided some crochet sections would tone it all down. The dress as a plain gold would have bee fine.

Anna Lodge

See, people have incredibly bizarre fashion taste, because I thought in a sea of flash’n’trash, this was dignified and classy and elegant and very lady like, whilst certain commentators said this was sheet-like. WHATEVER! Anna is certainly skinny enough to carry it off and avoids sacktown, and considering what else was out there, this is one of my favs for the evening.

Bree Hately

Won’t her mother be proud! Firstly, Bree I understand all WAG’s (wives and girlfriends for those under rocks) now envy Rebecca Twigley’s dress and call it the show-stopper and basically want that type of attention but here’s the thing. The dress was pretty slutty – it was slit from front to back and side. And half the reason it received the coverage it did, is because sports journalists are often comprised of gorilla-men – how else do you explain The Footy Show and Sam Newman? And not to be nasty, but your dress is pretty slutty too, and doesn’t do you any favours. So if you’re goal was to be Rebecca Twigley, then mission accomplished; if however, elegance and class where the goals, then maybe a team meeting is required.

Brooke Robertson

YEE-HAW! I real excited to be tonight! I’m performing some of my best country tunes including Some Dogs Come Back, My Truck Ain’t Broke and Tie Up My Corset. Sure hope, my hair don’t get in the way y’all. Still, I’ll be sure to have a rockin’ good time and remember to take my pick up truck home!

Carla Maguire

While the instincts were right, the execution pains me. Carla, oh how I normal love what you do but the dress isn’t doing your hips any favours at all – in fact, the hips should get a big I Owe You from the dress because they took the brunt of it’s badness.

Catherine Chappell

Classy, elegant and just a smidge boring. I think the dress and hair combined give me an overall School Captain Awards night feel, with Catherine accepting Dux and her place at Melbourne University in BioMedical Science while in the summer holidays volunteering on a trip to East Timor. While I’m sure that’s admirable, it’s not completely fashionable.

Chantelle Delaney

Holy Mumma Jugs! Seriously, if the drought continues on the way it does and diary cows start going belly up, Chantelle could cover Victoria with the milk storage in her lady friends. What’s actually sad is she seems to have deliberately pulled the dress down, because as you’ll note the boob area isn’t placed securely in the dress designated boob area. Sad, really sad.

Felicity Percival

Flicka does the Sydney girls proud! Yes, she is very much at an advantage working for the magazines but still, it’s a sophisticated yet sexy number and it completely works her best assets without revealing her entire body to all and sundry. If only others would follow suit.

Jodie Henry

Completely boring and completely bridesmaid, Jodie ‘I’m Not a Home Wrecker’ Henry, dazzles no one with this ensemble. Pale pink is for weddings or 12 year old girls, not young sporting starlets. And yes, Jodes – a watch is practical but looks damn awful.

Kaiti Williams

I would place a bet that about three months ago silicon was a rare commodity in Melbourne. Kaiti having depleted the reserves of all plastic surgeons, proudly displays her purchases. Every footballer in the room would have loved this dress, every women in room would have laughed at this dress. Inflatable breast pump is sold separately.

Kylie Adams

Clearly flashing your business and showing as much skin as possible has become a fashion must for Brownlow attendees. God only knows why! Sure, Kylie you have a nice body, sure you could all let us know what a grab job you’re waxer is doing but next year, dare to be different, throw caution to the wind and come in a nun’s habit!

Lauren Kirkman

Lauren continues the parade of unflattering bridesmaid’s dresses we saw last night. As Rachel Griffiths will also tell you, half up half down hemline is a complete and utter failure. Also the side head tilt and matching hairstyle is questionable? Was that French Roll that heavy, your head was dragged sideways.

Lyndall Degenhardt

I feel bad about Lyndall in one respect because she is, at least covering up and she should be rewarded for that, however, during the stupid red carpet coverage last night, she mentioned that the corset wasn’t that tight and was okay to breathe in. You know why Lyndall, because it’s not done up properly! A real, quality corset that gives you the hour glass figure, should make it barely impossible to breathe. You should be like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge and cracking ribs because it’s so tight.

Mrs Laidley

Here’s the thing Mrs Laidley. I know the Kangaroos lost by a big fat bundle last weekend. And yes, it was probably pretty embarrassing and I bet Dean was a real grump to live with for a few days and spent most of the time huffing and mopping about – still cut outs dressing is no way to fight off the blues. And your mammaries protest the punishment.

Olivia Anderson

Olivia is up there with Bianca Dye for having little to no sense in how to dress for her body type. Last year, I was very happy to cut the new mum a break as she’d just had bubs, but this year, there is no excuse for panelling in your trouble spots. No excuse at all.

Rachel McLeod

Considering last’s years branding of numbers dress (yes, she was that one) this can only be an improvement. But what’s the pattern all about – flowers and tiger print and a purple snake? If there’s a story, sure I’d love to hear it but even then stories are for books and not dress prints.

Random Girl 1

Wow, talk about badly, badly misjudge a good dress. Poor little lass got all excited about her shot at the big time and just overboard on everything: fake tan, ruffles, cleavage, length and who knows what else? The only thing that seems small is the odd fitting and badly constructed triangles meant to hold her cleavage.

Random Girl 2

I don’t understand; I really, really don’t get it. Did she just think, crap this dress is missing something? Quick honey, pass me the Sorbent Thicker For Sure Six Pack Toilet Paper, I’ve got a brilliant idea. Is she planning to toilet paper some one’s room later and this was the only way to hide it? Worried the stocks at Crown would run low?

Random Girl 3

Clearly there was an accident at Random Girl 3’s house with a blender and her dress. Never fear though, she made do with her economy size garbage bag, some scissors, UHU Glu stick and a bit of spunk. Either that or it’s a passive aggress attempt to remind her hubbie to take bins out.

Random Girl 4

Holy Jesus! Pleats are never any one’s friend. In fact, in the history of things, they’d be up there with locusts, cane toads and droughts in usefulness strakes. Yet every year some poor girl embraces the pleat and suffers the consequences. What’s extra special is the pleat itself is topped off by a wheat germ vomit green. Now that’s a whole other level!

Random Girl 5

See this is what happens when very well meaning mothers offer to make their daughters dress, because then they will have something completely unique on the red carpet. Sure Random Girl, it’s unique, but the it’s made out of faux pearl necklace at the back – if that isn’t an invitation for some gutter minded footballer to say dirty things then I don’t know what is.

Random Girl 8 (left) & 9

These ladies are also known as the Henchmen of the Silk Apocalypse. Leftie needs to firstly, stand up the straight and possible consider that cheesecake lemon was never going to be a crowd pleaser. And Right – man, you need to delete all your friend’s phone numbers. If anyone of them saw you before you left and said ‘you look great, have a good time,’ they were flat out lying through their teeth, or blind.

Random Girl 10

See here’s the thing, I was to applaud her for bravery and fashion forwardness because it’s not silk or taffeta and it’s not plunging necklines and tarty leg slits. However, she’s gone and ruined the whole thing by wearing a black under-sheath and having a hairstyle eerily similar to a bird’s nest. Also, she has a strong resemblances to Cat Deeley and that’s even more annoying – but not really her fault.

Rebecca Twigley

As I said before, everyone raves about Twiggers and how amazing she was and is. Well, let’s be honest kids, the red dress from a few years back wasn’t that great! And I haven’t seen anything that I’ve loved from her. The dress actually photographs badly, it looked much nicer on camera but here it’s another boring tulle/corset combo with Twiggers and Judd exhibiting about as much chemistry as a rock and another rock.

Rhiannon Whitnall

Okay, when you run out of organza and the dress isn’t finished, people will notice if you try and fudge. We’ll spot that a mile off, so nice try but back to the sewing machine. Also, I think Rhiannon, you need to step away from the curling irons – just put them down and back away.

Susie McLean

Okay Sus, sorry but Liz Hurley came and went and did this over ten years ago. And it was much less Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation goes formal and far more sexy, risqué (considering Hugh Grant’s hair then, she had to do something). So take your slit, and stripped hair and tanned to the max self home and find a new trend to cheaply mimic.

# posted by HLOD : 5:45 PM