The Harsh Light of Day

The marquees are down, the tents folded and the champagne’s all gone. And I have to say, I feel Equine Influenze affected the marquees as well. There was a certain celebrity factor lacking. And who in the hell was Christopher Cross? He is for Dad’s 60th backyard BBQ birthday bash, not the Emirate Melbourne Cup. And the international quality severely poor – Carson Kressly doesn’t count – the dude loves the festival. Maybe people should start sending invites out NOW, like right now, this very instant. Get the emails happening PR people.

Alex Fevola

In what can only be described as bogan/westie high fashion, Alex inexplicably wears a tuxedo vest jacket with a silver scarf threaded unflatteringly through! Also pants! Really pants? For a Ladies Day races lunch at the Broken Hill pub, Alex would look smashing – for a high profile, marquee guest – NO.

Ali Mutch

There’s a gaggle of Sydney stars who aren’t good enough, or can’t afford a Virgin airfare and a night at the Formula 1 Tullamarine to come to Melbourne – who get together and pretend not to be upset over the rejection. In the theme of cheapness Ali does well with her cheap looking dress and very cheap looking head piece.

Ann Marie Cooksley

Ann Marie is paying homage to the idea of excess! Way too much of the hat, way too much of the dress, way too much of the tan, way too much of the hair. In fact, Ann Marie will be a new harbinger of my new phrase WTM. For those slow on the uptake Way Too Much. Congrats Ann Marie on doing something good today, probably not what you’d planned but congrats anyway.

Chris Bath

Well, Chris I must say you look very sophisticated glam. Sure, red shoes and/or clutch to match the hat would have been splendid but of course, the dress itself with the shoulder baring sexiness – very good! Take that newsreaders.

Chrissy Amphlett

The races go Greek grandmothers. Seriously, the only word that springs to mind right now is babushka. However the scarf with its skulls does give it a touch of ‘gang totting babushka!’

Delta Goodrem

Okay, what the hell is going on here? Is Delta planning on heading over to the stables later and planning to help birth a baby fowl? Is she giving the horse their rectal EI checks? Why the gloves of Lady Death? Take them off quick smart or Delta, you’ll find yourself in a Marilyn Manson video.

Fiona Horne

Okay, I hear that marquees have standards and refuse anyone with the listing of ex-Idol or ex-Big Brother contestant, and I fully understand that. You’ve got to set the standards and make it completely out of mere folk reach. You don’t then go and invite and professional witch! And no, that’s not a derogatory term, that’s what Fiona describes herself as one the world’s leading authorities on White Witchcraft. What crowd that must be.

Georgie Parker

Okay, Georgie, when you’re attending a Georgio event you dress up. You find the best outfit in the entire wardrobe and you damn well dress up. You don’t dress up in brown sackless dress with netting. You insult Giorgio and everyone else who attended!

Ian Thorpe

Ian was quite surprised to find so many people outside the massage parlour. Sure, his fame meant people followed him many places but a black carpet with security blockades? Wow this new place sure knew what they were doing. It was at this moment Ian realized he’d forgotten to get his shoes and was still wearing the beauty parlour provided slip ons. Oh well, these were pretty comfortable, maybe he’d keep these instead.

Jennifer Hawkins – Oaks

Out of the three outfits for the week, this was my favourite but wow, what a lacklustre campaign from the J-Hawk. So very achievable and bought off the store rack. Any little teeny bopper with daddies credit card could buy this outfit from the local Myer and while that’s wonderful advertising for Myer, it doesn’t make it her the fashion force she once threatened to be.

Jennifer Hawkins – Cup

This was a far more sophisticated look for the Hawk but alas, a little nutclubbie for what is a daytime event. The amazing floaty fabrics, the feminine touches, the ladylike elegance of last year all gone for pop rocking cool. Sure, it’s with the times, but the J-Hawk should be getting paid millions to be ahead of the times.

Jodi Gordon

I’d be sad too Jodi if I was wearing that outfit. Contrasting silvery fabrics with a ballooning high waisted skirt, and a giant trampoline shirt. Sadness and even tears. In fact, pretty girl like Jodi dressed so badly makes me misty eyed right now.

Kate Langbroek

Kate has always, always, always been some one who marched to her own drummer. Sadly the drummer is an out of time, completely tuneless amateur and that I guess reflects Kate’s clothing choices. In an dazzling display the devil’s shoe workshop has gone into overdrive with those awful clog heels. Kate also may feel, one day, to maybe run a brush through that hair? But far be it from me to suggest such CRAZY ideas.

Kate Waterhouse

The fact that Kate’s the size of a toothpick aside (more jealousy than criticism) I actually quite like this. It’s fun, flirty, yet still daytime ladylike. The ruffles are something that could only be carried off by very few. On others this would be the nightmare 80’s flashback we fear but the mark of a good fashion dresser is making it contemporary.

Matt Newton

Like Ben Cousins refuses to walk anywhere without looking a cocky so and so, Matt Newton refuses to shave, tuck in his shirt and straighten up that tie. And sure dressing doesn’t really have anything to do with the man, but Matt, maybe you’d like to take a few steps forward and meet us half way. Spruce it up a bit, look like you care and we might care back.

Melissa Doyle

It screams mum so badly I want to ask where the rumballs and cucumber sandwiches are and then promise to catch up and the Christmas BBQ at the Johnson’s house. In fact, Mel, where are the rumballs?

Melissa George

High fashion, yep sure. Expensive and out of the reach of all but a few, again big ticks. Sure to impress the fashion packs, of course. Looks like she sat on an emu and wrapped herself in silk curtain with a pink tea cover on her head – definitely.

Rachel Hunter

Part 2 of the ‘Rachel Hunter’s really famous, no, seriously, she’s famous – it doesn’t matter what for alright, she’s famous believe us – no believe IT!’. Maybe like me, her headpiece kept on falling off so she ditched it. Unlike me though, she ditched it into her cleavage. And while that’s incredibly crafty it isn’t particular flattering or alluring. Merely draws attention to the ill fitting and unflattering bodice area of a bad dress.

Sam Brett

Yep Sam was another sad Sydney-ite who didn’t warrant an invitation to the big end of town. And I can’t say I’m at all sad about that because she would have tarnished the marquees with her red dress version of her black dress book launch. Especially the tarnished with the feather duster on the head. So shoo Sam, go back to the clichés and poorly timed advice.

Sonia Kruger

I feel like this nasty photographer caught Sonia on the way of the bathroom with her dress accidentally tucked into her knickers. And for that I won’t judge her because that’s mean.

The Maguires

A much better showing from Carla Maguire and this ladies is race-day wear. Classy, elegant, sophisticated and definitely not a red carpet dress recycled. I am a step away from loving it because it lacks the hat/fascinator/headpiece/adornment, but generally bravo Carla well performed.

Virginia Gay

Warmer, warmer, warmer…Virginia Gay is known to readers here as quite possible one of Australia’s most horrid dressers for her size. Again not a criticism of her weight, but her dressing. This does more her than anything but still, it could be a whole lot better. Why, would you chose stripes? Also baggy – it just invites comments of nastiness. But slowly Ginny's walking away from terrible-ness and heading towards possible goodness. Keep coming Ginny.