The Harsh Light of Day

Firstly, a Merry Christmas to all and everyone. Thanks for checking in weekly, especially with the recent sporadic (Clueless flashback!) updates. Thanks to all those who've been Harshed this year, most of you have taken it in the spirit intended and for those that didn't...well, it's the season of giving, so I'm thinking happy thoughts for you.

I'll be posting across the summer as per normal, but due to the slow local scene may need to source some material elsewhere - should be fun times!

Axel Whitehead

Seems Axel has taken a leaf from the Matty Newton School of embarrassing incident recovery. He’s laid low for a suitable amount of time and is slowly resurfacing. Sticking strictly to the rules of Principal Newton, he sports the scruffy beard and dishevelled look, loose tie. Points are being deducted for not draping over girlfriend, but I’m sure Principal Newton will give Axel a pass, it’s his first time back. Plenty of drapery time still ahead of him.

Debora Lee Furness

Well, that’s certainly one way to counter those beard rumours. Take that gossips columnists, Deb seems to be saying. You think I’m his butch beard, well let’s see you make sense of tuxedo that seems to be taken directly from my hubbie’s wardrobe. Yeah, that’s right – betcha you’re confused now huh? And while I applaud Deb’s resistance to the rumours and her fashion statement...couldn’t a well timed public display of affection be just as convincing without the hassle of such as weird outfit.

Guy Sebastian

For Christmas I would like to hire Guy a seamstress, who post haste would sew the hemlines on all his jeans, thereby stopping him from ever rolling up the cuffs again. It’s stupid, stupid fashion that makes him look so damn top heavy – and not in a robust fireman way, but a pudgy bear way.

Kate DeAraugo

See, all nice and simple. Of course, a little too much eyeliner for the daylight, and maybe Kate needs her roots done but pretty normal right?

OH HELL NO! Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? What in God’s or Hillsong’s name would possess Kate to do this? Firstly, the shiny nylons – are we starring in a Working Girl remake as Melanie Griffith later on? And the short denim mini? No Kate! Lady of Night is a fashion you don't want to emulate. And Payless Shoes called and want to thank you for wearing the latest in their line – Sassy Girl Blue.

Kerri Anne

How very Angelina at Cannes! Seriously, Kezza, you look damn fine here. The yellow’s working for you and the length means no stocking issues. The hair and heels, it’s all good my friend. That’s right Kezza, you finish the year on high – love your work.

Matt Newton & Gracie Otto

And here he is! The master of slouch, the king of laidback and the bearer of the scruff. It might appear to some that I have a problem with Mattie, that after earlier escapades I look unkindly towards the boy. Not in the slightest, I just have problem with the fact that poor Gracie Otto is being used as crutch or a bar ledge. Matt, if you can’t stand then don’t walk the carpet – and if you can stand, then by gosh, do it, don’t use Gracie.

Natalie Gauci

Hello Natalie, congratulations on that unbelievable win – and I mean unbelievable in the slightly negative sense, because I just didn’t believe the tweenies would desert their beloved Corby in such staggering numbers. Still, you’ve won the crown and one limited year of publicity that affords you. As part of said publicity that includes me and my nastiness. And yes, I’m sorry darling but the blue skinny leg jeans, ain’t do you no favours. The vest and pink heels also bad ideas. So that leaves a black singlet top.

Nicole Kidman

What does one say? I’m really quite disappointed is what I’ll say. Cause seriously this is damn ugly. And in case you’re wondering why she’s got her hands clasped across the suit – it’s because she’s trying to avoid being the world’s first photographed celebrity silver skinned foil camel toe. I hate to say it, but I think loopy Cruise may have dress sense marital thing going on. Look at one Kate Holmes – Nicole once was as sharp and unstoppable as that, and that time strangely coincided with her arrangement with TC. You do the math.

Tara Reid

You have to ask yourself at what point in your career that opening basement stores became a viable option? It’s a question I pose to Tara as she opens Perth’s Myer Basement store. Yep, you read that last part correctly. I’d also like to issue Tara with a sandwich alert – maybe have one or two. This yoyo dieting cannot be good for your body and I’m a little concerned. It doesn’t keep me awake at nights, but occasionally it crosses my mind, so help me out and clear that off my mental checklist by eating something, much appreciated.