The Harsh Light of Day

Heidi Klum

In a sea of red, and I mean a sea! (you’d think some stylists would whisper in people’s ears – ‘wear purple this year, trust me, stay away from RED!) – anyway, the sea of red, saw Heidi emerge victorious. Sure, she’s Heidi Klum and that already helps, but still, the theatre of this dress, the grandeur, the statement. It’s very Oscars, the one place where statement dressing is really allowed.

Isabella Miko

In many, many, many, many secondary events, held for people who will never be good enough to crack an invite Isabella confused me greatly. Did she just come from a seafood restaurant and leave her Lobster themed napkin on her dress? Or is that really a design pattern?

Jennifer Garner

I love Jen, I mean love her. She’s just so lovely, polite without being a suck, always doing the good mum things with little Violet (park, library, food market), so I’m loathe to criticize but I have to. Jen, you’ve got the assets, you’ve got an excellent figure on which to dress, and you can carry a few colours. Why, oh why, are you dressing like you’re attending a very glamorous wake?

Jessica Alba

The Alba-nator. Either very beautiful in her plum dress or stuffing an ostrich down her cleavage – your choice?

Jodi Lyn O’Keefe

There was like five minutes in 99 when Jodi Lyn was hot. She participated in She’s All That, another teen rom com was on the way, and fame beckoned. A wrong turn and some bad decisions and she was starring in Out For Blood as a vampire named Layla. Here Jodi demonstrates why the side bun isn’t really making a comeback, you just end up looking stupid and with probably the worst hair headache ever!

Julie Christie

I know it was cold in LA on Oscar day, I get that. I don’t get the need for pink, thumbless (oh yes, look closely) long gloves. And if it was so cold that gloves were required, why the bare legs? So many questions.

Keri Russell

Keri’s another working mum who I think is delightful and whenever I see pap shots of her, I think you look lovely and happy with the bub. However, here Keri reminds me of myself at the Year 11 formal. I’d been sick all week, hadn’t eaten a thing but was determined to attend. It was a bad/good godsend because I’d lost at least five kilos and in the photos my shoulder blades could cut glass. Much like Keri. Sadly, that’s where Keri and I finish in our similarities. Probably not so sad for Keri.

Kristin Chenoweth

The other colour of the night, next to red, was black. Black, black, and more black. And yes, black is the new black, but come on people, live a little. Kristin however is one of the more hotter black dressed beauties. She completely plays to her assets, a tiny waist and generous ladies. Well played.

Laura Linney

From the best black to the worst black. Oh my god this is the fashion equivalent of StillNox, I’m already getting sleepy.

Marion Cotillard

Yes, I know it’s very Ariel, A Little Mermaid, but people, it’s not black, it’s not red, it’s unique and she’s French. That excuses a whole lot of shit. Seriously, drop an ‘oui, monsieur’ and people suddenly feel compelled to sit straighter and call your fashion choices daring and experimental as opposed to lazy and clearly hasn’t done her washing.

Melora Hardin

This is what happens when BeDazzler’s malfunction.

Miley Cyrus

Little billionaress Miley (yes, her projected earnings are now in billions – my life at 15 was a little different). She looks the right cross of adult/child attending grown up award show. Don’t want to sex up and piss of the conservative mummies who pay for Lily-Sue’s concert tickets, bedspreads and every single DVD of Miley ever created.

Nancy O’Dell

Oh God Lord Nancy! If Renee Zellweger is having trouble convincing me a split is a good thing, then I think maybe mere mortals shouldn’t attempt it. Also, the cleavage is incredibly ice dancing and not Oscars red carpet. I know you’re generally behind the camera, but the stars do have to look at you, pay them some respect.

Penelope Cruz

Penny is an Oscar’s dresser. She just comes prepared for a red carpet glam off. Sure, the dresses are big, bouffy and nothing you’d ever wear to the shops – but it’s not supposed to be that way. She also gets all my points because that hair style is so HOT! Imagine her and Javier – wholly lord!

Renee Zellweger

In my house we have long discussions re: Renee. I just can’t imagine hanging out with her. There doesn’t seem to be an inch of warmth there. And she just looks so pinched all the time, seriously squeezed and uncomfortable. Right down to her eyeballs, squished into her face. The dress gives the same feeling, sure it’s sparkly and glamour but you can imagine her entire body squished in. Ooch!

Rosamund Pike

If I were creating a movie were (inexplicably) the Jetson’s were attending a red carpet event, this is what I would have Jane Jetson wear.

Javier Bardem

And finally, Part 2 of men you didn’t realise were this hot, Javier Bardem. There’s just something so manly and Spanish about him. And not to be crass but, check out the size of his shoes ladies...you know what they say.

I will now go to bed, with the thought Javier is picturing me when looking at his Oscar.

See you Sunday for the cricket awards coverage and trust me ,there are some corkers.

# posted by HLOD : 11:42 PM