The Harsh Light of Day

I’d firstly like to thank the lovely reader who sent me an essay of the culture of celebrity and of how my ‘tall poppy’ critiquing is mindless rubbish and wasteful of my time. Yes, I completely agree, it’s very wasteful, in fact if I felt this was at all productive I might have to stop.

I hope, that you have set your sights higher though, as really, in the pond of celebrity attacking, I am but a tiny minnow, a baby really, and I would hate for you to think that your email was getting to the people that matter. I matter least. Although feel free to keep expressing your thoughts on my rubbish.

Ajay Rochester

Slogan t-shirts are the death of an outfit. No matter how rocking the rest of the look is, no matter how much you’re feeling it – if you’ve got a slogan printed across your chest, someone will inevitably have a comment, and 99% of the time, it’s not going to be complimentary. Ajay, you’re not Paris, Britney, Lindsay etc, you don’t need to make statements through t-shirts.

Erika Heynatz

And here’s the ultimate case of its all good, really nothing wrong, Erika looks lovely and fresh and the colours work together. But something isn’t right. I don’t understand what, I can’t explain it, and really, it’s quite unfair of me to bring it up but that’s the breaks kids! Anyone got any ideas?

Jennifer Hawkins

I don’t know about you but Jen’s looking a little tired these days. The dress is pretty of course and she does look better than most people do on their very best days. But, the mismatching leg tan to arm tan is very amateur mistake, bad J-Hawk. I’d also love to have a chat with her hair stylist, maybe discuss the levels of blonde and its tiredness?

Lee Furlong

Poor Lee, some people don’t come with the fashion gene. It’s just never going to come naturally for them. And here, Lee demonstrates the off-ness, the shoes and bag match but they don’t work with the dress, the dress doesn’t really look good.

Megan Gale

It’s well known fact that Meggie isn’t fashion model size and before I receive flaming torches of death threats, I’m not at all saying that Meggie is large. No hell way, I’d love to wake up looking like Meggie G! But this dress doesn’t work for her...size. It’s very pretty and so is Meggie but together, they don’t work.

Natalie Gauci

Oh Nat, honey child, darling one (I’m using Marcia speak). When you’re attending the front row of a fashion show, dressing like you’re attending the first day of Centrelink payments is not the done thing! Each of these items are okay as casual, Saturday shopping centre items, together they are terrible. Together at a fashion show they are catastrophically inexcusable.

Tiffani Wood

Very nice Tiff, very nice. Sure, you’ve looked fiercer but as we know you can't operate at 10 all the time. It’s got to be shades of grey. The dress, the hair, the make-up are very event appropriate. You’re actually giving off a very strong Catherine Zeta Jones casual vibe here, and I encourage chasing that vibe, she’s got good red carpet vibe.

L’Oreal Melbourne Fashion Festival – Shots From the Runway

Today’s youth have enough trouble, what with drugs and alcohol corrupting their young minds, why would we make it harder for them to be cool by dressing like little orphan Annie’s?

Brides often have nightmares of their dress turning into giant tutu extravaganzas. This is that nightmare come to life.

Suzie suddenly realised why Mark, her fiancée was so keen to attend the bridal shows.

An early auditionee for the available spot in Hi-Five took their brief of brightening a child’s day too seriously.

That’s a party trick my friends!

Bee keeper with clean Blundstones or high fashion, you decide?

The new boy turns up in a pink parka? Close the door and think happy Javier Bardem manly thoughts.

The follow-up series for the Teletubbies early pre-marketing was going well, soon Inky Dinky characters would be everywhere!

China’s Swim Team costume makes its debut

Fashion for the home renovator. Pasta shell necklaces that can be put together in an easy afternoon of decorating.

Melissa wasn’t sure, was this appropriate for the office? Would her boob be inadvertently be captured in the photocopier?

The brief: to design for the country, with Australia in mind, design with thoughts of Waltzing Matilda, design with corrugated iron roofs, design with tough outback years. The mission: accomplished.

Nothing says hot man, I must date you, like stocking and bomber jacket. It’s why you see me at 7/11 every Saturday night, just hoping for some action.

Adam & Mel Gilchrist

It’s a tale of two dress, torn apart at birth, separated to the ends of the earth. Then, through chance, fate and coincidence, they reunited and became one. Sadly for Mel, they became one right before she was to wear either the yellow or white. She obviously felt so happy about the two dresses reuniting she didn’t want to tear them apart again, so wore this dress amalgamation and hoped for the best.

Andrew Symonds & Katie Johnson

If Katie weren’t so damn pretty, I’d be so tempted to talk about how the dress should have been fitted better to her, how it looks a little sack-ish and silvery milk bar curtains thing would have work better on a fitted dress, but I can’t because Katie is so damn pretty and she has accessorized well and her hair is pretty.

Brad & Mel Hodge

It seemed this style of dress was very popular with the WAG’s, and I understand why. It’s very flattering and classy and gives you a teeny tiny waist effect. Mel looks very elegant and she’s done well with hair and resisting the urge to plump her ladies over the top of the dress. Overall, classy.

Brett & Elizabeth Lee

See against my better judgement I really loved this dress. It was different and summery and fun. Yes, there are contrasting patterns and ruffles, but somehow it all seems to work and Liz has wisely laid low on the hair and makeup but THEN, SHE RUINS IT BY CARRY A DAMN EASTER EGG PURSE! Or wait, is that a cricket ball purse! Either way, terrible, terrible, terrible. And can’t see past it, I can’t look at the dress and not see Easter egg/cricket ball purse so DAMN you Liz.

Cameron White & Jacqui Morris

Oh dear Jacqui, this isn’t a happy time. The champagne coloured silk skirty thing is okay, but the criss cross sparkly top thing is completely wrong and gives the effect of being formal wear for a Lollipop Lady. At this point, I’d like to ask also what man convinced every Australian cricket that higher you middle hair line stands the cooler you are. It’s so not try and you look stupid – L’Oreal, please cancel the hair gel order for the Australian Cricket team please.

Frank Sweet & Emily Clark

Yes, Frank the 80’s are strangely and un-explicably making a comeback. Hypercolour is in, tight leggings are all the rage. However, when it’s like you’ve been photoshopped in from 80’s – that’s a step too far. Seriously, Frank I think you’re wearing my jeans from 1986 and even then they weren’t that cool. I can’t even look at your girlfriend properly with the stonewash scarring my eyes.

Georgia Sinclair

Is that formal gingham I’m seeing? Or formal netting? Either way, it ain’t good here. Georgia seems to have mistaken it for a farewell BBQ for Meggie G, not a farewell catwalk. Also, Georgia, it’s time to step away from the straightening irons. Honey, I love my GHD’s as much as the next girl, but when the wind blows and your hair moves as a unit, you know it’s time to stop.

Jason & Anna Gillespie

Part 2 of the same dress – Anna tries to the more saucy red and black combo. And the results are pretty much exactly the same, classy, elegant and all the above. However, the red doesn’t quite bounce for me and that’s why I award Mel Hodge, winner of the best ribbon and long strapless dress best on carpet award. Well played to both ladies though.

Jo Silvagni

Like a fine wine Jo just gets better with age (who manages to keep wine long enough for it to age – my wine is lucky to last a week before someone’s cracked it open). The perfect combo of yummy mummy, fashionista and yoga-licious lady. I’m just going to ignore what I believe to be a cork wedge I just don’t see it. Can’t, won’t, refuse to see it.

Kate Waterhouse

Kate continues on her merry way of stripping Jodi Gordon of her mantle of consistently best dress red carpetter. Make-up, hair, skin colour are just delightfully perfect. I’d personally lose the ugly black Fendi bag for another outfit. I’m also concerned that at the end of night after a few drinks, Kate’s going to have a real challenge on her hands to get out of that dress – but that’s not my problem – or maybe not Kate’s either! Boom boom ching!

Kathryn Eisman

Alright Eisman, you’re either hot or cold. Pick a feeling and stick with it. You can’t be Miss Priss buttoned up to Amish standards at the top and then be Paris Hilton’s leggy sister at the bottom. Pick one and stick with it. Probably neither are great choices, but still.

Lara Bingle

Against every fibre in my being, against everything that I am – I have to say I like this. I think Bingers, looks great. She’s doing her thing and look good at it. Now just don’t speak, or think too much or actually do anything else. Just be quiet and still and look pretty.

Matthew & Kellie Hayden

Oh my sweet lord. Kellie? Are you auditioning for Annie Get Your Gun? I hope so. Or, as the song goes ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ and he obviously came back with this dress for you to wear. If you sold your soul for Mattie to have some form, and this was the payoff, I’d understand – otherwise, nup.

Mitchell Johnson & Jessica Bratich

I think Jessica’s a really supportive girlfriend, really there for Mitchell. Probably goes to all his games, claps loudly when he is about to bowl. Won’t ever go to the bathroom when it’s his turn. You want to know how I know this? Because only super supportive girlfriends, wear sparkly sports tape as part of their dress, only top notch, really committed girls call up Elastoplast and ask what’s in their formal range.

Nathan & Haley Bracken

If you were asked to close your eyes and imagine what the visual of sugary sweet, candy coloured formal dressing would look like – I would think many people would see something along these lines. In fact, this dress only serves to remind to visit the dentist because it’s so sweet, so saccharine sweet I feel like my teeth are rooting by merely looking at it.

Sarah Jane Clarke

Yes Sarah Jane, Katie ‘Jordan’ Price would like her shoes back.

Shane Watson & Lee Furlong

How is she actually standing without toppling over? Lee, eat something! This is the ultimate in lollipop fashion and Lee you may feel the soup diet and over exercising is a good show of will power – it isn’t. You look like a Barbie doll, and those Barbie dolls aren’t anatomically correct. Life can’t be good when you’re not anatomically correct.

Stephanie McIntosh

Everyone please rise, stand up and take everything out of your hands. And join me in thundering applause because HOLY COW STEPHANIE looks AMAZING, FANTASTIC, SUBLIME. This is by far, the best I’ve ever seen dear Steph. Hair, make-up, dress, tan, everything is pitch note perfect. I’m so proud, I might cry!

Thomas & Susannah

I always love seeing the reality starlets a few months after the show has ended and the cameras have been packed away. And I’m kind of excited to see that Thomas and Sus are still together and they look cute and fresh and well matched in their shared vanity (and I don’t mean that in a bad way). Pretty people being pretty together.

Trent Croad & Partner

The only thing that struck me about these two, is that seriously, don’t they look like they are about to break into the bank. Like they are auditioning for the roles in the sequel Mr & Mrs Smith. They just seem to ooze -Catherine Zeta Jones, Entrapment, check your handbag, you might be missing a phone, sensuality in the black.