The Harsh Light of Day

Firstly, let’s just say people I go out of my way for Harsh Light’ers. On Monday night I found myself in Sydney and rushed through a lovely dinner to be in front of the TV and ready for Brownlow good times. SHOCK, HORROR, WAILING & TEARS were followed as I realised that Sydney don’t show the Brownlow, until 11.30pm. So I took one for the team and stayed up to watch until 2am in the morning. Dedication doesn’t come any better people


Alice B

Suffering the same crinkle cut fate as Erika Hairnets at the Logies. The truly horrible halter jewellery that looks like paper clips strung together in an elaborate fashion clashes awfully with the earrings as well. Also the handbag colour is just that tad too far off the colour she’s trying to match. Like milk left on the bench after a mad dash to work, it’s all just a bit off.


Amber Petty

Why, when most teams were only allowed to bring five players and this resorted to some generous fellows taken their own team mates instead of slutty girlfriends, is Amber Petty allowed to attend the Brownlow? I don’t for one second pretend to believe she is an entertainment reporter. That’s like saying Nelson from Sunrise is a foreign relations expert because he covers international celebs. Amber has gone all out with the purple tissue paper and what better way to follow through than with a heavy black pump. I vote you off the hardly watched celebrity island.


Amy P

As was universally conceded this was probably the most well played on the night. Classy and elegant, with enough cleavage to make her footy man happy, Amy ticked all the boxes. It does however, for some strange reason give me flashbacks to Delta Goodrem. Is Amy her long lost sister?


Anna R

See, I feel sorry for people like Anna, who have to turn up on the red carpet competing against models and brainless girlfriends who have nothing better to do with their day than primp. Clearly Anna has more important things to do, because she didn’t have time to style her hair properly, or find a dress that really fit well, and her makeup was a quick foundation wipe in the taxi.


Brendan and Alex Fevola

How to spot a bogan, CUB (cashed up bogan), or try hard wanker:

Step 1: Female’s hair will have four or five heavy thick stripes of opposing colour.

Step 2: Heavy cleavage (for Cub’s this is then tailored against in attempted classy elegance with lengthy dress)

Step 3: Bling, bling, jewellery and accessories that are really from Klein’s.

Step 4: Male’s hair is over styled to a point of stupidity.

Step 5: Said males wear clothing or stand as though they are fashion plates. Mentor: David Beckham.

Step 6: Both will be sporting ‘I’m as a dumb as I look’ expressions. See Kyle Sandilands and Tamara Jaber.


Carla Mc

In my Logies coverage I did say that Carla may be stacking on the kilos as a result of Sydney-ites being mean to Mrs McGuire. Of course, I said this jokingly and with no thought that it could be true. Well, I think it is. In the Sydney press, they slammed poor Carla, saying she looked like a Red Rooster cooked chicken. Now I don’t want to turn this into a city versus city thing but JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! Look at this woman, she’s had three kids – and they’re Eddie’s so that’s not going to be a slim line baby she’s pushing out. She looks hot and the dress is fabulously different and we in the land of fashion uniqueness will take her over your Tiffani Wood’s and Tanya Tozzi’s any day of the week.


Cassie

Sadly, Cassie Lane admitted that this dress had been purposefully made for the occasion. The next day the designer went into foreclosure. Really though, when in the history of dresses has a knee high fronted dress with dropping back train ever worked? Demi Moore will tell you all about her troubles with it. Also the lead singer of the B52’s called and wants her hairstyle back! The shoes are a plague on both her houses.


Catherine C

Having thought she was attending a Moulin Rouge party and her mock of Nicole Kidman’s Satine was pretty good, poor Catherine was rudely awakened on the red carpet. This is something Ricki Lee would wear.


Fiona D

The bio on Fiona is she’s a sports commentator. For who I don’t know but they may want to review their memo to staff on how to get attention for the show through publicity whore dressing. Fiona seems to have taken the ‘show as much skin’ clause to heart and done her best to reveal if not both breasts, one for effort’s sake.


Jo S

Look, ordinarily I would hate it. It’s tutus and side pony tails but as we learn every week here at Harsh Light, it’s often the woman who maketh the clothes. And this is Jo Bailey people, one of the first hot wives. She should begin a mentoring program to some of the little whorebags on the red carpet. ‘How to win Respect and Appear Sexy – A Lesson in Brownlow Red Carpetting’


Katie W

Everything that is wrong with footballer’s girlfriends is symbolised here, in this one ensemble. Tatty, over bleached blonde hair with stripper curls. Excessive, unnatural and gravity defying cleavage. Anatomically unachievable waists that often are achieved through questionable nutrition. Absolutely, not a single vein in her tiny lolly pop body that has any fashion sense, what-so-ever.



This is where this look ends up! Isn't that right Mrs Flutie?!


Kristie N

A gold star for Kristie, who looks lovely and sophisticated. The fantastic shape of the dress, with her restraint in hoisting her breasts over the top of the cleavage line is beautiful. Sublime hair and makeup and her not being afraid to go black means Kristie gets a tick in my book.


Lauren K

‘Grab her, shit, I didn’t see that’s what she was wearing, I was too focused on keeping my white shoes white! Quick, some one help me hold her back! Her boobs have already fallen way too far out of that crap dress. Seriously, I think she’s thinks she is the new Rebecca Twigley and I love my woman, but come on, Twiggers is another level.’


Leanne Tucker

If some one I knew was blind and asked me to describe what their friend Leanne had worn that night this would be my take on it: Peppemint colour velvet carpet with a slit up to an inappropriate level, with a singlet top of sewn together paper punch holes from all the office hole punches. The friend would then probably beat me up but at least I would have accurately described what Leanne was wearing.


Lisa Loyd

I never thought I would say this but Lisa, have a look at Tanya Buckley, that’s maternity dressing (it hurts even now). I don’t understand why a perfectly nice navy blue dress with jewellery embroidery had to be ruined, desecrated by tule tuft circles. WHY!!!!!


Mara

It should probably go that the winner on the night, should also have the best played dresser and Mara, she looked good. Sweet, innocent, pretty blonde hair with sensational red dress (team spirit = boyfriend points). And who doesn’t love hearing that after a month of dating him back in ’03 she didn’t muscle her way to the Brownlow but he took his mum instead!! Awwwhhh!


Mrs Stynes

Unusual, different, unique and you know what…I love it. She looks youthful and fresh, the shoes while not entirely red carpet, are great. The cute cap sleeves and polka dots give it all a very French, very elegant feel. Oui, Oui!


Nameless Girlfriend

I wasn’t able to get a name for this woman and considering what she’s wearing, it’s probably better I don’t. This is the ultimate Dotti/Glassons/Supre dress and the less we focus on it, the better.


Rachel McLeod

What can one say about a girl who brands herself? Is there much to say that doesn’t relate her to cattle. This is the kind of thing you come up with one night when you’re so drunk and you think saying the word ‘fork’ is hysterical. Apparently this took five hours to do, which means she’s even dumber than she looks!


Mrs Tredera

Something must be in the water in Adelaide, and not in a good way. A mutated fashion retarded gene of some kind, flowing into the drinking supply. It would explain both Mrs McLeod and Mrs watch out, you’re about to get a free lap dance courtesy of my half dress Tredea. You can just imagine her finishing up the red carpet walking inside and doing the biggest dress hike known to man!


Samantha Lane

Did they run out of sequins? Is that even possible? This could have been a really great dress for Sam, the cut of the dress was working well for her and she was looking good. It’s the crappy sheer gaze at the bottom. Its designer cost cutting and I won’t stand for it!


Olivia

Look, Olivia just had a baby, like only a couple of weeks ago, so already it must be hard. Still there are much better ways to dress around a post pregnancy. Vapid blue with attention drawing drapery across your stomach is really only one step away from a pointing neon arrow to said problem area. The length of the dress only further enhances the problem of making her look like a dowdy electric blue sack.


Sonja R

Firstly, ID check please. Come on, these two must be a combined age of what, 12? Secondly, and I hate to be nasty (oh I love it), maybe Sonja should have gone over the underarms with Venus before heading out the door. The five o’clock shadow should only rest on the man sweetie.


Stephanie M

Oh Stephanie, Stephanie. I feel like it’s a hard slog, and we’re slowly learning things together but overall you’re not hearing me. I too suffer from many of your problems when it comes to dressing. Heavy, big boobs – yes sir; stomach of flub (not quite flab, not quite tub), yes me too. But there are dresses in the world that help hide not accentuate. This sarong you’ve wrapped around yourself, is very pretty pattern but not a dress. It doesn’t do you any favours, however as in recent times, it’s not your worst, which leads me to our learning lessons. Your home work for this week, bra shopping.


Susie Kouta

A number of questions arise from looking at this puzzle of a dress…why so many crappy sequined brooches? Why so many prom queen layers? Why the crazy someone knifed my dress, slash across the cleavage? Why a bag that matches nothing at all on your dress? Why Susie, why?


Tania Hird

While most of the senior ladies performed above and beyond, Tania let the team down in a very un-Hird like way. This outfit is what synchronized swimmers wear right before they jump in the pool. I’m actually waiting for her to rip of the dress, revealing her sparkly bathers, dive into the fountains at Crown and perform Swan Lake, An Aquatic Journey.


Tanya Buckley

I never, ever, in my wildest, crazy, one day I’ll rule the world dreams would I ever think I’d say this. Tanya Buckley you look good. Great colours, with fantastic hair (Mrs Hird take note), demure bump dressing (Mrs Lloyd take note) and good use of pre baby cleavage without being over the top (Mrs B Spears take note). How long this maternity induced fashion joy will last, who knows but here’s hoping.

In a supreme lead up to Harsh Light of Day’s night of nights – Brownlow night, the next best thing came out to play this week. Nine versus Seven D-grade celebrities trying to impress their various network chiefs, which gives us a plethora of fashion nightmares. Oh goodie!

Alexandria Davies

Looking at this outfit gives me the strongest urge to grab Alex by the shoulders and turn her around and around like a spinning top. Then I would get her a dunce’s hat, thread black and white ribbons out the top and dance around this May Pole dress. And do you really have to ask how bad a dress is when there is a hula hoop sewn into the hemline.


Alison Cratchley

I equally loathe this out and equally love it. I love it for lace sheer top and matching cream skirt, I love her demure soft curl swept hair. I loathe the belt over the top (for God sake’s people), I loathe it because she forgot to tell the Seven tailor to take the dress length up a inch. And mostly I loathe it for the white, cotton Bonds sports bra she has on underneath. With glamour dressing should go glamour underwear.


Amy Mathews

Amy continues to dazzle me with her appalling choices. She of the Brides of Christ outfit from our early days here at Harsh Light, triumphs again in this denim bikini top over pink sack with what looks foil pieces run through a blender that have static electricity to thank for sticking to her dress. Yes, man behind her, turn away, save your eyes while you still can. The rest of us are not so lucky.


Candice Alley

I can see where Candice thought she might have been onto a winner here. I’ve highlighted in the past my delight at dresses that have tie over fluffery -Kate Ritche at the Logies take a bow. However the major difference between Kate and Candice is the colour, Kate had two whereas Candice’s one colour choice just looks like she got the straps of her dress caught and has been trying to unravel herself the whole limo ride over. Obviously time ran out.


Erin McNaught

Erin Mc I Almost Won but Now I’m a Sub Standard Jennifer Hawkins Fill In, continues to prove why she didn’t wrestle the diamond tiara down under. It’s all the extras here, or lack thereof, the pasty legs – and I’m first to admit it’s been a long winter but I’m not at a press call in a mini. The Payless stilettos and unpolished toe nails – tsk, tsk. Even the dress just doesn’t sit right on her. I can actually imagining it working on someone else but Erin doesn’t have the shazzam to pull it off.


Georgie Gardner

Clearly when they sold Prix D’Amour Rose Hancock Porteous old digs, there was a garage sale and Rose got rid of a few dresses. Well Georgie’s been the lucky, I would say unlucky benefactor of a tiger print wrap dress, that looks more like throw from the local bordello than a dress. Quite possibly the most unflattering dress I’ve seen on a celeb in a good while (Kate Fischer not included – she’s another level)


Holly Brisley

At the moment on Home and Away, Holly’s character is romancing her sixteen year old daughter’s boyfriend – yes it’s gripping real life drama. She is clearly stealing from her wardrobe as well, cause Holly’s thrown on every Cosmo/Cleo adorned fashion of the past five minutes in an effort to out trendy a trend. Shorts – yep, footless tights – there and not going away, bomber silk jacket – just like the ANZAC’s wore. She completes the outfit with a top that Target designers would even roll their eyes at and turn down.


Indiana Evans

‘Edelweiss, Edelweise, every morning you greet me!’ Either Indy’s putting in an early bid for a role in the Aussie Sound of Music or some stylist is laughing their ass off right now. I am hip enough (hip as word is a dead giveaway that I’m not) to realise that Indy’s attempt to Mischa Barton herself a style but have you seen how stupid Mischa looks lately? It’s a fine line Indy and you are right now over the line and into the role of Leisel Von Trapp.


Jennifer Hawkins

I hate, hate, hate, hate it. The colours are horrifically bad together, she looks like a pastel life saver lolly. Her only saving grace is the fit around the wait corset area which is so flattering but even then the rest of it is a cm too much cleavage and straining ugly fabric across the lower waist.


Jessica Rowe

Spring is definitely here and every TV personality seems determined to project that in clothing. And while yes, Jess does look like a pimp for Peter’s Ice Cream circ 1970, I don’t entirely hate it. The colours work a hell of a lot better than some people today (Jennifer). My only drama is the heavy clumpy brown shoes that weigh it down. Where’s a springy strappy shoe Jess?


Jody Rigby

It must be hard working with all those boys in a gardening environment. I bet Jody secretly harbours a dream of one day walking into that backyard and every man on site, stops and turns and stares at her with melting eyes akin to Danny Zuko checking out hot Sandie. Yet those crazy Blitzers will only ever see poor Jods as a little sister and this outfit won’t do anything to change that. Clearly short on time, she’s used what was available to her on set. The picnic blanket which she’s rolled in and stapled gunned together and then the host family’s youngest child’s tap shoes.


Kate Fischer

God I so want to hate it, I really do. But to be fair, it’s a massive improvement for Kate. She looks polished, not strapped into the dress and it actually fits her well. Yes, the damn belt everything craze continues but it’s not too bad. Breathe a sigh of relief Kate, I’ve let you through, but I’ll be watching.


Kate Ritchie

It goes against my entire nature but I like this number, creases and all. It’s flattering to Kate and it’s fresh, it’s glamour without being over the top for Australia and her side swept hair is beautiful and subdued. It’s firmly cementing in my mind Kate’s a game day performer. As Alf would say ‘Flaming Hell.’


Krystal and Camilla

I feel bad that Camilla’s getting dragged into this but you stand next to that on a red carpet and you’re asking for trouble. In outfit that has to be solely sponsored by Supre and Mystic Tan, Krystal dazzles in how trash-tastic she can be. Posh Spice eat you over tanned heart out, a new competitor is on the block. The awful yellow shoes and how good am I, cause I’ve got jugs around my chin stance only make me want to throw things at her.


Nichole Dickson

Nichole has clearly been away from the game for so long, she was surprised to be invited to such an event. Begging friends she finally found someone to lend her one but only realised on the red carpet, it was two sizes too big. In crafty effort to divert attention from the masses of extra fabric she tucked the hem into the neckline and prayed for fashionistas to assume a new trend and not delve deeper.


Nicola Charles

This is an assault on retinas everywhere. The trashy pink is further enhanced by the diamontes tastefully sprayed all over the dress and nothing says trailer trash like a slit up the leg. The necklace also has no business associating with that dress. Very suburbs glamour.


Sara Groen

The stylists at Seven must have got a massive discount on hula hoops and offensive mind altering prints. Like Alex Davies, Sara’s dress is an optical illusion that reminds me more of Charlie and his trip to the Chocolate Factory than elegance, style and grace. Tis a shame really as Sara seems to be a lovely looking girl with very usable tools at her disposal.


Sonia Kruger

One week Sonia improves for the next five she’s terrible. This dress looked absolutely OTT horrid on screen. The heavy thick straps giving her a Chinese swimmer look and with enough sparkles to make Dame Edna say ‘too much darling’. The black prints that are haphazardly sewn around the dress more resemble nasty stains than interesting design.


Young Divas

Saving the absolute best for last, these girls are glutton for punishment. Left to Right –

Kate, oh my God! - If you went to someone and said 'pick a dress for me that will accentuate all my worst bits and make me look ten times my size', this is the dress they would pick. And what is the silver thing? It looks like a misplaced chastity belt!

Emily – take one table cloth run down to Spotlight, wrap self in tulle and hey presto a formal out fit!

Paulini – The three harbingers of fashion death on either side ruin you, as does the tatty hair extensions. Also go home, stand in front of a mirror and practice posing, practice to never stand front on, practice the over the toe cross leg stance. PRACTICE!

Ricki-Lee – It’s a nice day for a white wedding. When I went to Vegas and had the best time ever because the alcohol flowed freely like a river, my sister and I decided to witness a few weddings. I truly believe that Sue Anne Jo Stanton who married Ricky Elonso Jnr with their three lovely children from four different relationships as witnesses, was wearing something very similar to Ricki-Lee’s dress. And that’s the lesson for you Ricki-Lee.

Amanda F

It’s my favourite time of year…football awards time across the nation. And with every footballer comes every aspiring starlet who wants to show just a little too much flesh in effort to make newspaper pages. Well Amanda is no different, this back baring number is clearly designed to grab attention of oo’s and aah’s. Only problem it’s a little to much like Chris Judd’s side dish from two years ago. Been there, flashed that.


Bessie Bardot

One compliment I can give to Bessie is her consistency. Girl’s got a theme and she’s sticking to it, come hell or high water. Another mid knee length skirt with strapless top and standard pulled back hair. She seems to have this time maybe tried to change though – she literally has thrown a towel from the bathroom over the shoulders in an effort to hide from me. I’m too good for that!


Claire H

Holy momma Claire certainly is bringing the ladies out tonight. Hopefully she got a ticket for them both cause I’m don’t know if she could squeeze them all onto one seat. It’s an incredibly interesting dress, and not interesting as unique and stylish, more interesting like a magic eye. I also worry about the circulation in her legs. When laces are that tight – muscle atrophy can often result.


Unknown Dally M Lady

I think our unknown friend here is confused. She’s a week ahead of her dressing schedule. This is the outfit she should be wearing on the Hawaii theme night for the boys end of season trip. Why else would one be wearing a bikini with tassles to a formal function? The only other option is her shift finished early at the Spearmint Rhino.


Jane Fleming

Well, at least Jane’s out of the crushed velvet in horrific colours. However in her rush back to black to try and redeem herself, clearly there is still a way to go. Any denim jacket that has been attacked by a glue gun and sprinkles should be avoided at all costs. And stealing shoes from the Witches of Eastwick set is never a good idea. Long way to go Jane, long way.


Kate Fischer

You have to ask yourself how well your career’s going when you are standing on an empty red carpet, with no one looking on, in front of a Hungry Jacks. If you can’t even attract attention from the bums and winos then it’s time to call the agent. And what’s even worse, Kate’s running behind the bandwagon of fashion and picking up whatever trend’s been thrown off. Cork shoe heels – check, pattern stockings – check, black dress with unique tying up method – check.


Kathryn Eisman

A misplaced salute to Andre Agassi? A game of netball run over time? Kathryn Eisman baffles with this number here. The black shirt and red jacket aren’t bad but the teaming with a netball skirt? I simply can’t explain it! Also Kathryn’s posture problems continue – stand up straight woman! Another tip – when your clothes match the background, move away.


Lee Furlong

Lee is trying, she really is. The dress is far better but honey, darling, sweetie – I write this blog to yes, mock and laugh at you but also to help, so you know what everyone’s wearing, so you know what to avoid. Sophie Faulkiner, Logies, this year. I even commented on it! Do you have to come back to Harsh Light school for a refresher course?


Sam Worthington’s friend

There is a deep love of Sam Worthington. A love of a moody man, a love of a man in scrubs. That love does not however extend to his badly dressed friend (see how I’m scaling that one down?). Yes, vests were briefly in but actually vests from the eighties. Yes, skirts are good cause spring’s coming but not a skirt made from the carpet of local RSL. Yes, tights were in but not with open toed shoes and heels that a twelve year old would wear on her first night out.


Tara Moss

Here is definitely one way to get people to read your book. Dress like a saucy dominatrix and threaten them with looks of sizzling fire. Seriously though Miss Moss, isn’t this type of attention dressing a little desperate? In fact, it’s a lot desperate. This outfit doesn’t make me think author extraordinary, I makes me think ‘how much for the night?’