The Harsh Light of Day

Adam Goodes and partner

I think Adam and his lady didn’t realise they were going to the same event. She’s glamoured right up and he’s heading off to the local best and fairest. Seriously Adam, did you even take off your footy boots? And little lovely, don’t think I didn’t spot your dress. Sure it’s formal, but its power puff formal wear.

Ada Nicodemou

I must admit I can’t help Ada. I don’t know what it’s like to dress as a small person. It must be hard I’m sure, but I would think that wearing bulky trenches and carrying bags that are almost the same size as you wouldn’t help. I would think you would just avoid all items that have the word large in them.

Ann Saunders

She’s such a respectable dresser Ann Saunders and I guess by her professional standards she needs to be. Nobody is going to trust the woman telling us about international terrorism while wearing leggings and a tunic. Still Ann, I wondered when you step out from behind the desk, could you live it up a little, just a smidge…maybe experiments with sleeve lengths?

Cameron Diaz

Rebounding with a freaky looking magician aside (yes Cameron a magician – JT’s rebounded with Jessica ‘how hot is my arse’ Biel, and you with a …magician! Time to start asking a few questions. Still the girl looks hot. The dress is perfect for the solo celeb launch and I give extra points for the fact, weather be damned she was wearing her dress. And yay for the blonde hair, way better look for you.

Charlotte Lindstrom and Sofia Ruffino

Oh my god, when I asked for an alligator style purse, I mean, you know, faux.

Frank Sweet

Frank has committed the ultimate metrosexual inner Melbourne boy classic mistake. In an attempt to look cool and contemporary and oh so hip, he’s added to his outfit. So instead of a nice jean/t-shirt/jacket ensemble, Frank now looks like he’s getting ready to rob the local 7/11. and even then Frankie, colourful scarf when a simple balaclava will do.

Natasha Harvey and Joel Edgerton

Joel’s come back after his stunning turn in Star Wars as somebody’s uncle didn’t magically propel him to international stardom and he’s stepped straight into the loving, embracing arms of a giant, human walking lyabird. The lyabird is so fashionable she’s even accessorised with earrings, impressive the current crop of birds we have.

Sometimes, when Erin McNaught and Krystal Forscutt having something on and can't come to the opening of a letter, Lady Harsh looks overseas and checks out the cutting edge fashion.

MTV Japan Music Awards



Ami and DJ K

Clearly hand gestures are big in Japan. I imagine this to be some sort of Mark Holden touch down action as seen on Japanese Idol. It’s a gesture that’s take over the country. Shazzam!

Sowelu

You must be careful though, because the gesture is actually quite tricky.

Ai and Shouko

And then it just gets out of hand. You’re being all cool and then you get way too into it and this happens!

Ya-Kyim

You know when you have those crazy weird dreams were impossible things happen…like Tom Cruise and Keith Urban in the Big Brother house (yes, I am seeking medical attention.) I imagine that if I had one of those crazy dreams in which everyone was speaking Japanese, this is the what would happen to the Young Divas.


And Human Nature

Ocean’s 13 – A Retelling


‘Okay everyone, keep your eyes peeled cause Lady Harsh is going to be here and I’m so excited.’


‘I’ve got this section covered. I’m keeping a top notch lookout.’


‘Calm down B-boy, I’ve got it, I’ll find her, I’ll feel her out with my old school charm,’


‘She’s still not here, where is she? Seriously, I’m getting bored.’


‘George, I’ve got the bushes covered!’


‘Why don’t you look up there losers?’


‘GEORGE! I FOUND HER, she’s at the bar! Lady Harsh, we’re coming, hang on and can you order me another mojito.’

Anne Saunders

Anne’s a classy elder lady, and I’m all for that. There’s absolutely no need for some one like Anne to turn up on the red carpet in leggings and a tunic. Still Anne, you can put in a bit of effort. This is very Sanctuary Lakes dinner party. Either that or it’s from the J-Lo Senior line – for that fly grandma who knows how to work her velour.


Bessie Bardot

Really Bess, you’re really going to stand there and try and pretend you’re all bad arse rock’n’roll. Like sticking a skull and cross bones bandana and wearing red shoes (oh MY!) now mean you and Keith Richards are on the same level. Cause I don’t think so. Hilary Duff is more rock’n’roll (she kills it in Raise Your Voice, take my word!)


Erin McNaught

Oh for God’s sakes just go home! There’s nothing more anyone, including you can do here, you’ve flogged the 15 minutes to within an inch of its life. You’re a J-Hawk, Meggie Gale, Elle-Mac wannabe, who never could be, so just pack up and go home, and take the Supre clothes with you.


Elly May Barnes

No wonder poor Jimmy is having heart trouble. If I tried to leave the house looking like that, my Dad would have given the mortal coil a good shake too. In Elly May’s defence, it’s pretty rock’n’roll and this is a girl who was part of the Tin Lids – if you can come back from that, then hats off to you.


Ian Moss

For those with faded memories about who exactly Ian Moss is, let’s just refresh –

‘She’s gonna build me up,
just to tear me down,
[something something] all swing around,
I won’t leave till the [something] sound,
cause Tucker’s daughter’s a memory.’

Yes, Ian Moss is up there with eighties pop idols we all thought had rocked up to the great Countdown concert in the sky. No, it seems Ian is still with us. In the guise of a cool, likable Year Eight Art Teacher.


Katy Steele

Firstly let it be said, I far preferred Katy's hair when it was rocker cool black/brown. It just had something extra about it. Here she looks like Gigi Edgely’s runaway twin sister. Secondly, I’m all for blending outfits in a hip rock girl kind of style that most people can’t pull off. But when most of the outfit comes from Peter Allen’s wardrobe circa his baby going to Rio, you have to wonder how rocker is that?


Mark McEntee & Melanie Greensmith

The auditions for Australian Idol 2024 were proving testing for Andy G and his new co-host Stephanie McIntosh, hot off her panto season in UK.


Renee Brack

If someone were to ask me what Renee’s profession was, based on her outfit, I would immediately and confidentially say a very successful tattoo artist. Other roles would include personal trainer and security guard because ladies should never, ever, were baseball caps on a red carpet!


Sami Lukas

I feel Sami gets a bad rap, and let’s be honest, I’m usually the first in line to serve that badness to her. But tonight, Sami looks pretty nice, in fact, I’d venture to say she looks quiet lovely. It’s a flattering style and cut on her and it makes her look like a little snow angel.


Tim Rogers

I seem to recall, and please, correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t there a point in time, not too long ago when Tim Rogers was supposed to be hot. I myself was never a huge fan, I’m a little more of a nice boy girl, but still, even for a hard rocker, he’s looking a little rough around the edges. Tim, trust me when I say, I’m all for making sure you don’t miss out on the free booze, but maybe just the glass for the photo next time. And maybe give Daryl Somers back his jacket too.


Tom Williams

Look at Tommy boy, trying to convince us he’s all mean and tough. Yes, Tommy you are, you’re a big brave boy, yes, stick out that chin, nice and proud. And with that can in hand on the red carpet, what a rebel you are. Ohhh Tommy-you know what, I can’t pretend anymore. Tom, you’re cute, that’s who you are, you’re not dark and twisty, you just don’t have it in you. Leave that stuff to Meredith Grey.

And so it was decided that just over a year ago, there would be venting, there would be nastiness, and there would be mocking of all people's fashion choices – especially the Young Divas.

That’s right people, it’s a year since I began Harsh Lighting people and boy, the fun just hasn’t stopped. From small beginnings of an email to friends, to hate mail, celebrity mail and Tiffani Wood, it’s been awesome.

Year Two hopes to be bigger (not really because that would require work) and better (not on the spelling and grammar checking part). The major goal this year is to get Melbourne Spring Racing invitations. That’s right kiddies, Mummy wants to go out – spread the word that you’d love to read my blog direct from Spring Races and hopefully some major marquee will sponsor me (shut up, I can dream). Come on people I think we can make it happen – remember it’s not what you know, it’s who you know and how you use them!


Emily Barclay

We haven’t seen Miss Barclay for sometime here at Harsh Light – that may have something to do with her excessive use of black tights. Maybe she went to tights rehab and like Lindsay Lohan didn’t quite learn from her rehab, as I don’t think Emily has really truly commited to lessen her use of black tights. Say it with me Emily, ‘we first must admit we have a problem and then take the steps to face the problem.’


Erika Heynatz

Admittedly I’m not the hugest fan of Erika’s choices. She’s got the absolute complete package with which she could make a very pretty picture. Most times she finishes her pictures and then ruins it by splattering stuff all over it. Tonight however, I’m suitably impressed by Erika. The dress could only work on some one with her height but work it does, the shoes match and the hair is soft and lovely – so much so I think Pantene might be on the phone Erika.


Isabel Lucas

Izzy’s back! Wherever she went, she has returned from and so have the Jesus sandals. Listen Izzy darling, I’m all for comfort, it’s my primary goal when dressing, but we’re not talking about me (we should though, as we have very similar tastes in men). The point is, Jesus was a great man, wine into water, that’s some good party tricks but Izzy, the last I heard, you didn’t have that number up your sleeve. So maybe until you’ve mastered that, maybe step out of Jesus’ sandals.


Krystal Forscutt

What I love about this girl is absolutely nothing. I think she’s a vain, untalented waste of space. What’s even more exciting is, now thanks to her phone-sex renditions of songs on Singing with Celebrities, she will be appearing on red carpets more often and will therefore be bringing that quality slutty quota to each event. She is our lovely equivalent of the Page Six girls in the UK and while that’s a compliment to her, for most it’s not.


Kit Willessee

I’m all for marching to sound of your own drummer, dancing to your own beat and all those empowering euphemisms for being a sad loner. There comes a time though, when you realise you’ve wandered so far from the pack that you are Miranda in the drag queen reworking of Picnic at Hanging Rock.


Lisa Hensley

It’s hard, it’s so hard because there’s nothing particularly offensive about this outfit at all. The boots are fine, the tights are very in, the jacket is okay and the hair is standard. But it’s all a bit mumsy for me, it’s all bit too much Parent Teacher Interview Night Planning Session. Hey Lisa, I’ve got the scones sorted, can you bring the coffee and tea?


Libby Richmond

Okay Libby you’re cold? You’re hot? What’s going on here. We’ve got a sleeveless one shoulder dress and belt but then we’ve got riding boots, scarf and leather jacket. Unless you’re about to head off on The Amazing Race and you’re preparing for all climates, you need to make a strong decision. Hot or cold, pick one and stick with it.


Maria Venuti

So the story goes that even though her show wasn’t nominated and she would have no reasons to be there, Mrs Venuti was a little miffed that she and her heaving bossom weren’t just invited for good times. Well join the club Maria, I’m still waiting for my invite! I get the feeling that this outfit was the Logie dress reused. And surprisingly for Maria, the rack is actually quite demure (in regards to what it normally would be!), of course it could be the angle and the fact she’s wearing Plucka Duck’s cousin.


Pia Miranda

Good lord this girl does so well. Every six months she just appears, wearing a delightfully trendy, very flattering, very cool, hip outfit. It’s the kind of outfit I envy and then of course, stupidly try and imitate and end up looking like a Giant Purple People Eater threw up on me. Still, Pia the sign of great fashion choices is when the masses try and copy and fail. Makes you look better and also garners more respect from the triers.


Tara Moss

Giant improvements from Miss Moss who let the leather fetish go and turned up looking sexy without looking whorey. The colour is quite interesting and the fit is snug but sexy. It gives her a fantastic J-Lo ass, and if we learn anything from J-Lo, it’s all about the ass.

Alison Cratchley

I am a lover of art – sure of course, I love art that’s cheap but looks like I’m cool and cultured and people think I’ve spent a bomb when in fact it was painted by a street vendor in Bali and costs the same as a packet of Extra. That’s besides the point for Alison, because she’s obviously an art lover and that’s great but honey, art belongs on the walls, not on a dress.

Anthony Callea

Anthony, firstly, we haven’t spoken since you came out. Bravo and good on you, although I’m with Dave Hughes, not a total shocker. And you know what that makes you, our resident gay pop icon and there’s at least five years of cache in that. Back to the clothes though, I’m just wondering why you borrowed Ronald McDonald’s tie. Seriously is that a clown tie? Maybe if you actually tied it up properly it might not look so big.

Asher Keddie

I want to like, man do I really want to like it. To me however, it’s just a bit like her show Love My Way. Fantastic acting, brilliant execution, lots of fans and just about the full bang of good stuff but then there it is, the slight condescending tone.

Amy Matthews

Amy is recognised in my house as probably the worst dresser for her size. And that’s in no way saying her size is a bad thing but she’s making herself look like a Chinese swimmer in a formal speed suit. She should take notes from people Sara Ramierz from Grey’s or America Ferrara from Ugly Betty. Also the added ick factor of her date being the guy that plays her brother on the show. Something a little Tasmanian in that.

Charli Delaney

If anyone watches the brilliance that is Extreme Makeover, you know that we start of with generally butt ugly people and then make them over to a shiny startlingly over buffed white. They also usually makeover their wardrobe from giant jean overalls to Wheel of Fortune dresses. Charli is modelling what I deem the Ultimate Extreme Makeover dress.

Caitlin Stasey

Okay people let’s put this into a harsh frightening light. Caitlin was born in 1990! That’s right 1990!! And anyone who is born in 1990 should not be dressing like a little hoochie mamma. Bikini formal wear is and never will be appropriate. Go home young lady, put on a jumper and then watch educational repeats of Full House.

Deborah Conway

Firstly, why is Deborah Conway there? I’m sure she’s a great artist and what not but why is she at the Logies, are we just inviting anyone these days and if so, why wasn’t I invited? This outfit would be great, if it was at the ARIA’s but it’s not, it’s the Logies and there is a certain amount of glamour attached to the event and Debs, bless her heart, just didn’t bring that in her tiny little bag of tricks.

Deborah Hutton

Classic, elegant, ladylike and BOH-RING!!!!!!! I am such a damn hard task master but come on ladies, this is THE event for the year. It’s THE red carpet and people are rocking up like it’s the god damn Primary School Christmas Fundraiser Ball. Deb, takes some risks, you’ve got fashion blood in you, give me something.

Eliza Taylor-Cotter

There’s just something about the Neighbours girls that means they all look so try-hard and yet their Home & Away counterparts always dazzle. ETC has raided the Neighbours closest and grabbed all fabrics in a hope of hitting upon one good one. Ruffles, stripes and satin. WAY too much going on here and ETC doesn’t have the rocks to pull it off.

Fifi Box

Apparently falling down some stairs and coming second on Dancing with the Stairs Season 74 means that you’re the new hottest thing on TV. And more power to you Fifi, not my personal cup of tea but good on you for getting yours! Still it’s not time yet to steal Whitney Houston’s breast plate from The Bodyguard –you’re not the Queen of the Night yet.

Georgie Parker

Georgie Parker is obviously a crafty working mum. Too busy to attend dress fittings etc she’s just popped on down to Bizarre Beads and spent a lovely afternoon weaving a nice black number with some gold and woodwork pieces. Resourceful Georgie, very resourceful.

Indiana Evans

Bravo Indy, bravo. After last year’s Supre debacle, this is a step in the right sophisticated, glamorous direction. Quality ticks on hair, makeup, and colour. Above and beyond her years Indy follows the Home & Away trend and works right out of her soap starlet league.

Jamie Durie

I’m all for supporting your primary source of income and with the drought gardeners aren’t really in demand. Jamie though is actually wearing a floral imprint tuxedo. Just say it out loud ‘floral imprint tuxedo.’ ‘floral imprint tuxedo!’ yep, it’s as ugly as it sounds.


Jodi Gordon

Good God I want to pledge my allegiance to this girl. She is so fantastically, brilliantly great at picking the absolute right dress for the right event. Her hair and makeup are always pitch perfect. It’s so unfathomable that she will ever do me wrong, that in fact I live in fear of the day, and of course it’s inevitable, that she will turn up and look decidedly average. I will just close my eyes and click my high together three times.

Johanna Griggs

Oh Joey – your efforts to win Australia’s Most Dowdiest TV Presenter are smack on track for a sweeping victory. Sure Melly Doyle wants the mum’s vote. But in a pink bed valance, you really can’t be topped.

Jennifer Hawkins

Part 2 of the white off and J-Hawk comes in a resounding second place. This is by far the best angle on a badly fitting, abstract zipper dress that pushes the boundaries of Girl Next Door mantle. And it disappoints me, because we all know Jen can do so much better.

Jessica Tovey

Big cahunas to the girl who wears the critically dicey Cameron Diaz Golden Globes dress. You know what though, she does a damn fine job of carrying it off. The hair is slightly OTT but still as a complete picture, it’s unique and girly and its red carpet – it’s damn red carpet so bravo to you Jessica.


Lauren Newton

Lauren is completing her transformation into Patti with frightening speed. The fringe and the shortening hair, it’s getting a little eerie. The dress for Loz, is admitting quite okay. Sure, it’s through gritted teeth I say this and it hurts me but I’m sure tiger print and denim can’t be far away. PS notice the clutch across the stomach, could Newton: The Next Generation be on the way?

Lisa Wilkinson

If Lisa W is angling for a spot on the rotating chair next to Karl then this might not be the outfit to do it with. If she is was hoping to secure a spot on Today: The Flamenco Morning Shift, this is the shirt and sleeves to do it with.

Michala Banas

It’s a little mantra here at Harsh but the Devil’s in the Details. And for Michala it really is. The dress itself is actually pretty great. Stylish, plays up her assets and is cocktail classy cool. Problem being the shoes, they are way too damn heavy for the dress. The hair is also way too slick for the dress. Yes, it should have been up, but the ballet bun is way too severe for the ensemble and those pesky details pull apart what could have been a fine little outfit.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

In her efforts to make us believe she’s still a serious actress and maybe to hide the legs after almost giving away the gander at the MTV Awards, Natalie decides that coming as the bride to Mad Max would win the fashion followers. Sorry Nat, no can do.

Natalie G

For God’s sakes Natalie cut that damn Barbie-esque tatty horse hair. Seriously it’s long enough to braid it like a pony. Still it is hiding what is essentially a putrid green dress. Another satin bow tied monstrosity, it’s so boring and awards dress 1 2 3.

Natalie Seleeba

Another Neighbours starlet, another nightmare outfit. If this were a children’s birthday party and Natalie was the entertainment as Strawberry Shortcake, fine, perfect, great costume. It’s not though, and Natalie just looks like dessert.

Nicky Whelan

Unanimously voted the ugliest dressed of the evening (the poll was inclusive of me, myself and I). Nicky looks like a Sienna Miller impersonator who then ran through a florist and fish market and came out wearing this! If a stylist came to you and said flowers and pink netting, would you think ‘hot stuff’? No, didn’t think so.

Pippa Black

Ruffles must have been going really cheaply in the Ten fashion department. Either that, or there is a seriously disgruntled ex-wardrobe assistant who was fired but took the girls down with a last memo re the hottest new trend: ruffles! It’s not as bad as last year but Pippa’s infatuation with tulle needs to be curbed immediately.

Ricki-Lee Coulter

Oh no Ricki, no. I’ve figured out what the problem with you is; you’ve had the Young Divas to out ugly you. You’ve had Kate, Paulini and Emily to soften the blow, but out here on your own - no where to run. Out here in the open light I can actually see that you’re wearing a collection of antique handkerchiefs over a white dress with all the spare ribbon your seamstress had lying about.

Shelley Craft

Dear Shelley,

A letter from the Australian Tax Department. You seem to have claimed a formal gown for the 2007 Logies. We understand this is common place and expected, however you have charged for a full length gown when pictures indicated otherwise. We see no fraud claim against your gown designer attached and therefore must ask you remove the gown from your claims.

Best,
I.HV Monee

Sonia Kruger

I think finally, all those sparkles have gone to Sonia’s head. Or she was actually hit in the head by the disco ball and thought this outfit was a lovely plain white dress with a nice necklace. Either way, she’s joined the Great Wall of China as a man made object to you can see from space.

Stephanie McIntosh

Is it against Steph Mc’s DNA to dress well twice in a row? Does she break out in an allergic reaction? Because there’s no other reason for this play up my faults dress. Why double ribbon your hips when you have known badly photographed hips? Why cover the best asset of those lovely legs? Why chance a strapless bra, when you’ve got a set of ladies that need support? WHY STEPH WHY??

Susie Porter

In an early move for a role in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Morans: The Carl Williams Story, Susie puts a claim on for the early years of Judy Moran. I have definitely complained, vocally, in the past of Susie’s casual approach to red carpets. Well, Susie took me way too literally and decided to get her fashion tips from a Big Brother contestant.


Sandra Sully

Look at me,
I’m Sandra, see
Wholesome and pure
Oh so bright and unsure
A poor man’s
Sandra, see

Sandy, you must start anew
Don’t you know what you must do
Strange as it may seem
Stay away from pink and green
Goodbye to Sandra, see!!!!

Sharni Vinson

I can not believe how impressed I am with Sharni and her drastic improvement. From Supre lover and tan-aholic to classic, elegant and dignified with allure and adult sexiness. The H&A young set really did throw down a massive challenge and as a combined group receive my BOC Award - Best on Carpet.

Tania Zaetta

Tania mentioned on her red carpet interview that she was originally scheduled to wear another dress until she was given this to wear. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? Look, I know Tania you like to think you’re some massive Bollywood star and that we’re foolish enough to believe you but unless you’re name is Shilpa Shetty, Aishwarya Rai or Brett Lee we don’t believe it, so give it up and dress properly, otherwise go hang out with Liz Hurley.

***

And thus endeth the thoroughly exciting and incredibly exhausting Logies coverage. Holy mother of gold statues I need a drink and a small coma. We will now head back to regularly scheduled Monday posts.

You can email me (on the top left) to receive the weekly notice of updates or to rant and abuse me for any number of spelling, grammar and people mistakes I make with wild abandon for journalism each week.