The Harsh Light of Day

Okay, I’ve been terribly lazy and there was no update last week. And yes, there has been plenty of things to Harsh about, so really there’s no excuse but sometimes people, mamma has to live. Or in my case, do my laundry and get ready for my real job. Yep, I have one. I would say I promise that we are back on track here at Sunday but I won’t cause forks in the road and all that jazz. I am mildly confident (Marcia Hines is there room on your fence to sit) that I should be back on track.

Billy & Aleisha

Secretly, just between you and me, and a few other people. I’m secretly kind of pleased and very much surprised to see these two still together. Unlike previous BB relationships these two have been quietly restrained and private, which is frankly AMAZING! While the Blue Steel gaze that Billy’s attempting here is failing dismally and I’m not too sure about Aleisha’s Bee Movie dress, my more romantic side is going to let it pass – because who doesn’t secretly support a little reality TV romance – and don’t lie.

Bree & Brodie

These two on the other side of the coin, annoy the CRAP out of me. Firstly, I have no explanation for Bree’s dress sense and secondly her continual employment at Ten. And Brodie ... some people on reality TV can be annoyed about being portrayed as an idiot. I firmly believe you are a full time idiot. The glasses, mullet and self satisfied cheesy cat grin don’t sway me differently.

Camilla Frank

Dear Diary,
Tonight I went to a launch for a new hotel, something about pioneering and getting back to nature. The invitation mentioned something about meeting the natives, so I dressed in this awesome bearskin pantsuit. I found it on sale at the Paddington Markets. The guy I bought it off said something about it being a great rug but what does he know about fashion – I’m the designer! So basically, I was totally themed up and everyone else just came looking normal and lame. Losers,
Growling, Cami!

Chloe Lattanzi

Um...interesting, it’s well...there’s...well...okay, here’s goes...yeah...um...hmmm...I got nothing, there are simply no words.

Damien Leith

How do you stand in front of a mirror on the way out the door and as heterosexual male who is appealing to the nanna & mum market, see sparkly black tuxedo jacket, tight man t-shirt with no collar, a weird piece of rope masquerading as a tie, off colour denim and formal polished shoes and think I look matching and good and will make people remember my Idol time fondly? Do you dim the lights for that?

Danielle Foote

How is Danielle still on the celebrity guest list? Sure, it’s not the AFI’s but still, I’m surprised to see her dragging out the fifteen minutes so long. Especially in the orphan Annie sack dress she is wearing. Yes, she’s matching and her accessories and shoes are good but the dress itself ...it would make an excellent first day period, lay on the balcony dress. Not a red carpet dress.

Monique Coleman & Lucas Gabreel

Who? I hear many, many, many, many people say. They were in a little telemovie recently, didn’t get much attention, I don’t think you would have heard of it. A little something called ‘High School Musical 2.’ Firstly, I will right now say, I am a fan, I know the words, I may have learnt some of dances from the first one and yes, I know this is incredibly sad. However, I am pleased as punch to see Monique looking so good. Usually she’s standing next to the two skinny girls and she chooses to wear something truly horrible. Here she’s looking full figured and proud and sassy and Go Wildcats! (if you've seen it, you'll get it). Lucas is scaring me a little with his demonic Macauley Culkin’s younger brother thing but because he virtually saves the day in HSM2 (it’s okay, I know it’s that sad) I’ll forgive him the hair dye.

Natasha Pincus

A small time actor with indie cred, who dresses as if the world were one giant parent teacher interview. She is the new teacher, probably majored in art and teaches the kids all kinds of neat uses for pipe cleaners and sequins. She’s realised too late that all her wardrobe is tie dyed and hemp dresses and wouldn’t say respectable. So fashioning her pillow case, borrowing her dad’s pants from the 80’s and some of her brother’s school shoes, she thought she’d show those parents a thing or two.

Noni Hazelhurst

Noni has always been fond of a stripe. Whether it’s the couch or the curtains or her skirt, she’s not afraid to see the world as opportunity to audition for Charlie and Chocolate Factory 2: Revenge of the Oompa Loompa’s. With herself in the role as Head Mistress Oompa Loompa, I see box office gold.

Samantha Noble

It was all fine, all normal long hair and black party dress and what have you. And then the shoes that should be classed as weapons of mass destruction. Like a weird cross mutated version of tap shoes with heels and Sammy Davis Jnr rat pack dancing man shoes. If she’s planning a song and dance number for later, good effort in saving on carrying baggage but even then, I’m sure the dressing room would have held them for you.

The marquees are down, the tents folded and the champagne’s all gone. And I have to say, I feel Equine Influenze affected the marquees as well. There was a certain celebrity factor lacking. And who in the hell was Christopher Cross? He is for Dad’s 60th backyard BBQ birthday bash, not the Emirate Melbourne Cup. And the international quality severely poor – Carson Kressly doesn’t count – the dude loves the festival. Maybe people should start sending invites out NOW, like right now, this very instant. Get the emails happening PR people.

Alex Fevola

In what can only be described as bogan/westie high fashion, Alex inexplicably wears a tuxedo vest jacket with a silver scarf threaded unflatteringly through! Also pants! Really pants? For a Ladies Day races lunch at the Broken Hill pub, Alex would look smashing – for a high profile, marquee guest – NO.

Ali Mutch

There’s a gaggle of Sydney stars who aren’t good enough, or can’t afford a Virgin airfare and a night at the Formula 1 Tullamarine to come to Melbourne – who get together and pretend not to be upset over the rejection. In the theme of cheapness Ali does well with her cheap looking dress and very cheap looking head piece.

Ann Marie Cooksley

Ann Marie is paying homage to the idea of excess! Way too much of the hat, way too much of the dress, way too much of the tan, way too much of the hair. In fact, Ann Marie will be a new harbinger of my new phrase WTM. For those slow on the uptake Way Too Much. Congrats Ann Marie on doing something good today, probably not what you’d planned but congrats anyway.

Chris Bath

Well, Chris I must say you look very sophisticated glam. Sure, red shoes and/or clutch to match the hat would have been splendid but of course, the dress itself with the shoulder baring sexiness – very good! Take that newsreaders.

Chrissy Amphlett

The races go Greek grandmothers. Seriously, the only word that springs to mind right now is babushka. However the scarf with its skulls does give it a touch of ‘gang totting babushka!’

Delta Goodrem

Okay, what the hell is going on here? Is Delta planning on heading over to the stables later and planning to help birth a baby fowl? Is she giving the horse their rectal EI checks? Why the gloves of Lady Death? Take them off quick smart or Delta, you’ll find yourself in a Marilyn Manson video.

Fiona Horne

Okay, I hear that marquees have standards and refuse anyone with the listing of ex-Idol or ex-Big Brother contestant, and I fully understand that. You’ve got to set the standards and make it completely out of mere folk reach. You don’t then go and invite and professional witch! And no, that’s not a derogatory term, that’s what Fiona describes herself as one the world’s leading authorities on White Witchcraft. What crowd that must be.

Georgie Parker

Okay, Georgie, when you’re attending a Georgio event you dress up. You find the best outfit in the entire wardrobe and you damn well dress up. You don’t dress up in brown sackless dress with netting. You insult Giorgio and everyone else who attended!

Ian Thorpe

Ian was quite surprised to find so many people outside the massage parlour. Sure, his fame meant people followed him many places but a black carpet with security blockades? Wow this new place sure knew what they were doing. It was at this moment Ian realized he’d forgotten to get his shoes and was still wearing the beauty parlour provided slip ons. Oh well, these were pretty comfortable, maybe he’d keep these instead.

Jennifer Hawkins – Oaks

Out of the three outfits for the week, this was my favourite but wow, what a lacklustre campaign from the J-Hawk. So very achievable and bought off the store rack. Any little teeny bopper with daddies credit card could buy this outfit from the local Myer and while that’s wonderful advertising for Myer, it doesn’t make it her the fashion force she once threatened to be.

Jennifer Hawkins – Cup

This was a far more sophisticated look for the Hawk but alas, a little nutclubbie for what is a daytime event. The amazing floaty fabrics, the feminine touches, the ladylike elegance of last year all gone for pop rocking cool. Sure, it’s with the times, but the J-Hawk should be getting paid millions to be ahead of the times.

Jodi Gordon

I’d be sad too Jodi if I was wearing that outfit. Contrasting silvery fabrics with a ballooning high waisted skirt, and a giant trampoline shirt. Sadness and even tears. In fact, pretty girl like Jodi dressed so badly makes me misty eyed right now.

Kate Langbroek

Kate has always, always, always been some one who marched to her own drummer. Sadly the drummer is an out of time, completely tuneless amateur and that I guess reflects Kate’s clothing choices. In an dazzling display the devil’s shoe workshop has gone into overdrive with those awful clog heels. Kate also may feel, one day, to maybe run a brush through that hair? But far be it from me to suggest such CRAZY ideas.

Kate Waterhouse

The fact that Kate’s the size of a toothpick aside (more jealousy than criticism) I actually quite like this. It’s fun, flirty, yet still daytime ladylike. The ruffles are something that could only be carried off by very few. On others this would be the nightmare 80’s flashback we fear but the mark of a good fashion dresser is making it contemporary.

Matt Newton

Like Ben Cousins refuses to walk anywhere without looking a cocky so and so, Matt Newton refuses to shave, tuck in his shirt and straighten up that tie. And sure dressing doesn’t really have anything to do with the man, but Matt, maybe you’d like to take a few steps forward and meet us half way. Spruce it up a bit, look like you care and we might care back.

Melissa Doyle

It screams mum so badly I want to ask where the rumballs and cucumber sandwiches are and then promise to catch up and the Christmas BBQ at the Johnson’s house. In fact, Mel, where are the rumballs?

Melissa George

High fashion, yep sure. Expensive and out of the reach of all but a few, again big ticks. Sure to impress the fashion packs, of course. Looks like she sat on an emu and wrapped herself in silk curtain with a pink tea cover on her head – definitely.

Rachel Hunter

Part 2 of the ‘Rachel Hunter’s really famous, no, seriously, she’s famous – it doesn’t matter what for alright, she’s famous believe us – no believe IT!’. Maybe like me, her headpiece kept on falling off so she ditched it. Unlike me though, she ditched it into her cleavage. And while that’s incredibly crafty it isn’t particular flattering or alluring. Merely draws attention to the ill fitting and unflattering bodice area of a bad dress.

Sam Brett

Yep Sam was another sad Sydney-ite who didn’t warrant an invitation to the big end of town. And I can’t say I’m at all sad about that because she would have tarnished the marquees with her red dress version of her black dress book launch. Especially the tarnished with the feather duster on the head. So shoo Sam, go back to the clichés and poorly timed advice.

Sonia Kruger

I feel like this nasty photographer caught Sonia on the way of the bathroom with her dress accidentally tucked into her knickers. And for that I won’t judge her because that’s mean.

The Maguires

A much better showing from Carla Maguire and this ladies is race-day wear. Classy, elegant, sophisticated and definitely not a red carpet dress recycled. I am a step away from loving it because it lacks the hat/fascinator/headpiece/adornment, but generally bravo Carla well performed.

Virginia Gay

Warmer, warmer, warmer…Virginia Gay is known to readers here as quite possible one of Australia’s most horrid dressers for her size. Again not a criticism of her weight, but her dressing. This does more her than anything but still, it could be a whole lot better. Why, would you chose stripes? Also baggy – it just invites comments of nastiness. But slowly Ginny's walking away from terrible-ness and heading towards possible goodness. Keep coming Ginny.

I'M back! Yes, ARIA failed promises aside, I'm back and just in time for the Spring Carnival - HURRAY!

Don't forget to check back on Wednesday for Cup coverage, Friday for Oakes coverage and Sunday for the usual stuff.

Ajay Rochester

Oh Ajay, Ajay, Ajay. Why would you pay for hair?? Especially hair that comes from the Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson. It’s very striperella and what’s worse is the dress itself is quite nice. Sure, a bra would have given it an extra lift but overall, it was a very nice ensemble. Until Ken Paves clip on hair ruined the whole thing!

Amy Pearson

I get it, and then I kinda don’t. I see the leather and sure rock star, and glamour and all that jazz, rock your socks off. But then the weird tissue paper décolletage, what’s going on there? Also the lack of rock starry-ness in regards to the rest of the outfit. Some heavy black eyeliner could have worked a treat.

Anna aka Hamish Blake’s Lady Friend

Well, I’m sure glad to see Anna back in the pack, staking her claim that yes, normal ladies, you can too bag a celebrity male. It’s possible! I think she takes her quest to make us all feel like we can achieve greatness a little too far, what with her awful yellow sparkle dress. But that’s nice Anna you felt like offering. PS Love the figure from this angle, you look like you’ve been working hard and so congrats to you.

Bree Amer

Okay I’m officially sick of this pose, especially on Bree Amer but in generally. This ‘how cute and tender and shy am I?’. It doesn’t fly with me and frankly looks stupid. The dress is quite pleasant and a good colour on tanned old Bree. However, is it just me or do those shoes make her toes look splayed?

Christine Anu

Christine once asked us all ‘Why don’t you come join my party?’, well Christine, it’s because we’d all have to dress in revolting citrus colours and wear building site materials as shoes. Hope the party goes well though.

Delta

I’m a robot Delta, I am robot Delta. Can’t you just see it with this dress, pose and stance. I’m waiting for her to start shuffling forward and motioning a robotic fashion. Her dress completes the Star Trek structured look but at least she’s committed to the cause.

Deni Hines

Deni, really, I think it’s about time we sort out what exactly it is you do? Now, I don’t get Foxtel, so maybe you’re hosting some weird reality show called ‘My Mother’s More Famous than I Am’ and having awesome guests like Lauren Newton but I’m not sure so until then I’m not even sure you qualify for celebrity status and thereby fashion reviews don’t count.

Katie Noonan

I like bedspreads, I really do. I like what’s underneath them, I like bunching up under them and snuggling into them. I even like laying on top of them and staring absently out the window. I don’t really like wearing them though and furthermore, I do like doing my hair before leaving my bed.

Megan Gale

I would say all my usual stuff for Meggie G, fierce, awesome, hot and just plain envy worthy but my problem is, I do feel like I’ve seen this from Meggie before and maybe not just once. It’s all good to look like this, but don’t make it a permanent signature style that forever defines you.

Melissa Tkautz

ARIA Barbie really enjoyed her visit to the ARIA’s. She felt like all those around her, Nicole Kidman included that her plastic-ness fit right in. She was unhappy that her owner had mismatched shoes with dominatrix Barbie but she would smile, and shine as all Barbies should.

Missy Higgins

A real conundrum – do I like this, or do I hate this? Is this cool, assured, black jeans rock roll and too cool to care star turn? Or is this, trip to the shops, black jeans from last night at the pub, primary school bow tie shirt?

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Look I can’t say I’m Nat’ s greatest fan, I’m not even a small fan. But I appreciate her efforts and her multi tasking from acting and singing. I don’t appreciate her multi tasking colours here. I don’t appreciate the straight as can be hair do but often my appreciation levels run contrary to others, so you know what – I’ll let it slide. It’s okay.

Raen

Whence the Young Divas announced their split, there was much wailing and nashing of teeth. Who would provide such a joyous union of mismatched clothes? Raen (described by their website ‘With impressive vocal harmonies, electrifying moves, eye–catching looks [I'll say] and their own fresh fusion of pop, rock, dance & funk - huh?) have admirably stepped into the breach. The bastard child of Pussycat Dolls, Young Divas, and the new older, not wiser and far less clothed Spice Girls. Each girl brings a particular trash-tasticness to the proceedings but I especially appreciate the tiger print dress girl, who has paired the outfit with animal print shoes. Carrying a theme to its ungraceful end.

Sonia Kruger

There’s nothing worse than a pretender. I almost prefer someone to go down in a flaming heap at least trying something different and new. Nothing says I have no clue about being a rock star than satin jumpsuit and Sportsgirl Aviator sunglasses – really! Also, what’s all the fuss about Sonia, sure she can stand in front of a microphone and has a few funny quips but next to Grandpa Darryl Somers, anyone looks sassy and funny.

Tiffani Wood

Can I get an AMEN! Can I get HELL YEAH! Let’s all join together on this day and PRAISE JESUS AMEN! Tiffani Wood, take a bow, take a standing ovation, run a few laps of celebration because honey child you deserve it! Wearing a maxi-dress to perfection, you have accentuated your assets (and what fantastic assets they are!) and you’ve worked what your mamma gave you! Hot hair, hot accessories, hot make-up – just damn HOT. Quite possibly the best I’ve ever seen you! PRAISE THE LORD!

Brendan and Alex Fevola

Have stupid, will travel. For those who missed the Sunday papers, Brendan further enhanced his Bogan Courture Line 07 with a missing front tooth! Lovely. Alex, pays homage to Westie era 04 with her zebra hair. Brendan, Alex and the mistress Bingers all deserve each other.

Anna Coren

Anna’s got game! Looking every bit the Derby day black and white with flapper touch, Anna shines. Perfect accessories don’t ruin the intricate-ness of the dress and she absolutely has the Yoga-fied news journalism body to carry it off. Well done Anna and back to the studio. (Cheap jokes a plenty!)

Barbara Hawley & Paul Licuria

Babs and Paulie continue the footballing tradition of it’s all better left on the field. Paul looks to very much have booked a ticket on the early train to untidy-ville. Babs is sporting the must have weird headdress – the bathroom head band holder. The dress itself also doesn’t do anything for her, and also draws close inspection for its sheerness. Barbara, it’s the races honey, time for some covering up.

Dave and Holly Hughes

Very nice and pleasant and I feel like Holly may invite me over for cocktail cucumber sandwiches and tea in the drawing room. Not to say that’s a bad thing, but it just lacks a certain X factor to it. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but the shazaam is missing. And yes, I fully reserve the right to downgrade based on shazaam factor.

James Packer & Erica Baxter

As much as I don’t want to like this dress, I really, really, really do. I don’t like Erica in the dress, her tatty blonde hair and haphazard flower aren’t at all wise choices but that dress is so pretty and ladylike and I just want to touch it! Jamie looks good too, I feel like he’s lost a few kg’s. Maybe he saw those Speedo paparazzi photos from the wedding and called Weight Watchers.

Jennifer Hawkins

The J-Hawk. So lovely and so girl next door. And here she could quite literally be the pretty girl next door, popping over for the Christmas summer BBQ, that you’ve decided you might have in an effort to be more Nigella Lawson, and you buy three tealights and realises that decorating an entire patio is just way to expensive so you give up and buy cheap tinsel and hope no one notices. I may have drifted from the point, and the point being – the J-Hawk can and should do better.

Kate Ritchie

Sally Fletcher’s packing her bags and bongos and hightailing it out of Summer Bay – I wonder how that will affect Kate’s invitations next year to the Birdcage? Probably not much at all. Next year, she might want to match her hat and dress. While the cream hat is lovely, it would have looked better with a cream or brown dress. Her dress is a striking black and white number and it would have looked good with black or white hat. As Michael Jackson says, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. I think he meant the same for fashion.

Megan Gale

Meggie G, Meggie G and her ladies! Woo-zer! Okay, as a representative of ladies with ample ladies I stand up and say Meggie G – give the girls a break. Give the poor ladies a rest, they look incredibly, painfully squashed and everyone needs their lady friends in tip top condition. Also put them away, if only to avoid the unabated stares from all the fellas and even some curious ladies.

Melissa George

Melly George has always marched to her own drummer in the fashion stakes. Even when she was rebellious Angel Parrish on Home & Away, and even with her bed wear line An Angel at My Bedside – oh yes it existed. Here she demonstrates the fine lines between high fashion and silly-ness, I’m sure the Vogue-ettes will love it, I’m sure the normal people will be confused by it.

Michelle Walsh

If I were Michelle I’d hot foot it out of there ASAP. Because sooner or later someone’s going to realise that she’s stolen a centrepiece from the tables and be after her ass.

Rachel Hunter

Wow, if cheap had a dress range this dress would be scene stealing finale number. Hoping Rach didn’t pay too much for this little number because Target are doing a lovely version for about $24.95. If you were watching the telecast, I think Rach realised how underdressed she was at about 10.37am. Pretty entertaining viewing. PS Network Seven - this pissweak thing you called Fashion Extra at the end of the day, you spent have the show talking about some retired nutter's art collection! Put a reporter on Flemington Station at the end of the day and the show will make itself!

Michael Klim & Lindy Rama

While her husband can’t dance Lindy’s got pretty happy that he’s pretty snappy dresser. And while Micky’s doing well, Princess Lindy looks damn fine. That Posh But Better Bob or P Triple B, is awesome. I even love the catnapper gloves. Bravo snazzy people, bravo.

Vanessa Amorosi

With the comeback sliding off the rails, and the train almost about to derail, a good showing at the races really could have helped those tweenies fall under Ness’ charms. Instead she now appeals to all ABC TV watchers of The Convent. I would see Sister Margaret having serious problems with Ness’s arm decorations though.