The Harsh Light of Day

Alex Davis

Let’s not deny Alex is a pretty attractive girl. She’s hot, she’s got a pretty smokin body and that’s no lie but Alex honey, Megan Fox wore the crap out of the dress on the Transformers press tour. And really, it’s nice that you back yourself, good on your with the self confidence but maybe let’s leave Megan to do her thing.

Alex Fevola

Barbie and her pregnant rockers hit the blue carpet. The caftan thing isn’t actually that bad for knocked up author Alex (yes, you read that correctly, author – the world is now on official apocalypse watch) but the braided my hair before bed and then slept in the curls look isn’t so glam Alex.

Brynne Gorden

She’s a shy lass this one isn’t she? Okay here’s the problem with this outfit – it’s completely attention stunt whoring dressing. She knows it’s whore-rrific, we know, everyone is fully up to speed on the utter trashiness of this fat stripper outfit, so it only serves to draw attention to herself and get some good old Herald Sun column inches. Well, she’s achieved her goal by having me talk about her so well done Brynne, the steps you’re taking to Anna Nicole Smith territory are getting closer by the day.

Catherine Chappell

Some designer somehow convinced Catherine that a sequined one shoulder picnic rug was the epitome of high fashion. Whoever this person is should be recruited for international spy missions, because that’s some pretty good bullshitting if I’ve ever seen.

Chantelle Raleigh

You have to wonder, when you need to expose your slit to a media pack, how far have you pushed the boundaries. And no, this wasn’t the only shot of this action! Which is sad, because the colour isn’t actually too bad and the silvery braces criss-crossing the dress aside, it could have been passable.

Deanne Woewodin

Deanne will persist in driving me bananas crazy. The girl does not possess the ability to actually judge her size and buy a dress accordingly. Really Deanne, your breasts are spilling out the top – like Exxon Valdez spilling – honestly would it kill you to cover those puppies up just a fraction.

Donna Johnson

Donna’s single and queen size sheets really came in handy this year. If only she’d made the appropriate hospital corners, her leg wouldn’t have been so exposed.

Felicity Percival

Okay, I’ll admit a soft spot for the Perc. She’s always classy, always elegant and she has job that makes her really impressive and cool. So I don’t mind that Flick looks like a fairy princess bride on the blue carpet – I kinda like it and I’m kinda thinking is she wearing the runner up wedding dress and if so, excellent work!

Justine Viney

Part 2 of the patch work picnic rug conspiracy that swept the field this Brownlow. While being horribly ugly, my other thought is that it looks really damn heavy, and also probably really itchy and now I feel like I’m describing symptoms for a disease. If your dress description is interchangeable with a possible disease diagnosis, things aren’t looking good for you.

Kaitlyn (who received no last name)

While not the sequin shame of the two ladies above, the horrendous pattern of this number puts her into a solid third place in the one shoulder, one sleeve stupidity.

Kendall Nunn

I don’t know when girls thought black tie for a media attending event meant cocktail dress and hybrid boot heels (beels? Hoots?)

Kerry Lavell

Kerry’s boyfriend is the vice-captain my house’s self decided inappropriate name team: Dean Cox. Harry Sidebottom is Captain, Dick of course features and for pure giggles Peaches is in there.

Onto Kerry and her beautifully elegant with a surprise ending dress. I’m not normally a ruffle kinda girl but because Kerry’s pencil figure lends itself to some more detailing, this time I actually quite it enjoy it. The colour is subtle and she presented well on the TV and stood up straight – something many other girls failed.

Lauren Phillips

Sure it was nice, it was pretty, Lauren was pretty and while my house felt her teary-ness was a little thunder stealing (you didn’t play Lauren!), all in all it was pretty okay. But I’m a little underwhelmed – it’s just a little oh, okay, instead of WOW, shazaam - my boyfriend is gonna smoke your asses in the vote!

Lauren Thompson

No one ever, ever put the words tie-dye and formal wear together and came up with a good result. This edgy graphic designer project for Year 12 isn’t blue carpet material.

Olivia Anderson

YOU ARE KILLING ME! Would it kill you to dress nicely once? Maybe not wide and detailed? Maybe book an appointment with the hairdresser instead of the old home remedy, and I’m sure MAC or Napoleon would take a stab at some makeup but Olivia, would you please TRY something different!

Rebecca Twigley

The more I looked at Twiggers, the more I didn’t like it. The bodice especially doesn’t sit with me – the tatas out there for all to see – including a horribly drunk Brendan Fevola at your table. Also, I’ve decided you are make-up pretty – I’d be pretty keen to see you at five in the morning and see what’s going on there.

Sarah Williamson

Sarah, you’re either wearing a weird almost Olympic rings pattern dress, or a blue subdued bridesmaid dress and of course, from those two choices it would be hard. But pick one and stick to committing one fashion crime instead of double dipping.

Tania Buckley

On one hand Tania, you’ve got killer legs and for having two babies look pretty fierce. But disco theme night at Crown is next week and I’m afraid you might need to return the hair extensions before then.

Tania Hird

As reliable as James was as a player, Tania can always be counted on for her long pastel, ice princess with detailing dresses. She’s found her thing and it seems nothing, nothing at all will stop her from that theme.

Emmy’s

Top 5 – Best

Toni Collette

Perfect! Colour, spray tan, hair, jewels – everything. It proves the theory, build it and the awards will come.

Alyson Hannigan

Cute, and the layering really works on the red carpet.

Anna Torv

Different, and the colour is cool and 100 plus extra bonus points for being brave with the cleavage – hope there was some sticky tape going on.

Drew Barrymore

Old school glam done to perfection and the hair tucked is hiding that horrendous, paint bucket dipped hair she’s pretending to think is cool at the moment.

Chloe Sevigny

Cool, hip and marching to sound of her own drum without being the spaced out stoner drummer completely out of tune to the rest of the band (dragged that metaphor all the way!)

Top 5 – Worst

Christina Applegate

The weird mesh pattern sparkle panel makes Christina look bizarrely large and the girl is otherwise stunning.

Hayden Panetteire

How someone young, youthful and for about 20 mins was the IT girl, can dress like a 40 year old mum at the yearly dinner dance is beyond me? I hate to say call Rachel Zoe but she could give you a few style pointers – just ignore the diet stuff.

Kate Walsh

I’m so confused by the side airbags? Is she keeping change in there? Her lipstick, iPhone? If nothing then why have for layers of drapery?

Olivia Wilde

Last year she was stunning, this year she’s a lock for the gold in the individual freestyle ice-skating.

Anna Lynne McCord

People wonder why girls have inappropriate over-sexed ideas about fashion? Well, when some so called idols dress like lap dancers something’s going to give.

The Logies fashion best and worst continues and apparently Australia doesn’t love Gretel so much anymore. And while, sure, we are the toughest of critics on our stage, I feel people who are defending Gretel with the statement of it’s a really tough job, maybe need a reality check. Doctors, Police Officers, Ambulance Offices – those jobs aren’t a walk on red carpet, comedy writer supported park. Just saying, while the bar is high – let’s not lower it to floor to be kind.

Back to the fashion then:

Fifi Box

Who remembers the year Fifi Box was the it girl? Seven and Nine were pitching for her ‘talents’, she fell down some stairs on Dancing with the Stars and flirted with Michael Weatherly at the Logies? (hang on, let’s all take a moment to think of Michael...delicious!). Well, it seems the moment passed Fifi by, and now as the simple weather girl in the midst of breakfast battle, she’s resorted to wearing an almost identical dress to her Logies heyday. Fifs love, find a look that works for you, but don’t live in that look forever!

Jessica Marais

This was a contender for one of my favourite dresses. It was red carpet, event dressing with elegance, and a touch of unique sexiness. Jessica when receiving her awards seemed appropriately humbled and thankful and she always added a hint of danger with the very real chance she’d trip up the stairs. Not that I’d wish that on anyone, at all ... well not completely.

Jodi Gordon

Good Lord, I love Jodi Gordon. She gets it - she understands how to smoke a red carpet. She’ll attempt a few brave choices but then other times, classic old school glamour. The dress is beautiful, and the cut is SO flattering. The hair, spray tan and cute purple clutch are just delightful additions.

Josh Quong Tart

Josh, the prankster that he is, thought what hilarious, foot stomping riot it would be to joke about a public health crisis that’s killed quite a few people including kiddies by wearing sequined a face mask. Are you just rolling in the aisles? No, me either. Tell you what Josh, next Logies why not dress up and singe your suit with ashes to represent how funny the Black Saturday fires were! That would just kill as a joke. Idiot!

Kristy Hinze

Kristy officially doesn’t care what you think, as she now owns everything, including your thoughts thanks to her wealthy marriage. And sure, it may actually be love, but either way, with all that cash, couldn’t Kristy splash out a little and go for a bit more glamour, a bit more zing.

Lisa Wilkinson

Firstly, I love that Lisa’s bringing the ratings battle to breakfast. I am so glad people are starting to realise how moronic Kochie and Mel’s dribble actually is! Maybe all the battling has caused some bruises, as poor little Lisa’s wrapped up like a Mummy in this dress ensemble. And I know the Chanel bag was about attracting attention to an upcoming announcement but did it really costs $11 grand? Because wow, I understand the economic crisis now.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

Okay, Nat and I have spotty history. I haven’t always been there for her drunk face Dance hosting abilities, and her fashion choices often leave me chilly. I say this as pre-cursor because people I know loved this outfit, loved the look and basically love Nat. Well, sorry kids, but mama’s not feeling it. It’s just a little too drapery, a little too hot beach dress for cocktail evening and not super event dressing. I do Nat, like the hair with its soft curls and warm brown winter tones.

Peter Reckell & Kristian Alfonso

Um, was I the only one at the end of the Logies telecast, thinking ‘hang they forgot Bo and Hope!’? I thought they were presenting and that at least softened the blow of sitting through an evening of awards to people you don’t have any knowledge of. Nine Network though, come on, Bo and Hope – Bo, whose real name is Beauregard Aurelius Brady (awesome) and Hope Williams. They’ve been married twice, had three kiddies – one named by viewer votes, been kidnapped, presumed dead, and had questionable surgery receiving organs from their offspring, faced off the possessed Marlena, believed themselves to be other people, almost were buried in avalanche – they deserved to present.

Ruby Rose

She’s edgy, hip and uber Sydney cool. But since when does that mean, a flock of crows have to be victim on your dress Ruby? Really, I kinda was expecting something more, I don’t know, edgier than feathers, with a glue gun and a plain spotlight black starter pack dress.

Sarah Murdoch

You know people, she snagged a Murdoch for a reason. Sarah shows the carpet, she can bring it like no one’s business, let her stunning-ness do the talking and the simple black dress be her canvas. Lochie for all his once upon a time hotness is now just smiling thinking, take that Papa Bear, Wendi Deng ain’t no Bonds girl.

Sonia Kruger

I know Sonia’s got 10 Years Younger in 10 Days happening, but she’s taken it too far. She’s dressing like a member of the Gossip Girl funky junky cast. Seriously, Sonia, at some point elegance and understatement will work just as well. Instead, you’ve revealed the ballroom dancer within still shines brightly with this ruffle vomit in ice blue.

Tasma Walton & Rove

See I like Tasma, I like Rove, I think they’d be a very normal-ish couple. From the top to silvery spangle belt, she looks great. Dewey make-up and soft curly hair but all of sudden the GFC hits hard. Designer just thought, screw it – I’ve done enough, I’ll convince her with my jazzy designer hands that this was the way it was SUPPOSED to be. Well, Tasma love, you’ve been fooled.

Tony Barber’s Mrs

Tony’s heyday was definitely, definitely the 80’s icon Perfect Match. Clearly Mrs Barber has never moved on from those, clinging desperately to days when hers was the hottest ticket in town. Well Mrs Barber, it’s officially time to let go. The sliding door is gone, the post mortem on the bad dates is gone, so is the hilariously teased hair – let us remember fondly and not by your leggings and white ra-ra skirt.

Tracy Grimshaw

It looks like Tracey’s about to announce a stunning defection to the Anglican church and her new role as female priest. This outfit is a little too Sunday morning rejoicing with the spirit on the red altar instead of Sunday evening slamming spirits on the red carpet. I love the Lord Trace, we all do, but this is a wee tad too far.

Cast Off

Home & Away

Again, the H&A crew, especially the ladies really bring a certain pizzazz factor. The dresses all seem unique and flattering to their individual figures, the colours are work with the skin tones and hair and makeup seems pretty good – no Sharni Vision fake tan addictions to be seen here. A special shout out to Esther Anderson, in the red. I can’t find an individual shot but she’s seems to look lovely. However, the fellas let the girls down a bit, especially though Todd ‘Porn Fuzz Mo’ Lassance, who may have thought he’d just won an Oscar with his most over the top ‘I Love My Craft’ speech. Toddy, you’re on Home and Away, home of Alf ‘Flaming Galas’ Stewart – it’s not Shakespeare at Convent Garden.

Rush Cast

I had no idea Joelene Anderson joined the cast – although this version of Joelene is a little colourful for the cop shop blue the Rush-ers get around in. Still, maybe that’s why Joelene has decided to go with a Pro Hart formal wear colour landslide – raging against the machine. The rest of the Rush-ers all fade into the background a little, except the dude on the right who could play James McAvoy’s older taller brother.

The Logies Fashion red carpet spectacle returns to our screens (both computer and TV) and with Carson Kressley was completely wasted by Nine’s red carpet team, there was only pandering and sweetness. Well, we can’t let that go on any longer – let the Harshness begin.

Adam Hills & Myf Warhurst

I think Adam’s face really says it all. But in case your face reading skills have been off lately, I’ll kindly interpret for you: ‘Sweet lord Myf, what the f-bomb happened to your sleeve? Did something attack you? Seriously, you’re missing like the armpit to the wrist bit and it looks crazy ass weird! The other sleeve though is pretty fugly, so maybe you ripped it off in a rage induced attack. Either way, it ain’t working.’ As per Adam’s face.

Carrie Bickmore

Brave is the girl who wears a dress similar to Melissa George’s Oscar dividing efforts. However, Carrie the smart cookie that she is, listened to the reviews on M-George’s dress, axed the over the top corset work and has turned with a very pretty, very on note, red carpet glamour dress. Let’s give her a tick more! (Yep, it’s that hilarious – haven’t you missed it)

Cathy Freeman

Hi Cathy, what’s up? Heard you got hitched, congrats. Must be good lovin’ as you’re glowing, and for once in your red carpet life, you look lovely. Very dignified, very elegant but still your cheery self. Now please make every copy editor at a tabloid newspaper’s dreams come true and get pregnant so they can begin the inevitable ‘patter of little feet’ pun-tastic headlines.

Dannii Minogue

Here’s the problem with this: it’s equally good and equally bad. The dress, the choices and even the hairstyle, have me swing from the demon and angel on my shoulders. I really can’t decide Dannii, I like the bold military slash Katie Holmes in full Tom influence hairstyle, and the dress is interesting and unique but then again it’s you, and maybe the hair is more Cabaret stage show than edgy funky.

Fuzzy and Dude

I always give Fuzzy a pass, she’s good at finding something different, yet perfect for her in both fit and colour. However, Dude (whom Getty seem to think is named Guppy – they could be right but then they did confuse Suzie Wilks and Natalie G so who knows), anyway Dude, not to be all weight issues orientated, but skinny jeans are for people who are skinny. And not just skinny but silly, weedy, emo skinny. You my friend aren’t a skinny jean kinda a guy, just let it go.

Giaan Rooney

From Giaan’s Logie debut of awfulness, this is light years ahead, but it still lacks that certain something for me. The major problem, being the top, it just seems so netballer’s bib. Seriously, wack a big GD on that, and she could be the first formally attired player the Melbourne Vixens have.

Jane Hall

It’s very practical and I’m sure Jane will be the warmest star on the red carpet. But you know what Jane, we the punter of lowly nothingness, don’t pay for warm and toasty. Damn it, we want you to suffer. You need to look hot, and sexy, and cool and freeze your damn behind off. Also, the dress print while pretty is a little nana for Logies red carpet.

Jennifer Hawkins

PHWAOR! Va-va-va-va-va-va-voom. The J-Hawk bough the ladies out to play. Granted, I haven’t been following J-Hawk in the recent months, but this to me represents a triumphant return for her. What with ACA and TT polling her neighbours about her apparent parties – this is J-Hawk, saying ‘check out how hot and fierce I am Australia’ and also a little bit of ‘and hot people should be allowed to party whenever bitches’.

Jessica Mauboy

I think Jessica’s going to be a little bit like a local Beyonce. Very talented, ability to wear lovely red carpet dresses but then graces the stage in some unflattering numbers. Still on the carpet, I particularly enjoyed Jess’s ruffle number. Okay, the green clutch that probably costs $10 at the Dimmey’s closing down sale, is a bit of an error but otherwise, a very respectable, un Idol whoring red carpet moment.

Kate Ritchie

Okay time to roll up the sleeves, coz this one’s going hurt. Firstly, Kate’s hair and accessories are genius and I die. But the dress, it’s so hard because it could have been killer. Could have made me ooh and aah and enjoy the subtleness yet strength of it. However, the white slip underneath RUINS THE WHOLE DAMN THING. What I wouldn’t give to see what the dress looked like with black underneath instead of what looks like Kate is flashing her bra.

Lee Furlong

Alright Lee, you’ve got an extraordinary set of legs and you’re a beautiful young woman, let’s get that out of the way. But this very nice cocktail dress, isn’t really red carpet Logies, it isn’t the amazing dress of dresses you could have chosen. Also, this dress requires a bit of bravery with the cleavage and you hesitated and went the strapless bra, which is fine, but we can all see it.

Lindsey Rodriguez

So, TRL got axed and now Lindsey’s back hoping to funk up Channel Nine. Well, good luck with that suicide mission Lindsey. It’s probably appropriate that your dress has a zip up the front much like a flight jump suit as you’ll need to pull the parachute chord very soon I’m sure. Also, are you insane? Why would you wear a dress with a front zipper when people like Sam Newman are advertising for dates? You’ve doomed yourself to an entire night of stupid footballer panellists from both NRL and AFL, drunkenly making a play for the zip.

Margot Robbie

O. M. G – This is quite possibly in my three years (veteran status people) of Logies commentary, the ugliest dress I have EVER seen. Sure, Stephanie McIntosh had an awful mistimed red number, and yep, there was Indiana Evans Supre fashion inspired choice, but this is another level of tarty, attention grabbing, Kentucky hoe down dressing. It’s whore-riffic. Her dress is basically SPORTING A MULLET. Let me say that again, so if by chance Margot reads this. HER DRESS HAS A MULLET!

Michelle Bridges

We can be honest here, and we can all admit that sure, Michelle sometimes gets it wrong, and then sometimes she gets it really wrong. But you know what, this is quite possibly, the best, most ladylike, most feminine, elegant and refined Michelle I’ve seen yet. She’s sophisticated and the hair is lovely, the dress flatters her and her accessories shine. Like a finale of Loser, the tears of happiness are about to spring forth.

Rebecca Gibney

It’s Golden – see what I did there, see how the pun was because she won the Gold Logie, Christ I’m funny. Anyway, Bec actually looks great and is doing old Hollywood glamour very nicely, so kudos to her and all her Rafters. However, is it wrong that there is some part of me that still enjoys the fact I haven’t watched a full episode of that show?

Ricki-Lee

Another dress that completely divides me. While, it’s a massive, huge step forward for the once Mutton dressing as Lamb Ricki Lee, I don’t think I can award points merely for being better than the most awful you can be. The colour is actually striking and the idea of the dress is good, Bec Gibney will tell you that but the actual execution leaves me feeling that it’s quite unflattering, in fact, it’s fattering.

Lady Harsh Dictionary Definition of Fattering: When an outfit is to be so unflattering that it makes the normal sized, healthy wearer seem large, bumpy, lumpy or wide. Used in a sentence: I couldn’t buy that top, so fattering but I will purchase the shoes.

*** ***

And with that lesson, so endeth Part 1 of the Logies Coverage. Tomorrow night, I will fulfil no contractual obligations by returning with the remaining coverage including delightful Sarah Murdoch, Jodie Gordon and her stunning self and questionable efforts of Jolene Anderson, Ruby Rose, and Tony Barber’s Mrs.