The Harsh Light of Day

Yes, yes I know, it's been almost two weeks but it was the races. The excitement, the laughter - it just took it's toll. So I gave myself a little holiday, rested my tired little finger from all that typing and closed my eyes to see a world of well dressed people. Alas when I returned this had not eventuated. Still, gives me something to do.

Ali M

Ali suffers here from the dreaded bring your breasts along-itis, that we saw so horribly from Laura Csortan a few weeks back. In other news Ali’s hair must be strong enough to deflect UV rays, what with its brittle stiff curls. In fact, she could rescue small children by dangling her hair down and they could climb up its sturdy curly staircase. PS the drabbest of drab blue with metallic connect the dots dress.


Amali Ward

Yes, granted Amali’s a little fry so fashion isn’t an easy thing to master but she’s gone and buggered herself up pretty good. The blues hues are very bright, but in a Little Mermaid-esque fashion. In fact the boob area reminds me of the sea shells used around little Ariel’s lady friends. I also question the bow – what is its purpose? What is its function? Why does it exist? Dressing Amali, is a lot like life – if you can’t answer at least some of these questions, then you’re screwed.


Anthony Callea

Is it me or is Anthony getting shorter? This photo makes me think he’s actually bordering on midget status. Really and truly. The jacket makes his torso extremely and un-proportionally lengthy. Then the Target Little Boys jeans shorten him to Munch Kin status. I mean even the barricades are threaten to tower over the boy…


Bree Amer

‘I think somethin' bounced into my undercarriage!’ And with a dress like that, it’s probably going to bounce right out the top. This is a hoot’n’tootin, rid’em high, swing’em low, Devil went down to Georgia dress from Bree. In fact, this could be her audition piece for Dukes of Hazzard 3: Jessica Don’t Be Here No More But I’m her Cousin Down-Under Duke.


Camilla Frank

‘Hello my name is Mrs Borat. My husband who does not acknowledge my presence was recent in your country and I now come in his wake to say hello and find sexy man. Beneath my sack I am hairy animal with lotta loving for right man. I wear national dress of Kazak ladies and I happy to be here.’


Candice Falzon

I have to face it, I guess. The battle was long and lengthy and I tried people, I really tried but I guess, the fight got away from me. I felt safe. I was lulled into a false sense of security – I wasn’t alert or alarmed. I was too focused on the possible attack of the peepkini and left a massive blindside open for attack. Yes – the formal caftan returns. Like insurgent Shuni Shiites – it’s just a problem I will also have to deal with. George W I am beginning to understand your pain (still I want you gone and dead, but understanding is bridging a gap).


Casey Donovan

Okay, I know, I’ve soap boxed already about this but JESUS LORD CHRIST – this girl is eating herself to death! And I do not mean this in a funny, let’s be sarcastic way that I mean everything – I mean it, like seriously. After my last rant, I looked back into the past and check out photos of Casey around Idol time – she is remarkably bigger than those days and it’s not at all healthy. It’s cholesterol sky-rocketing, heart attack in your mid-twenties, massive problems for the rest of your life heavy. You can also tell from everyone’s reaction behind Casey, no wild cheers (and this crowd was going nuts over Big Brother people, so come on, it’s not a tough crowd) just glum, sympathy faces.


Courtenay Act

I get the whole she’s a he who is a she but underneath is he but those legs belong to a she thing. I get that. My problem with it all, is she/he is so good you can’t tell the difference, so instead of being an overtop dressed in a funny stuff he – its tragic $10 dress and bad hair she.


Deborah Knight

What to chose, what to chose? I like the flowers, they are so pretty and it’s spring already – but then again, it’s Aussie Idol night and I need to be young and funky so I don’t get fired like that Spicer lady, so stripes could be cool – that’s what everyone seems to be wearing. But I like my flowers, and I feel comfortable in them – but I also like my job and feel comfortable in it. I could always do both?


Emily Barclay

Emily and her stupid obsession with tights – ruins a very pretty dress. Emily – I know you think you are the next Rose Byrne and that’s fine, you’re in decent movies at the moment but seriously, wearing opaques is no longer the number one rule in the ‘Independent Movie It Girl’ Handbook. Seriously, even Sienna’s stopped wearing them – that’s a sign the apocalypse can’t be far off.


Erin McNaught

Look Erin, I’m getting a little, well a lot, tired of you. You’re everywhere, seriously everywhere. And the biggest crime of all – you didn’t WIN!!! You sucked, you didn’t even make top ten. Go away. And take the fortune teller’s gypsy tablecloth back to her before she puts a hex on both your houses. In fact, that gives me an idea…


Georgie Parker

There’s is dressing as a yummy mummy, who is so cool and casual that she swans about in her at home clothes, even on the red carpet and looks utterly cool and very attainable. There is also coming from the Saturday weeding, slashing on some lip gloss and calling it a day. These are two very different things.


Gigi Edgely

With a name like Gigi, this outfit is a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s also the bathing suit every little girl wore from 1982 right onto 1985. High heels don’t fool anyone Gigi – especially me.


Gretel Killeen

I have to assume Gretel had a monster Saturday night and wore the most obscene high heels you’ve ever witnessed. So high that she woke up the next morning, swearing black and blue that some one had sliced open her Achilles, and that hot coals had literally been planted into her toes. So high, that she felt it was okay to wear Big W thongs on the red carpet.


Isabel Lucas

The Gospel Accoding to HLOD Chapter 1 Versus 2

And he feed the 5,000
And broke apart the fishes and loaves
And turned water into wine
And then retreated to his little hut with his lady love Mary Magdelene for they shared a similar taste in shoes, and flowing fabrics. They also chose the path of enlightenment and not being seduced by red carpets and the like.

Damien

It seems when dressing males the Network Ten stylists have a fashion chip implanted in their brains from which they must never stray. Tuxedo/Suit jacket with jeans – check; jean a fraction to tight and oddly cuffed – check; pointy shoes that resemble something from the Witches of Eastwick – check. Sadly as we’ve seen from Guy, Shannon and Anthony, this chip is then programmed into male Idol heads as well.


Joy Smithers

Oh Joy! (Ha get it! but here it’s ironic) Joy seriously took on board every women’s magazine fashion’s editors advice when they said Mod was coming back in. Like seriously took it on. Too the point where I imagine Joy walking around say ‘it’s so groovy’ and ‘that’s out of sight’ and eventually her family snaps.


Klancie

A Reworking of Clancy of the OverFlow by Banjo Patterson

I am sitting in my dingy little office, where a stingy
Ray of sunlight struggles feebly down between the houses tall,
And the foetid air and gritty of the dusty, dirty city
Through the open window floating, spreads its foulness over all.

And the computer screen stares at me, and with fashion to scare
Some people good, while others are barely deserve the cut and paste
With their eager eyes and greedy, and their stunted forms and weedy,
For D-graders have no time to grow, they have all the time to waste.

And I somehow rather fancy that I’d like to have a word with Klancie
Like to tell her that Aussie Idols don’t last long, seasons come and go,
That putting your breasts into your chin, for all and the world to see
Won’t get you fame and fortune, poor old, Klancie, of The Overflow


Mel Doyle

Oh dear, oh no, oh oops. Poor Mel, sitting next to Kochie for so many years has finally gotten to her. She’s dragged out the sarong for another go round – clearly impressed with her own crafty talents. Mel, that don’t impress me much.


Noa Tishby

Bad hair decisions must now be a STD because Noa got a bad case of ugly hair from boyfriend Andrew G. This is how my hair looks when I am half way through blow drying it – right here is the point where I have just flip my head back up and I look in the mirror and think ‘how funny would it be to go out with hair like this’. Noa just took the game to a whole new level.


Sandi Tom

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with in flowers in my hair
Instead of wearing shoes so ugly all can you can do is stare
I’m so not fashionable and the media doesn’t care
Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with in flowers in my hair


Shari-Lee

We first met Shari at Melbourne where her insane bird inspired outfit drew some confused stares. The madness continues with this slash and bare dress. The fabric could quite possibly be someone’s curtains and the hair style is something I had in prep – and even then it looked pretty bad.


Young Divas

I don’t think I can handle this…the world is spinning…this time I know it’s for real …and it’s happen all over again! Thunder is rolling in, lightening is crashing and world as we know it has changed for ever. Because - the Divas actually look good (I know, I can’t believe it either) Yes, in comparison to other people no they don't, but for Diva-dom this is an all time high! Paulini’s hair is natural and normal in Beyonce-esque way and her skirt isn’t a shirt; Kate has played her best assets (hello ladies) while demure everywhere else – oh Kate I’d never thought it would happen; Emily look feminine – a feat in itself; and Ricki-Lee looks her disco dancing best. I’m so proud of my girls – it’s like they actually listened to me! See people this is what good advice gets you – GOLD STARS.

Charlie Brown

Take away all the accessories, remove every single one and it would be okay. But alas, we can’t and Charlie maybe wishes in retrospect she could. Starting with the smallest offensive and working my way up – the shoes with the cross over leopard print tab, interesting but I just assume they are the slippers with tails at the end. The weird leopard print chef’s hat and that’s attempting to pretend it also is a race hat. Dr Burke aka McChokey wears a similar type of hat and print – FOR SURGERY. And finally the leopard print continues its reign of terror with the handbag. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie – that handbag is a Toorak mother step away from having your own face imprinted on a bag. In fact maybe you’re being metaphoric with your dressing and you’re really just saying that on the inside ‘I'm a leopard!’


Dave Hughes and Lady Love

Firstly is Dave Hughesy dying to be a father? Is he feeling the parenting pull now that fellow radio host Kate’s knocked up again? Because this constant need to grab the lady’s stomach region is weird and a little creepy when there is no baby. Secondly, is the lady love committing a crime later in the day? Some sort of heist caper going down? Cause the cat napper gloves and rolled up balaclava indicted a bit of criminal intent.

Gemma G

After the monstrosity of the crushed velvet affair Gemma took a good a hard look at herself. Some how she concluded this was an appropriate way to return to fashion form. Mismatching hat and shoes, hoisted cleavage and enough necklaces to set off the metal detectors at any prison. Way too fight back Gemma!


Jane Fleming

I applaud Jane’s craftiness. Simply stunning, is the amount of patience she must have had to sit in the public toilet and slowly pull each piece of flimsy, tear-any-minute tissue toilet paper and fashion it into a dress. Really that takes some doing people and we shouldn’t be afraid to recognise that. I think if I was on Survivor, Jane might be my castaway of choice. What with her ability to run fast and make toilet paper dresses.


Jennifer Adams

[Heralding trumpets]

Lords, Ladies, Sires, Sirs, Good Madam’s, Gentlemen and Noble Steads. May I present on this night of great occasion, Lady Adams of the North. She of the forest and twigs, she of the berries and earth. Her heritage and great skills in finery dressing, make her a truly welcome addition to the court. Her yellow sash presents her a partially available conquest for young gentlemen to pursue. Her headdress indicates her Northern Forest upbringing and a plentiful Dowry is sure to be offered by her family. Most pleasant and bountiful evening to you all and Good nigh.


Jennifer Hawkins

[Shaking fists to the God’s above] NOOOOO, man she was so close, so close to a perfect spring run! Every day before had be unique and pretty but today, oh today. The dress looks like she bought it off eBay and it was originally some awful putrid green then Jen thought craftily, she could dye out. Alas, she left it in the bucket too long and it stained into this! Then to add injury to insult – she spent the morning plucking a dog for shoe decorations. Why!!!! PS What business does red have to do with that dress? Nothing, run away red, run and save your colour self.

Kate Alexa

The dress is deceptively average. Just glancing you think oh, boring black dress but nothing too bad. LOOK AGAIN, it’s some weird multi storey carpark with five layers and belt thrown in for good measure. Then just because she thought why not crap on crap, the tulle tied in a bow for a hat? Sure Kate, nice one.

Kim Watkins

Appealing to her audience like no other presenter ever has, Kim has decided to come as dowdy, dumpy housewife. The dress is incredibly unflattering – adding about ten kilos to her waist and giving David Reyne even more reason to be bitchy. Also the Flock of Seagulls hat, man is that special – in a Wildlife of Australia kind of way.

Krista Vendy

Cheap! It’s all I see, hear, think and believe when I look at this outfit. Cheap stiff structured fabric with Kleins on sale $40 hat cheap. Aren’t you supposed to be a Hollywood connected starlet now Krista? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Kylie Gillies

Hello Ladies, I’m your Avon representative and have I got some great specials for you. No, Pam, this coral peach lipstick is far more your colour. And for the cup this year Sheryl, this headpiece I’m wearing is a fantastic go anywhere, do anything number – it might even get you into a marquee! Just kidding. Make sure though, not to get your hair caught in it, as you’ll see mine is stuck and I may have to rip out my hair to take this off later but for the bargain price of three easy payments of $69.95, it’s so worth it.

Lindy Rama

Axing the baldy aka Michael Klim, Lindy looks divine. In fact, this is way to work a lacy number that Kate Bosworth couldn’t. Clearly, one must be the size of a pencil but unlike Kate, Lindy’s a freshly sharpened 2H instead of dull blunt 3B. Well done your Highness Princess Lindy.

Livinia Nixon

Poor old, Livy. She’s just so nice and lovely, and sweet and girl next door and BORING! This is a Christmas party picnic for the mum’s and dad’s at the local primary school. This isn’t Oakes Marquee hotness, don’t try and copy this look at home ladies, cause I’m out of your league. I could wear this and look just as good, and that is a failure. Coz if celebrity dress is anything it has got to be unachievable damn it!

Sonia Kruger

I must say that Sonia has been a pretty fierce contender over the Carnival session. Without the freshness of Jennifer Hawkins, Sonia has still provided some pretty hot outfits and this little spring delight isn’t at all bad. Yes, it is a little to green thumb gardening show for some, but overall the awesome shape and funky pockets that actually work and demure hat provide Sonia a nice little outfit.


Young Divas

Oh my lovely ladies again make it a special day for me. This time no one escapes a word or two because crimes are being committed all over the shop.

Ricki-Lee – Darling, sweetie, honey. What the? with the black shoes. Also the Pomerian Dog on the head is not a hat.
Kate – Strapless dresses do you NO favours, and no matter how much Ricki Lee tries to convince you to wear one, it’s only to make herself look better. Also your dress got caught in the lawnmowers this morning, might want to check that before you leave the house next time.
Emily – Man Emily, don’t you wish I wrote these things on the day because if I had, you would have escaped judgement. However, while cringing through parts of the ABBA special on Sunday, I noticed you had EXACTLY THE SAME outfit on. Speak to Toni Pearen, you can’t recycle outfits in such a short amount of time. Do we have to go back to school on this? Length of wear (hour) = next time you wear it again (months). Emily’s sum 4 hours = 4 months.
Paulini – I’ve decided the entire Diva camp must not have had full length mirrors in their rooms because those are quite possibly the ugliest shoes, in the history of shoes.

Well, I’m alive (barely) and I survived Cup Day in the Birdcage. What a day I had, although next year I need to get press credentials so I can then photograph people legitimately and then comment on them. Best marquee (beside the one I was in, because it’s all about me) – would be a tie between Motorola (once you’re inside – from the outside the mirrors are disturbing) and Andrew McManus presents. Most underwhelming marquee is for sure the Lexus one. Very unimaginative design, coupled with big open spaces making it look poorly attended.


Anneleise Subert

For all the D-grade celebs who didn’t warrant a Cup Day marquee there was a Sydney function and this is where we find Ms Pale as the White Carpet I’m Walking On. The dress in and of itself isn’t too bad and for the first time EVER Anneleise’s shoes are okay. The necklaces though are over the top and also could prove very hazardous when hailing a cab later on.


Bec Hewitt

While there was a race that stopped the nation, there is today the outfit the shocked a nation. What the?? Seriously, is this a joke? Is Bec today pissing herself laughing because everyone believed that she thought this was high fashion? Firstly, as a good friend I know says ‘shorts are for sports’ – and that phrase is most appropriate when attending a glamorous event Bec. Secondly, who is God’s name convinced you this top was a good idea? Is your stylist on holidays at the moment. I mean, I know the eighties are making a comeback but come on, raiding Melissa Tkautz wardrobe circa 1984 at the height of her E-Street fame is just taking it way too far.


Brooke Hansen

Let me tell you all about Brooke. I ran into her at least three times during the day and she couldn’t have been more obvious (you thought I was going to say nice!). She stood anywhere that was close to lots of public as if visually shouting ‘look, look at me – I’m a celebrity.’ That would all be well good and Brooke but you looked like crap. Seriously, the nanna shoes and dress that offers no support to the ladies coupled with the headpiece of doom just spells out desperate attention seeking sporting-wannabe-famous star.


Erica Baxter

The dress actually photographs a lot better than it looks in person. I do like the unusual design and Japanese inspired floral arrangement – very appropriate for the day in the end. The head piece is also well matched with the dress. Erica very nicely done – pity about the fighting with Jamie on Saturday which means you had to come alone.


Erin McNaught

Poor little Erin, she must have frozen her McNaughts off. So while the sunshine god’s did not visit Flemington, Erin, like many a lady I saw obviously just said ‘screw it --- cloudy skies and freezing temperatures be damned, I will wear my floaty white number anyway!’. And for sure, the dress is nice but headband is a little too Wonder Woman for my liking. All she needs is the matching arm bracelets.


Girlband

After the ‘nanna-gate’ disaster that was Girlband’s ARIA outfits, this is a drastic improvement. If only their dressing could match their sales, things would be okay. I applaud all four ladies for attending an interstate race event and not wearing a hat or fascinator of any kind. I think it’s a bit silly if there’s no track and you’ve still got a massive hat on. What I now suggest is Girlband give Young Divas a call and in exchange for fashion advice, they swap sales figures. I think it’s a fair trade.


Jemma Gawnd

Most people will wake up today and think Bec Hewitt was the most stupidest dressed celebrity there, well folks never underestimate the power of stupidity when combined with fashion. In outfit that is so wrong Jemma seems pleased as punch with herself. I, on the other hand, think the punch may have been spiked. Open toed shoes with stockings, under a velvet preschool dress, capped with knitted tea cosy and accessorized with a breast widening necklace. I don’t think I need to comment really, the outfit comments on itself.


Jennifer Hawkins

See girls, this is what racing dressing is all about. No cleavage revealing, short wearing crap for Miss Universe. A very cute, very lovable little ensemble means Jen continues to cement her marketing cache level to the Aussie public at home. Most girls want to look like her, most guys would love to do her (sorry Jake!) and most mum’s wish their daughters were her. Well played Jen, well played.


Jessica Rowe

Man, I wish I looked this good and I’m not even going to add when I’m pregnant, cause I’d just like to look this good normally. Bright, bold and sassy colours make sure Jess stands out but not in a obnoxious Karl Stefanovic ice costume way. Beside the cactus turned head gear Jess looks pretty good and for that she should be happy.


Kate Ritchie

After the hat monstrosity from Derby Day it’s good to see Kate has rebounded nicely. The dress is very cute and she actually looks better than we’ve seen in recent times but I still question her combination of black shoes and bag with white hat. What’s the thinking there Kate? Is there any thinking or were you stupefied by bestie Bec’s decision too.


Kate Waterhouse

It’s such a fine line, this celebrity dressing and on occasion I do feel sorry for them. People like me certainly don’t make it any easier with our constant critiquing. Still, I then remember the glam events they get invited to and the clothes for free and I get bitchy again. And yes, Kate looks perfectly fine, but take the hat off and it’s perfectly lovely office outfit. It’s just Friday night drinks with extra pizzazz, is this outfit.


Kylie Gilles

I was very attached to my kindergarten years to Kylie, I remember fondly my time at Sunnyside, where the majority of my days were spent napping and finger painting. My blissful memories however do not cause me to wack on my art smock and wear it out on the town. Maybe you should remember that for next time. Also please return the feather to whichever bird you maimed at Melbourne Zoo.


Laura Csortan

See, while Bec was scaring the bejesus out of every Melburnian, Laura completed the two city assault in Sydney. And this makes me fearful, because this could be the start of something [ominous Jaws theme music plays] like the emergence of the kaftan, this outfit may start turning up everywhere. God I hope not. In preparation of such an attack I have named the outfit. It shall be called ‘peepkini’ and I ask every one to get immunised immediately from the deadly ‘peepkini’ strain.


Leona Ed

‘Hello my name is Ivanka and I am very happy to be here. You country is wonderful pretty. Do you have any Vodka? In Russia, we keep warm dis way. Yesk, I am very proud to be here, in Russia we don’t race horskies. That is far exciting for Russians, we drink Vodka instead. Do you have any Vodka? Yesk, I am very happy to be wearing my cassock hat for you presence. Very happy and very proud. Do you have any Vodka? Go the horskies.


Michael Vartan

There is simply nothing wrong with this man. We should all just look. I, myself, was too afraid to get my photo with him, for fear of babbling incoherently about Sydney Bristow and how much of a bad ass her daddy is, and gee wiz, can you please speak some French, and I miss Vaughan and does Jennifer Garner still talk to you or has she completely dumped your ass and if so, come here and I’ll kiss it to make it better. See, isn’t everyone glad I didn’t talk to Michael.


Shari-Lee

See the guy behind Shari --- the one over her left shoulder (your left, not her’s). Here is an exclusive insight into his brain at that exact moment the photo was taken:

‘Am I that drunk? Seriously the room is spinning. Wait, no, it’s just that girl’s dress. Who is she? Aren’t there only supposed to be famous people here, I didn’t sell my soul to the VRC satan to see this shit. I could see that in the public enclosure. Seriously though, I think I might be drunk, otherwise a big pink bird just landed on that girl’s head. Hang on, wait a minute. Oh it’s just her hat. I think I might go talk to the Emirates girls out front.’


Simone Warne

Wow – Simone’s not letting go of that hat is she. Come on Simone even, you have to know that you can’t wear the same hat twice in a row. Especially such a bad, I'm a gangsta's woman hat. What scares me even more though is I can’t see what she’s wearing underneath the coat and I’m very concerned. Because it may be a ‘peepkini’ – and if Simone Warne starts wearing them, then lordy a we in trouble!