The Harsh Light of Day

The Carpet Part 2

Jennifer Hudson

Once inside the venue, Miss Hudson came to her senses because we never saw the caplet of death. It would be perfect, perfect for the local High School musical of Mad Max or We Will Rock You, but a red carpet, no Jenny darling, no.


Jennifer Lopez

Marc: Look Jen, honey look, look over here. See, look, you look good, see I did well. I pointed out the photographer, I made press for you. Sorry, I know I’m leaning heavily on you but I haven’t eaten anything since November. Sorry, you, focus on you. You honey, you look great. This is the look you’ve been trying to achieve for three years running and you’ve finally got it. Those blogs will mention you in a good way honey, see more press for you.

Jada Pinkett Smith

Jada’s internal monologue

Yes, Will, I get it, your famous, I really get it – okay! Yes, I know, I’m supposed to be an actress too and isn’t that, well HA HA! And I know that I’m wearing Julia Louis Dryfeus ugly as sin Globes dress with a train, I know that! Not everyone can be as disarming and charming and liked by everyone cause he’s funny! Hell, you were in INDEPENDENCE DAY! Yeah, funny Will, go right ahead.


John Travolta and Kelly Preston

There are a few things we can learn from John and Kelly by looking at this picture.

1 – Animal print, should under no circumstance be allowed at the Oscars. Unless it’s a viewing party being held in Caroline Springs. And only then because it’s Caroline Spring.
2 – John and Kelly whilst insanely rich are savers. Note the economical use of the same hair colour between two people (spotted EL)
3 – John is the devil in disguise, like literally. The oddly shaped fringe, I believe is masking horns. Just a theory people but be warned.
4 – Kelly has terrible taste in men. Before John, she was engaged to Charlie Sheen.
5 – John Travolta of Grease era is a fantasy of sexual machismo we will never see again. Like a comet, gone too soon.


Katie Holmes

Before I get pelted with olives and boo-ed and people run screaming from this site never to return again, let’s just say it’s been a big day and maybe my judgement has been skewed by Diet Coke overload but I kinda like it. And, heaven forbid, I kinda like Tom and Katie together at the VF party and I kinda liked his presenting. They lost the puppy fat, the intense crazy eyed gleam has gone from his eye and I don’t know, for some reason, I have a weird feeling this contract she’s signed could see them lasting at least five years. And I kinda don’t mind it.


Kate Winslet

Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – sorry what? Nothing then? Okay. Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – WHAT! I can’t look at it, it’s giving me fashion narcolepsy, it’s so snoozy. Kate, my divine queen, who usually shines in refined classy elegance is helping me sleep better at night in this outfit beca-snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Liv Tyler

I shouldn’t by normal standards like this, but Liv wears it. She looks free spirited and radiant, the demure colour doesn’t drown her, it completes her. I want her shoulder shrugging happiness to be bottled and sent to Britney in rehab. I also wouldn’t mind her body to be packed up and sent to me, so I can rock it like Liv Tyler every day but hey, science will figure it out for me.


Nicole Kidman & Naomi Watts

NK: Hey bitch!
NW: What was that for?
NK: You damn well know.
NW: Know what?
NK: Oh don’t play my publicist won’t confirm with me, Wattie, I can see it!
NW: See what?
NK: The god damn baby! You’re pregnant. You know the rules. I’m THE Aussie here. Not you, you’re just an indie girl.
NW: You want to start this now Bon-Bon?
NK: What is that supposed to mean!
NW: Nothing! I’ll just make sure to set the table for Christmas with you on the same side as everyone’s fork. Do you have a toy monkey and Christmas hat up your ass?
NK: How well did King Kong do again?
NW: What country were you supposed to be from in The Interpreter?
NK: Quick, smile camera!


Natalie Portman

I love Natalie, I love her style, I love her ability to transform from child actress to adult, I love her taste in men – hello Jake G and Gael Bernal Garcia. Still Natalie, I don’t love this. I see how it started off well, I do, but then someone decided to add pockets on the side and now you just remind me of a ticket inspector on the trams and you make me feel guilty for sometimes not validating my ticket and it’s a vicious cycle and that’s not what fashion is. Also for someone who is notoriously tiny, it takes a fairly chunky ankle strap to give you biggish calves.


Oprah Winfrey

I’m not afraid of Oprah, I’m not. Her practically owning all the money ever made doesn’t scare me. Which is why many won’t believe me when I say I actually like this outfit. It’s completely complimentary to her figure, the colours are unique and snazzy. Her hair is fairly natural and not overally styled. She’s working it! And it has nothing to do with the fact that everything belongs to Oprah. Everything.


Penelope Cruz

Poor Penn coped a beating by most people for this number. People related it to Bjork’s outfit from a few years back. Hello to these people, do you have eyes? This is the outfit, you wear when you’re nominated. This is the outfit. It’s like there’s only one day, maybe two days, that you can wear a white dress and a veil. Penny rocks a perfect awards gown! Yes, of course, a trip to the Coles to pick up a loaf of bread isn’t the idea of this outfit, but I think Penny gets that!


Rose McGowan

Rose, was once upon a promising little starlet. Then she ran into Marilyn Manson, and he stole five years and her dignity. Then she freed herself and went to work with the tramps (sorry) ladies on Charmed. Here’s what happens with prolonged exposure to Alyssa Milano. Tony Danza barely lived to tell the tale. It gets worse --- if you can bare it, take a look:



MY EYES, MY EYES! It’s good to see the Tara Reid’s dodgy plastic surgeon has found work, along with Anna Nicole Smith’s make up artist – the clown one!


Reese Witherspoon

From the beast to the beauty, Reese was my Best on Ground. She is just fabulous post Ryan and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, the hair. I would do it myself but I’d look stupid. The dress is a fantastic floaty blue into purple and it’s magical and transforming and if Reese were to start a religion I’d join.


Sarah Michelle Gellar

I hope Buffy’s pregnant. I hope she’s knocked Prinze up good. I want a baby Slayer. I want to see them running around. I want to see massively tall Freddie with a tiny baby in his arms. I want Buffy to be happy. I want all this because it would then excuse the fact she’s wearing a shower curtain.


Suzanne Somers

After trying to move those pesky ab crunchers and not really having success, Suz moved her hand to wedding cake designs. Her Marketing Manager suggested boldly to begin wearing the designs. Suz was struck with what a brilliant piece of viral marketing this was and set to work immediately.


Zoey Deschanel

Against everything that I am, I really like this. It’s kicky and kooky and Zoey isn’t an Ashlee Simpson wannabe cool girl, she is. She wears a pair of opaques appropriately. The dress is funky cool, and her make up is pitch perfect. She is right now, the ultimate cool girl at school, who smokes in the art department and rights deep poetry and mocks her Mischa Barton-esque counterpart and everyone is scared of her but secretly wants to be her.


Zin Zgyhing (something like that)

I can’t really critique this, because it makes me so hungry. A vanilla tart. It’s all I want, with icing sugar sieved over the top. A dolp of cream. Yum. Sorry chick but your dress is a dessert. And that's all I have to say about that.

Bree Amer

Bree was kind enough to help out all those photo desks just dying for a publicity shot of her by having a studio session. Good call Bree. However, I don’t think the images help poor little Bree. Firstly, is the above shot supposed to be hilariously ironic? Are there subliminal messages being sent to us about the power of reality TV?


Bree Amer 2

I can definitely imagine the photographer’s direction here: ‘Bree, you’re a tiger, you’re a seductress, you’re on fire! Give it to me baby!’ Sadly, it just comes off as ‘Bree, tell us current opposition leader?’


Danielle Foote

Danielle as you or may not thanks-to-therapy remember is that annoying singing one in last year’s Big Brother. Clearly Big Brother contestants are continuing their efforts in the world domination of worst orange tan title and Danielle does them proud here tonight. The must-have because everyone, literally everyone, seriously most of the world, belt, is of course present and accounted for.


Danii Minogue

It excites me a huge amount that Danii is back for me to criticize. She brings a whole, zany Tiffani Wood-style to every occasion. Firstly, what event manager decided it was a good idea for her to lean seductively against the set from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Secondly, Danii is channeling Miss Havilland from Great Expectations here ‘Darling – when I was young lady the men, would swoon!’


Erin McNaught

Wow, Erin, really, really, really misjudged the ‘just got out of bed look’ as a literal look. In an ugly heeled version of my t-bar school sandals with shapeless sheets and mussed hair, I’m not sure what the goal is here but Erin, honey, it ain’t working.


Jo Stanley

Hello Miss Stanley! A very respectable outing, where besides the pussy’s bow around your neck, it’s a classy and ladylike effort. Especially standing in front of the Biggest Loser fat set.


Jaynie Seal

It’s funny, most fashionistas say, take off one item when you the leave house. So I looked at Jaynie and wanted her to take off the belt. But then, I wanted her to take off those shoes. And then the dress was pretty standard. And the handbag could go to. So the only result ended up being that Jaynie should take herself off the red carpet. Solves all problems really.


Jenny Morris & Kerry Armstrong

Usually when two celebrities wear the same outfit, one looks ten times better and basically makes the other look horrid and forever shames them. Here Jenny fights against having a tough set of ladies to control under that dress (it’s a tough fight Jenny and I salute you) while Kerry illustrates what a horrible pattern it is by teaming it with shoes the devil made in the woodshop expo he recently had in hell. Nobody wins on either side here.

Kate Dearugo

I think with Kate, like Stephanie McIntosh before her, it’s going to be a long road of rehabilitation. Like Britney didn’t quite take to rehab the first go, Kate hasn’t quite taken to fashion. Kate, it’s often said, shoes maketh the lady and well, I’m pretty sure Speeds or Payless haven’t ever helped in that endeavour. Still, you’ve started to dress a little better for your shape, although as I’ll discuss in detail later, animal print is forbidden, no matter what Ricki-Lee may tell you.


Amanda Keller

While managing to hold down your coffee from snorting through your nostrils remember that Amanda is not a stripper, she isn’t the Chippendales roving agent, always on the look out for new talent and she isn’t the head waitress at the newly styled evening Hooters. She is merely a radio presenter who danced a bit. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe.


Krystal Forscutt

In Part Two of I’m a Big Brother Contestant and I’m Browner Than You, Krystal manages to top her fellow attendee with a stunning shade of orange. What’s actually sad, as mentioned by a preview viewer of this week’s post is many, including a lot of blokes, will think this is hot and Krystal is fashionable.


Kerri-Anne

In a way, you kind of have to expect this from Kezza. Her name is after all Kerri-Anne. The love of gold though, I believe is her way of gunning for the Gold Logie she so richly thinks she deserves. It seems like this outfit was cast together from the offcuts of spare old dresses Kezza’s used before. Sadly those dresses were probably awful too.

Kate Langbroek

See, again a fellow preview viewer of this week’s post (JF) sums it up best ‘what’s sad is that some one not only wears this ensemble, but that some one owns each piece of clothing that makes up that outfit in their wardrobe.’

The Gents – this is just a perve section!

Aaron Eckhart

PHWOOOAARRR!!!! I’m mean --- PHWOOOOAAAAR. I just saw Thank You For Smoking and combine the Phwoar-ness with his charm and man, I was almost chain smoking! So again, I say, PHWWOOOOAAARRR!


Clive Owen

Again, it’s a smouldering, brooding, Heathcliffe on the moors type of thing, that really works for me. It’s the man who could throw you over his shoulder if he had too and boy, Clive could throw me over anything he likes. Those dreamy green/blue eyes, that I’m wounded, and underneath all this maniless I just want you to love me. Oh Clive, I’d love you.


Leo DiCaprio

Look at Leo all grown up. The boy who adorned my Year 9 science folder as Romeo, the boy wannabe man who I mocked when Titanic came out but secretly harbored (get it!) a crush on. Leo, who’s now a man! A Blood Diamond Departed man. To prove he’s a man, he’s got stuck into the hair gel, in a big way. Leo, I and many others loved those long free roaming locks, let them go, give them freedom – we’ll still believe you’re a man.

The Carpet


Angie Harmon and Jason Seahorn

Okay, firstly, let it be said, that I have a little soft spot for these two. He proposed to her on Jay Leno and it was sweet and lovely and completely unexpected from her perspective and I just about cried. Okay, I’d been single for a while! Still, I think she’s exotically fantastic, I think the dress is beautiful and bedded and they match in a hotness level, I’d like to be.


Ali Larter

Being the slutty stripper on Heroes, I guess means you have to dress nicely come award time. Remind people that it’s just a character after all. Still, I’m a lot over this terrible tucked in look, it just screams, I went to the toilet and was so drunk I thought I was all un-tucked but oops, no I’m not. Ladies, untuck those dresses and be FREE!


Beyonce

There are many a theories re Miss B, how she was snubbed for an Oscar (she wasn’t, the performance was good, she isn’t in Helen’s league), how she lost all this weight to win over people. It’s many, many, many a theory however here’s a few things to note. Beyonce’s all back to the curves that made us ‘Crazy in Love’. In an interview with Dick Wilkins, she mentioned her mother’s picked her clothes. Let’s just say, if my mum picked my clothes I would certainly not be wearing this!


Cate Blanchett

Here, here is the lady of the carpet. She is unique, she’s on the fashion trend (metallic) and she looks fantastic without looking pinched, snapped, or sick *cough* Nicole *cough*.


Celine Dion

I know Miss Dion’s been getting on in the years but is the hip replacement really that bad? Before people panic (EL) it’s not callots, and considering this is the woman who wore a backwards white tuxedo and hat in previous years, this is a remarkable outfit. But don’t worry, at the Vanity Fair party, she tops herself!


Celine Dion 2

The Mary Kate sky rocket shoes, teamed with over used opaque tights and then satin smock dress that bags around her like a kite on a blowy day. The belt that doesn’t sit on the right level as the lining, and to top it off, the dog collar of shame! It’s pure trash-tastic turns Euro designer in Vegas and I love it! In the way that I hate it – you know.


Emily Blunt

The Buble and Blunt. It sounds like a Roald Dahl story really, but as I’ve said before I think these two are impossibly cute and funky and I bet they would be fantastic dinner party guests (if I had a dinner party!). I love her dress and I think it’s the way to shine and sparkle without looking like the disco ball that should be strung up in the local hall.


Eva Green

I’ve got a pretty good idea that Eva’s friends made her a bet. They said ‘Eva, because you looked pretty hot in Casino Royale, because you rocked a tooty English accent and wore fantastic dresses and had a rolicking little scene with Dan, the man, we bet you, we challenge you: look horrendous, look like Moriticia Adams, scare the crap out of everyone. We bet you Eva.’ And I think Eva has given it a mighty good crack.


Ellen Pompeo

Next week on Grey’s Anatomy: Meredith catches a rare Spanish Salsa disease ‘En-Hot-a-Macaras-Litis’ causing her to ramble in a local dialect from El Salvador and wear Carmen Miranda inspired outfits. Derek in attempt to be supportive creates a fruit head dress to match but Alex eats all the fruit before Meredith can croak her appreciation.


Elizabeth Shue

Liz, I’m so glad you made it, did you make the potato salad? Awwh thanks for that, just pop the beer out the back, and come and join the girls in the kitchen, the boys are at the BBQ, you know. You look lovely for this Sunday afternoon get together, specially for a backyard catch up but you always did dress up for the special occasion. What? Sorry, what now? Oscar who?


Ginnifer Goodwin & Chris Klein

There comes a time in every EX's life where they are just going to run into their EX with the new partner. It’s uncomfortable, awful and you spend an entire day preparing for it. Here was the show day of 07 with all parties to the crazy Tom Cruise – Katie Holmes union. I feel for Chris, cause he clearly went through some heartache, some long nights and now after scraping himself out of the bottle and finding an eerily similar new girlfriend, she doesn’t support him by bringing her A game. She looks trashy and the bag and dress have no business together.


Gywneth Paltrow

I like it and here’s why: Gwyn and Oscar, have had a pretty damn rocky relationship. There’s that whole winning thing for Shakespeare in Love, let’s just not talk about that! There’s the whole pink prom dress thing. There’s the whole ugly cry thing. There’s the whole braided Heidi hair that other year thing. There’s that not wearing a bra thing. So ladies, gents, think of those occasions, take a moment, reflect. She looks pretty good now doesn’t she! Yes, the hair distracts from the dress, and it reminds me a little of Michelle Williams last year but again: think, reflect, admire.


Hayden Painterrie

Little Hayden (stupid name aside) is beginning to impress me. It’s youthful, funky, classy (it’s Vanity Fair people) and there’s not a opaque tight or mis matching belt in sight. Damn right save the Cheerleader.


Joely Fisher

Wow – wait, not a good wow – but a wow, does that look painful. Her boobs are crying with pain, hell, my boobs are crying with pain just looking at it. For a woman with curves, it’s never a good thing to actually have lines like virtual street directory pointing out hippy hill. Also good to check the size and maybe think about that in relation to your own.

Firstly, I must, must address the fact I’m SO excited. I got my very first hate mail! It’s awesome, I feel so special. So I felt I must honour this person who vented their frustration – I feel I owe them that. I’ll address the issues point by point:

Bondi Blonde Girl: Her name is Jaime Wright.

Sorry, my fault, in my journalistic efforts for integrity and thorough research in covering a beer launch, I may have been busy and not noted it down. Will make sure to do more in the future.

You are obviously bitter

Well, I don’t think this site would function very well without me being somewhat bitter…it’s not called the Sunshine and Baby Kisses Light of Day.

and boring

Oh my God, how did you know? I’ll try and work on that too.

typing pathetic comments

I thought I was quite witty and pithy sometimes. Yes, I know I have an off week sometimes but, I try really.

people who are out there enjoying life while getting paid v well for it

Well if life is so good for these people and they are being paid well for it, shouldn’t they therefore be able to afford nice clothes? I’m just wondering.

I suggest that you get out from behind your computer

No, it’s warm here and I can eat chocolate and mock people.

live life

Does that mean I have to exercise?

Life is too short

OMG! Does everyone know that? Seriously, people should be alerted. Also in case anyone is asking, I heard the sky was also falling!

so just stop bitching

It’s kind of the function of the site. And also, then I’d just have to live my pathetic boring life. And I’d be bitter.

and enjoy it

That kind of goes hand and hand with the bitching

Bondi Blonde Beer rocks

I’m sure it does and up and until that moment your defense of Jaime Wright as on track. Then you had to plug. Publicist outted. So, to forget all evils etc I will accept a slab of beer.

Claudia Karvan

See people think I have a major problem with Claudia, like a real deal issue and yes, I kind of do but I’m willing to accept when she looks nice. Here she looks lovely. The dress fits, oh yeah. The shoes are acceptable (tad shiny and reflective) and the red under thing is good value considering Claudie’s efforts of the past would have worn the dress sans under top. And I like, actually love the hair chop – almost as transforming as Britney’s.


Catherine Martin

Now Catherine is a talented woman, anyone who could dress and costume all those people on Moulin Rouge deserves some sort of award, the Spotlight Sequins and Satin of 2002, maybe? Anyway, my problem is some one who dresses others so well, seems to have not dressed herself well. The cinching fabric is bunching in a most unattractive way and the hemline hits her at exactly the wrong length. Also the flat shoes while good for other occasions, give her some big time cankles…and nobody needs cankles.


Jodi Gordon

I’m a Jodi kind of girl. She dresses uniquely and not like a Supre advertisement. She’s got a pretty face and smile thing going on and she has a very sad story behind the scenes (Today Tonight gets me every time). I think however, Jodi may have been roped into the Seven V8 launch at the last minute. Hence the unwashed hair, the make up lacking and generally uncohesive-ness (spell check is for wimps) of the outfit.


Jessica Tovey

See, these H&A girls are doing an excellent job of off-set styling. They have a sense of fashion and I, of all people, probably more than I should, appreciate that. Jessica looks classy and fresh and hip and of course the terrible leaning on the car like grid girl is, a little tragic, however her outfit saves her.


Leah Purcell

Leah is a very talented person, has a great spirit and does wonders for film in Australia. Doesn’t save her from dressing in cheap satin bathrobe, that doesn’t actually fit. Poor Leah, you can tell she’s just decided to try and look funky and trendy, and some awful person in the store convinced her she looked so good. EVIL, EVIL store person, not every one should pop out of their clothing!


Leanna Walsman

See this is perfect. It’s cool independent film festival. It’s summer without being trashy. Her hair is perfect, soft and elegant. And her shoes look perfect and non-cankley. And her tan is matching and even - wonders will never cease! I would say this is the best I’ve seen Leanna look and I would have no problems looking like this each day.


Missy

Missy is apparently a fashion designer. And yes, she does have that train wreck – esque Kate Moss thing going on. But only Kate Moss, can do Kate Moss and even then I still have trouble (Pete D, really? I need an essay and a powerpoint presentation to convince me Kate). Missy, however, is not Kate Moss, she’s not even Jordan. Ergo a simple train wreck.


Sacha Horler

Like Catherine Martin, Sacha has fallen victim to the bunching bandits of bad fabric! It’s a plague on all our houses. Thankfully, the shoes weren’t as bad, and fabric not as bad, but I think we can see a new trend developing here. In the rush away from the kaftan, people are bunching by the dozen – and it’s got to stop! Stop the bunching.


Susie Porter

We’ve discussed Susie P and her red beanie of fun here before and Susie continues to flaunt it in my face. That’s fine, I’m not the one wearing a red beanie repeatedly in public Suz. I get that it’s some attempt to be cool, some break free from the opaque tights gang and be cool and solo. But the thing is, it ain’t cool or really unique - Heath Ledger’s been doing it for years, so have Melbourne Uni arts students who drive Mini Coopers and believe they thought up Status Anxiety way before Alain de Botton did.


Veronica Gay

Apparently Veronica is an actress but I’ve not seen her in anything and maybe, that’s a good thing. Maybe, oh maybe, before she becomes really famous, like Logie red carpet famous, she might want to hire a stylist, or consult a friend, or look in a mirror! Taking in all awful styles and messing them together like ProHart (RIP), it’s a Supre fashion designer’s dream and every one else is nightmare.