The Harsh Light of Day

To start of proceedings an apology - no, sorry starlets not to you, but readers to you. Another late one this week, but to remedy this, in the future, I moving posting to Sunday's. It means I've got a whole day to procrastinate now. It also means something to look forward to on Monday.


Alison Cratchley

Arrgh! Shivers me timbers, it’s almost Pirates of the Caribbean time and me blessed Mary, Johnny Depp is back in town. Do ya think if I dress this way, I might be in for a chance to replace Keira I’m too good for Johnny and Orlando Knightley. Maybe a wooden leg will do the trick?



Alex Dimitrades

Hey Alex, can you grab me a vegie pizza with no olives. What? You’re not running out to get pizza? You’re on a red carpet? Are you sure? Really? Cause I really will pay you back for the pizza, I promise. Okay, you stick with that red carpet story then.

Alana Valentine

Suspenders are hard. Hard work for the pants they hold up, and hard work for the shirt they flatten over. In fact, unless you’re auditioning for either Naughty Teachers and Their Night Time Fantasies or one of the Lollipop Kids in Oz then really, you’ve no business wearing them.


Bessie Bardot

Good old Bessie, she is a trusty and reliable as the day is long. Without doubt, I think I can be sure that Bess will turn up to any event, be it day or night with lengthy, lengthy neckline, the same slick back blonde Bond girl look and an outfit that’s ruined by accessories. The white belt today is the culprit, but really, we all know who the real culprit is, yes, we do.


Candice Falzion

I’d love to rush to Candy’s defence and say that shortly after this photo was taken, she rushed screaming from the carpet, realising that she’d torn her dress on the way to the venue. Yes, she’d thought the breeze had been very fresh prior to walking the carpet but hadn’t been able to explain it. Sadly, I can not say these things as this people, was intentional. I know, counselling is available for all those who seek it.

Erika Hairnets

If you look very hard into Erika’s dress and squint for like five minutes, you’ll see…absolutely nothing. No, people, Erika’s dress is not a magic eye puzzle, although she might want to start spreading that story because the amount of people who are going to sue after looking at this picture and getting a migraine, is mounting. Also, the Air Pacific ladies thank you for flying with them but would like their hat back, they have a flight to catch.

Erin McNaught

Bless Erin and her poor little misguided heart. I can actually see how this dress started off some place normal. The details on the cleavage area is actually quite nice and if it had been left alone would have been fine. But no, some over the top design student from RMIT went a little mad and added belts and ruffles and contradicting patterns and before you know it, it’s a right royal mess. From small things, big things grow – doesn’t mean these big things are good.


Fiona Faulkiner

Look, it pains me to say it (not really, but I’ll pretend) Fee, darling one, maybe it’s time to have a little less time focusing on becoming an E grade celeb and maybe, working a bit more on the diet. Seriously, I’m sure the canapes are lovely, and the food at these dinners are good too but what would Trainer Bob say. Otherwise, you end up like this and have people looking at your picture and wondering was it a two jug minimum that night?


Kathryn Eisman

Loathe as I am to do it, sometimes I must give credit where credit is due, and I, will say that yes, Kathryn does look quite nice here. Okay, so the cleavage is a little hiked and the skin is a little Fanta but in general, the gold, black dress is great and she is blessed be, standing up straight! For Kathryn, this is a marked improvement.


Kate Waterhouse

Okay people, this belt thing is getting out of hand. I mean truly, how far away can we be from people heading down to Coles in trackies and jumper and a belt around their waist? Some dresses Kate, are perfectly okay to not have a belt, not everything comes with a belt, our ancestors survived for years without them, I think maybe, together we can too.


Shari-Lee Hitchcock

Just ignore Lizzy Buttrose in the cream, take a little look to the right. Man that’s an outfit! I mean Shari, I thought you brought something hooker special to the Spring Racing Carnival but boy, I am glad to see you are preparing to bring that something special to Sydney’s Easter Carnival. I’m so ready to see what’s next. If this Deadwood southern dame belle is the opening act then bring on the main numbers!


The Minogues

‘Kyleeeeeeeeeee! God, I thought we discussed this.’
‘Sorry, I can’t hear you over the flash bulbs.’
‘You said you wouldn’t steal my thunder this time.’
‘Sorry Debbie, what now?’
‘It’s Danii, and you said, you would slip into Melbourne and no one would ever know you’re here.’
‘Why would I say that, every one in Australia loves me.’
‘Yeah but they’re supposed to love me too. I’m in Australia’s Got Talent and people thought maybe I was like, being ironic about my talent.’
‘You’ve got talent?’
‘Yes Kylie, I do!’
‘Really, in that beanie?’
‘Shut up! It’s cool.’
‘Sure it is.’
‘Tell me what happened to Frenchie again!’
‘Tell me about Julian McMahon.’

Natarsha Belling

I think poor Tarsh, got very confused by whole bathers, Gold Coast glamour launch thing and actually came dressed in what she thought was Gold Coast glamour. It’s like she was given twenty minutes in down town Surfers Paradise with twenty dollars and this is what she came up with. Which would have been fine if it were some crazy Shopping for Love thing but unfortunately for Tarsh, it’s not.

Rachel Hunter

Fantastic legs aside, can someone actually remind me when Rachel was actually that famous. I don’t remember her being Elle big, but this past week, you’d think she was better than Elle/Jennifer Hawkins and Olivia Newton John combined. Plus work for the PR team. The stylist however, looses points for this disco ball number. It only shows of Rach’s legs, which yes are sightly, but does nothing, nothing at all for the rest of her.


Mrs Fenech

When they say it fits like a glove, sometimes that’s not the best thing in the world. Although it does give us fantastic insight into why Jeff married the Mrs. Even ex boxers need punching bags.


Tali Jatali

When I was at school, at the beginning of every year I would start anew, believe I would work hard and focus. This inexplicably started with organising my pencil case, writing my name on all my books in big balloon letters and wrapping my folders in colourful contact. I’d usually have a colour for each subject, Maths was red, PE usually blue, and Science was Green. Tali’s dress is the contact covering from my Year Eight Science folder.



The Black Dress
Anneleise Brakensack, Charlotte Dawson & Melissa Doyle

AHA! It’s working, those celebs are hearing me, they see my advice as being harsh, yet right! Only two weeks again, Miss Candice Alley received big ticks from me for her beautiful black dress and what do we see, everyone’s gone black dress crazy. Candice should be extra proud because she still looks the best, by far. Still ladies, it’s good to see you’re hearing me but maybe, we might take the tips and adapt them to a new dress. Not just copy someone. Lessons to learn for everyone.

Alex Fevola

Alex and I, we hung out – Runaway 6, talking the talk, walking the walk. Waving across the aisle to Dicko and Co, paying serious attention for her new job as Fashion Reporter from Nine (Mia Freedman must be dying). Well, we would have hung out, had I not been a few rows behind her, but only a few! Still, even from a few rows back I did spot Alex’s need to maybe check the mirror before leaving the house. I know it can be tough being a single mum and all but remember Alex, to match the bra and top otherwise it’s a polka dotted crashes floral lingerie mess.


Alex Fevola Part 2

Maintaining the fashionista world can be hard Alex, I hear ya. It’s clearly draining you, as the next night we see a little circled eyed, a little more tatty Fevola. Again, lingerie versus top face off. In this world of wars, and famine and kids dying in Darfur and Palestine Versus Israel, surely, surely, bras and tops can come together in perfect harmony and provide a roadmap for peace. (you have to be impressed with my linking war and lingerie in one easy step.)


Anna – Hamish Blake’s Girl

It must be tough for Anna. Her boyfriend and his mate, all normal and then a little radio and a little funny and bam, it’s an overnight sensation. So she’s fighting of the ladies cramming for some celebrity action and then Andy really helps things out by shacking up with a supermodel. Bet that makes Tuesday Date Night really fun for poor Anna! Still, if you’re going to make a fight of it Anna and I hope you do, maybe the stripes from a beach towel and belt/boobs from Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, aren’t the best challenge.


Giaan Rooney

Well hello Giaan! From the girl who and I quote myself (cause I’m an authority) looks like she ‘tumbled out of the stripper barrel at Spotlight’, this is a vast, massive, giant yet dainty step forward. Gone are the garish fabrics and Year 11 Formal hair and replaced with fashion black, beautiful, beautiful blow waved hair and unique and individual shoes. Extra points for make up being natural yet sophisticated.


Jenny Bannister

Velkome, Velkome, to Ukraine Idol. After Yvengy’s stirrink rendition ‘Vhat About Me?’ We have Mariska, to my vight, and her hot stuff interpretation of ‘Man, I Feel Like a Voman!’


Kate Ritchie

In the slide further and further down the fashion chain, Kate proves believing one’s press is often a killer. Did she let Nicki Webster do her hair? Cause there’s some serious over styling going on there Kate. And, what are, in all that is holy, those shoes? I don’t know if I’d even classify them as shoes. Did you forget to do them up? Zipper get stuck? Or did you step in a red paint bucket? Either way, they ain’t cool.


The Neighbours Lassie’s – Natalie Blair & Pippa Black

Natalie’s dress isn’t at all bad. Very Natalie Portman delicate and lovely which means when you team them with stripper cork shoes, the effect tends to get diluted. Also, it requires a more…demure pose. But Pippa really gets the short change in fashion again – the horrible shoes won’t leave her feet, and the dress, is very patriotic. If she were entering an Irish dancing competition she’d be set. Michael Flately stage left please!


Sam Brett

Sam Brett is now on the permanent celebrity guest list. This will prove equally entertaining as well as proving that anyone can really, with little talent, be a celebrity. Sam continues to show no originality with her ten months behind the play dressing, and growing resemblance to Rachel Zoe. Wait for it, December 09, Sam’s going to start rocking the leggings. And before you say it, hell yes it's professional jealousy. I'd love an excuse to swan about and 'blog' about my modern day 'dating' dramas!


Sarah Blasko

See, I bet you all think I’m some fuddy duddy, who is going to rail against Miss Blasko for looking like Grandma on Sunday’s but no, I’m not. This is perfect for Sarah and she looks comfortable and still classy, cool and relaxed. It would be stupid for her to turn up in Sarah Murdoch’s outfits and vice-a-versa but each makes their own thing work and I recognise that! That’s right, you know it!


Stella McCartney Sales

This is how I like to see fashion pursued people, with elbows, violent jabs and bitchy-ness. These were the brilliant scenes from Target following Stella’s limited edition range and boy, I wish they had sold seats. From reports, there was snatching, grabbing, mannequin dismembering and all round crazy town. Other on the ground reporters (shout out SD) tell a different story of shoppers bonding in the queue. Of mother’s lining up for sleepy daughters (line up yourself, lazy bum). Of size sharing, of hand holding and peace, love and Ben Lee seranading that we're all in this together (some parts of that statement may be untrue). Still while that sounds lovely and civilised, I’m sorry, but I prefer my sales Jerry Springer style, if someone isn’t naked or bleeding it’s just no fun.

Richard Nylon Millenary

Ladies, part of my on the ground attendance at Melbourne Fashion Festival was L'Oreal Runaway Six and let’s just say the highlight, aside from attending, was Richard and his hats. Possibly highlight is the wrong word but fun was had watching these babies make their way down the runway.


Hat 1

She’s either auditioning for a role in The Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe – White Witch Returns: A Snow Ball’s Chance in Hell or she had a nasty accident in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.


Hat 2

That’s some monster pimples exploding there! I think mine are bad but ooch.


Hat 3

Suzy hoped that no one would notice her new braces head gear.


Hat 4

I believe this to be a political statement against turbine wind farms. Poor birds never saw it coming.


Hat 5

NewsFlash: Foxtel begins to crack down on inventive ways to receive Cable television.


Hat 6

The honey farmer wondered had he encouraged his wife’s new desire to sew and visit Spotlight a little too much.

Anthony Callea

"What? I’m sorry? You mean David Jones wasn’t the theme?! Seriously? I was on eBay for hours tracking down a horrendous shirt and belt and matching it with the pants. I went and matched it with the bloody shoes too. I mean it’s not like I wear this stuff normally. As if I’d wear white shoes and an awful oversized jacket? I do not! Oh, shut up."


Amy Pollard

Why do beautiful young women with fantastic amazing figures believe dressing like potato sacks is the way to go? Also why do they believe that jazzy thongs are appropriate for the red carpet? (yes, I know there is no actual red carpet but you know what I mean) Amy pulled off the Brownlow dress of the year in 06, this year she pulled of the Safeway bag of potato dress.


Grant Hackett & Candice Alley

Grant’s been saying planning a wedding and moving to Melbourne and fiancée Candice have been a bit distracting for him from that old swimming thing. I can see why! Candice looks swimming (I’m here all week, tip your waitress!) and I love this classic/modern black dress, that's classy and elegant with the right amount of sex appeal. Who needs a Gold Medal when you’ve got this little baby on the arm.


Camilla Frank

I’m ignoring Anneleise because I’m immediately drawn to the giant couch standing next to her. And before you all get up in arms about my hard line on her weight it’s got nothing to do with that. It’s the fact dear Camilla has take the slip cover off her couch and hey presto it’s an outfit! Shazaam no it’s not!


Danni Minogue

In the continuation of 'my serviette is my dress', 'my potato sack is my outfit'. I’ll give points to Danni for the beautiful red colour which some what saves this dress but the length and the fit are abhorrant.


Emily Browning

Em is divine, she is a beautiful young actress and has a very bright future ahead of her. There is no need to dress as a trash bag though, I know you’re an independent movie girl but that doesn’t mean you dress as the poor pauper cousin of the real movie stars. Actually this dress reminds me of one thing very important…I need to pick up more bin liners. I will be kind to Em, and ignore the court shoes desperately picking their way out of the grass – stay low court shoes.


Gemma Gawnd

There’s Harry Highpants and then there is Sally Slides So Far Up You Bottom Skirt. Gemma attempts to be so hip with her high skirt and blue blouse. She ends up looking dated and past her prime. Actually a fashion reflection of her celeb life maybe. Ironic self referential dressing is great.


Jennifer Hawkins

I’m all for J-Hawk. She’s the epitome of the girl next door. She's Alison Brahe without the infinite Dolly covers. I think she’s played the fifteen minutes game better than anyone in the past five years and for that I’m happy. The dress is fine, hair is fine, my problem is the decision by someone to have the photo shoot in Luna Park’s House of Crazy Mirrors! Okay, it wasn’t actually at Luna Park but you could have fooled me! We also get a fantastic view of the attending media which is a great way to brag to your boss that you did your job but it’s not that nice for people at home.


Jade McRae

So hot right now! Well, not really. In fact, quite dowdy right now would be better. As a fellow curly girl, I understand how fun it is to go straight, I’d never have a fringe of fright though. A baggy saggy glitter top…boring! And here we go again with the court shoe invasion! Why???? People why???


Jo Silvangi

I think Jo and I are very alike. Especially at the moment, freakily alike. I think she is dealing with the humidity by flattening her hair! I think she’s covering an incredibly burnt cleavage (don’t ask!) with a grey rollneck. It’s like we’re living the same life. Whether that life equates to good fashion sense I don’t think so. Unlike Jo however, my impossibly cute ageless footballer husband isn't around these days.

Laura Csortan

Listen Laura, I’m all for having a fab set. I’m all for showing the best asset. And you’re lucky, you’ve got quite a few assets to work with. What I’m not all for is bringing the ladies and then having your dinner companion accidentally grab a breast when they innocently believed the bread rolls had just been put on the table. I’m not all for that.


The Newtons – Part 1

Look, it’s an event in Melbourne: the Newtons must be here. Patti trotts out the usual the slacks and jacket number with the frosted tips and that’s fine, it’s been working for her for over twenty years, so go for it. Lauren continues to drive me mad, absolutely over the edge, with her twenty years behind the play fashion. She’s finally cottoned onto the leggings, only six months and three rehab trips later. The lace tablecloth highlights her efforts in ugly dressing!


The Newtons – Part 2

Lauren and Matt Newton, sorry Welsh, prove that you can always, always have too much of a bad thing. Lauren picks up the fashion trail a little quicker this week, she’s onto the animal print and let me take this opportunity to say it. I hate animal print, I see it must be coming into fashion but my god, I tell you all right now, I’m staking a fight against it. I’m making a stand. If you can show me one person who looks classy, elegant and beautiful in animal print, I’ll do something crazy. (see how open ended I am!)


Lindy Rama

See Lindy, I know you’re a princess, and I know you’re royalty and I know generally you dress very well. I know that animal print is trying to come back into fashion. I know we are trying to be ‘green’ and recycle. But Lindy, an animal itself is not fashion and wearing road kill while very kind to the environment means you will probably smell as well as look pretty damn stupid.


Natalie Bassingthwaite

How was the trip overseas Nat? Get everything done you needed to do? Pulled everything together? Needled your way into a few places? Inflated your time? All this terribly secretive suggestions are also highlighted by a fugly, fugly dress that hits her at exactly, exactly, exactly the wrong spot on her thigh! What a nip/tuckin’ shame.


Pippa Black

In a dress that needs an appointment with a tailor, preferably with Pippa in it, she looks swamped and makes me think she borrowed Mum’s clothes. The Cleopatra shoes are also terribly awful. Which is quite suitable considering how Pippa apparently behaved at the event. Pippa word of warning, don't piss of the fashionistas, they will burn you! Think Ugly Betty but like ten times worse and without the cute boss.


Stephanie McIntosh

OH GOD!! I thought we saved you Steph, I know we didn’t check in recently but I thought that’s because you were doing well. And now, you turn up in this! Looking like that! We’ve had words, we’ve spoken, we’ve begged and it seems to no avail. Well, if that won’t work think of this: the last celebrity to wear cowboy boots on a repeated basis and rock ratty blonde hair extensions was Britney Spears. Look where the path of vice leads Stephanie. Should I prepare the clippers or will you save yourself?


Tatiana G

For a very big long-winded drawn out moment I was sacred last night. For Tats was in the bottom two on Dancing with the Stars and I worried, worried like crazy that Tats would be eliminated and her D grade re-emergence would be over. With outfits like this, I hope she wins the damn thing. It’s so absurd, so bizarre, so very Tiffani Wood, so Grease Lightening, so Danny and Sandy Zuko (they got married in my head) and I love it - in a funny ironic way, just so we’re clear.