The Harsh Light of Day

Anthony Callea

The inherent problem with being a baby faced boy wonder is that until you’re forty, and all those around you look haggered and old, you will always be trying to convince people you’re a man. Hence Anthony’s continued search for masculine, rough edge. The search should continue Ant’s because this comb over teamed with Like a Prayer rosary beads – not the most tough look.

Bianca Dye

I like Prison Break too Bianca, I’m a big fan of the show, and I am obe who thinks a certain Michael Schofield is the sexiest criminal going around these days. You know what Bianca, I don’t dress as a fan though, I don’t put my boobs in a prison. I certainly would never put my stomach a separate unequally unflattering prison.

Holly Brisley

While I can’t see the rest of the dress, I don’t think I really want to. The serviette from a 70’s wedding folded into the front, with an ill fitting bodice and chunky a lunky diamonds makes me want to not see the dress. Really, not see the rest of what could be a cast off from the Kath and Kim wardrobe.

Jessica Mauboy

Hopefully this is a sign that joining the Young Divas, Jessica will turn the tide of fashion horrible-ness. Maybe she will introduce Paulini to hourglass figure dresses. Maybe she help Emily realise that not everything in Spotlight is a dress. Maybe she help Kate…just help Kate. Here she shows how to sparkle without being a disco ball. While not a show stopper, it’s good ground laying work for a hard campaign ahead.

Kate Ritchie

Maybe it’s a good thing that Sally’s leaving the bay. Because she’s obviously quickly turning into Pippa – mum with the mumu. My only explanation for Kate’s choice, is that she dropped a pre arrival canapé on the planned outfit, and in an effort to make it on time, she had to duck across the road to 50% sale behind her and make do with Aunty Jean’s Thursday night Bingo top.

Laura Csortan

I don’t mind this outfit from Laura but it just leaves me feeling hungry for her. And a little yoga’d out. It’s verging into Madonna gym junkie territory, and I think Laura is far prettier when she’s not a pencil. See Logies 06, there was one hot lady.

Lizzy Lovette

Look Lizzy it’s fine, really it is, and sure it’s breast cancer benefit and pink is their signature colour but there comes a time, when you wonder if you’re simply morphing Elle Woods. And that’s what I always tend to feel about Lizzy, that’s she’s sixteen and dressing up for the Sorority. Go Kappa Gamma Girls!

Natalie Michaels

Against my better judgement, I actually really kinda like this. It’s a really nice colour on Nat, and she teamed her accessories and hair well, and whilst the shoes aren’t really part of what I would consider fantastic – the rest of the outfit counterbalances and I say bravo Nat.

Sam Brett

Wouldn’t it be nice if the end of the red carpet in this picture was a metaphoric and Sam Brett’s time was coming to an end. Sam’s choice in dress is severely questionable. The burnt orange isn’t doing her fake and bake tan any favours and the wrap up neck, it’s not really helping with an elongating face shape.

Sami Lukas

Cute Sami, cute and fresh and spring-y without being over the top. The subdued sandals let the dress do the talking and Sami is confident and perfect and spot on.

Sarah Murdoch

Good God, it must be so hard in the morning! My love for Sarah grows all the time and here she looks confident and classy and elegant and powerful and sexy and just overall good. Damn that O’Hare girl, damn her!

A lot of people said to me before the Brownlow, aren’t you worried that people are going to be classy this year? Well, let’s just say after watching with a close eye last night – HELL NO!

Alyce Oksuz

I see what she’s attempting to do here, but why the applique sections? It’s like Halle Berry got stage fright at the last minute and decided some crochet sections would tone it all down. The dress as a plain gold would have bee fine.

Anna Lodge

See, people have incredibly bizarre fashion taste, because I thought in a sea of flash’n’trash, this was dignified and classy and elegant and very lady like, whilst certain commentators said this was sheet-like. WHATEVER! Anna is certainly skinny enough to carry it off and avoids sacktown, and considering what else was out there, this is one of my favs for the evening.

Bree Hately

Won’t her mother be proud! Firstly, Bree I understand all WAG’s (wives and girlfriends for those under rocks) now envy Rebecca Twigley’s dress and call it the show-stopper and basically want that type of attention but here’s the thing. The dress was pretty slutty – it was slit from front to back and side. And half the reason it received the coverage it did, is because sports journalists are often comprised of gorilla-men – how else do you explain The Footy Show and Sam Newman? And not to be nasty, but your dress is pretty slutty too, and doesn’t do you any favours. So if you’re goal was to be Rebecca Twigley, then mission accomplished; if however, elegance and class where the goals, then maybe a team meeting is required.

Brooke Robertson

YEE-HAW! I real excited to be tonight! I’m performing some of my best country tunes including Some Dogs Come Back, My Truck Ain’t Broke and Tie Up My Corset. Sure hope, my hair don’t get in the way y’all. Still, I’ll be sure to have a rockin’ good time and remember to take my pick up truck home!

Carla Maguire

While the instincts were right, the execution pains me. Carla, oh how I normal love what you do but the dress isn’t doing your hips any favours at all – in fact, the hips should get a big I Owe You from the dress because they took the brunt of it’s badness.

Catherine Chappell

Classy, elegant and just a smidge boring. I think the dress and hair combined give me an overall School Captain Awards night feel, with Catherine accepting Dux and her place at Melbourne University in BioMedical Science while in the summer holidays volunteering on a trip to East Timor. While I’m sure that’s admirable, it’s not completely fashionable.

Chantelle Delaney

Holy Mumma Jugs! Seriously, if the drought continues on the way it does and diary cows start going belly up, Chantelle could cover Victoria with the milk storage in her lady friends. What’s actually sad is she seems to have deliberately pulled the dress down, because as you’ll note the boob area isn’t placed securely in the dress designated boob area. Sad, really sad.

Felicity Percival

Flicka does the Sydney girls proud! Yes, she is very much at an advantage working for the magazines but still, it’s a sophisticated yet sexy number and it completely works her best assets without revealing her entire body to all and sundry. If only others would follow suit.

Jodie Henry

Completely boring and completely bridesmaid, Jodie ‘I’m Not a Home Wrecker’ Henry, dazzles no one with this ensemble. Pale pink is for weddings or 12 year old girls, not young sporting starlets. And yes, Jodes – a watch is practical but looks damn awful.

Kaiti Williams

I would place a bet that about three months ago silicon was a rare commodity in Melbourne. Kaiti having depleted the reserves of all plastic surgeons, proudly displays her purchases. Every footballer in the room would have loved this dress, every women in room would have laughed at this dress. Inflatable breast pump is sold separately.

Kylie Adams

Clearly flashing your business and showing as much skin as possible has become a fashion must for Brownlow attendees. God only knows why! Sure, Kylie you have a nice body, sure you could all let us know what a grab job you’re waxer is doing but next year, dare to be different, throw caution to the wind and come in a nun’s habit!

Lauren Kirkman

Lauren continues the parade of unflattering bridesmaid’s dresses we saw last night. As Rachel Griffiths will also tell you, half up half down hemline is a complete and utter failure. Also the side head tilt and matching hairstyle is questionable? Was that French Roll that heavy, your head was dragged sideways.

Lyndall Degenhardt

I feel bad about Lyndall in one respect because she is, at least covering up and she should be rewarded for that, however, during the stupid red carpet coverage last night, she mentioned that the corset wasn’t that tight and was okay to breathe in. You know why Lyndall, because it’s not done up properly! A real, quality corset that gives you the hour glass figure, should make it barely impossible to breathe. You should be like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge and cracking ribs because it’s so tight.

Mrs Laidley

Here’s the thing Mrs Laidley. I know the Kangaroos lost by a big fat bundle last weekend. And yes, it was probably pretty embarrassing and I bet Dean was a real grump to live with for a few days and spent most of the time huffing and mopping about – still cut outs dressing is no way to fight off the blues. And your mammaries protest the punishment.

Olivia Anderson

Olivia is up there with Bianca Dye for having little to no sense in how to dress for her body type. Last year, I was very happy to cut the new mum a break as she’d just had bubs, but this year, there is no excuse for panelling in your trouble spots. No excuse at all.

Rachel McLeod

Considering last’s years branding of numbers dress (yes, she was that one) this can only be an improvement. But what’s the pattern all about – flowers and tiger print and a purple snake? If there’s a story, sure I’d love to hear it but even then stories are for books and not dress prints.

Random Girl 1

Wow, talk about badly, badly misjudge a good dress. Poor little lass got all excited about her shot at the big time and just overboard on everything: fake tan, ruffles, cleavage, length and who knows what else? The only thing that seems small is the odd fitting and badly constructed triangles meant to hold her cleavage.

Random Girl 2

I don’t understand; I really, really don’t get it. Did she just think, crap this dress is missing something? Quick honey, pass me the Sorbent Thicker For Sure Six Pack Toilet Paper, I’ve got a brilliant idea. Is she planning to toilet paper some one’s room later and this was the only way to hide it? Worried the stocks at Crown would run low?

Random Girl 3

Clearly there was an accident at Random Girl 3’s house with a blender and her dress. Never fear though, she made do with her economy size garbage bag, some scissors, UHU Glu stick and a bit of spunk. Either that or it’s a passive aggress attempt to remind her hubbie to take bins out.

Random Girl 4

Holy Jesus! Pleats are never any one’s friend. In fact, in the history of things, they’d be up there with locusts, cane toads and droughts in usefulness strakes. Yet every year some poor girl embraces the pleat and suffers the consequences. What’s extra special is the pleat itself is topped off by a wheat germ vomit green. Now that’s a whole other level!

Random Girl 5

See this is what happens when very well meaning mothers offer to make their daughters dress, because then they will have something completely unique on the red carpet. Sure Random Girl, it’s unique, but the it’s made out of faux pearl necklace at the back – if that isn’t an invitation for some gutter minded footballer to say dirty things then I don’t know what is.

Random Girl 8 (left) & 9

These ladies are also known as the Henchmen of the Silk Apocalypse. Leftie needs to firstly, stand up the straight and possible consider that cheesecake lemon was never going to be a crowd pleaser. And Right – man, you need to delete all your friend’s phone numbers. If anyone of them saw you before you left and said ‘you look great, have a good time,’ they were flat out lying through their teeth, or blind.

Random Girl 10

See here’s the thing, I was to applaud her for bravery and fashion forwardness because it’s not silk or taffeta and it’s not plunging necklines and tarty leg slits. However, she’s gone and ruined the whole thing by wearing a black under-sheath and having a hairstyle eerily similar to a bird’s nest. Also, she has a strong resemblances to Cat Deeley and that’s even more annoying – but not really her fault.

Rebecca Twigley

As I said before, everyone raves about Twiggers and how amazing she was and is. Well, let’s be honest kids, the red dress from a few years back wasn’t that great! And I haven’t seen anything that I’ve loved from her. The dress actually photographs badly, it looked much nicer on camera but here it’s another boring tulle/corset combo with Twiggers and Judd exhibiting about as much chemistry as a rock and another rock.

Rhiannon Whitnall

Okay, when you run out of organza and the dress isn’t finished, people will notice if you try and fudge. We’ll spot that a mile off, so nice try but back to the sewing machine. Also, I think Rhiannon, you need to step away from the curling irons – just put them down and back away.

Susie McLean

Okay Sus, sorry but Liz Hurley came and went and did this over ten years ago. And it was much less Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation goes formal and far more sexy, risqué (considering Hugh Grant’s hair then, she had to do something). So take your slit, and stripped hair and tanned to the max self home and find a new trend to cheaply mimic.

Yes, that's right people, I stayed up until 1.30 and awaited Getty's Brownlow contribution and then checked again at 6am and still nothing, nadda, zip. It's like they don't think sequins and thigh-high splits are important!

Never fear, I've got off campus for pics and I will be updating later today - trust me you'll want to see it, there are plenty of trash-tastic dress to celebrate!

Yes, you may have arrived looking for you Monday morning fix. However, today should be marked on your calendar in gold, glitter sparkles and with a slash up the leg. It's Brownlow Night tonight and next to the Logies, it's my favourite night of the year. So try again tomorrow morning, and you'll have coverage of all the dresses, ladies and gents and whnt's sure to be an entertaining red carpet!

Check Your Mailbox: Check your own damn mailbox, I've been on holidays.

Amy Pearson

A grand, grand improvement on her Dolly Awards appearance, Amy looks surprisingly good in yellow. Still, the belt – while it serves a purpose, I just don’t understand why the dress itself couldn’t have been sewn that way. Why a big ugly belt, when a needle and thread and few extra minutes in the design studio would do?

Asha Kuerten

Appropriately green at the Miss Earth Awards, Asha is, let’s face it, a very pretty girl. However, she seems to be unaware of her body’s best assets and how to accentuate them. This dress would be far more suited to a bustier lady but instead on Asha, it makes her look incredibly flat chest-ed and also quite wide hipped.

Elka Graham

Wow! And not good wow! Like, weird Ellen Pompeo (more on that later) but seriously – I really want to feed poor Elka something, or she runs the risk of being confused with a xylophone. The dress itself is okay, a little beachy but still fine. I’m just of the opinion, that while women come in all shapes and sizes – 2B Pencil’s aren’t some of the shapes we’d like to see.

Kim Ellery

I don’t know what Kim Ellery does, I don’t know who Kim Ellery is. All I know is she successfully passed the Op Shop challenge. Dressing for under $10 is easy that’s for sure. Just don’t expect to look stylish, presentable or sane.

Rachel Hunter

There seems to be a misunderstanding that peasant dresses are cool, fashionable items that make you like exotic and summery. I have to ask, no offence to the peasants out there but would you really want to wear an outfit from a community of ‘small farm labourers of low social rank’?

Saskia Burmeister

Oh Saskia, I want to have your skin, your glowing smile and cute lovely dimples. I can’t really see your silvery tin foil dress. Could be bad, could be good, but I just like to look at your normal, beautiful fresh faced face! I’d be very temped to buy any makeup and/or skin product Saskia happened to be selling.

Tiffani Wood

HURRAY! Start blowing up the balloons, start unravelling the streamers, start flowing the confetti. Tiffani looks good, and I’d even venture into fine!! Sure there’s cleavage, but mamma’s breasfeeding and might as well use what you’ve got. And she does the fashion maths and covers up below. The black is flattering and the hair and makeup. Oh Tiff, together we can conquer worlds and worlds of red carpets.

Emmy’s Special

I love me some Awards shows, like a pathological love of them. So, while we stick to the Aussies around here normally, every major award show we delve into the overseas starlets.

Ten Best

1. America Ferrara

While for some reason Today Tonight was reporting that people didn’t like this dress, I’d ask for written essays or powerpoint because I think she looks FAB. Classy, elegant and not showing her hoochie, shaving her head or in rehab! (okay, the belt’s not my fav).

2. Ali Larter

While it slightly borders on sack, still Ali’s tall enough to rock it.

3. Ana Ortiz

The crazy wacky sister on Ugly Betty, looks glamorous, stylish and very not Ugly Betty. She’s not denying her hips, or her breasts, she is completely accentuating her woman-ness and boy does she look good doing it.

4. Eva Longoria

Sure, Eva seems to be have been born in sparkles and loves to work it. But she does look good, and knows what works for her and that’s half the damn battle!

5. Jane Krakowski

The kooky little secretary from Ally McBeal (remember that show!) looks lovely. With white being the colour of the night, she looks one of the best of the best. And even more so, the belt actually for me, kinda works! (I know, the locusts are almost upon us).

6. Katherine Heigl

Another white classic, Katherine looks beautiful and classy and actually quite sewn into that dress. And I think it’s an ironic reference to her role on a hospital show! Also, it makes me happy for the new season of Grey’s.

7. Lisa Eldenstein

Very nice Lisa, very nice. Daring and sexy and still not thrusting her boobs out for the world! You go Good Doctor, you go get some!

8. Sarah Chalke

While, it’s different and unusual and yes, has ruffles. I think Sarah totally wears this dress. She looks lovely, and fresh and has taken a little daring and driven it a long way.

9. Ellen & Portia

Lovely gad pride aside, Portia does look great. And healthy and happy and Ellen clearly adores her and I say fantastic work to all of you and to each of your own. I do actually think her dress is beautiful and unique.

10. No one else really grabbed my fancy. In fact, there wasn't a dress that I adored, covetted or would sell family members to have. A little disappointing, I must say.

Ten Worst

1. Debra Messing

Debra has been hailed for her fashion choices for years, and you know what, I’ve never, NEVER got it. Sure sometimes she looks better than most but times, as in tonight, it’s boring and blah and I really don’t care.

2. Elizabeth Perkins

Liz apparently thought she was off to a Sunday BBQ and then realized that actually no, while the maxi dress was definitely in, it wasn’t red carpet in. She fumbled hurriedly in her pocket for her car keys, hoping for a salvation that wouldn’t come.

3. Ellen Pompeo

Hairspray looks to be a good film, funny, fluffy and pretty people, singing pretty songs. It isn’t however a new way to start living your life. Ellen, it’s always an idea to check your hairstylists previous credentials.

4. Hayden Panettiere

Being a new famous person must be hard, all your old friends suddenly remembering your number and want to go to the hot shows. Still, Hayden try and resist the pressure. Don’t bend and try and sneak them into the Emmy’s in giant tent dress. People will catch on!

5. Jaime Pressly

WOW- when you have a nice figure and could chose hundreds of beautiful dresses, why would you choose something that makes your ass look huge and your books look saggy!

6. Joely Fisher

I talk a lot of about fashion maths, about giving and taking. Joely has given us everything and then some. Clearly she didn’t get my memo about slutty hemlines and droopy boob cleavage.

7. Kathryn Morris

Someone recently revealed the fact to me there can be such a thing as a cheap red. While Kathryn kindly has showed me cheap red. Along with it’s extra-cheap and tacky red ribbon!

8. Mary-Louise Parker

What starts as a completely normal corseted dress ends in a weird, weight adding dust ruffle. Why you’d ever want to start a hemline at the mid-knee and think that things would be okay, baffles with me and I’m sure many others.

9. Sara Ramirez

Oh Sara! You are normally my light shining brightly, wearing clothes that are beautiful and figure flattering. And you shown up with a peep hole! A peep hole for Christ sake! And then your poor ladies look very squashed and plumped. No, no, no.

10. Tori Spelling

Oh Tori Spelling, or for those who are purveyors of fine television: Donna Martin. Although if you look at Donna’s troubled history you can kind of excuse this dressing: Donna was a shy teen who was pressured by her younger, dorky boyfriend David to have sex, she hold off - he cheated but she forgave him. She got drunk at the Prom and was almost expelled but a march to protest saved her. David pressured her for a third time but just before, they were interrupted and then David turned to Crystal Meth and Donna helped him but then he cheated again and it was over. Donna met a musician who managed to respect her virginity and even wrote a song about it, but he became a bit of a hitter and pushed her down some stairs. In between some dude tried to rape her but David came to the rescue. She ditched the hitter and started with a new dude, but he was ditched to reunite with David, who was then diagnosed as manic depressive. She finally graduated and had sex with David. All the same type of stuff happened in the College years and it ended up with them getting married.

So you can kind of understand why she dresses like she does, can’t you?