The Harsh Light of Day

Alannah Hill

I’ll admit to it right now but I’ve never been a huge fan Alannah Hill and her fashion. It’s a little too much for me, and here is prime example of that. What could have a been a nice black dress ensemble is ruined by sparkley shoes, a tiara and more make-up than Barry Manilow possess. It’s all just a big step in the direction of drag queen fashion and that’s fine, but Alannah is a woman.

Ajay Rochester

Ajay is quite possibly the worst dresser for her size I’ve ever seen. Here, we have the jeans that ate her shoes – seamstress exist in this world Ajay and I’m sure they’d be happy to help you out with the runaway hem you seem to have. The white shirt is okay, but paired with the jeans gives a completely boxy look and she could put to better use her assets.

Bree Amer

I think Bree might be placing a few frantic calls to her agent this week. With the rumours swirling about BB demise, Miss Bree might find the Supre speed dial drying up quite quickly. And with the more than stretched out fifteen minutes gone, so too will her presence on the red carpet. I might get sad…for fifteen seconds in honour of her fifteen minutes.

Bianca Matino

Look darling, I’m a fan of people that I’m not so keen to admit. Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 is my theme song, I love rocking out Kenny Loggins and his Danger Zone and I’ll even tear up my living carpet room to a bit S Club 7 but there’s no way, any one ever loved Marc Anthony that much! He’s just not worth it and there is no way in a J-Lo frozen hell that he’s worth putting on a dress and wearing it publicly. No way EVER!!

Natalie Saleeba & Eliza Taylor-Cotter

OH MY GOD! Like, OH MY GOD! Excuse me while I quickly go and clean my retinas … … … … Okay, I’m back now but scared for life. Firstly, lady on the left – if the dress doesn’t fit, don’t add layers underneath and think people will just get it. We don’t. And Eliza, firstly thanks for ruining my desk on Tuesday when I saw this outfit and spat coffee out over my keyboard! But why, why, why, why would you ever think pleather pocket short pants, with a shirt from the 86 Ken Done collection and vicious ballet bun hair would look good? Clearly, your friends and family hate you, because there’s no way they should have let you leave the house like that.

Caitlin Stasey

Okay Network Ten has real problems. They are spending thousands of dollars of script rewrites and new cast additions (thank God, they are axing the bogan element) and basically trying to Home & Away-ify the whole Neighbours show. You know what would bring the viewers back in droves, hot young starlets who don’t dress like retarded fashion tragics. Following Eliza’s stellar lead, Caitlin (she of Logies horrid dress) pairs a stud bolt dress with a tie over her head, a TIE!!! Trade the tie in a for a brown paper bag and you’d be far better off.

Estelle Andrewartha

You know, I actually quite like this outfit. Sure the hair is Barbie-esque and if I see another set of pockets on a dress, I’ll drop something from a very high place on someone, but overall it’s a cute dress. It flatters her lovely long legs, which aren’t perma tanned orange, it’s got cleavage but not a free lap dance. And sure, she could have matched the shoes, but really in today’s proceedings I’m very much willing to look the other way.

Frank Sweet and date

Frank Sweet aside, and its hard to do with all that hair, but Frank Sweet aside, this lovely nameless lass is divine. I think she’s so classy in gorgeous green, with a funky bob and matching accessories. The temptation for nameless date is to grab attention by tits and arse displays but this youngster has shown how to really grab attention – with a flattering, fitted dress and striking colour. Bravo little one, bravo.

Judith McGrath

Good old Von, she’s been puttering around All Saints for who knows how long and if anyone can survive the tornado known as Georgie Parker then they are doing well in my book. She also displays an elegant pant ensemble for the older lady. Cool, funky without being mutton. And extra points because Von’s got quite a set of pins there. Must be all that running around Emergency.

Klara Lisy

I have no idea who Klara is but today she can be proud. She’s avoided being Harsh. This dress is a little tampon commercial but it’s still quite charming and floaty and spring-y and I commend the early welcome party from Klara. I also commend the matching shoes and handbag. Every little bit helps.

Kym Valentine

I’m sensing in the ratings turnaround effort for Neighbours they’ve brought back Kym Valentine in a hope she will turn into a Sally Fletcher/Kate Ritchie style character. That’s a big jump for little old Kym but I can see the resemblance and I’m not tempted to put nails in my eyes when watching her so, give it a go Neighbours, can’t be worse than what we’re seeing now.

Michala Banas

Michala fully kills the smock dress for me here. Like gets the nail with a power drill and shuts that coffin tight and then even throws the dirt down. It’s such a unflattering outfit and she truly does look ready for a round with the finger paints. I can totally see why guys hate this look and I’m fully in the camp of anti-smocks now too.

Natalie Blair

Finally, someone at Neighbours figures out what fashion is and tries to replicate it. This is a cute outfit from Ms Blair, and considering Ms Blair has been known to truly screw the pooch, I’m extra proud of her efforts here. The pattern top is very sophisticated and cool and the black skirt, while a little office party, is still far better than anything I’ve ever seen from her, so points to you.

Natalie Bassingthwaite

And just as we think, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, Natalie Bassingthwaite turns the torch off. Seriously, Nat, a few more inches on the hemline wouldn’t have killed you! Now we’re all treated to a view of your nether regions that only FHM and Zoo Weekly readers want to see. Also, those boots are the most appalling shoes ever! EVER! Those shoes should be given to terrorist to wear to trial as punishments.

Rachel Carpani & Matt Passmore

While Rach’s looks stylish, elegant and very un-McLeod’s Daughters, boyfriend Matt suffers a little from boxy jacket syndrome (donations are tax free). The jeans and jacket severely clash and cause a block effect on poor Matt, who otherwise is a good looking fella. I’d also consider Matt, visiting a tailor and getting the inseam of the jeans looked at, either that or Rachel is a very, very, very lucky girl!

Romola Garia, Sam Neil & Frances Barber

RG: Oh my God, what a hoot.
FB: I know, it’s just fun playing dress ups.
RG: I love dress up parties! And the eighties, what an awesome theme!
FB: It’s so awesome. I love your dress, where did you get that?
RG: This op shop, I almost wet my pants trying it on, it was so funny.
FB: I had this in the garage, it’s actually something I once owned!
SN: Um, excuse me ladies?
RG: Sam, where’s your costume?
FB: Yeah Sam, you didn’t do a very good job of dressing up.
RG: Unless you are you twenty years ago.
FB: You do seem to never really age.
SN: Yeah ladies, this isn’t actually a dress up party.
RG: What?
FB: Yes it is.
SN: No it’s no.
FB: Then why did the invite say at 80.
SN: That meant it started at 8.00pm, not set in the 80’s.
RG: Oh shit.

Rhys Wakefield

I’m very torn here. I’m so torn between cute boy wonder in funky Seth Cohen-esque jumper and nerd in a jumper I had when I was five. He’s young so I learn to the former. Lucky break Rhys, lucky break.

Sibylla Budd

Isn’t this a chic little number from Sib? It’s a beautiful little winter number, that is tasteful and elegant and befits some one who managed to escape the Patrol boat thing – or did she, I stopped watching after two minutes of forced chemistry between Ian Stenlake and Lisa McCune. But Sib’s, good effort to you. Classic cool and working it like the adult you are, and not some Dotti wannabe.

Veronica Gaye

In either a fantastic homage to Sarah Jessica Parker’s role of Janey Glenn in Girls Just Want To Have (one of the best movies of all time!), or the most tragically misguided following of crappy fashion. Either Veronica isn’t really doing herself any favours, if she is paying homage, then I commend her bravery and taste in classic 80’s films!, if she isn’t, then run, don’t walk, actually step-forward change with a split leap home right now Veronica.

Check Your Mailbox: Neighbours Party - Melbourne (it’s really new, after 65 years we’ve got something you’ve NEVER seen before); Mariah Carey Fragrance Launch – Sydney (I’ve been looking for rambling nutcase with un-dismissible talent for so long!); and of course, the most important – MY BIRTHDAY!

VOTE-VOTE-VOTE-VOTE

Do you: (email me your answers - feel free to give D, E and F a go as options!)
A) like Check Your Mailbox and enjoy planning your imaginary celebrity week
B) hate Check Your Mailbox, who gives a crap what Erin McNaught's juggling this week.
C) enjoy staying silent and not returning any form of feedback for fear of making a judgement and hence being judge.

Also, is there anything else you want from Harsh Light? Cash back and tax refunds for time are not available (I've already tried!)

The Audrey’s

I don’t know who the faux pastel Godfather is on the left, but the lovely little lass on the right looks delightful. She’s probably one of two people in the entire world who can wear a balloon skirt and not look like she’s hiding a watermelon in her dress. And the shoes are way too cute for her to keep, I’ll have them, thanks. Extra style points for the Mia Farrow-esque hairstyle – just keep away from any Woody Allen style people and life will be good.

Bianca Dye

I can’t, in sober mind, understand why Bianca Dye goes out of her way to look terrible. Why she revels in frumpiness? If it’s ill-fitting and makes her look awful then send it to her publicist because she’s sure to wear it. People – I am a smock dress fan, I love that hides my stomach from what I had for lunch! I love it! However, I’m not a celebrity (working on it!) and I’m not a carpet. And also there’s a reason it’s called a SMOCK!

Courtney Act

There’s something really wrong about this picture…it’s just…well…really damn scary. And no, I’m not a homophobic Pauline Hanson pledging girl – it’s the mere ergonomics of it! (for those not too familiar with Courtney, she’s a he…makes the picture more interesting doesn’t it!) On the flip side, with Christina A knocked up at least Courtney can take her maternity leave position in all Candyman dance sequences.

Candice Falzon

She whom dideth thy bad thing in thy bathroom at thy pubeth with Ruby Stareth has returned. In other words, Candice has come back from hiding. She’s hasn’t been hiding from the tanning bed though clearly. I actually quite like the dress, it’s cute and sequin-y without being a disco ball and her hair isn’t ratty stripper long. Welcome back Candy, hope the ladies is the only place we see you.

Connie Mitchell

What’s that Connie? What now? You’re coming to end of the fifteen minutes? Nah, there’s at least two or three minutes left in that old chestnut. You think you should have avoided the red tights? Yeah, maybe you’re right. And the finger gesturing like Dr. Evil is a bit odd too? Yeah, right again.

You’ve been listening to Connie Mitchell’s inner voice.

Faye Delanty

I don’t know what event Faye thought she was going to that wearing an in-side out football on her head would be appropriate. And it’s incredibly disappointing because the rest of the outfit is quite cute. I love the red coat, simple hair and makeup are all good, but the hat, if you can call it that, is dinner theatre, Better Homes and Gardens weekend project, not cool, edgy hip.

Jade Macrae

Jade is another one of those people who I don’t think really gets fashion. I think she thinks she gets it, but deep down, she is someone I see paralysed by her wardrobe and flicking to page 23 of Shop Till You Drop for the latest trend. Never understand her own special trend. The devil’s in the details and Jade, maybe should have gone a size smaller with this dress. It’s a hot clingy winter sexy va-va-voom but you’ve ended up with snuggle by the fire, throw on over jeans and rush to get a DVD.

Laura Csortan

While I’m not normally a fan of animal print, I give Laura a big pass because she’s at the RSPCA’s gala ball and here’s a way to show support (it might freak the animals out a little). Still, how long does she look! Amazing! If I didn’t know Laura better, I’d check for a step ladder under her dress. And as Ben, my friendly male correspondent has alerted me, guys look at the cleavage; and well Laura, she’s representing tonight!

Laura Weston

See Laura’s dress is a little similar to the lovely poppet from the Audrey’s above and sure, you could say in theory it should work. But Laura, has done the opposite of good things. The excessive cleavage, when there’s already plenty of leg! The balloon skirt that fattens not flatters. And the streaky orange legs with shoes that are quite odd (did she wrap white sports tape around the toes?) all equal fail.

Ricki-Lee

Free from the what appears to be most missed opportunity of reality TV bitchy heaven with the Young Divas (come on, don’t tell me Behind the Divas, wouldn’t have been solid GOLD!) Ricki Lee seems to have decided to lessen the diva within. No mutton as lamb dress thank god but I’m still on the fence about the Aunty June at the Formal pants and open toe combo…give me another outfit Ricki-Lee then I can truly decided. Now, if anyone can uncover the lost Ricki-Lee and Kate DeAraugo cat fit, I’d be eternally grateful!

Rachel Coleman

A cause is a cause is a cause, but then there’s paw prints on your back at a formal dinner! And no dog, but a Pound Puppy would make those clean, perfect footprints so nobodies fooled and the animals are offended. Also Rachel, not to be rude but two reasons to avoid the close-up: 1. invites inspection of the appliqué stud work – not good 2. not really you’re best angle, if you nose what I mean.

Samantha Willis

When fake tanners go bad. There is something worse than being streaky orange people, and it’s when the tan is so inconsistent and patchy, you begin to resemble an Andy Warhol piece. Also NASA called and would like their satellite dishes back – you may think their earrings.

Tali Jatali

Tali’s one of my favourite car crash fashionistas. She’s strongly reminiscent of a local Juliette Lewis – who knows what is coming next. Here Tali seems to be wearing a long-sleeve leotard, a very evident bra, a sparkly flimsy dress and Punky Brewster belt. I really don’t need to say anything. Even then model is like ‘take the damn picture man, I need to get this crazy girl off me! – I don’t get paid enough for this shit!’

Anthony Field (Blue Wiggle) and Mrs Blue Wiggle

Mrs Field is lovely looking lady and sure, it must be hard to compete with a green dinosaur who wears a kick arse hat but a good place to start would be wearing address that fits. Yes, the smock is very in right now and I won’t pretend I don’t love hiding all manner of sins beneath, but Mrs Field, I don’t have to get on a red carpet. I’m free from that pressure.

Asha Kuerten

Lovely little Asha again tries to win me over with her spunky dressing. And I’m almost won over this week…almost. Firstly Asha, the funky, cool Rihanna hairstyle is hot, kudos to the hairdresser. And I almost, almost really like the dress but you know what, almost is almost and I’ll tell you why. It’s the tights, the damn tights! They are EVERYWHERE and if common lady wears them, you should be onto the next trend. As the classic song goes: Leader of the Pack, it’s not Follower of the Pack.

Ali Mutch

Ali (who I have no idea what she does) loses the sad battle with flash photography and black lycra quality outfits. It becomes Britney-esque see through. And incredibly sorry for the awful wordplay but Ali, it’s a bit Mutch! (come on, there isn’t a small part of you that’s giggling right now?)

Anne Saunders

See originally I thought, when I first saw this outfit, that I quite liked it. However on a re-viewing, it’s a little bit of funny red. Seriously, just stare the picture for a moment and tell me the red’s not slightly orange? Also Anne’s got the completely wrong shoes on with the dress. Excellent posture though, so chiropractors approve.

Benjamin Zadig and Jerrie Readman-Lloyd

Dude, there’s being cool and then there’s being the wanker who is wearing his hoodie indoors. I mean really, come on, this is what I look like before my heating kicks in, on a cold morning. I know you’re cool director and everything but you don’t see Spielberg telling Harrison what’s next, while rocking the hoodie.

Russell Crowe & Danielle Spencer

It’s good to see that Rusty hasn’t let go of his operatic aspirations. For this coat screams Pavarotti! It’s just so odd, that there’s Rusty with his multi layers, ice-man cometh look and there’s Danni, probably freezing her bongos off in a nice little blue wrap dress. Maybe Rusty wants to share his next meat pie the Souths game with Danni, she looks like she needs it.

Elka Graham

Elka seems like a second rate Giaan Rooney is terms of media ambitions. She’s missed the proverbial boat and all the presenting slots are full now. Here she exhibits possibly why she missed that boat – no body wants to hire someone who wears their pyjama top out on the social circuit. Snuggly and cuddly it may be but it’s a pyjama top.

Erin McNaught

Is Erin’s head particularly heavy recently? Every photo I’ve seen of her it looks like she’s about to tip over! Vertical limits aside, Erin’s trying especially hard this week and I can see good things and bad. I do like the print and colours and the dress is kind of flattering so excellent step in that direction. However, it’s just a fraction to long. The dress just now gives the illusion that Erin could be hiding stilts and God knows what else under there and it’s kind of freaking me out.

Guy Sebastian

As Erin’s head tilt is becoming increasingly repetitive, so is Guy’s crossed legged, jean cuff, pointy man shoes stance. Come on Guy, you used to be one cool dude, reworking Louis Armstrong and then you let Idol stylists fool you into cuffs and it’s been down hill ever since! Find the R&B cool kid within and embrace!

Julia Belle

Actress Julia (what has anyone seen her in?) needs to go into red carpet stance school STAT! Never, ever, ever, ever, ever stand shoulder apart, front on to camera – NEVER! Not even freakin Giselle could get away with that. It’s like tempting the Gods' of widening to make you look short and stumpy and wide, when in fact, you very most likely are not. Run Julia, RUN!!!!

Jane Fleming

When will Jane Fleming’s infatuation with pale colours and crushed velvet end! It’s not like it was an infatuation that anyone shared. Did you see Charlize Theron rocking up the red carpet six months ago in green crushed velvet? No, you did not. Jane, you’ve paddled way up solo stream in your fashion choices here. Take a look around, see how no one has followed you – that should tell you something.

Kathryn Eisman

Sure, it’s cold this winter. We all got fooled by climate change and thought from now on winter would be Florida. Well it’s not, and we all learnt the hard way. However Kathryn, this does not entitle you to waltz down the red carpet like every other office girl who is layering to protect herself from the temperatures. It’s a carpet, and it’s red – respect that and dress up!

Kate Ritchie

Apparently, according to Grant Denyer mid-show, the Seven switch board was flooded with calls to tell Kate her dress was fantastic. Well, I put that down to prank calls and school holidays. Cause there is no way in hell, people actually could think this was nice. It’s as if she literally, and I mean literally, stole it from the Disney Princess on Ice collection. Can you see Ariel in this very outfit in Act 2, when she’s a human?

Paulini

OH DEAR GOD! Who has kidnapped Paulini and in her place, put a drag queen with questionable make-up skills and even more questionable fashion choices? If you have seen the real Paulini, please return her to Sony BMG where she can fulfil her obligations to the next Young Divas album – Bitch, Don’t Make Me Call Marcia Hines.

Tiffani Wood

Everyone knows my bizarre enjoyment of Tiffani – she’s just a special button. And I’m so torn every week when I see a photo of her, because I want in equal parts for it to be good, for Tiff to be glamorous and amazing and make us all sigh and say ‘good on you girl, knew you had it in you.’ But then, I want it to be horrible, to be a train wreck of colours and fabrics and make us all sigh and say ‘good on you girl, knew you had it in you.’ Which way would you go?

Due to technical difficulties (aka my computer packing up it's metaphoric bongos and deciding to not load certain key information such as the very pics I'm talking about) there will be a 24 hour delay on this week's Harsh serving. Things to look forward to include Mama Wood and then funniest photo of Paulini I think I've ever seen.

As a preview though, I'm introducing a new section. For all those aspiring starlets out there (and I know there are) I'm including the Check Your MailBox section for what's coming up this week in the way of launches, parties, events and appearances so we can all realise just how exciting the social circuit is in Australia's little corner.

Check Your Mailbox: Casio VIP Launch (yep, those nerdy watches), ARIA Hall of Fame Awards, Dr John from The Secret attempts to convert Melbournites after Sydneysiders took to bite sized life statements like Victoria Beckham to LA, RSPCA Paws for Celebration Ball (celebs with pets call your agent), Diabetes Buzz Ball (celebs with diabetes call your agent), and those two crazy kids who we'd never thought would make it this far, Becs and Lley-Lley celebrate their second wedding anniversary next Saturday night. Who wants to chip in for something?

Amy Pearson

So you’re Sony/BMG new IT girl, the new Missy Higgins singer songwriter. The push for some pointy ARIA’s on the shelf and of course, this involves attending anything and everything. So off to the Dolly formal for Amy and boy did she get this wrong. Like some sort of retarded deflated beach ball that she wrapped around herself and then of course, the mandatory black tights and open toe shoes to match. It’s all so very, very, very wrong!

Bessie Bardot

Bess got bangs! Yep, in an effort to maybe shake a nice comment from my critique tree, Bess has gone and got bangs and really, nothing much at all has changed – there will be no nice comment from me. The only nice thing I can say is this look is eerily reminiscent of a Libra Fluer tampon commercial from the mid to late eighties. I do feel like having a bike ride then a water fight with my friends in a fresh cut park. Thanks Bess.

Bronwyn Bishop

‘Oh my gawd, it’s friiightfully cold out there. I simply must put a break into the calendar for Noooosa. This winter season, just means I absolutely only get to the theatre every other week. By the by, must not forget to call James and have the car ready to collect me at the end of the engagement, if I had to spend more than a few minutes talking to that awwwful Erin McNaught girl, I will simply diiiiiie.’

Chris Taylor and his ladyfriend (yes, do you have problem with!)

Okay, firstly, let’s just say, I’m not usually at the front of bandwagon’s – in fact, I’ll be honest, I’m usually like everyone else and jumping on mid to end of the trend bandwagon. Well, I here to say, I was up the front of the bandwagon for The Chaser boys. I wasn’t driving it, but I would definitely say I was pretty far up the front! Anyway, bandwagon’s aside – meet my favourite Chaser boy. Everyone has one. Many people I know love Chaz, but no, I’m out there for Chris. I especially like his earlier support for Woolworths/Safeway team in the upcoming supermarket showdown. The green shirt puts Chris smack into the Woolies team – that’s it Chris, make a stand.

Danielle Foote & Krystal Forscutt

Well, it’s really what you’d expect from these two isn’t it. I can’t really say that cheap tacky dressing shocks me. I knew the Krystal amazing classy dress wouldn’t survive. I am a little surprised Danielle wore her painting smock out but hey, these kids and the fashion these days. Krystal, just a word – you may be verging drag queen-esque with the make-up, maybe honey, you want to tone that down.

Fuzzy

I think something happens when you have a fro – especially in Australia. You become cool. You just get a cool factor up of ten, simply by having fuzzy hair that defies gravity. Like in the beginning, Guy Sebastian for a mili-second was cool. Fuzzy here demonstrates how much a fro can override bad things. The dress itself, is not so bad, but it’s the heavy black overload vertical reducing tights, black shoes ending that disappoints. What could have been so much more, is only average with a cool hairstyle.

Joel Edgerton

Joel was, from a faint memory, hot, once upon a time. However that time seems to have long since passed. Here, he demonstrates why he’s attending the Ray Ban anniversary party. Ray Ban have obviously been good to Joel in hiding those rimmed eyes. Seriously though Joel, last time we saw eyes that red, Matt Newton was about to blow a gasket and spiral down. There’s suitable enough warning.

Jade Macrae

Jade exhibits the latest in funeral wear fashion for Little House on Prairie. Painful clog shoes not included.

Paulini

WOW Paulini, like seriously WOW! No hang on, not good wow, slow down, stop celebrating, it’s not a good wow. It’s just answered my question, that the diva stress of dealing with Ricki-Lee was not impairing your fashion choice whilst in Young Divas. Clearly it’s something far deeper than that.

Sam Brett

Oh the joy of my life, the joy of my days. Sam Brett, who is no longer allowed to be in the city – she must now be Ask Sam, and then people may actually realise what that is and may want to stop. Still my joy is complete because Sam Brett is wearing the exact same dress as only two weeks ago. I know Ask Sam – do you think that means like your dress sense, you’re ideas are recycled? Do you?

Teigan Nash

Okay, firstly in this girl’s defense, she is specifically hired by Supre. It’s not like she’s just got up that morning and felt overcome by Supre love. Still, I do believe, that when designers, fashion houses etc ask people to wear their clothing, it’s usually to entice new shoppers to their line. Usually, it’s something envy worthy, something ten other designer rip off the next day. I think people may avoid Teigan’s Mardi Gras costume.

Live Earth Concerts

While I’m all cool for raising awareness for environment - very worthy cause, very important cause. I do believe we are now over-concerting any cause. Seriously, we can’t be far off having a concert for the anniversary of the death of Molly on A Country Practice.

My main problem is we get a bunch of super cool, ultra hip people with their statement t-shirts and their save our earth signs and peace fingers and Supre, Dotti and Glassons make $100 off teeny boppers looking for statements t-shirts.


















And they turn up in their droves, and they all sing loudly and they chant and they pledge peace, love and energy reduction and then this happens. Save that environment kids!