The Harsh Light of Day

Blame Sydney and their need to have severe storms that temporarily ground planes meaning completely revised departure times! Sydney has a lot to answer for.

Heidi Klum

In a sea of red, and I mean a sea! (you’d think some stylists would whisper in people’s ears – ‘wear purple this year, trust me, stay away from RED!) – anyway, the sea of red, saw Heidi emerge victorious. Sure, she’s Heidi Klum and that already helps, but still, the theatre of this dress, the grandeur, the statement. It’s very Oscars, the one place where statement dressing is really allowed.

Isabella Miko

In many, many, many, many secondary events, held for people who will never be good enough to crack an invite Isabella confused me greatly. Did she just come from a seafood restaurant and leave her Lobster themed napkin on her dress? Or is that really a design pattern?

Jennifer Garner

I love Jen, I mean love her. She’s just so lovely, polite without being a suck, always doing the good mum things with little Violet (park, library, food market), so I’m loathe to criticize but I have to. Jen, you’ve got the assets, you’ve got an excellent figure on which to dress, and you can carry a few colours. Why, oh why, are you dressing like you’re attending a very glamorous wake?

Jessica Alba

The Alba-nator. Either very beautiful in her plum dress or stuffing an ostrich down her cleavage – your choice?

Jodi Lyn O’Keefe

There was like five minutes in 99 when Jodi Lyn was hot. She participated in She’s All That, another teen rom com was on the way, and fame beckoned. A wrong turn and some bad decisions and she was starring in Out For Blood as a vampire named Layla. Here Jodi demonstrates why the side bun isn’t really making a comeback, you just end up looking stupid and with probably the worst hair headache ever!

Julie Christie

I know it was cold in LA on Oscar day, I get that. I don’t get the need for pink, thumbless (oh yes, look closely) long gloves. And if it was so cold that gloves were required, why the bare legs? So many questions.

Keri Russell

Keri’s another working mum who I think is delightful and whenever I see pap shots of her, I think you look lovely and happy with the bub. However, here Keri reminds me of myself at the Year 11 formal. I’d been sick all week, hadn’t eaten a thing but was determined to attend. It was a bad/good godsend because I’d lost at least five kilos and in the photos my shoulder blades could cut glass. Much like Keri. Sadly, that’s where Keri and I finish in our similarities. Probably not so sad for Keri.

Kristin Chenoweth

The other colour of the night, next to red, was black. Black, black, and more black. And yes, black is the new black, but come on people, live a little. Kristin however is one of the more hotter black dressed beauties. She completely plays to her assets, a tiny waist and generous ladies. Well played.

Laura Linney

From the best black to the worst black. Oh my god this is the fashion equivalent of StillNox, I’m already getting sleepy.

Marion Cotillard

Yes, I know it’s very Ariel, A Little Mermaid, but people, it’s not black, it’s not red, it’s unique and she’s French. That excuses a whole lot of shit. Seriously, drop an ‘oui, monsieur’ and people suddenly feel compelled to sit straighter and call your fashion choices daring and experimental as opposed to lazy and clearly hasn’t done her washing.

Melora Hardin

This is what happens when BeDazzler’s malfunction.

Miley Cyrus

Little billionaress Miley (yes, her projected earnings are now in billions – my life at 15 was a little different). She looks the right cross of adult/child attending grown up award show. Don’t want to sex up and piss of the conservative mummies who pay for Lily-Sue’s concert tickets, bedspreads and every single DVD of Miley ever created.

Nancy O’Dell

Oh God Lord Nancy! If Renee Zellweger is having trouble convincing me a split is a good thing, then I think maybe mere mortals shouldn’t attempt it. Also, the cleavage is incredibly ice dancing and not Oscars red carpet. I know you’re generally behind the camera, but the stars do have to look at you, pay them some respect.

Penelope Cruz

Penny is an Oscar’s dresser. She just comes prepared for a red carpet glam off. Sure, the dresses are big, bouffy and nothing you’d ever wear to the shops – but it’s not supposed to be that way. She also gets all my points because that hair style is so HOT! Imagine her and Javier – wholly lord!

Renee Zellweger

In my house we have long discussions re: Renee. I just can’t imagine hanging out with her. There doesn’t seem to be an inch of warmth there. And she just looks so pinched all the time, seriously squeezed and uncomfortable. Right down to her eyeballs, squished into her face. The dress gives the same feeling, sure it’s sparkly and glamour but you can imagine her entire body squished in. Ooch!

Rosamund Pike

If I were creating a movie were (inexplicably) the Jetson’s were attending a red carpet event, this is what I would have Jane Jetson wear.

Javier Bardem

And finally, Part 2 of men you didn’t realise were this hot, Javier Bardem. There’s just something so manly and Spanish about him. And not to be crass but, check out the size of his shoes ladies...you know what they say.

I will now go to bed, with the thought Javier is picturing me when looking at his Oscar.

See you Sunday for the cricket awards coverage and trust me ,there are some corkers.

Part 1 today, Part 2 tomorrow - got keep you interested!

Adrienne Frantz

Hey wait a sec, isn’t this the Oscar’s? You know, the height of heights, the hardest invite to score this side of a Jolie-Pitt playdate? What the hell is Amber from Bold & The Beautiful doing there? Sure, she looks super glam and very red carpet attention seeking, but I just can’t get past the fact that a Forrester has finally made it to the red carpet. Do you think it’s a Ridge Forrester original?

Amy Adams

Amy was one of the few brave ones who risked a colour and boy, am I glad she did. The green is so very flattering to her pale complexion. The cut and style are perfectly Oscars.

Amy Ryan

You know, everyone just played it a little safe on the red carpet this time. And Amy, you are Captain of the Safe Team with the boring navy. Come on, you’re nominated in Best Actress and yeah, you’re up against some heavyweights but maybe put up a bit of a fight.

Anne Hathaway

I feel dear Anne has forever felt the pressure of high fashion since starring in Devil Wears Prada. She’s felt required to be the after shot and it sometimes doesn’t work. While the colour is very sumptuous, the cut and hydrangeas she dragged along with it – not so much.

Calista Flockhart

I couldn’t decide if I liked Calista’s dress or not and what tipped me over was above neck action. It seems that she got half way through cleansing and just stopped, no foundation, no powder to prevent shine, hair pulled back in a butterfly clip. Just flat out stopped!

Cameron Diaz

Sure, Cameron’s the good time girl and she always brings something a little unique but this outfit totally feels like last year Part 2. In fact, I’m not entirely unsure, she didn’t wash her white dress with something red and hey presto, recycle.

Courtney Love

You really can’t tell what you’ll get with C-Love, so in a way, this is not bad – it could be a whole lot worse. Sure, the fringe is very questionable and who knows what’s been ingested pre-carpet but she’s standing, she’s alive and looking at a camera.

Josh Brolin & Diane Lane

I consider Josh Brolin to be part of the two men No Country for Old Men revelation. Men you never knew were quite that hot! See also: Javier Bardem. And Diane, you don’t look too bad at all in the brown.

Eva Herzigova

Do you think Eva saw Heidi Klum’s consistent invitations to every award and wanted in on it? Well Eva, you’ll have to do better than excess yellow tissue paper dress you’ve got going on here. Really, florists should never design dresses.

Eva Orner

Eva, we know not who you are
Well before yesterday anyway
You looked amazing, very pretty
Don’t start working with Michael Bay

George Clooney & Sarah Larson

Really? Seriously, really? Sarah, um, have you actually looked at who you’re standing next to? Yep, that’s George Clooney. THE George Clooney, dude who runs around Lake Como and who everyone in Hollywood wants to bed – men and women. So honey, to be on his arm, a bedspread ain’t going to be enough. You’ve got a whole lot more to work on.

A small post today, as tomorrow the Monster Oscar post will probably kill me! Get ready people, it’s the big one and there’s so MANY people, who get it SO wrong. Check in Tuesday morning for full comprehensive coverage!

Amelia Pain

I don’t want to be obvious, because that will be frankly, well a bit lazy. But it’s too easy to associate Amelia’s surname with the feeling I get when looking at this outfit. Pain - hah! Also, Amelia, as a Ralph girl, I would assume it would be part of your contract to wearing a more busty revealing dress.

Charlie Brown & Jennifer Hawkins

I just don’t quite understand what’s happening with Jennifer. This floaty dress is probably quite nice but I just don’t see Jennifer in it – except obviously I do because I’m looking at it. It’s just something I’d expected Nicole or Cate to wear, it’s very Queen of the Fairies as opposed to Queen of the Catwalk. Still, this is very much a personal choice from my taste wardrobe.

Deni Hines

Deni continues to jump between midlife Ezibuy Shopper Catalogue dressing and Mum’s wardrobe raiding dressing. Also, why does Deni always struggle to pull an appropriate and normal face on the carpet? She looks like a first day kindergarten attendee.

Jordan Loukas

I need someone to explain why Jordan is famous? As far as I understand it, she’s famous for being an annoying foul mouthed wannabe model who didn’t win on Australia’s Next Top Model. Well, visit Frankston on Saturday night people, there’s plenty of foul mother wannabe models who don’t win anything.

Melissa Doyle

Not Mel’s finest hour really. I’m not going to say Melly’s added a few kilos, but she enjoyed the summer break, and that’s fine – so did I, I think we all should. However, maybe the strapless dress isn’t ready yet? Maybe just do a few more Naomi Robson newsreader yoga classes and then get back to me.

Sarita Stella

Memo
To: Sarita Stella
From: Ralph magazine
Re: Invitation to Ralph party

You are attending a Ralph magazine party, the dress code will be D cups on plentiful display, a very short hemline and piles of flowing hair with a special added tantastic glow.

Memo
To: Sarita Stella
From: Ralph magazine
Re: last night’s party

You were awesome, so were your ladies. See you next year!

Just a pre-warning, this year, due to possible challenges in time management (mine completely) the updating might not be every week. Of course, I aim for that, but I don't want to say absolutely every week it will happen - why not sign up for the email to let you know when it's posted, save the checking back hassle? Fear not, I will absolutely be around for the big ones, Logies, Spring Racing, ARIA's etc and also Oscar coverage next week (YAY!).

Annalise Braakensiek

Anna...lise! It’s been a while and look at you, you look smashing! Red is working for you and the black shoes while a touch shiny are very glam. I know we’ve seen the black version of this dress on all and sundry but this red makes me forget all that, and I say welcome to 2008 Annalise.

Gracie Otto

Look at this – out of the arm slouch presence of boyfriend Matt Newton, Gracie can smile! Gracie can stand! Gracie is free! Gracie maybe wants to fix her dress – it just looks like it doesn’t fit her and before you all scream at me, I know it does, but it looks like it doesn’t okay! Also, what does Gracie do? I’m not trying to be sarcastic, I’m actually curious, does Gracie act, sing, dance and if any of these are applicable then maybe she could do some more.

Laura Csortan

Laura seems to be wearing the latest from the Amish line. Or at least the local Byron Bay Hemp Formal Wear Winter 08 collection. Sure, probably very good for the environment but not so good for your red carpet credentials.

Megan Gale

If only shopping was this formal and fun, I’d be there faster than something very fast. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an escalator look so good by merely having a glam girl ride it.

Oh Meggie G, don’t cry - I know you'll miss me. Really, I don’t think this is the end for you, I think you’ve more than endeared yourself to Australian hearts. You’ve done some excellent walking, some excellent racing attending and some excellent boyfriend selecting – seriously, you’re living proof that the funny guys are better than the hotties – not that Andy’s anything to sneeze at.
So good luck Meggie G, please keep attending red carpets, and bring your boyf and his third wheel, I know many people like them too. Miss you already – call me later, we’ll catch up for a coffee.

Rose Byrne

Gosh Rose is just a fresh faced beauty. Seriously, I hope Estee Lauder has signed her because she’s so fresh, no other word for it. I also quite like the simple the dress and wouldn’t you believe it, don’t hate the belt. The cardy is a little daggy but it does look a bit chilly in Harbour Town, so I’ll let that pass.

Samantha Brett

See, Sam, you’ve really screwed this up. I was this year, planning to be open minded and maybe give you a break but then you turn up like this? And the problem is that dress could have been nice, if maybe it had a smidge more length in it, and wasn’t paired with shoes stolen from the Gentlemen’s Galley dancers room.

And clearly Sam, doesn’t believe in letting go of a theme. Last year it was the over puffed red dress, this year, clearly it’s going to be lace. Lace on everything. Lace will free the world.

Tali Jatali & Samantha Wills

I’ve always had a fascination with Tali here at Harsh. She’s Australia’s answer to Juliette Lewis, bizarrely photographed and famous for not much at all. At least Juliette’s dated Brad – Tali just seems to excel in taking the most inappropriate red carpet photos. I’m not sure if there was a massive and sudden chair shortage wherever Sam and Tali were, but one would think standing politely instead of using your friend as a sofa would have been the way to go. Who knows what Tali was thinking?

Tara Moss

Still walking the line of bizarre male fantasy’s, Tara’s male fans can now tick saucy librarian off their lists. I’m all for glasses, in fact, correct eyewear is very important (so I’m learning) but Tara’s seem more stage showing, more prop than necessary – ‘look, I’m a famous SMART author, I write things that are fastened into a book, so take that lowly actors.’

Tiffani Wood

Well, Tiff’s year hasn’t started off well. Poor lovie is apparently having trouble at home, and that’s no good, but there’s no need for those nasty tabloid’s to be accusing her of invitation-itis (a disease were one accepts invitations to all things going, see envelope opening). A handbag store opening with the chance of a free bag, would drag the most reluctant woman away from the homestead. Still, Tiff next time such an opportunity drags you out – can we maybe brush the hair a smidge more, and maybe less beach cafe wear. Sure it’s summer, but it’s evening, and a telephoto-lense is there, game on time.

Brian McFadden

The McFadden makes it ultra clear who is his lady is – a very Wizard of Oz, Big Brother is always watching kind of way. Also, whilst Delta’s highlights are good, Brian my lad, not for you. It’s too much. As is the Year 9 art project which is your t-shirt. Also remember what they say about horizontal stripes – bad stuff.

Catriona Rowntree

Cat’s looks hot here, the cocktail dress, the glam hair, it’s working, which leave me flabbergasted as to why she’s standing in the street. And before you email, I know, I know, she’s at the UnderBelly launch but they couldn’t afford a red carpet? I’m sure the gangsters the show is portraying could pay for a red carpet.

Edward Scissorshands Ballet

Alright, this isn’t exactly fashion but more a question of how exactly this will work?? I mean, one slip and its curtains for the poor lassie. Or one miss timed jump and the front row will be part of the CSI live stage show.

Hilary Duff

The Duff-ster’s back in town and I’m happy to say looking very age appropriate yet cool, hip and happy with herself. Once embroiled in the Brothers Madden and Nicole Richie triangle, she’s looking better and better and hats off to the girl, who doesn’t sell the break up story. Continue on the slim-line fierce Duff-ster and maybe an inspiration teen movie or two.

Kirsty Allan

I’m not sure who Kirsty Allan is, but I’m sure Zoo Weekly will be onto first thing tomorrow morning. Sure Kirsty, there’s attention grabbing outfits, but this is attention groping. Really, do you really want to be this girl? The girl whose breasts enter a room a full five minutes before she does.

Lizzy Lovette

If Lizzy is hosting a wedding tea party for a Southern Belle then she definitely looks the part and the bride will be thrilled. If she is doing something else, like perhaps launching the older, wiser, cooler Duff-ster’s perfume range then maybe Lizzy misjudged the event. Less Peaches’n’Cream more adult sass.

Melanie Greensmith

Holy Jesus! This just inexcusable. Unless, she’s had the most awful, terrible break of all time, come out drunk on cocktails and no food and just FORGOT her pants and under top and even then, where are her friends? The alternative is the snapper mistook her for a guest, when in fact she is walking around the corner to the Buck’s party for some adult ‘entertainment.’

Paul O’Brien

Paul O’Brien’s been hanging around my radar for a year or so now. I secretly have a crush on Constable Jack and I was terrible upset when he married the whinging nurse Sam, and not true love Martha on Home and Away. However, whenever Paul turns up on the red carpet, despite all my hopes for him, he just has the air of try hard. The glasses so ‘casually’ placed, the vest, the sleeves rolled up look. It just screams stylist! When in fact, he’d probably do better being himself, and the boy next door look.

Shane Jenek

For those who wonder who Shane is ...this my friends is the alter-ego of one Courtney Act. Yep, this is that woman! I know, I’m kind of bizarrely attracted to him, he’s really quite hot. I could totally see him in a guest spot on All Saints or some other needy Australian drama. Can’t you? And Shane looks good in the suit too. It’s totally freaking me out!

Shelley Craft

Shelley’s ditched the network and moved to Nine and in turn has also ditched all that heavy travel reporter hair (see Natalie G). And she looks all the more better for it, fresh, youthful and happy to have a chance at new places. The orange also doesn’t overwhelm her and I’m loving the new Shelley.

Carla Maguire

How HAPPY does Carla look to be back in Melbourne? And we’re happy to have her back too. Even Eddie. Melbourne seems to understand him better. So Maguires welcome back – we expect to see Carla looking lovely and Eddie smiling proudly more often.