Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Reality on mass
Anna – Big Brother
I feel sorry for the poor Zebra that must have been tragically killed to make this …I can’t even explain what it is...picnic rug? Anna’s breasts are also crying out in the protest at being so poorly mistreated. The awfully fitting kaleidoscope sack with the attempt to look oh so sexy by exposing the black bra, just makes Anna look as she seems – desperate for the 15 mins to last longer.
Chris Bath
I am now a firm believer that newsreaders can’t dress well to save themselves. I can kind of see why up close Chris may have thought this was a nice dress but from a distance, it looks like a scene from Aliens, where the monster eats its way out of her stomach! And is it me or are court shoes making some inexplicable come back? Even in the eighties they were bad – let’s all say no to court shoes shall we.
Guy Sebastian & Jules
‘It’s the Power of Love!’ Sorry, for a while there I thought we were back in the 80’s and Guy was Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. Seriously though, those are some ugly shoes. I know, I know, its street wear funky but come on – imagine walking into Safeway to get a loaf of bread in those. And speaking of shoes of ugliness, Jules ankle boots are also horrible beyond words and the outfit’s not helped in anyway by the suspenders. Are your pants really in that much danger of falling down and if so, why not get them altered?
Justine Clarke
I’ll say it right now, I love Justine Clarke. I do. She’s a brilliant actress, the toys really respect her on playschool and she just seems nice. But come on, you can’t dress like a fifty year old librarian who’s finally been asked by three time divorcee seventy year old Albert to Bingo. It’s just wrong!
Kate Hudson
See people - that’s how it’s done. Jennifer Aniston in your boring visit Australia black, this is how to make a promo tour count. Wear a sensational dress, realise the need for minimal accessories, have it a be a perfect length, subtle hair that shows off the sun kissed LA glow. Everyone loves Kate and this kind of performance does her no harm – now if she would only cut that damn child’s hair I’d be happy.
Kirrily Johnston
How do you solve a problem like Maria? When you dress like a Von Trapp Kirrily people are going to sing at you. I understand that this is Sofia Coppala cool, and yes I can almost nod to its artsy vibe but that’s not what I’m about here. The wannabe cool in me wants to like it, wants to say ‘oh she’s so now’ but the Dorky McDork just knows the inner voice in my head is mocking and say ‘why dress like a nun in training.’
Christie – Big Brother
Another BB contestant, another foul dress. This is that scarf that people tie around their heads when cruising through Venice in boat to keep their hair down. It’s not a dress to be tied up with string - literally, I think she got the old string ball out and wrapped it around herself a few times for good measure. Also what would a reality contestant be without a deep plunging neckline!
Lara Bingle
Look, as much as her non-fame fame issues annoy the hell out of me – I have to say (through gritted teeth) Lara looks really nice. The white shirt/white pants with silver belt make her look fresh and make me think that Spring is coming. Because it’s me and I’m nasty like that – there are a few things that bother me, the pants should have been altered for length. Alternatively and probably more importantly, she should have worn better shoes with a bigger heel. I know this ice skating stuff has probably screwed you up physically but if you’re going to take on the red carpet, then you gotta bring it. Injuries or not.
Ricki-Lee
It’s a recurring nightmare, this girl and her fashion sense. She has a fantastic voice and was clearly robbed on AI2 but seriously, how hard is it to dress for you size? Clearly one of her friends must hate her because when Ricki stands there and says ‘Do I look okay in this?’, she blindly nods along. The top isn’t a winner to start with but ruffles in the front make her boobs look huge and not in a good way. It widens her across the midriff and the shorts then cut her off to make it just a block of torso.
Sonia
You know what – I’m honest enough to admit it and I’ll give out awards when awards are due. Sonia, rise gently and carefully (we don’t want another Logies) and come and receive your well dressed award. This elegant black dress with softly pulled back hair is a good thing for you. People may say black is so boring but there’s a reason it’s a classic and you don’t want to spend all your colour points at a small function when big and more press hungry carpets await you.
Tali
We’ve had Tali here before at HLOD and like then, there is now, no explanation for either her (career? Full name? brain?) or her dress. I can tell you this was not a theme party, nor was it a dress in crap clothing party, nor was it a jumble sale from your own wardrobe. Yes, that’s right Tali voluntarily chose to dress like she had an epileptic fit in a Salvation Army clothing store. Also on a side note – does no one realise that once you’re on the red carpet area for photos you can take your credentials off? Or at least hand them to your posse while you pose.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Friday Bacon
On the Menu: Miss Universe Competition, LA
Bacon Degree: Because only three years ago no one cared about this pageant in Australia and then came a lovely little lady named Jennifer.
Miss Bulgaria & Miss Latvia
You’d be forgiven for thinking these two ladies were heading to Miss Universe Adults Only. They look like Mariah Carey and Paris Hilton before a night on the town and that’s not a fantastic celebrity duo to emulate. My favourite from the two of them is the most revolting pair of red satin shoes EVER worn by Miss Latvia. European fashion rears its ugly head.
Miss El Salvador
You just know that all the other contestants hate Miss El Sal. She just screams ‘I’m the Most Popular Girl in School and I Make Nasty Jokes About You Behind Your Back While Pretending to be Your Friend.’ I do like her cute little outfit and she’s got the teapot pose down pat but there’s just that X-factor and not in a good way, more a Daniel McPherson horrible television way.
Miss Estonia
I’m think she may be a top ten contender. Fresh faced, virginal in white and not rakishly thin, Miss E is hitting all the right notes here. Her demure pony tail, her sweet gold hoop earrings – it’s the perfect statement to make to the judges ‘I will not be caught in a sex scandal’.
Miss Egypt
Wowee is this a special number. More normally seen at Boutique nightclub than in a beauty pageant, I get the feeling that Miss Egypt may be sorely regretting her choice. Looking at the other, more clothed contestants, she’s probably thinking to herself ‘DAMN IT – that’s the last time I listen to my brother’s advice on what he thinks is sexy.’
Miss Germany
The fantastic fashion from the European nations makes you wonder how Versace, Dolce & Gabbana and Yves Saint Laurent ever found their way through the muck. Nothing says grace, elegance and beauty that Miss Universe requires like a cleavage key hole with fake jewels that were most likely glue gunned on. Expect to see this outfit on next year's Eurovision host.
Miss Lebanon & Miss France
Do you think Miss Lebanon is the social pariah of the entire event? Everyone’s steering right well clear of her in case some journalists ask them what they actually think of the international crisis. However points to Miss France for not only sitting with her, but sitting near food! I do however have to remove all Miss France’s social points for wearing footless stockings, sunglasses at night and satin with denim. International diplomacy can’t protect you from bad fashion.
Miss Norway & Miss Mauritious(sic)
The Prom Queen and her MILF mother? Apparently not but you’d want to check and be sure. Miss Norway has ruined a perfectly tasteful outfit with a black head band and matching purse? I’m all okay with accessories matching, in fact it helps if they do but not when they completely screw up the other colour. Still my favourite contestant is Miss Maurit. I don’t want to be rude (sure!) but someone needs to ID check her? Also that denim skirt was in the bargain bin at Target last week and even then people were steering clear.
Miss USA
There’s a reason pageant history runs deep in the States – it’s cause they’re good at it. And here is another stellar entry. A sweet, gorgeous not trumped up like a turkey girl in a wholesome yet sexy outfit. I love her top and her bangles and while they don’t necessarily matching together – it’s not a huge drama. Of course she will go far (as if they'd boot the host nation out in the first rounds!) but good luck to her I say.
Miss Australia
Hello? Erin where are you? In her first faulty performance - a 151 press event photos taken there was no Miss Australia to be found! Probably stuck with Jennifer, who was reliving her glory days, starting every sentence ‘When I was Miss Universe’. Erin get yourself primped, preened and in front of a camera – we know you like them, the boys at Zoo Weekly told us so.
Bacon Degree: Because only three years ago no one cared about this pageant in Australia and then came a lovely little lady named Jennifer.
Miss Bulgaria & Miss Latvia
You’d be forgiven for thinking these two ladies were heading to Miss Universe Adults Only. They look like Mariah Carey and Paris Hilton before a night on the town and that’s not a fantastic celebrity duo to emulate. My favourite from the two of them is the most revolting pair of red satin shoes EVER worn by Miss Latvia. European fashion rears its ugly head.
Miss El Salvador
You just know that all the other contestants hate Miss El Sal. She just screams ‘I’m the Most Popular Girl in School and I Make Nasty Jokes About You Behind Your Back While Pretending to be Your Friend.’ I do like her cute little outfit and she’s got the teapot pose down pat but there’s just that X-factor and not in a good way, more a Daniel McPherson horrible television way.
Miss Estonia
I’m think she may be a top ten contender. Fresh faced, virginal in white and not rakishly thin, Miss E is hitting all the right notes here. Her demure pony tail, her sweet gold hoop earrings – it’s the perfect statement to make to the judges ‘I will not be caught in a sex scandal’.
Miss Egypt
Wowee is this a special number. More normally seen at Boutique nightclub than in a beauty pageant, I get the feeling that Miss Egypt may be sorely regretting her choice. Looking at the other, more clothed contestants, she’s probably thinking to herself ‘DAMN IT – that’s the last time I listen to my brother’s advice on what he thinks is sexy.’
Miss Germany
The fantastic fashion from the European nations makes you wonder how Versace, Dolce & Gabbana and Yves Saint Laurent ever found their way through the muck. Nothing says grace, elegance and beauty that Miss Universe requires like a cleavage key hole with fake jewels that were most likely glue gunned on. Expect to see this outfit on next year's Eurovision host.
Miss Lebanon & Miss France
Do you think Miss Lebanon is the social pariah of the entire event? Everyone’s steering right well clear of her in case some journalists ask them what they actually think of the international crisis. However points to Miss France for not only sitting with her, but sitting near food! I do however have to remove all Miss France’s social points for wearing footless stockings, sunglasses at night and satin with denim. International diplomacy can’t protect you from bad fashion.
Miss Norway & Miss Mauritious(sic)
The Prom Queen and her MILF mother? Apparently not but you’d want to check and be sure. Miss Norway has ruined a perfectly tasteful outfit with a black head band and matching purse? I’m all okay with accessories matching, in fact it helps if they do but not when they completely screw up the other colour. Still my favourite contestant is Miss Maurit. I don’t want to be rude (sure!) but someone needs to ID check her? Also that denim skirt was in the bargain bin at Target last week and even then people were steering clear.
Miss USA
There’s a reason pageant history runs deep in the States – it’s cause they’re good at it. And here is another stellar entry. A sweet, gorgeous not trumped up like a turkey girl in a wholesome yet sexy outfit. I love her top and her bangles and while they don’t necessarily matching together – it’s not a huge drama. Of course she will go far (as if they'd boot the host nation out in the first rounds!) but good luck to her I say.
Miss Australia
Hello? Erin where are you? In her first faulty performance - a 151 press event photos taken there was no Miss Australia to be found! Probably stuck with Jennifer, who was reliving her glory days, starting every sentence ‘When I was Miss Universe’. Erin get yourself primped, preened and in front of a camera – we know you like them, the boys at Zoo Weekly told us so.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
When newsreaders go bad and International Aussies reign supreme
Ann Saunders
This is what always happens when newsreaders are allowed from behind the desk. They have this yearning desire to show us all how sexy they are, how hot and smoking they are, and usually it means someone gets hurt. Here Ann’s breasts are the innocent victims – squashed into her cleavage like Karl Stefanovic is squeezing himself into rainbow print outfits on that ice skating show. The dress and the pearls and hair are all very acceptable but on behalf of your breasts Ann, I’m asking you to go and change.
Cate Blanchett
It’s been such a slow week in Australia, I had to go continent hopping in search of Aussie celebs. Cate’s at the UK premiere of Little Fish, and again Cate is in a league of her own. A simple cinched black top, with plain pants and hot black peep toes – its Cate doing her ‘I’m so impossibly chic and fabulous that you’ll never ever be as good as me and I’m not even trying’ thing. My love of Cate also extends to a sharing of pale skin – however she looks ethereal and magical, I look pasty and blotchy. I guess that’s why you pay through the nose for SK II?
Hugh Jackman
Oh Hugh, how do you do that thing you do? Isn’t he just manly X-Men man-ness with vulnerable show tunes sweet heart. He also manages to cut a fine line in this grey pin strip lounge suit. He is there to support wife Deb but you just know the publicist for that little film pretty much moved heaven and earth to get Hugh there. And her efforts clearly paid off!
Jane Fleming
STOP THE MADNESS JANE! I can barely understand one wearing of a truly horrible drag queen with great legs crushed velvet dress but when Jane wears the same dress, slightly different neck and colour line, in the space of two weeks I am at loss? Anorexia inducing velvet was never, ever cool and from Jane’s embracing of it, you’d think we were in the midst summer 05/06 short invasion.
Jennifer Hawkins
Truly impractical underwear and bra set that no one will ever wear aside, what is going on here? She is the ultimate girl next door, the Alison Brahe of the 2000’s and she looks like an extra from Barbarella meets A Street Car Named Desire meets Rocky Horror Picture Show. This overcoat of tule death should be burned immediately but I fear the fire may engulf the entire eastern seaboard of Australia. And her hairdo, oh Jen the hairdo! Sarah I-make-My-Own-Money-O’Hare-but-just-for-the-future-I’ll-take-his-name-Murdoch worked so well as the Bonds spokesperson because she was herself – not some gussied up trampy alter ego.
Maria Venetti(something like that anyway)
Okay Maria, you know what, we all get it. You’ve got big boobs, oh my god, they are hanging out of your dress, that’s so shocking. This ugly as sin dress has been done so many times before that joke is just plain old and tarty, much like the person attempting to rerun the joke. It’s funny and ironic once maybe twice but when you aim to shock people – it has to be actually shocking as opposed to boring.
Juliette Lewis & Martin Henderson
I have no explanation as to why Juliette Lewis is with Martin Henderson. She’s not part of Little Fish as far as I know (she may have catered for the cast and crew but she’s not part of the team) and I don’t believe they’re dating but who knows? Still it’s never good form Juliette to bring a beer car to press photo call, call Tara Reid, she can tell you where that behaviour leads. And Martin, you look fine and stylish right up to your neck then it takes on this whole hobo homeless motif and I’m sorry but I can’t get behind that. I miss my clean cut Marty Henderson from Ten’s long forgotten but so good it’s bad Sweat – remember that Marty, you probably had to shave a bit? Please watch those tapes again and let your face relive the glory days.
Tracy Grimshaw
This is bad on so many, many, many levels. Firstly, velvet as we’ve learned repeatedly from Jane Fleming is a truly difficult fabric to wear, not for the faint hearted. This roll neck but I need to keep the tops of my shoulder cool top is truly ghastly. Then to further propel it into awfulness, Trace’s gone the full length layered skirt with Speeds court shoes. It’s like Mrs Grimshaw is heading to the School dinner dance in 1989.
If I were on a ACA right now it would something like this ‘Imagine wearing the worst outfit IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD that meant your neighbours from HELL who started WORLD WAR THREE and the dodgy chippie who stole EVERYTHING took pity on you. Stay tuned for this truly SHOCKING story,’
Friday, July 14, 2006
Friday Bacon
On the Menu: ESPY Awards LA
Bacon Degree: The American Brownlow – inappropriately dressed sporting stars and their skanky partners.
I know, I’m breaking all my Friday rules – but these were just too good to pass up. And I’m feeling particularly bitchy today.
Cheryl Flutie (with hubbie Doug)
Apparently Doug is a big time ex-footballer in the US – still that doesn’t excuse his wife and her behaviour. Firstly, it looks like she feel into a giant vat of fake tan – much like the Joker in Batman. Seriously, do people not realise everyone knows about fake tanning salons now, that we are all just gulliblely going to believe you are naturally that colour? Sure! Secondly, my sister’s doing teaching rounds at the moment and working with Grade 2. This dress is what they made when instructed to decorate the classroom like the sea. I keep humming to myself, Under the Sea. Damn Disney addictive musicals!
Christine Taylor
I adore this dress, it’s a stunning colour, shape, length – everything is perfect. It’s so perfectly spring and I want to steal it and wear it to Spring Racing but too late. My problem is and I think it always will be, she looks tiny!! Not healthy busy mum tiny either – it’s I don’t eat ever except for the slice of lettuce leaf I have at the Ivy when eating with Ben so he thinks I do eat. It makes me sad because remember when she was on Friends as Bonnie the bald girl, who was granted a little crazy but stunning enough to make Rachel jealous. That’s a healthy woman not this amazingly dressed eight year old.
Claudia Jordan
This is the kind of glam I so excited to see on red carpet for the Brownlow and whatever the Rugby league equivalent is (Sydney-siders help?). Too much thigh, too much leg, too much breast – much like the chicken in the deli at Coles. It’s a dress that's eerily reminiscent of Lee Furlong’s Vegas show girl getup we lowlighted a few weeks ago. Trash-tastic!
The Neils
When you invite people from WWF this is what you get! This look makes me squeal with excitement. How bad can it be? This bad. With lips the size of her breasts and Pirates of the Caribbean meets Safari print stocking that she’s squeezed into it, it's class all the way and it’s matched equally by his bloated Miami drug runner tanned tuxedo look. This is a dinner party at Palazzo Versace with the locals.
Sam H
Sam is a jock – fine, whatever - and his date, there is nothing particular wrong with her at all except that dress is the worst Supre/Dotti/Glassons dress I’ve ever seen on a red carpet. I actually really think you can by that at Supre, jokes aside. Sweetie, you’re on a red carpet, in Hollywood for Christ’s sakes, spend the money and buy a better dress.
Kate Bosworth
No Kate wasn’t at the ESPY’s, this is from the UK Superman premiere and while I normally steer clear of international celebs and let my girls at Go Fug Yourself take of care of them – I can’t let Kate go on this. WHAT IN THE HELL is this stripper sneaks onto the red carpet look? Sharon Stone wore a dress like this in Basic Instinct and she was a psychotic killer! She’s one step away from Kim Day-Craig – all that’s missing is a g-string. You're in the Queen's country, home of decorum and snotty English attitudes. What happened to the fresh faced girl from that surfing movie, with beautiful skin and the classic girl next door look that I’d kill for? This girl looks like she’s showing up for a porn convention and her character name should Lois Libido Lane.
A Weekend Treat
For those who’ve struggled through the week – dragged themselves out of a warm bed at stupid intolerable hours and mainlined coffee in an effort to appear awake and alert at their desks – I give you this. The Master of Hotness with the heir to the throne. King Matthew and Prince Jake.
See that spot in the middle, right between them, snuggled between the two, forced to fall into their laps every time we turn a corner – that’s mine!
Bacon Degree: The American Brownlow – inappropriately dressed sporting stars and their skanky partners.
I know, I’m breaking all my Friday rules – but these were just too good to pass up. And I’m feeling particularly bitchy today.
Cheryl Flutie (with hubbie Doug)
Apparently Doug is a big time ex-footballer in the US – still that doesn’t excuse his wife and her behaviour. Firstly, it looks like she feel into a giant vat of fake tan – much like the Joker in Batman. Seriously, do people not realise everyone knows about fake tanning salons now, that we are all just gulliblely going to believe you are naturally that colour? Sure! Secondly, my sister’s doing teaching rounds at the moment and working with Grade 2. This dress is what they made when instructed to decorate the classroom like the sea. I keep humming to myself, Under the Sea. Damn Disney addictive musicals!
Christine Taylor
I adore this dress, it’s a stunning colour, shape, length – everything is perfect. It’s so perfectly spring and I want to steal it and wear it to Spring Racing but too late. My problem is and I think it always will be, she looks tiny!! Not healthy busy mum tiny either – it’s I don’t eat ever except for the slice of lettuce leaf I have at the Ivy when eating with Ben so he thinks I do eat. It makes me sad because remember when she was on Friends as Bonnie the bald girl, who was granted a little crazy but stunning enough to make Rachel jealous. That’s a healthy woman not this amazingly dressed eight year old.
Claudia Jordan
This is the kind of glam I so excited to see on red carpet for the Brownlow and whatever the Rugby league equivalent is (Sydney-siders help?). Too much thigh, too much leg, too much breast – much like the chicken in the deli at Coles. It’s a dress that's eerily reminiscent of Lee Furlong’s Vegas show girl getup we lowlighted a few weeks ago. Trash-tastic!
The Neils
When you invite people from WWF this is what you get! This look makes me squeal with excitement. How bad can it be? This bad. With lips the size of her breasts and Pirates of the Caribbean meets Safari print stocking that she’s squeezed into it, it's class all the way and it’s matched equally by his bloated Miami drug runner tanned tuxedo look. This is a dinner party at Palazzo Versace with the locals.
Sam H
Sam is a jock – fine, whatever - and his date, there is nothing particular wrong with her at all except that dress is the worst Supre/Dotti/Glassons dress I’ve ever seen on a red carpet. I actually really think you can by that at Supre, jokes aside. Sweetie, you’re on a red carpet, in Hollywood for Christ’s sakes, spend the money and buy a better dress.
Kate Bosworth
No Kate wasn’t at the ESPY’s, this is from the UK Superman premiere and while I normally steer clear of international celebs and let my girls at Go Fug Yourself take of care of them – I can’t let Kate go on this. WHAT IN THE HELL is this stripper sneaks onto the red carpet look? Sharon Stone wore a dress like this in Basic Instinct and she was a psychotic killer! She’s one step away from Kim Day-Craig – all that’s missing is a g-string. You're in the Queen's country, home of decorum and snotty English attitudes. What happened to the fresh faced girl from that surfing movie, with beautiful skin and the classic girl next door look that I’d kill for? This girl looks like she’s showing up for a porn convention and her character name should Lois Libido Lane.
A Weekend Treat
For those who’ve struggled through the week – dragged themselves out of a warm bed at stupid intolerable hours and mainlined coffee in an effort to appear awake and alert at their desks – I give you this. The Master of Hotness with the heir to the throne. King Matthew and Prince Jake.
See that spot in the middle, right between them, snuggled between the two, forced to fall into their laps every time we turn a corner – that’s mine!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Afternoon delights and singleness
Yes I know, I'm sorry there was no Friday Bacon. But I do have a life you know? Well, not really but I like to pretend I do. Makes me more mysterious.
Anneliese Seubert
Nothing like a cosmetics launch to bring out the ladies to a poolside soiree is there? It’s an almost faultless appearance from Anneliese. The beautiful warm tan colours that co-mingle so well with the dress, her lovely straight hair demurely held back by sensibly sized sunglasses. The only itsy, bitsy, tweeny, weeny picking at nothing really point is the dark stockings and shoes. It seems to unnecessarily weigh the outfit down. Like a double choc Tim Tam – so good and you really enjoy it but afterwards you feel just a smidge too full.
Kathryn Eisman
Oh Oi, Oi! I equally love this outfit and loathe it. I feel torn between the devil and the angel today and this walks every single line possible. The too perfectly matching colours of black and red throughout the entire outfit, the so very cool right now pattern stockings and the pert little beret sitting neatly atop her head all scream ‘I’ve spent the past week planning this outfit on the chance I will get photographed.’ And yes, I’m hardly one to encourage not considering your outfits but I don’t want to see the work that’s gone into it. This looks like work here people, and demanding bitch that I am, I want it to look effortless.
Penne Peacock
It’s a YETI – run for your lives! It is not, for those with low-res computer screens a Yeti but really I wouldn’t blame you if you were confused. Whatever made Penne wander out of her home with this ‘thing’ attached to her body and think she would like good is beyond me and all those I know. This outfit is annoying on another level because for the rest of the day in my head on constant replay is [sing it]‘In the Jungle the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight!’
Princess Anne
This is want centuries of inbreeding will do. And while it’s not nice to scoff at someone’s looks and we don’t do that here at HLOD, when all you see is nose it’s hard not too. Poor Anne is working against some serious issues of nature but some are of her own making. The biggest – literally – offer is the Nanny McPhee hairstyle she’s working, which is drag queen does the royals look. How does some one who produces spunky royal Zara still be this uncool?
Sigourney Gray
I love this look – it’s all very Melanie Griffiths circa Working Girl in power suits with the 06 twist. This says to the boss who sees this picture the next day ‘See I was working, even had my business cards ready’. Nothing here dominates over the other and for the time of day and event Sig’s at – it’s perfect. Extra points for the splash of red lipstick which jazzes it all up.
Zoe Foster
I want to be compassionate, I really do, because Zoe does work in the fashion mags and they have to dress in the so called coolest, latest, hottest trends, however stupid and idiotic they may be. However when you like you’re the missing Wiggle, compassion can only go so far. That colour of yellow was designed for only two things: children’s entertainment and the mustard that goes on a hot dog. And Zoe’s a gorgeous skinny thing but overalls? Really? You want to open up that nasty box of kindergarten flashbacks? No, no one does.
A Tale of Two Covers
Because it’s been a slow week here at HLOD, I wanted to examine this disturbing trend I’ve noticed recently. January issue of the (Sydney) magazine and we are invited to meet the new Merrick and Rosso – all proud of their slow gradual move into adulthood. July issue of the (Melbourne) magazine and we are invited to meet the new Rove – all proud of his slow gradual move into adulthood. Is anyone sensing a pattern here? Yes, these two ultra hip how cool is our respective cities magazines live under the Fairfax stable but are we recycling ideas this quickly now? Is white the new serious. Are we going to see ‘My Secret Pain: Ice Skating Hurts’ white covers of Lara Bingle soon?
Chris Hemsworth
NEWS FLASH – As regulars of HLOD will know I have a small liking of the man we all know as Chris Hemsworth. Well ladies, gentlemen, children of all ages and animals smart enough to work the internet, Chris is a single man! While I do think it’s sad that he and Isabel could not make it work (I do really!) this frees him up for so many things and so many people…let’s all take a moment and think about Chris.
Moment’s over.
Anneliese Seubert
Nothing like a cosmetics launch to bring out the ladies to a poolside soiree is there? It’s an almost faultless appearance from Anneliese. The beautiful warm tan colours that co-mingle so well with the dress, her lovely straight hair demurely held back by sensibly sized sunglasses. The only itsy, bitsy, tweeny, weeny picking at nothing really point is the dark stockings and shoes. It seems to unnecessarily weigh the outfit down. Like a double choc Tim Tam – so good and you really enjoy it but afterwards you feel just a smidge too full.
Kathryn Eisman
Oh Oi, Oi! I equally love this outfit and loathe it. I feel torn between the devil and the angel today and this walks every single line possible. The too perfectly matching colours of black and red throughout the entire outfit, the so very cool right now pattern stockings and the pert little beret sitting neatly atop her head all scream ‘I’ve spent the past week planning this outfit on the chance I will get photographed.’ And yes, I’m hardly one to encourage not considering your outfits but I don’t want to see the work that’s gone into it. This looks like work here people, and demanding bitch that I am, I want it to look effortless.
Penne Peacock
It’s a YETI – run for your lives! It is not, for those with low-res computer screens a Yeti but really I wouldn’t blame you if you were confused. Whatever made Penne wander out of her home with this ‘thing’ attached to her body and think she would like good is beyond me and all those I know. This outfit is annoying on another level because for the rest of the day in my head on constant replay is [sing it]‘In the Jungle the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight!’
Princess Anne
This is want centuries of inbreeding will do. And while it’s not nice to scoff at someone’s looks and we don’t do that here at HLOD, when all you see is nose it’s hard not too. Poor Anne is working against some serious issues of nature but some are of her own making. The biggest – literally – offer is the Nanny McPhee hairstyle she’s working, which is drag queen does the royals look. How does some one who produces spunky royal Zara still be this uncool?
Sigourney Gray
I love this look – it’s all very Melanie Griffiths circa Working Girl in power suits with the 06 twist. This says to the boss who sees this picture the next day ‘See I was working, even had my business cards ready’. Nothing here dominates over the other and for the time of day and event Sig’s at – it’s perfect. Extra points for the splash of red lipstick which jazzes it all up.
Zoe Foster
I want to be compassionate, I really do, because Zoe does work in the fashion mags and they have to dress in the so called coolest, latest, hottest trends, however stupid and idiotic they may be. However when you like you’re the missing Wiggle, compassion can only go so far. That colour of yellow was designed for only two things: children’s entertainment and the mustard that goes on a hot dog. And Zoe’s a gorgeous skinny thing but overalls? Really? You want to open up that nasty box of kindergarten flashbacks? No, no one does.
A Tale of Two Covers
Because it’s been a slow week here at HLOD, I wanted to examine this disturbing trend I’ve noticed recently. January issue of the (Sydney) magazine and we are invited to meet the new Merrick and Rosso – all proud of their slow gradual move into adulthood. July issue of the (Melbourne) magazine and we are invited to meet the new Rove – all proud of his slow gradual move into adulthood. Is anyone sensing a pattern here? Yes, these two ultra hip how cool is our respective cities magazines live under the Fairfax stable but are we recycling ideas this quickly now? Is white the new serious. Are we going to see ‘My Secret Pain: Ice Skating Hurts’ white covers of Lara Bingle soon?
Chris Hemsworth
NEWS FLASH – As regulars of HLOD will know I have a small liking of the man we all know as Chris Hemsworth. Well ladies, gentlemen, children of all ages and animals smart enough to work the internet, Chris is a single man! While I do think it’s sad that he and Isabel could not make it work (I do really!) this frees him up for so many things and so many people…let’s all take a moment and think about Chris.
Moment’s over.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
String beans and Grease is the word
Ada N
It’s all so very fashionable to be the weight of a straw right now but are these people ever hungry? I would be - that’s for sure. I don’t mind Ada’s dress at all, the black thing around her waist is a little helicopter-ish but there has been a crash recently on Home and Away, so this could be considered marketing. My problem with this dress is it makes her look like a 12 year old girl who’s at her sister’s 21st.
Bessie Bardot
Bess just doesn’t know when the let go of good thing, does she? It’s not even a good thing – the fake’n’bake look is pretty obvious and the Sandra Dee headband is again inexplicable. Sing it:
‘Sandy you must start anew,
Don’t you know what you must do,
Hold you high, take a deep breath and sigh,
Goodbye to Sandra Dee!!!!!’
And hopefully Bessie’s headband obsession.
Erika Hairnets
Yes, I have to give Erika a pass this time around. I’m in no way impressed by this outfit, but people feel I may be a little Erika prejudice. So while the mismatching fabrics of the top confuse me, and her Beyond the Thunderdome Mad Max vesty thing doesn’t sing to me, I will let Erika pass on by. There’s no way this can last though…
Holly Brisley
A revolting afternoon picnic dress meets Rocky boxing boots with heels?? Holly has been very carefully flying under my radar for the past few weeks, nothing too awful to warrant a HLOD, nothing too brilliant to command a salute. She has this week failed dismally to continue unnoticed. The dress is like a tablecloth off-cut type sack, that has no shape and does nothing for her figure – except to make us realise that a small person is in it because her arms and legs are sticking out.
Indiana Evans
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for adventure dressing. And with Indy being a young poppet, experimentation is the name of the game but this is simply taking all the fashion trends and throwing them on. Belt around waist: check, little ill-functioning sparkly caplet: check, too cool for school print tee: check, black tights/leggings/stockings: check, and finally scrunched boot: check. It’s fashion by numbers. Blah! With the cute boy in the Dunlop Volleys on the arm this could be a Friday night out at the movies for any teeny bopper.
Kelly Smythe - A poem for Kelly's birthday
Kelly, we at HLOD were at a loss
When last you graced our screen
Who was this appalling dresser,
What did she do, where had she been?
You’re a stylist for those at Seven
Phew - that’s a relief to my heart
However, the question remains
Why you always dress like a tart?
Since when did showing the world,
The ladies on continual display
Become a classy or cool thing to do
Never – if only I had it my way!
Michael Tierney
It seriously looks like the end of the school play where the girl who played HOT Sandy has just hooked up with the boy who was serving tea and coffee in intermission. I realise Human Nature have gone all Grandma style and yes, it’s doing wonders for their sales but does Michael have to dress when off duty like a waiter.
Tara Moss
A lot of people I know don’t like Tara Moss, a lot of people I know do like Tara Moss. Two things can be deduced from this: I know lots of people and she’s a divisive lady is Ms. Moss. This is proved in her presented outfit: the dress is lovely and I very much like the contrasting lines. The shoes are very cute and make her legs look fantastically long, as they are. However why, oh why, is she wearing a feather boa? It completely ruins the outfit and her style points are therefore thrown out the window.
Tom and Chris
My old love and my new love. I will be the very first to admit, I swooned like a 12 year old girl when Tom took it off on Dancing. My face was pressed to the screen and my breath literally caught in my throat. What a body, what a man! I think from that moment on, Tom’s been fighting against himself. Ugly break-ups, losing to Ada in the Champions rematch, it’s been tough for Tommy boy. Maybe he’s been taking solace in the bevies because Tom’s certainly a little…um…puffier. This is also not helped with the school boy tie and vest, pulled across his once rock hard tum. Also standing next to my new lover boy Chris is never a good thing. You just don’t compare at the moment.
For those playing along at home – Chris solo, no Isabel. Oh yeah!
Toni Pearen
This is going to seem awfully picky but it’s my job (if only it was really my job – how much fun would I have?). This dress is great, cute colour, right shape and cut, well matched shoes – it’s all there. But I’ve seen it before, and Toni, I’ve seen you in it before. On this site in fact! I believe it suffered a bad comment because of a lumpy overcoat and I really commend you for taking the coat off but you just can’t wear it again. Especially so close to the first wear. For every hour that you wear the outfit, that’s how many months you have to wait to wear it again. So I’m guessing at fashion week you were there for about 3 hours – I don’t want to see this dress again for at least three months. No if's, no but's and no maybes.
